The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is on demand. This is a crazy fic from my tiny mind. References the story Show Me What You Got TV!
Spy Agency On Demand
"Is Mallory here?" Lana asked as she walked into the Figgis Agency one morning.
"No," Pam said as she read a magazine in the bullpen. "She called in and said she was going to be at the hospital with Archer all day."
"Good," Lana let out a breath. "Because we need to have a meeting."
"Of course we do," Ray said as he sauntered in. "That's all we do around here."
"If we got credit for hours we were stuck having pointless meetings we would have been licensed private eyes by now," Pam nodded.
"Look just get everybody into the conference room," Lana said. "We need to have a meeting."
"What meeting?" Krieger asked as he and Cheryl walked over.
"The meeting we are having in the conference room right now!" Lana snapped. "I'll get Cyril and meet you there."
"Oh goody," Ray sighed as they went in. "I was afraid we weren't going to do anything annoying today."
Lana went to Cyril's office. "Cyril?" She saw Cyril at his desk. "I'm calling a meeting. Conference room now!"
"Of course you are!" Cyril snapped, throwing down his pen in frustration. "Does anyone here remember that I am in charge of this agency?"
"Cyril…"
"Lana this is the Figgis Agency!" Cyril snapped. "Not the Everybody Call A Damn Meeting Whenever They Want Agency!"
"Damn it Cyril this is important!" Lana snapped. "I want to tell you something while Mallory isn't here!"
"Is it planning Archer's murder?" Cyril asked sarcastically. "Or Mallory's murder? Because for the record I'd be on board with those kinds of meetings."
"Damn it Cyril!" Lana was losing her patience. "Conference room now!"
"YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!" Cyril shouted. "I've been hanging around Cheryl too long have I?"
"We all have," Lana groaned. "Just come with me to the conference room. I'll explain there."
"Fine!" Cyril threw up his arms and gave in. "Just once, I'd like to be the one in charge of meetings around here!"
"I'd like it for once you had something important to say!" Lana snapped as they went into the conference room.
"Okay Lana," Pam grumbled munching a bearclaw as they all sat down at the table. "What the hell has got your lingerie in a twist this time?"
"Is this about the stupid recyclables again?" Cheryl asked. "Because I told you that confuses me!"
"Green is for paper," Ray gave her a look. "Blue is for plastic or glass. How is that confusing?"
"Well you're color blind!" Cheryl snapped. "How is it not confusing for you?"
"Because it says Paper and Bottles on the damn bins!" Ray snapped. "It's a little trick I learned a long time ago! It's called reading!"
"Ohhh…" Cheryl nodded. "That is a good trick."
"It's not about the recyclables," Lana sighed.
"This isn't another intervention for Mallory, is it?" Cyril sighed. "Because honestly Lana that is just not going to work! The last time we tried that it was a total disaster!"
"Not a total disaster," Pam said. "It was a bitchin' party!"
"One of our better ones," Krieger nodded.
"It was, wasn't it?" Cheryl grinned.
"Good times," Ray nodded.
"No!" Lana snapped. "Listen. Last night after I put AJ to bed I felt like watching TV. I have one of those streaming services so I decided to check out what was new."
"Oh crap," Cyril knew where this is going.
"This is about that Spy Agency show, isn't it?" Ray groaned. "You saw it, didn't you?"
"WHAT?" Lana barked.
"Here we go," Pam sighed.
"Told you she'd figure it out," Cheryl said. "Truck-A-Saurus is huge! Not blind and deaf!"
"Did you watch the episode where the guy who's supposed to be me makes a whole bunch of dinosaurs?" Krieger asked. "That episode is wildly inaccurate. I only made one! Well two if you count the robot one."
"You all knew about this?" Lana gasped.
"I'm afraid so," Cyril sighed. "You can kind of see why we didn't want to tell you."
"I can see every damn episode thanks to on demand!" Lana snapped. "How long has this been going on?"
"Well it's on one of those streaming networks," Ray said. "You know? Where they put all the episodes for a season on at the same time. That was at least three weeks ago."
"How many episodes?" Lana asked.
"Thirteen," Cyril sighed. "And they've already been renewed for another two seasons."
"Two more seasons?" Lana shouted.
"It's literally one of the most popular shows out there now!" Cyril snapped. "I'm amazed Ms. Archer hasn't heard about it by now."
