Calin stared blankly down into the bowl of oatmeal in front of her, swirling the metallic spoon through the brown mush that she hadn't touched since she cooked it. It had been three hours since she had made her way into the kitchen, getting ready for her usual dinner night with Bucky. It had become a tradition shortly after moving in to Stark tower.
A tradition that involved just the two of them on most occasions, but also Steve and Natasha when they weren't busy. The four of them getting along the best. However, tonight was suppose to be a just the two of you kind of night. Where they could have easily burnt the kitchen down making whatever the hell they wanted. While Vision made snide comments from the living room and warning Tony about a potential fire hazard asking if his insurance cards were up to date.
By hour one Calin presumed that he had lost track of time. Bucky had a concerning lack of an internal clock now, and would get distracted by almost anything that caught his attention. She always laughed at how surprised he seemed by the advances that happened since he became the winter soldier. By hour two, she figured Steve might have kept him late for training. Knowing that there was a mission coming up and all the practice was necessary for people to come back alive. However, by hour three she had come to the conclusion Bucky had forgotten. Calin supposed it wasn't that surprising, this had been the fifth time in three weeks that he had missed their scheduled dinner.
Shoving the bowl away from herself, she sighed heavily. She knew deep down that Bucky would grow bored of their friendship. He had used her to pull himself out of the depths of darkness, and now that he was on the path to recovery it was time to move on. It was only a matter of time before she was traded in, dropped for the shinier upgraded version, one that had all the bells and whistles. Calin had hoped it would have been further down the road, where she could have pulled the ripcord before he made any decisions. But like most things in her life, that plan seem to explode in her face.
"Where's Buck?" A calm voice brought her out of her thoughts, causing Calin to glance up.
Steve was standing by the sink, grabbing a glass of water. His tight fitting grey shirt dotted with large patches of sweat. Clearly he had just come from training, and since he had no idea where his best friend was she knew her earlier thoughts must have held true.
Shrugging her shoulders she answer him, "Don't know, thought he was with you." The words come out a bit harsh, which caused Steve to lift a brow in her direction. It wasn't uncommon for Calin to get agitated, it was just a rare moment for her to unleash it on a undeserving bystander.
"He left early kid, said he had a dinner date." Walking across the obscenely shiny floor, that Tony just had waxed again, Cap found a seat beside her in the breakfast nook. His large, muscled body sliding gracefully over until his shoulder rested against her own.
Steve knew Bucky had been up to something, the way his eyes averted his own when he had asked about his plans. He just never figured Bucky would have left her all alone. Calin was one of his closest friends besides himself. It may not have been like that initially, but the two of them were nearly inseparable now. Where she was, Buck was close behind.
"Not with me." Again she sighed, her eyes staring longingly at the kitchen door that was propped open. Wondering if he would ever make an appearance or if he'd leave her all night. "Did I do something?" She finally asked defeatedly, still not diverting her gaze away from the doorway. Hoping….
Steve didn't know what to say to that, he was just as baffled by his buddies behavior the past few weeks. Especially knowing this wasn't a one time occurance. It was uncharacteristic of him to even forget a meeting, let alone time with Calin.
"No, Bucks probably just in a funk. Give him some time." Steve finally settled on a path, hoping Bucky would turn it around soon. Maybe voice his problems instead of letting them fester.
"You're right, I'm just overthinking." She turned her head to give the Cap a genuine smile. "If you see him, let him know…. You know what forget it." Sliding out from the table, she grabbed her bowl throwing it in the sink quickly before exiting the room. "By the way I baked you some of those scones you like, I hid them on the bottom shelf in the pantry so Clint can't find them." She vaguely pointed to the doors just as she rounded the corner, knowing Steve loved anything she tried baking. But he especially fell in love with the chocolate scones she seemed to have mastered.
"You're the best!" Calin heard him call after her as her boot clad feet carried her down the long hallway heading towards her room.
