(I realize that this isn't the way things happened in "Swan Song", but it's more the way I'd have liked to see Killian's sacrifice and he and Emma's parting play out. For one thing, the possibility of rescuing him from the Underworld seems more probable to me if he had been taken alive. I tried to get this out of my head and tell myself it was pointless to write since that isn't the way it went, but it begged to be written, so I did.)
"To the End of the World (and even beyond)"
By: TutorGirlml
For one stark, horrifying moment it all becomes crystal clear in her mind – just what it might have been like for him all those years ago. Her heart stops in her chest, her pulse pounds desperate and blinding behind her eye, her tongue freezes to the roof of her mouth, trapping all the words she's frantic to say, that she needs him to hear, needs him to know before he is gone. Emma can suddenly understand the loneliness, hopelessness, and blank acceptance in Killian's eyes when she first met him, when they had spoken of their losses and what it meant to be orphaned atop Anton's beanstalk. She feels that same despair creeping up on her now at the prospect of losing him.
She told him once that she wasn't a tearful goodbye kiss person, but as Emma clings to his hand, savoring the warmth of Killian's calloused skin, the feel of his heavy, bejeweled rings against her fingers for every last second possible, she finds she is unable to let go, the tears can't be held back; her anguish and need are on full display, and she can't even bring herself to care. In this moment, she feels the tearing agony and desolation that a young, idealistic naval lieutenant must have once suffered as his captain, his anchor, his beloved older brother died in his arms, rocking his world off its axis forever, tearing him from his moorings and turning him into someone else entirely. She suddenly knows the loss and helplessness of watching while bound to the mast of his own ship as a monster murdered his love and then only being able to hold her as she died in his arms – not even able to whisper a last 'I love you' before she was gone.
Emma sees the Furies – three of them – drawing near, lingering with menace over Killian's shoulder. But she isn't letting go easily; she will fight them for him to the very end. She will make sure she sees him off with her love for him on her lips, make sure that he carries the knowledge with him, even on the ferry down the River Styx.
Reaching out now, tenderly, wistfully, she takes his other wrist in her free hand, lightly grasping the curve of his hook and remembering the ball in Camelot, the awestruck, lit-up look in his eyes and the smile on his face as she had descended the stairs in Arthur's great hall to stand before him dressed in fresh, innocent white with flowers in her hair, feeling like a girl again – young and new with a chance to start all over. She remembers the gentle guidance in his touch that evening as he led her across the floor and through the unfamiliar steps, never letting her stumble, keeping her from embarrassment or worry though she had never danced that way before. Remembers too the way she had spun and twirled to take his hook as simply as if it were his outstretched hand and the way he had beamed at her gratefully – like she had hung every star in the sky above – and her heart had swelled with love for him. Remembering all that now makes this moment, this parting, all the more painful and wrenching as she clings to the curve of steel – a part of him she loves like all the rest. How can she possibly be forced to release it and let him go?
"It will be alright, Love," Killian murmurs, leaning forward to rest his forehead against hers, drawing comfort and resolve from her touch for a few more seconds. He is a quiet center of calm in the chaos, confusion and horror closing in around them on the shores of the lake. If it weren't for the quivering in his limbs that Emma can feel as she presses him close, shaking him with the massive power he has just taken upon himself, and the anguish in his eyes as he gazes on her with longing, she could almost be fooled into thinking he isn't concerned, is still that brash, daring rapscallion laughing in the face of all challengers, charging into danger without fear. However, she can see the strain, and she knows him better now. Knows for better or for worse that his bravado is, and always has been, a front to hide his fears and insecurity; he is already saying goodbye to her without words.
She keeps trying to hold on as Killian brushes his lips over her forehead, assuring her again of her strength and beauty, that he knows she and her lad will be fine and that their well-being and happiness was all he had ever wanted. His words only make her silent tears fall faster. The Underworld is opening now behind them, the boat is on the water, and she feels cold stealing into her bones and taking some of his warmth from her even before he is gone.
Killian begins to back away, leaving them still connected only by hand and hook. The Furies come closer, and Emma can see the dark-cowled form of the boatman as further insurance that Hades will have his due – Killian's soul required in exchange for the Darkness being extinguished. Her brave, stoic pirate isn't going to force their hand, however. He won't compel then to tear him away bodily, scarring Henry and fueling her nightmares, or risking anyone else he cares for being hurt in the struggle. He has already made the choice to go willingly, before she even understood what he had in mind.
"You have to let me go, Darling. This is the price to be paid," he croons, somehow still comforting her when it is he who is facing death and torment. Those deep ocean eyes sink her with their sincerity, beg her to understand when she cannot make her fingers release their grip on the last bit of him she has to hold.
In the last moment, just before she finally loosens her grasp and lets their connection break, Emma stares right back at him until Killian holds her gaze and she is certain he will have no doubt in the vow she makes, no chance to argue the he isn't worth the promise she swears. "I'll let you go…for now," she whispers, emphasizing the last two words even as her continued tears steal her volume and he is the only one who can hear. She traces a hand down his cheek, giving that strong jaw one final, lingering caress, then drops her hand.
Killian takes a step back, then two, putting reluctant space between them; the distance already feeling to Emma like a yawning chasm. She has to swallow hard to force her next words out at all, but she has to tell him, needs him to know and have it to hold tight. "I'll be right behind you, Killian. I'm going to find you and bring you back."
He shakes his head in stunned disbelief, as if he should have known, then gives his love a single nod, knowing better than to argue, even for her own safety. "I should never have thought to keep you from doing otherwise," he admits before turning at last, stepping into the water and toward his fate, the horrible Furies closing ranks behind and putting him firmly out of reach.
The boat begins to move, floating from sight in the gloom and fog, but Emma still hears the last words he utters before he is gone, "I'll be waiting for you…"