"You know except for the news she barely watches TV at all," Pam said. "Never mind the streaming stuff."
"Yeah but a lot of other people watch it," Lana said. "Her former friends and neighbors back in New York…"
"I'm not sure they watch that much TV either," Ray added. "Some of those women still think Johnny Carson is the host of The Tonight Show."
"Yes, but they know Mallory…" Lana began.
"Honestly, I'm not so sure a lot of those high society bitches knew Ms. Archer was running a spy agency," Pam said. "I mean some of her friends found out that she was arrested the day the fake FBI raided the place so they know something happened."
"They think she was doing something illegal but they don't know exactly what," Cheryl shrugged.
"True," Ray said. "But anyone who ever worked in espionage knows! I mean how could they not?"
"Not to mention the government," Cyril said. "The CIA too. I mean they have to be aware of this!"
"Basically, pretty much anyone Ms. Archer knows from her spy days and is still alive would know by now," Pam agreed. "Including some of our former co-workers."
"Wasn't it our former co-workers who wrote this?" Cheryl asked.
"Not all of them!" Pam snapped. "Some of them went to work for the government. And other jobs. And they're pretty pissed at us so…"
"Why are they angry at us?" Lana asked.
"Uh they lost their jobs, their pensions and their health care when our agency got shut down?" Pam snapped. "To run a god damn cocaine cartel!"
"They don't know about the cocaine thing, do they?" Cyril gasped.
"I'm pretty sure not all of them do," Pam shrugged. "Some of them got recruited by the actual FBI and other government agencies. There's a good chance some of what happened got passed along on the grapevine."
"But that was all Ms. Archer!" Ray said. "With the exception of Archer, they shouldn't hate the rest of us!"
"They do," Pam sighed. "For a lot of reasons."
"Such as?" Lana asked. "I mean I was a great co-worker!"
"When you weren't threatening people," Cheryl snickered.
"When did I ever…?" Lana began. Then she remembered.
FLASHBACK!
"Hey Jane," Lana leaned against the vending machine and casually popped out a switchblade in front of Scatter Brain Jane. "Getting a tampon?"
FLASHBACK!
"Hello Andrea!" Lana had shoved the dark-haired woman against the wall and held a switchblade to her face. "Let's talk about my deductibles."
FLASHBACK!
"Okay which one of you assholes ate my lunch?" Lana barked at the people in the break room. She pulled out her Tech 9. "Tell me who it is or I swear to God bullets are going to fly!"
FLASHBACK!
Rodney Whosits came out of the stall in the men's bathroom whistling. When suddenly he was thrown against the wall.
"Hello Rodney," Lana growled.
"L-Lana?" Rodney gulped.
"Not so tough when you're not behind reinforced steel are you?" Lana growled. Then she pulled out her switchblade. "Let's talk about your little attitude problem."
"Oh boy…" Rodney gulped. "I knew I shouldn't have had that Big Gulp for lunch!"
"You're going to have a switchblade for dessert if you don't start treating me with more respect!" Lana threatened. "Got it?"
"Point taken," Rodney gulped.
FLASHBACK!
"AAAAH!" Lana attacked Cheryl and started choking her in the break room.
FLASHBACK!
Lana punched Archer in the face and he fell down.
FLASHBACK!
"AAAAAHHH!" Cyril ran for his life as Lana shot her harpoon at him. It hit a wall.
FLASHBACK!
Lana punched Archer again and he fell down. Much to the shock (and in some cases joy) of several people in the break room.
FLASHFORWARD!
"Oh right," Lana winced. "Okay I can see how some people at our old office might have misinterpreted some of my actions."
"Trust me Lana, they interpreted your threats perfectly," Cyril snapped.
"Oh, like you were so perfect?" Lana snapped. "Spoiler alert! You weren't!"
"What did I do?" Cyril snapped.
"Interesting choice of words," Pam snickered.
FLASHBACK!
"Hello!" Cyril was caught having sex with Scatterbrain Jane on his desk.
FLASHBACK!
"Hello!" Cyril was caught again with another woman at his desk.
FLASHBACK!
"Hello!" Cyril was with another woman in the copy room.
FLASHBACK!
"HELLO!" Pam said cheerfully as she was caught with Cyril in the closet.
FLASHFORWARD!
"Man, that was one fun Fourth of Ju-Luau," Pam snickered. "Until you know? Archer porked a pig."
"Okay but other than that…" Cyril said.