From here she could hear Thor and Bruce watching a soccer game on the television. Both getting a bit to aggressive over who was actually winning. Which had her shaking her head,Thor had never watched a game in his entire life but his pride was to big to say otherwise, and of course pretending to understand what was happening was easier than asking Bruce to explain it.
Natasha and Clint were walking down the opposite hall, heading towards the training rooms. Both holding a pair of sheathed knives, twirling them at such a speed she definitely would have stabbed herself and anyone else that happened to be in close proximity at that point. Calin was definitely not the most graceful of the group, but she managed just fine. Even if it didn't involve her powers, which she had refused to use since Tony brought her to Stark tower.
No one quite knew what she could actually do, besides the few parlor tricks she amused them with, and frankly it was best that way. Not unlike Dr. Banner, she too could lose control. The only difference was she didn't turn into the jolly green giant at the end. No, she turned into something much scarier, much more dangerous and something so hard to control that even Calin couldn't stop it once it had started. There was no calming technique that she learned or a big red fucking button that cut the power. Once it was on it was on until she could claw her way back into control. There of course had been rumors at first, wondering if she truly was "gifted", which she scoffed loudly at. She would have gladly told them it was more like a fucking curse than a gift.
She wasn't born with her powers, no, she had been chosen by HYDRA when she was just a kid. Her parents had gotten paid a large sum of money to allow it to happen, so they turned the other way when they hand picked her to be a lab rat, experiment on, injected and cut open. Until one day they ended up with a girl who was so emerised in rage that her powers were no longer controllable. The outcome of that day scared Calin, her mind reliving it on repeat almost every night. The looks…. the blood that soaked her clothes, the metallic smell lingering in the air, the sudden deafening silence they settled across the HYDRA base It all scared her, that's why she silently vowed never to let the power to take control of her again.
That was until she had been out on a mission, it was typical nothing out of the ordinary. Until the small group of HYDRA agents blew up the supporting walls of a skyscraper in Dubai. Steve, Natasha, Bucky, Sam and herself were in the direct path. There was nothing to be done and in seconds everyone would have been crushed to death. No amount of running or flying would have gotten any of them to safety quick enough. As they braced for impacted, she gritted her teeth using every ounce of energy in her to channel it towards the building without waking the beast within.
It was a blur after that, as black smoke billowed out if her palms and up into the air, wrapping like spindles around the falling building. Bucky had been the first one to look up, especially when the falling debris had stopped. Her eyes had locked with his as she all but screamed out in agony, the weight of the building pulling at every muscle, every tendon in her body.
In a flash he had been over to her, throwing his gun to the ground so his hands could come up to support her own. Whispering words of encouragement and playfulness demanding she not crush them because you guys hadn't even finished the third Jurassic park and how was he suppose to watch it without her commentary. Calin had to fight back the small laugh that he brought her,extremely grateful for his distraction. It cleared her mind just enough to push the building back up, leaning it against itself so no one was to badly hurt. The last thing she needed was another bad press conference and dozens of dead civilians.
That had been the first and only time she had used a large portion of her powers and it wasn't even the full blown event either. It was merely the tip of the iceberg. But of course there were questions, demanding questions brought upon her afterwards. Nick Fury both intrigued and infuriated that somehow she blatantly failed to tell him how powerful she truly was. Practically threatening her existence as an Avenger if she didn't show what she could do in front of the council. Calin had put her foot down though, sticking to what she knew. No good would come from it, not one fucking thing. And it pissed her off that he fucking acted like he owned her, like she was some circus act that he could call upon to make dance at his convenience. Newsflash no one would ever own her. And if it came down to that, than it wouldn't be very fun for them. It definitely wasn't a fun time for those HYDRA agents who had tried the same thing years before.
Shaking her head, she cleared her thoughts as she found herself at her bedroom door. Pushing it open she walked in, kicking her boots off one at a time into the corner where her laundry basket sat, filled to the brim with dirty clothes. It had been a few weeks since she washed any, and her lack of clean wardrobe was showing. Given the fact she was in a pair of black mesh gym shorts and a old ratty looking hoodie she had stole from Steve awhile back.
