Prompts:
"Are you using the Confundus Charm or are you just naturally mind blowing?"
The Noble Bachelor: Write about any male character who is not married
James Potter had a plan. He knew that Lily was sometimes sad because she didn't get along with her sister, Petunia. Whenever they visited Little Whinging, Petunia would sulk and call Lily a freak. James didn't understand how anyone could think magic was for freaks, since magic was obviously really awesome and cool. He was certain that if Petunia Evans would only change her mind about magic, the two sisters would get along again.
James already thought he knew who could change Petunia's mind about magic. If there was one warlock who could woo any lady, it was The Prince of Players, The Champion of Conquest, The Noble Bachelor of Hogwarts himself, Sirius Black.
"Please, please, please, Sirius," begged James before Quidditch practice one afternoon.
"Explain to me again why it would be a good idea for me to hit on your girlfriend's sister?"
"Because, if you used your super amazing charms on her, maybe Petunia Evans would finally realize how great magic is and stop being so mean to Lily! Look at it this way: You always win over the girls with your whole 'rebellious pureblood bad boy' thing. But Petunia Evans hates fun, she hates magic, and she hates romance. She'd be, like, the ultimate challenge!"
"Eh, I don't know," said Sirius, running his hand nonchalantly through his dark bangs. He knew he could have any straight or bisexual girl at Hogwarts falling at his feet with the slightest wink or nod of his head.
"Please…" James whined, "Just think of how pissed off your parents would be if they knew you were going out with, like, the Mugglest Muggle Who Ever Muggled!
"Well, is she good-looking?" asked Sirius.
"Eh, she's alright. Not as pretty as Lily but not bad to look at."
"I don't date any Trolls, okay?" replied his friend, "I'm only about O-level ladies."
"You know," said Remus, "maybe if you based any of your flings on something deeper than physical appearance, you might have a relationship that lasted longer than a week."
"No, Moony! It's what's on the outside that counts. That's because, on the inside, all women are crazy."
James crossed his arms. "Just because some of the women in your family are super crazy, that doesn't mean that all women are crazy."
"No, they all are!" insisted Sirius, "That's why I keep telling you that you should keep it light with Lily before things can get too committed."
"You just say that because your biggest fear is commitment," said Remus. "Your boggart was an image of yourself getting down on one knee to propose to someone!"
"Don't remind me, Moony. I'm still having nightmare flashbacks to that DADA lesson."
That Friday, Sirius and Remus went together to meet up with Lily and James at Lily's family's house in Little Whinging. Petunia Evans sat on the sofa in the living room, watching a game show on the television.
Sirius Black eyed the Muggle girl. She was wearing a brown-and-white plaid blouse buttoned all the way up her neck and her ponytail could not be bound any tighter. She ignored everyone as she stared at the television.
Sirius sat down next to her and waited for her to notice him. When she continued staring at the TV, he cleared her throat. She turned her head and looked alarmed to see Jame's warlock friend sitting next to her.
"Hey," said Sirius, as he winked at her and smirked.
"Oh, hey," she mumbled, switching the channels to program showing a commercial for cornflakes.
He prepared to deploy one of the classic pickup lines that would usually make girls instantly swoon at his feet.
"Hey, did you just use the Stupefy charm or are you a natural stunner?"
Petunia Evans stared at Sirius blankly.
Winking at her again, Sirius pulled out another one of his best, most successful lines, "Hey honey, are you using the Confundus charm right now or are you always this mind-blowing?"
"What?" She said, her face turning red.
"Hey babe, are you a Veela? Because you seem to have me under your trace."
"I don't know what a VEELA is! I don't speak Wizard, dumbass!"
Petunia Evans stood up and threw another vicious glare at Sirius Black. Then she stormed up the stairs and slammed the door to her bedroom.
Retreating to the kitchen, Sirius reconvened with Remus.
"Moony, none of my brilliant pick-up lines are working on her!" said Sirius. "Why isn't she begging me to go out with her? Why isn't she groveling at my feet? It's like she's totally immune to my charms! What's happening to me, Moony? Am I cursed? Has she been hexed?"
Remus sighed. He knew he was there to support Sirius as his wingman, but he honestly didn't have the slightest experience in wooing women.
"Maybe you could try actually getting to know her as a person, you know, talking to her about her likes and dislikes, that kind of thing."
"But Moony, that might lead to things like holding hands, calling each other 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend' and c…c…c…commitment!" Sirius paled as if he might pass out as he uttered the dreaded "c word."
"Don't worry, Padfoot. Maybe she's just not that into you."
"Not that into me?" said Sirius as if his world had just exploded.
Meanwhile, Petunia was up in her bedroom sulking as she sat on her bed.
Lily knocked on her door and entered.
"Hey, Petunia, are you okay?" said Lily, "You seemed a little overwhelmed from all the attention Sirius was giving you earlier."
"Why should I care what that freak thinks of me? He probably spends all his time gazing into a mirror, thinking of how much more magical and better-looking he is than everyone else."
"So, you do think he's good looking then?" said Lily.
"What? No! I just think that he thinks that other people think he's good-looking."
"So you do find him attractive?" Lily grinned.
"Oh my god, Lily, I just said he was a freak!"
When she finally came down to the first floor, Sirius pulled Petunia aside to ask her if she wanted to go for a walk.
"Yeah, sure, okay, whatever," mumbled Petunia, staring at her feet.
They walked for several blocks around the sidewalks of Little Whinging, past fenced enclosures, carefully pruned shrubbery, and identical-looking houses.
Remembering Remus's advice, Sirius sat down with Petunia on a bench and tried to think of something to ask her.
"So hey," asked Sirius. "How does it feel to be hanging out with one of the Marauders? Is it everything you ever dreamed?
"What the hell is a Marauder?"
"You know, coolest guys at Hogwarts…. baddest pranksters who ever lived…"
"Baddest pranksters who ever lived? What are you, five?"
"No, no, I'm...I'm a Marauder. It's...really awesome... Me, James, Remus, and Peter are Padfoot, Prongs, Moony, and Wormtail. Those are our cool, Marauder names."
"Well, obviously, I've never even heard of that, because I don't go to Hogwarts, dumbass," said Petunia.
"Oh, um, okay…" Sirius scratched his shoulder. "Well, what kind of Muggle things do you like then?"
"You mean, like, normal people things? I guess I like watching TV shows and reading magazines about celebrities."
"Wow, Petunia. You're not like anyone I've ever met before," said Sirius, looking into her eyes curiously. "Can I ask you something? How does it feel to be a Muggle?
Petunia shrugged. "I don't really think about it that much. For me, being a Muggle is just, like, the normal way to be. I just hate it when everyone acts like Lily is so perfect and like I don't even exist."
"Really? That's how my family treats me, too! They act like I don't exist, which is ridiculous, because, I mean, I'm Sirius Black." Sirius flipped his hair dramatically and flexed his arms. "I hate that they ignore me just because I don't believe everything they all believe. My parents think magical people should only hang out with other magical people. They would hate it if they knew I was talking with a Muggle right now."
"Oh my god! What kind of freaks would be so freaky they'd want to be even bigger freaks than a freak like you?" said Petunia.
Sirius blushed. "Wow, Petunia, I never looked at it that way, but you're so right."
Taking her hand, he gazed deeply in her eyes. He knew it was time to use the line that he always used on girls before they got the wrong idea and he braced himself for her reaction.
"Before this goes any further, let me just be clear. I'm not looking for anything too serious."
"That's fine," said Petunia dryly, "It's not like I expected any different."
What? Thought Sirius, Why was she not crying? Why was she not freaking out? Why wasn't she acting all craaazy?