"There were other things," Lana folded her arms. "Trust me…"
"Like what?" Cyril snapped.
"Your little mental breakdown that got you shipped to the funny farm?" Pam gave him a look.
FLASHBACK!
"SUPRESSING FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRE!" Cyril was in his underwear blasting a gun haphazardly at several men who dove for cover.
FLASHFORWARD!
"Oh," Cyril blinked. "That…"
Pam added. "Not to mention the fact that since you were the comptroller and in charge of the books, everybody figured you were in on some kind of embezzlement thing with Ms. Archer!"
"That's not true!" Cyril snapped. "She embezzled that money all on her own with no help from me! Except to cover it up. That I did. But still…"
"Well everybody thinks you had something to do with it anyway," Pam shrugged. "Plus, nobody liked either you or Lana and thought you two stank at your jobs."
"WHAT?" Lana and Cyril shouted.
"Like skunk roadkill on the freeway," Pam snickered.
"Look who's talking!" Cyril snapped.
"I know, right?" Lana asked.
"What did I do?" Pam snapped. "I was a great HR manager!"
"You were the world's worst HR manager!" Ray snapped. "Next to both Archers you were third in sexual harassment complaints! And by a slim margin I might add!"
"Very slim," Cyril glared at her. "Microscopic!"
"Okay but other than that…" Pam shrugged.
"Seriously?" Lana raised an eyebrow. "How about when…?"
FLASHBACK!
"Guess who has breast cancer?" Pam said to Cheryl as they walked by Scatter Brain Jane's desk. Jane started to cry.
FLASHBACK!
"Guess whose wife is leaving him for his rich brother?" Pam asked Cheryl as they walked by a male co-worker. He started crying.
FLASHBACK!
"Guess whose kid just got arrested for selling drugs?" Pam snickered to Cheryl as they walked by another woman's desk. The woman gave Pam the finger.
FLASHBACK!
"Guess who's impotent?" Pam said to Cheryl as they walked by a male coworker. He started to cry and drink.
FLASHBACK!
"Guess who has a drinking problem?" Pam made a drinking motion to Cheryl as they walked by another woman's desk.
"LIKE I'M THE ONLY ONE AROUND HERE!" The woman shouted. "Guess who's fat and has an eating disorder?"
"Oh yeah?" Pam whirled around. "Well guess who lost her license for driving DUI for the fifth time this weekend? And who was just caught giving a blow job to Brett in the back alley so he would give her fifty bucks to help pay her bills?"
The woman stood there speechless. Then Pam added. "And guess whose husband is leaving her for some thin little blond bimbo? Who he met at the DMV?"
The woman gave out a squeak of horror. "Yeah. Thought so," Pam snorted as she turned around triumphantly. She gave the woman the finger. "Don't mess with Pam!"
FLASHFORWARD!
"And then there was the time…" Lana began.
FLASHBACK!
"Guess whose wife is leaving him and taking the kids?" Pam said to Cheryl as they walked by a crying man's desk. "And who's up to his neck in debt and can't pay because he just got demoted? And he's just been diagnosed with prostate cancer?"
The crying man sobbed. Then took out his gun and went into the men's room. A bang was heard.
FLASHFORWARD!
"Oh right," Pam winced. "I went a tad too far with that one."
"You think?" Ray snapped.
"I know," Pam groaned. "Man, that paperwork was a bitch."
"Not to mention the conniption Ms. Archer threw when she had to hire a crew to clean off the blood splatter," Cheryl snickered.
"Let's not forget all the times you were watching people having sex," Cyril snapped at Pam.
"Oh, like I was the only one?" Pam pointed to Cheryl and Krieger. "Besides anything done in the office is fair game. And in the back alley behind the office. And in the garage."
"Some of those were kind of kinky," Cheryl giggled.
"Let's not forget all the messes Secretary of Glue Sniffing over here made!" Pam added.
"If only I could…" Cyril sighed.
FLASHBACK!
Cheryl set a fire in the wastebasket next to her desk.
FLASHBACK!
Cheryl set fire to a wastebasket in the break room.
FLASHBACK!
Cheryl setting fire to a trash can in the ladies' room.
FLASHBACK!
Cheryl looked confused as she put some papers in a shredding machine. Then set fire to the shredding machine.
FLASHBACK!
"AAAAAHH!" Brett screamed as Cheryl tried to remove his tongue with scissors.