Bypassing the bed, she sunk to the floor beside it instead. The mattress so soft that it felt like she was slowly being sucked into quicksand, that uncomfortable smothering sensation consuming her to the point where sleep would never come.
Curling up into the mound of blankets she took a deep breath. Her eyes landing on a photo of Bucky and her on the bottom shelf of the night stand. Reaching out she grabbed the frame, panning over it with interest. It had been taken a year ago at Tony's surprise party. They both had those stupid oversized party hat's on which made them look ridiculous. His metal arm was wrapped around her waist pulling her in for the picture. It had been the only photo that she had gotten her hands on of Bucky actually smiling, a true, heart melting smile.
The two of them looked so different though, a stark contrast between one another. Calin was average looking at best. Certainly nowhere near the same realm as Natasha or even Wanda for that matter. While Bucky was something pulled out of a GQ magazine, even when his hair was disheveled and he hadn't shaved in weeks. Basically, pure sex God as people on the internet had collectively decided. This she happily showed him, hoping he would get a good laugh from it. But what she got was a devilish glint in his piercing eyes and a small blush spreading across his cheeks. It had happened so quickly that if she hadn't seen it for herself, she would have never believed it. He was the tough winter soldier, but Bucky Barnes was ever the gentleman, even after everything that happened to him.
A sudden knock at her door, had her placing the photo back down on the nightstand. Quickly making herself comfortable, hiding her face in the blanket, trying to make it appear she had fallen asleep. Calin was in no mood to talk, or discuss plans of any kind, she just wanted to be alone. Afterall Bucky left her alone so why not just carry that right on through till tomorrow.
When she didn't respond, the door clicked open. The hinge creaking ever so softly as it was pushed on. Who ever it was clearly didn't take the hint and was making their way closer. Their boots almost silently carrying them across the hardwood floor. She inwardly grimaced knowing exactly who it was, the bed creaking from up above her giving them away. Only one person ever invited themselves into her quarters, and that same person was the one always laying on the bed when she found it to be a useless piece of furniture. Something not even worthy to be considered an ottoman.
She squeezed her eyes closed, and trying her best to slow her heart rate. Bucky had excellent hearing given the fact he was a super soldier, and it wouldn't be hard for him to tell if she was truly asleep.
The both of them remained quiet, unsure of whether or not he was buying her charade. If he didn't, he was playing along. Soon the familiar weight of his metal fingers smoothed gently across her back. Even through the sweatshirt she knew it wasn't his human hand. He never touched her with anything but his metal appendage. His fingers deftly making intricate patterns on the fabric of her shirt, just like he always did when they spent time together.
"I know you're awake, Doll." Bucky finally broke the silence. He had known she was awake the moment he had stepped into the room but had decided to play along with the little act. Knowing her brooding had been caused by himself and his actions.
Bucky found himself stuck between a rock and a hard place at the moment, one that had his mind torn on what to actually do. He had been distant to her lately, pulling away to the point where he was purposefully skipping their scheduled time together. With the regimented agenda that Steve had him on, that tended to only be once or twice a week. And Bucky had skipped out on the last five or so, managing to avoid Calin with the utmost care. Making sure he was out of the tower or hidden in his room well before she would build up the nerve to look for him. However it surprised him that she never actually looked, she let him hide and forget their time together like it had been was Calin though, she never pushed or poked him for answers, if he didn't feel like talking then they would sit in a comfortable silence. So he supposed it shouldn't have been that shocking the girl never came looking for him after all.
"No I'm not, and don't call me that." Calin finally answered, her words trying to be like sandpaper pulling down his cheek, harsh and painful. She was silently hoping he'd take the hint and go but it didn't seem to work.
Bucky had to bite his tongue at her comeback though, it was classic Calin as he knew her, always the smart ass. However his nickname was a sure fire way to get her to respond no matter the mood she was in. She had adimmently protested it, glaring at him with such hatred each time it fell from his lips, telling Bucky she was nowhere close to a doll. It amused him, dames from his time had always crumbled at the pet name, but Calin wasn't as easily swayed. Then again he had never met someone quite like her back when he was younger.
