An answer to KingAkvar's challenge posted on group.
Genre: Humor/Romance
Disclaimers: Ideas borrowed from Labrynth, Harry Potter and answers the challenge…
Author: Fragonknight01
Always, Forever, Not Long At All!
"And I wish the Prince of the Vampires would come and take you away!" Petunia Evans shrieked at her younger sister, Lily.
As the older girl stood there with her arm raised, ready to smack the younger one, the lights flickered and a strong wind blew the lace curtains away from the window. She whirled around, mouth open in a soundless scream, when she heard a thump as though a body had just hit the floor behind her.
He stood up and shook out his cloak. Then drew himself up to his Merlin-awful height of five feet two inches tall and managed to appear as if looking down his nose at the horse-faced girl towering over him. "You called for the Prince of the Vampires. Who did you want me to take away?"
Petunia glared at him before hissing, "Doesn't anything in my stupid life go right? I ask for a prince and get a hook nosed frog!"
The Prince watched the strange squib carry on for several minutes before shaking his head and speaking to Lily. "Now I know why you want to stay at Hogwarts all the time. If I had to deal with a creep like old horse-face here, I'd be friends with James and his gang also. It explains your death wish."
Petunia screamed, "Are you going to take her or not?"
"NOT!"
"WHY?"
"Because she is a witch and I am not interested in witches. Call on me again in about twenty-five years when she has a son. Now, Good day. You interrupted my dinner and I should like to finish…" He glared at the vile tempered harridan Lily lived with. "Unless, of course, you would like to be dinner. I am not French, but I am hungry enough to eat a horse!"
Petunia shrieked and ran out of the room screaming for her mother as Lily lunged for Severus Snape and gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek before he turned back into a crow and hopped out the window.
SOME TWENTY-FIVE YEARS LATER:
Petunia Dursley was at her wits end with dealing with Harry Potter. The boy was just absolutely incorrigible. He had just managed to get Vernon so raving mad that the man was currently sitting on his recliner holding the newspaper like a remote and pressing random spots to see what channel would show up next. Harry was standing in front of his aunt, smiling angelically, and wandlessly making the telly flip channels.
She dodged into the sitting room in time to watch Vernon go into a seizure over the antics being viewed: Harry had inadvertently tuned in to one of Lucius Malfoy's soirées. Or, more to the point, Malfoy and some half a dozen other Death Eaters were wearing nothing but their masks and they were all practicing their country dancing!
As Petunia stood there staring at the screen with wide eyes she was brought crashing back to earth by the voice of her son who had just entered the room and was staring at the spectacle as avidly as Momma, Poppa, and Cousin Harry were.
"Mummy, look at that tall blond man." Dudley said. "I have a birthmark on my thigh just like his. Do you reckon we are related?"
Petunia's world came crashing down around her as she turned to face her doom.
Vernon stopped clicking the paper and focused on his wife. "You told me that Dudley was a month premature. If you had been hanging around that man then he would most likely be a few weeks overdue, yes?"
Harry smiled delightedly. "Hey, Dudders! That means you are a squib! And, not only a squib, you are a Malfoy!" He started humming as he went back into the kitchen to finish making some tea.
Petunia stepped into the room a few minutes later. "You filthy little freak! How dare you try to tear my perfect family apart with your unnaturalness!"
Harry just smiled and erected a shield around himself as he stood there drinking tea and eating a chocolate biscuit. "Did you really have sex with Lucius Malfoy?" He asked, quite unconcerned with the woman's homicidal tendencies. Then to make sure she was really and truly beyond rational thought he added, "How did you manage to get him in the rack? Did you polyjuice up as Narcissa and do some role playing?"
Petunia's face paled a bit further than was considered healthy for an English rose, but she managed to remain standing as she glared at him and hurled the only invective she could think of, "I wish the Prince of the Vampires would come and take you away! Right now!"