FLASHBACK!
"AWOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Cheryl ran around on all fours wearing nothing but her bra and panties chasing people.
FLASHBACK!
"AAAHHH!" Cyril ran for his life from Babou. Cheryl laughed. Then set fire to a wastebasket.
FLASHFORWARD!
"Good times," Cheryl grinned.
"I think I just remembered why this group got together," Cyril groaned. "It was because no one else wanted us in their group!"
"It also explains why we haven't heard much from the people who used to work here," Lana groaned. "I see why they're pissed at us now."
"And we all know what Krieger did to piss everyone off," Pam looked at Krieger.
"You're referring to the giant lizards that got loose that one time, aren't you?" Krieger groaned.
"And all your other experiments that got loose!" Cyril snapped. "As well as all those interns that died!"
"Not that many died," Krieger waved.
"Forty-seven died!" Pam snapped.
"Are you sure?" Krieger blinked.
"I had to fill out the damn paperwork and death benefits for each one!" Pam snapped. "Yes, I'm sure!"
"Drummers for Spinal Tap had a longer life expectancy than your interns!" Ray snapped. "Plus, your habit of leaving radioactive material in the refrigerator didn't win you many friends!"
"Not to mention your little food raping phase," Pam snapped.
"Like I was the only one!" Krieger pointed to Pam.
"Speaking of rape," Cyril looked at Ray.
"Oh I barely touched you in that bathroom and you know it!" Ray snapped. "Pam was the one who took your pants off!"
"Yeah but you're the one who uh…" Pam blinked. "Uh…"
"Yeah Ray uh…" Krieger blinked. "Uhh…."
"Hang on I know this one…" Cyril blinked. "Ray uh…He molested me in the bathroom and teased me!"
"You don't count!" Lana snapped. "But other than that, I can't think of anything Ray did to make people hate him."
"Yeah he's not even in the damn show!" Pam realized.
"That's because I was smart enough to cover my tracks!" Ray snapped.
"Like when?" Pam snorted.
"Well…" Ray pursed his lips. "Remember when that bitchy little tart Agent Kendall worked at the agency?"
"Oh yeah," Pam nodded. "God, she was a priss."
"She was not my favorite person to work with," Lana growled.
"No surprise since she was an intolerant prick," Pam added.
"And remember she set up this fundraising thing for her niece on her desk?" Ray asked.
"Yeah that whole thing with the stupid muffins," Pam grumbled. "And we were expected to pay five bucks for a stupid muffin. As if."
"And she was stupid enough to think that the honor system would work at our office?" Cheryl laughed.
"Yeah well when she left to go to the bathroom she came back and found…" Ray smirked.
FLASHBACK!
"AAAHHHH!" A blonde well-dressed woman screamed as she saw her office covered in destroyed muffins and some ladies' underwear all over the place.
"Oh yeah," Ray casually sauntered in. "Archer was looking for you. Apparently, he's mad at you for some reason. I gotta ask, what's with the muffins and underwear?"
"I don't know about the underwear!" Agent Kendall snapped. "But these muffins were for my niece's fundraiser for her school to protest gay marriage! Which was my idea by the way!"
"Oh my," Ray feigned shock. "That's horrible. That Archer would defile your muffins."
"Sexist deviant!" Agent Kendall looked around. "I had forty dollars in this tin!"
"Oh," Ray said casually. "I guess that explains where Ms. Archer suddenly got extra money to go to lunch."
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?" Agent Kendall screamed.
FLASHFORWARD!
"Son of a bitch…" Pam realized. "You didn't?"
"I did," Ray grinned.
"I remember that!" Pam gasped. "She stormed into Ms. Archer's office. Screamed that she and her son were animals and quit right then and there. That's how I was able to get her desk chair."
"You're welcome," Ray shrugged.
"So basically, you got off scott free by blaming Archer and his mother?" Cyril snapped. "Now why didn't I think of that?"
"Wait a minute," Lana blinked. "Agent Kendall quit over muffins?"
"Well…" Ray shrugged. "There were a few other incidents that kind of happened to her that week."
FLASHBACK!
"So how about it?" Archer wiggled his eyebrows suggestively at Agent Kendall as he cornered her in the hallway.
Agent Kendall slapped Archer. "NO!"
"HEY!" Archer rubbed his cheek as Agent Kendall walked away. "Nobody likes a tease!"
FLASHBACK!