Ignoring her bitter tone, he continued to gently soothe her back, tracing his name aimlessly into the dark red fabric unbenounced to her. It was something he had found calming, the simple gesture such an intimate act that he only felt comfortable doing with her. The mere thought of that had him stopping, pulling his hand away as if it scalded him. He couldn't do this anymore. He couldn't just touch her, it would give mixed signals, confusing the situation even more than it already was. He was here for a reason.
"Can we talk? Please?" His words came out more pleading than he wished. But this was important, Bucky had to do this now or he would never find the strength in himself to say it. He had managed to muster enough courage over the past week, or as Sam so politely put, Bucky finally found his balls.
Silently groaning Calin shifted, sitting up from the cozy spot on the ground. Turning around to face him, her eyes landing on his face with the utmost care. Searching for any signs, anything to tell her what he was actually here for. As usual, Bucky's emotions were hid extremely well, even from her.
"You missed dinner." She broke the silence first, a bitterness in her words that almost made her mouth cringe. There was no right for her to be this mad at him, they were just friends and if Bucky wanted to stay away that was his prerogative.
Casting his eyes towards the floor, his long chestnut hair fell around his face. "I know, and I'm sorry." His voice sounded pained, which had Calin sobering up real quick. Her anger and rage at him completely dissipating like it never even existed. That was one quality she hated about Bucky, one carefully crafted sentence and she was like putty in his hands. Willing to jump through fiery rings of death if that is what he wished for.
Calin carefully watched the soldier as he laid there quietly, his eyes staring intently at the floor as if he was searching for an answer hidden in the wood grain. So when he finally turned over and sat up, her eyes followed his movements. His large metal hand coming up and patting the black bedding beside himself, beckoning her to sit with him. She didn't hesitate, lifting herself from the floor and sitting down beside her friend.
Well friend being a loose term for her feelings for Buck. He was always so kind and sweet, and she had fallen head first in what Steve explained was the James Buchanan Barnes charm. It had been unintentional, she had solidly put her foot down commanding herself to not fall for him just because he was being nice. Calin had a problem with that, any guy who paid the slightest bit of positive attention to her had her instantly falling for them. Even if she knew the likelihood of that happening was slim... well more like nonexistent. Calin knew that there was a higher probability of seeing fucking God at the moment than Bucky seeing her in any other light then a good friend. But it didn't stop the twang of hurt that shot through her heart seeing him so distraught.
"I just can't do this anymore." He all but mumbled, which had Calin furrowing her eyebrows in confusion.
"Do what Buck?" She cautiously asked, not certain about even wanting the answer to that. Bucky was so tense at the moment, his muscles locked tight as he twisted his hands together over and over again. A gesture that she had come to know as his way of releasing his nerves.
Reaching out she gently tried to take his hands, trying to ease his mind. He moved though, just as her hand was about to touch him, pulling just out of reach. The act causing Calin to sink back in embarrassment, he had never recoiled at her touch before. A new harsh wave of hurt crashing into her, one that started in her chest and cascaded down to the rest of her body.
"This." He finally gazed up, his steely blue eyes finding her own as he gestured between the two of them. "I can't keep avoiding and lying to you. You mean to much to me, for that." Calin was barely even registering his words at the moment, knowing that there was most likely a "but" coming. "But… I've found someone, and I want to spend time with them. With missions and training lately, there's just not enough time for everything. And I don't want to be that guy who promises to be somewhere and doesn't show up."
"Oh…." Her eyes diverted away from him, swallowing thickly as she tried not to burst into tears. Calin didn't cry and she wouldn't cry, not in front of him. "If that's what you want." She didn't even fight what was happening currently, knowing she would always be on the losing side of this battle. A battle that in her head was going to happen at any moment, after all she was on borrowed time with him, and she guessed her time just ran out.
"We can just take a break you know, catch up when we do missions together. Maybe train like we used to. " Bucky nudged her shoulder, but she didn't look in his direction.