Then just like it happened twenty-five odd years ago: the lights flickered, the curtains shifted, and the crow flew into the kitchen, crash-landed and morphed into a damn fine figure of a vampire! The last twenty-five years had been good to the Prince and he was now a big smashingly sexy beast. Well, all except for the nose... so we won't mention Severus Snape's biggggggg nose anymore...this story.
"What do you want now, you old horse faced….EEWWW. What the hell happened to you?" Severus stared in horror at the fretful Petunia. "You were an ugly kid, but Merlin, Circe and all the imps from the underworld…Couldn't you at least steal enough money from somewhere to get a face lift?"
Petunia glared at him. "I called you here to take away that abomination!" She pointed toward Harry who was moving stealthily toward the door.
Severus looked over and saw Dudley standing in the door where Harry had been a moment before. He blanched as he saw the walking whale. He whirled back to Petunia. "Surely, you jest. I may be a vampire, but there is no way I could pick that thing up! Let alone carry it away. Why don't you just give him back to his father. Malfoy might enjoy having a nice plump baby boy." He licked his chops delicately as he eyed the pseudo-human. "Merlin, but what I would not give to see Malfoy's face when he gets introduced to that tub of lard!"
Petunia was beside herself with rage. "Not him. Duddy-wuddy is my ickle baby." Mid rant she changed personalities to speak to her sin...ahem...I mean son. "aren't you precious?" Then back to her usual beligerant tone. " I want you to take the freak away."
Severus growled. "Don't start that again, Petunia. I told you before I will not carry you off…NO! Not under any circumstances! You understand me, woman?"
Petunia had had enough rejection and went to fetch Potter, herself. Less than a minute later she arrived back in the kitchen with her perfectly beautiful nephew, Harry, tucked firmly under her arm. She slung him at the vampire and shrieked, "This is what I want you to take away!"
Severus grabbed the beautiful boy and smiled reassuringly at him. For some reason the beautiful boy just pressed closer to the vampire and eyed it's fangs avidly. The vampire soon noted that the boy was not at all opposed to the situation- if his hard-on was any indication.
He looked back at Petunia while he gathered Harry even closer. "You are giving him to me? I get to do whatever I want to to him? Whenever I want to? You will not complain if I take him away and make him commit unspeakable sexual acts on my body? You give up all rights to Harry?"
"Take the brat!" Petunia was livid.
"Henceforth, he will fulfill all my sexual desires and in return I shall make him my consort. He will be the next Snape wife and will bear me beautiful children. You do not object?"
Petunia threw a teacup at him. "Take the little freak and get out! It is just my luck I summon the only retarded Vampire in the whole world." She glared at Severus and Harry for a few seconds before snarling, "You will bear me beautiful children…HELLO. Crow-boy! Just in case you landed on your head once too often- Freak is a boy also. There aren't going to be any beautiful children…"
Severus looked down at the boy clinging to his form like a leech. "You have no problem with bonding to me and becoming my immortal love?"
Harry James Potter giggled delightedly. "I have wanted you forever! I have saved myself for you."
"Well, I don't want you to have to wait much longer. Shall we go?" Severus bestowed a dazzling fang filled smile on his new consort.
As the two of them apparated away from #4 Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey, Dudley Dursley was heard to scream, "Why does Harry get to marry a vampire? I want a vampire too!"
Petunia shut him up with a right hook just under the jaw. As the boy crashed down and bounced a few times, Petunia was suddenly seen to smirk. "You didn't think that boxing talent came from you, did you Vernon?"
The tall fat man slunk back into the sitting room and sat down heavily in his chair again. Maybe it would not be too difficult to pretend that he had a normal wife and a beautiful son after all.
A/N: Now didn't you all enjoy me reposting this one? Aren't your little livers still quivering at the thought of a big sexy vamipre fluttering in your open window and flashing those gleaming white fangs at you? Oh, yes, my beauties, I know about your sick twisted fantasies regarding the Potions Master and I heartily encourage you to share them with the rest of us just in case we hadn't already thought of that one...