"Who ate my lunch?" Agent Kendall snapped in the break room. "PAM!"
"It wasn't me!" Pam snapped. "Why don't you ask him?"
Piggly was there eating a lunch bag. "AAAAHHH!" Agent Kendall screamed and ran away.
"I'm waiting for that apology," Pam shouted. "Or a blow job! Either will do!"
FLASHBACK!
"AAAAAAHH!" Agent Kendall screamed as Cheryl casually set her wastebasket on fire.
Agent Kendall grabbed a fire extinguisher and put out the fire. "What do you think you're doing you stupid bimbo?"
"YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!" Cheryl tackled her.
"OW! STOP BITING ME!" Agent Kendall screamed.
"AWOOOOOO!" Cheryl howled.
FLASHBACK!
"So how about it?" Pam wiggled her eyebrows suggestively in the ladies' room.
"NO!" Agent Kendall slapped Pam. "OH GOD NO!" She ran away.
"HEY!" Pam snapped. "Nobody likes a tease!"
FLASHBACK!
"WHY ARE ALL MY PAPERS GLUED TO MY DESK?" Agent Kendall screamed.
Ray walked by casually. "Cheryl did it." He hid the bottle of glue he used behind his back.
FLASHBACK!
"AAAHHHHH!" Agent Kendall screamed as Piggly wandered around her office. "SOMEBODY GET THIS THING OUT OF MY OFFICE!"
FLASHBACK!
"Seriously! Why don't you want to have sex with me?" Archer shouted at Agent Kendall in the bullpen. "Are you frigid?"
"Are you?" Pam shouted.
"SHUT UP!" Agent Kendall screamed as she stormed away.
FLASHBACK!
"WHO PUT GLUE IN MY SHOES?" Agent Kendall screamed.
"Cheryl," Ray quipped. Of course, he had glue behind his hands. "No big loss. Those shoes were tacky anyway."
FLASHBACK!
"Why won't you have sex with me?" Archer snapped as Agent Kendall stormed out of the elevator. He was wearing only his underwear. "COME ON!"
FLASHBACK!
"WHO GLUED MY COFFEE CUP TO MY DESK?" Agent Kendall screamed.
"Look honey," Ray told her. "Anything glue related is Cheryl. I would have thought you'd have figured it out by now. As well as find a place that sells decent shoes."
FLASHFORWARD!
"Okay now I see how the muffin thing pushed her over the edge," Cyril remarked.
"I remember her," Cheryl scoffed. "She really didn't like fire. She was only there a week. Too long for my taste."
"Whatever happened to her anyway?" Lana asked. "I was on a mission when she left."
"Remember the cleaning lady incident earlier that month?" Ray asked. "When she stormed out she pushed the wrong button on the elevator."
"You mean?" Lana gasped.
"SPLAT!" Cheryl laughed with a cackle.
"We lost a lot of people in that elevator," Cyril sighed.
"Hang on," Lana frowned. "You didn't pull any stunts like that with us, did you?"
"NO!" Ray said shocked. "Never! I'd never do that to people I actually like!"
"Yeah but what about the time you and I…" Krieger then paused. "Oh…"
FLASHBACK!
"BAWK! BAWK! BAWK!" The members of the Figgis Agency strutted around in their underwear.
"God, I love scopolamine," Krieger filmed their antics with a camera.
"Me too," Ray grinned as he ate some blintzes. "Just never tell them what you did Krieger. Otherwise they'd kill us."
"Well not literally," Krieger shrugged.
"Hello!" Ray pointed to Mallory and Pam.
"Oh right," Krieger realized. "Best to keep this on the down low."
"Exactly," Ray nodded.
FLASHFORWARD!
"The time you and Ray what?" Cyril asked Krieger.
"Nothing," Krieger gulped. "Ray and I never did anything."
"What do you mean you and Ray never did anything?" Lana barked.
"Just like you and I never did anything," Ray gave her a look.
"What do you mean by…?" Then Lana remembered. "Oh…"
FLASHBACK!
"I can't believe we used knockout gas on our friends," Lana snickered as she drew a mustache on Archer in his office. Archer's office was in a bigger mess than usual with beer cans and silly string all over the place.
"Hey you wanted to get back at them, didn't you?" Ray asked as he drank some of Archer's scotch.