"Sure." It was simply put, and Calin didn't feel like explaining to him why her voice was off.
Bucky regretted everything that had just spewed from his mouth. Another lie, a huge lie to the girl sitting beside him who at the moment looked like she was about ready to crack. His eyes had been watching her carefully, watching as the once bright light in her hazel eyes slowly dimmed until it all but burnt out completely. Her head turning just to the right angle where her features became hidden. Not allowing him to he see any emotion. To Calin emotion was a weakness, a chink in the physical armour. She could break twenty bones and refuse to shed a single tear, worried it would change the way people looked at her. So as she sat deadly still, her breathing very controlled as if she was aware of everything at the moment, Bucky knew she was trying to gain control.
There was no other girl though, there would never be anyone else. No one would put up with his punk ass, with all his faults and flaws, with the nights he woke up several times screaming from his vivid nightmares. Calin did though, the girl had made a broken man not so broken. She had been there through it all, her room being beside Bucky's, many nights she had probably woken in a panic hearing him scream. But every time she'd make her way to him, sitting down beside him on the bed just long enough until he'd fall back asleep.
He didn't deserve her plain and simple. And the recent dreams he had been suffering from only instilled that notion. They had plagued him for weeks, causing him to pull away from her, worried they would somehow come true. That he would revert back to the winter soldier and kill her with his bare hands. Strangling the very last breath from her body. The mere thought had Bucky's heart aching, he refused to have her blood on his hands, he had too much innocent blood there as it was. So the only logical thing to do was pull away with the biggest lie he could come up with. Tell her he found someone, make her believe because if he asked her for anything she would jump through hoops to do it. If he asked for time apart, she would go along with it, no questions asked.
"Hey… look at me." Bucky finally said, using his metal fingers to tilt her chin up towards him. The feel of her burning hot skin against his cold metal hand such a stark contrast, that it actually let him truly feel her. It was something he hadn't been able to do with his left arm in years. It was like a numb, lifeless extension of himself until he met her, and he took every opportunity to sooth her back or grab her hand just to see if the sensation wasn't just a cruel trick "You're still my number one girl, you got that." His thumb gently traced small circles on her cheek.
Calin didn't want to hear it though, she didn't want to hear any of the things he had to say. Because she knew it would only lead her down a path of pain. It was just like Bucky to weave some perfect sentence, making her feel like she was the most important thing in his life, when in reality he had just asked her to leave him alone.
"Sure." She plainly put once more, pulling away from his hand. Not wanting his touch anymore. "You know what I'm kinda tired, so I'm just gonna go to bed."
Getting to her feet, she made her way back to her blanket on the ground. Sinking down so her back was to Bucky, her eyes going blurry as she fought with every ounce of energy to keep the tears at bay. To keep the anger coursing through her veins down because she didn't feel like turning around and punching him in the jaw yet. Again she had no right, he wasn't hers.
"I-I can stay…" He started, his resolve completely deteriorating by the second. But he grimaced when she opened the door to her room with a slight flick of her fingers.
Calin didn't use her full powers, but she used the basics especially when her emotions were getting the best of her. Opening doors, flickering lights nothing that was that spectacular. As Tony classified it, she was a living version of a poltergeist.
"I think your new girl wouldn't appreciate that very much." Turning to look at him, she gave Bucky a small smile, it may have been fake and forced but it was a smile.
They stared at one another for a few seconds in a uncomfortable silence. The first time in their friendship where it was a skin crawling moment of awkwardness.
Bucky finally moved, getting to his feet shoving his hands in his jean pockets. There was nothing to say, nothing to fix what he had just done. So he hoped that it was the right thing to do, that breaking her heart was what needed to happen to keep her safe.
"I love you Calin, remember that." Bucky quietly said as he turned and made his way out of her room.
Once she heard his footsteps disappear down the hall, she let out a single sob. Her heart shattering into pieces she had no interest in picking up. Bucky was her best friend, and in an instant he threw it all away.
That was the exact moment she realized he would be the end of her.