The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has been turned into toast. Some mad insanity from my tiny little brain had to escape. This is…
As The Appliances Turn
"Where the hell have you lot been?" Mallory snapped as the Figgis Agency trod into the bullpen late one afternoon.
"What do you care?" Cheryl rolled her eyes. "You barely come in nowadays anyway!"
"I do so come to work!" Mallory snapped. "To check on you! And surprise! None of you were here when I did come in! Why?"
"I told you she'd figure it out," Lana said to Cyril. "So much for your plan not to tell her."
"Tell me what?" Mallory asked.
"Hey! I handled it didn't I?" Cyril snapped. "We didn't need her!"
"Handled what?" Mallory asked. "Need me for what?"
"You should have called her and told her we weren't going to be in," Lana continued to lecture. "I told you Mallory comes in sometimes. It was a mistake thinking she wouldn't notice."
"Notice what?" Mallory was getting annoyed.
"We got off and that's the important thing," Cyril said. "We didn't need to bother Ms. Archer for this!"
"Bother me for what?" Mallory shouted. "What the hell happened?"
"Oh, you're gonna love this one," Pam snickered.
"What did you idiots do?" Mallory asked. "Where were you this morning?"
"We were at the courthouse," Cyril said. "Small claims court."
"You were working a case?" Mallory asked hopefully.
"Yeah! Ours!" Lana groaned.
"Lana!" Cyril protested.
"What did you idiots do?" Mallory groaned.
"You want to take this one Krieger?" Cyril asked.
"Not particularly, no," Krieger coughed.
"What did you do?" Mallory snapped.
"Technically it wasn't my fault as much as…" Krieger began.
Milton rolled in beeping. "Oh, like anyone is going to buy that excuse!" Krieger snapped at the toaster.
"Wait a minute," Mallory began to piece it together. "You went to court because of that stupid toaster? What did it do?"
"The vending machine in the office next door," Pam quipped.
"WHAT?" Mallory shouted.
"Let me explain," Cyril sighed. "There's this company recently moved into the office building next door."
"I thought the café was next door?" Mallory asked.
"That's on the other side," Cyril said. "I mean the office building on the left side of the street."
"The one that used to house Sabre Industries," Lana explained. "Until they went out of business recently."
"Because their copy machines kept catching on fire," Cheryl giggled. "Man, I wish I worked there."
"So do the rest of us," Mallory groaned. "Proceed."
"Well this new company moved in a few weeks ago," Cyril explained. "Smart House Incorporated. They do home technology innovations such as security systems…"
"Which is ironic," Pam spoke up. "Because Milton has been breaking in nearly every night for a week."
"WHAT?" Mallory shouted.
"They have this experimental vending machine in the lobby," Cyril groaned. "Smart phone activated, touch screen pads all that. Apparently, Milton has been uh…"
"Getting his robot groove on!" Pam quipped.
"Some silicon sploosh!" Cheryl giggled.
"Let me see if I get this straight," Mallory blinked. "Our toaster is in love with a vending machine? Why…?"
"Maybe he's trying to make our copy machine jealous?" Cheryl shrugged.
"I thought he had a thing with the coffee machine?" Pam thought aloud. "They are closer."
"I think they're more like friends with benefits," Krieger said. "Breakfast benefits."
"So, bottom line," Mallory was stunned. "Our toaster was caught breaking in a state of the art office that supposedly specializes in security?"
"This is where the court case comes in," Lana sighed. "They thought we were trying to steal company secrets."
"Fortunately, the security footage of Milton repeatedly bumping against the vending machine proved otherwise," Ray added. "As well as all those slices of toast with little hearts burned into them."
"I didn't know Milton could do that," Lana said.
"Neither did I," Krieger said. "And I programmed Milton."
"You can kind of see why I didn't want to tell you, right?" Cyril asked.
"I'm starting to wish you hadn't told me!" Mallory groaned. "How much do we have to pay in fines?"
"Nothing, the case got thrown out," Cyril said.
"You missed it!" Pam snickered. "During the trial they brought in the vending machine and it kept flashing the message V-5RR Loves Milton."
"Milton could have had a V-8!" Cheryl quipped.
"The judge thought it was the dumbest thing he ever saw in all his years on the bench," Pam quipped. "And then Cheryl decided to take the stand."
"And then he realized it was only the second dumbest thing he ever saw," Mallory groaned. "Carol why would you testify…?"
"Because I'm an expert on sex with robots duh!" Cheryl said.
"She went into great detail about her experiences with the Fisto Roboto prototype," Pam snickered.
"Well Krieger got to testify," Cheryl pointed.