"Well mostly Archer," Lana admitted. "And Cyril. Still pissed that he cheated on me. With Cheryl. So yeah her too. And Pam and Krieger must have known so…"
"So, when Ms. Archer comes back this afternoon and sees the state of the office she's going to assume everyone just had another party," Ray grinned. "Which we weren't invited to. On account of our latest mission."
"I can't believe we were able to assassinate that double agent so quickly," Lana remarked.
"Well he did just buy the apartment next to yours without knowing you were living next door," Ray shrugged. "That's just poor planning on his part."
"I almost feel bad about not telling anyone about the thirty thousand we found in his room," Lana shrugged. "Almost."
"Keep your half and buy something expensive," Ray grinned. "While I buy something pretty. Maybe a new boyfriend?"
FLASHFORWARD!
"Of course, you never did anything," Lana blinked. "Like you and I never did anything like that."
"No, we never did," Ray said.
"Why would you say…?" Cyril began. "Hang on…?"
FLASHBACK!
Back in the old days of the spy agency. Ray was in a wheelchair that time and next to Cyril's desk. "Come on Cyril…Don't you want some money for yourself?"
"By cutting the bonuses of Archer, Lana and the other agents?" Cyril asked.
"Just say Ms. Archer ordered it during an absinthe bender!" Ray waved. "She's had two this week! It's not exactly implausible!"
"Yeah but…" Cyril frowned.
"Don't you deserve an extra twenty grand after what Archer and Lana put you through?" Ray asked. "Hell so do I!"
"But Lana…" Cyril began.
"The woman who dumped you and stole Archer's sperm?" Ray snapped. "Be a man Cyril! She screwed you, it's time for you to screw her back!"
"Yeah!" Cyril snapped. "You're right!" Cyril moved the money around using his computer. "Done!"
"See?" Ray grinned. "Now we each have an extra twenty grand in our accounts. And you made it look like Ms. Archer ordered it right?"
"Oh it was so easy," Cyril waved. "Her password is Duchess. Not that hard to make it look like this was her idea."
"Good," Ray grinned. "So you say nothing. And I say nothing. Both Archer and Lana will get nothing and we'll both be happy."
"Why not?" Cyril grinned.
FLASHFORWARD!
"What were you going to say Cyril?" Pam asked.
"Nothing," Cyril gulped. "Nothing at all."
"Yes, because we didn't do anything," Ray said. "Just like Pam and I never did anything."
"Oh, come on Ray!" Pam snorted. "We uh…." She then remembered.
FLASHBACK!
Back again at the spy agency. And Ray was in a wheelchair this time as well. "I dunno Ray," Pam frowned. "Taking the bonuses of all those agents…?"
"All you have to do is make it look like Scatter Brained Jane screwed up the forms," Ray pointed out. "She did it before."
"Actually, both times that was me," Pam coughed. "What? I had some debts to pay okay?"
"So it's not like you haven't done it before," Ray gave her a look. "And this time I want in. My co-pay for my medical bills sucks."
"Yeah, I haven't had a chance to change the medical co-pay yet," Pam shrugged.
"Why not now?" Ray asked.
"Last time I nearly bankrupted the agency when Cheryl and I did that," Pam pointed out.
"PAM FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST!" Mallory was heard. "THE NEXT TIME YOU GO OUT USE THE FREIGHT ELEVATOR! BECAUSE YOU'RE SO FAT YOU'RE BREAKING THE REGULAR ONE! NOW I HAVE TO CALL SOMEONE TO FIX THE DAMN THING AGAIN!"
"On the other hand," Pam remarked. "It's not like Ms. Archer can't afford it. And Archer and Lana are agents so they can always make more money."
"Exactly," Ray smirked. "So if you don't say anything and I won't say anything…?"
"Deal," Pam nodded. "I'll get the zucchini and the absinthe. Then we can break into Ms. Archer's computer and make our health plan great again!"
FLASHFORWARD!
"Were you going to say something Pam?" Lana asked.
"Nothing," Pam blinked. "Nope. I confused Ray with someone else. Scatter Brain Jane. Yes, it was Scatter Brain Jane that screwed up all those forms that day no one got their bonuses. They both had mustaches at the time. Easy to get confused."
"Yes," Ray said. "It was Scatter Brained Jane that did those things. Like she's the one who stole the money. And is putting out slander on our lives with that stupid TV show."
"Well then she's a lot smarter than I thought," Cheryl remarked. "Because I always thought she was a complete and total idiot!"