"That's because I am an expert on robotics!" Krieger snapped. "As well as having sex with them."
"As you can imagine," Cyril sighed. "Things took a turn after those two testified."
"The judge called us all the biggest group of nuts he ever saw," Pam said. "Threw out the case. Then he said when machines start loving machines it's a sign it was time to retire."
"It was the second most embarrassing incident defending a non-living thing in a courtroom I have experienced," Cyril sighed. "Even more than the time when I client I was defending for assault accused me of having an affair with his wife, the washing machine."
"Were you?" Pam asked.
"NO!" Cyril snapped. "Apparently he was super paranoid after he caught the washing machine having an affair with a dryer."
"How does a washing machine…?" Lana began.
"I DON'T KNOW LANA! I DIDN'T ASK!" Cyril snapped.
"Is that why you lost the case?" Pam snickered.
"No!" Cyril snapped. "I lost the case because my client then insisted on flirting with the stenographer's typewriter. In a very graphic manner. Don't ask!"
"Wait if Milton was second…?" Krieger realized. "What was the first?"
"What do you think?" Cyril glared at him.
FLASHBACK! TO A COURTROOM IN NEW YORK!
"Your Honor," Cyril was addressing a judge. "Even though my client does possess a high degree of intelligence and has been recognized as a legal resident by the State of New York, I don't believe she is capable of jury duty."
Right next to him was Mitsuko. "Hey! Mitsuko can judge plenty things!" She protested.
"Quiet!" Krieger was next to Mitsuko.
"You be quiet!" Mitsuko snapped and stuck out her tongue.
"So…" The middle aged male judge blinked. "She's a hologram?"
"That's correct, Sir," Cyril said.
"How the hell did she get in the system in the first place?" The Judge asked.
"Well apparently, she applied for a legal marriage license which the State of New York granted," Cyril explained.
"For all the good that it did," Mitsuko sniffed. "Krieger-san still won't marry me!"
"I told you!" Krieger protested. "Society won't accept our love!"
"Oh, but it will accept you banging robots?" Mitsuko snapped. "Like Fisto Roboto?"
"Bap, bap, bap, bap!" Krieger tried to shush her.
"You always accuse Mitsuko of having sex with Cyril-san but you go off having sex with…" Mitsuko glared at him.
"You know my favorite part of the day is when I turn you off right?" Krieger snapped.
"You haven't turned me on in a long time!" Mitsuko snapped. "Maybe Cyril could do that?"
"Wouldn't surprise me!" Krieger snapped. "He humps pretty much anyone who will let him!"
"Hey!" Cyril snapped.
"HEY!" The Judge snapped.
"WHAT?" Mitsuko, Cyril and Krieger said.
"Your Honor," Cyril gulped nervously when he realized his mistake.
"So, bottom line," The Judge sighed. "Dr. Krieger want to excuse your…companion from jury duty?"
"I don't see why I can't be on a jury," Mitsuko spoke up. "I listen to idiots all day. How much different is that from this?"
"Are you calling me an idiot?" Krieger asked.
"A smart man would not have to ask that question," Mitsuko snapped.
"You are not going to let this wedding thing go, are you?" Krieger groaned.
"What do you think?" Mitsuko snapped.
"Please be quiet," The Judge sighed.
"She can have my spot!" A juror called out.
"And you!" The judge snapped.
"Seriously I don't mind if she takes my place," The juror said.
"A jury system is for a person to be tried by his or her peers!" The Judge snapped. "And unless there's a toaster going on trial a computer-generated hologram isn't one of them! This juror is dismissed! And I am going to dismiss everyone else while I am at it, because I am going to get a drink!"
"And as for the both of you gentlemen," The Judge looked at Krieger and Cyril. "Get help."
FLASHFORWARD!
"Oh right," Krieger remembered. "By the way I think Mitsuko got another jury duty summons so…"
"I did not want to know about that either," Mallory groaned.
"We weren't planning on telling you," Cyril sighed. "Anyway, the charges were dropped against us. Smart House is taking the vending machine to a lab somewhere to study it so…"
"Such a tragic tale to a heartbreaking romance!" Cheryl sniffed.
"I think Milton will survive," Ray pointed.
Milton had rolled over to a nearby laptop on a table. He made beeping sounds then popped out some toast with burned out heart shapes in them.
"He's moving on," Pam said. "Good for him!"
Cheryl laughed and pointed at Mallory and Lana. "Even Milton has a better love life than you two!"
"Oh God he does," Lana realized.
"God, I hate that stupid thing," Mallory groaned. "I should know better to not come into work. But I do…"