"And that's you saying it," Cyril quipped.
"Oh yeah?" Cheryl snapped. "How about the time Ray and I…? Uhhhh…?"
FLASH-HANG ON….
"Hang on we really didn't do anything to anybody," Cheryl realized. "Huh. I wonder why? I mean I did a lot of stuff to you and everyone here behind their backs. He he? Pam remember the time we gave Ms. Archer zucchini and she had an allergic reaction? And blamed it on Scatter Brain Jane."
"Maybe?" Pam whistled.
"And then…" Cheryl laughed. "While she was like lying on the couch blind and drugged out of her gourd we broke into the agency's health care plan and changed it. Our co-pays were like zero and the agency paid for everything! That was funny!"
"That was when everything started to go wrong financially!" Cyril realized. "Oh my god! That health care plan wrecked the agency's budget permanently!"
"Well that and the Archers' extravagant spending," Cheryl scoffed. "And the time Ms. Archer got tricked by that Ponzi scheme."
"Gee why would I not want to do anything with you?" Ray asked sarcastically.
"As fun as it's been taking a trip down Memory Lane," Lana groaned. "What are we going to do?"
"About…?" Cheryl was confused.
"The TV show that is a parody of our lives!" Lana barked. "Oh, forget it! It's like talking to Gir!"
"Look," Ray let out a breath. "I hate to say it, y'all. But there's nothing we can do but keep our mouths shut. We weren't exactly the most respected agency when we were spies and now that we got blacklisted our reputation hasn't gotten any better."
"And if we make a stink even more people will figure out that what they're seeing on TV isn't fake," Pam groaned. "And a lot of what we did was super illegal. Then we'd really be in the soup."
"Hot soup," Krieger nodded. "Super-hot soup. Not literally right?"
"Listen," Ray said as he got up. "Nobody say anything to Ms. Archer. If she ever finds out we will pretend none of us ever heard of this show. Complete denial and shock. Nobody ever got in any trouble just by keeping their mouth shut."
He looked at Pam. "Pam!"
"What? Jesus!" Pam snapped. "I didn't say anything before, did I?"
"She didn't say anything about the show for three weeks," Cyril admitted. "That's a record for her."
"What record?" Cheryl blinked. "I thought people were using CDS and tapes now and those cloud thingy's."
"You took some gummy groovies this morning, didn't you?" Ray sighed.
"A couple dozen," Cheryl giggled. Her eyes glazed over. "Oooh! A rainbow!"
"Whose turn, is it?" Pam sighed.
"Mine," Ray sighed as he managed to get Cheryl up. "Come on honey. Let's go visit our friend Mr. Stomach Pump."
"Grandmother said it's a woman's best friend to staying slim!" Cheryl said cheerfully as she went with him.
"God that woman is more messed up than an entire season of a soap opera," Pam remarked.
"Word," Krieger nodded. "She almost pecked an entire box of paper clips when…Never mind."
"What was that?" Pam asked.
"Nothing," Krieger said. "What are you talking about? Nothing ever happened with Ray and I. We didn't do anything. Did you do something Pam?"
"Of course not!" Pam said defensively. "Ray and I didn't do anything! Why would you think that? If it was Lana and Ray maybe but…"
"But we didn't!" Lana barked. "Ray and I didn't do anything!"
"Well Ray and I certainly didn't do anything," Cyril said nervously.
"Big surprise," Pam rolled her eyes. "So, we all agree that none of us did anything in the past and we shouldn't say a word about what didn't happen? Ever!"
"Obviously," Krieger waved.
"Because nothing did happen," Lana nodded. "So why are we talking about it?"
"Because Krieger brought it up!" Pam said.
"I didn't bring anything up!" Krieger snapped.
"You certainly did!" Cyril snapped.
"No, I didn't!" Krieger snapped. "Because there was nothing to bring up!"
"Well I didn't bring it up," Lana said. "So why are we talking about nothing? What is this a Seinfeld episode?"
"Wait if you didn't do anything?" Cyril was putting things together. "And I didn't do anything? And if Pam and Krieger didn't do anything…?"
"Then that means…?" Krieger gasped. "Ohhh…"
"Son of a bitch," Lana realized. "That sneaky little…"
"Okay," Pam remarked. "Ray should have been an actor. And he definitely deserves an academy award!"
"Or at the very least a damn Emmy," Krieger nodded.