ONE

A Cup of Sugar

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Author's note:

This came about because I posted on tumblr that I hoped season 2 would just be the Disco on its way to Vulcan to pick up their new captain, only they keep getting side tracked so they never actually get them, so Saru has to stay Acting Captain. This is for discoveryfles who asked how many times they could possibly get side tracked, and for pippastrelle, who is already totally ready for Disco to be a sit-com.
Brace yourself for nods to other Trek series, old-fashioned sit-com-type nonsense, and my first Disco fanfic.

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Saru heard the rather petulant beep from the console across the bridge of the USS Discovery but did not give it much thought. Ambassador Sarek was standing right next to his command chair and he was just considering if, like himself, the Ambassador ever had to duck to get through human-sized doors.

"Incoming transmission," Bryce said.

Saru turned to preserve the illusion that he had been paying attention. "From whom?"

"I'm having trouble… identifying it. But it's a priority one distress call."

"Identify the source, please," Saru asked.

"I'm getting a Federation ID code - it's choppy," Bruce said, his fingers dancing over the surface of his console in a determined effort to glean more information from the odd signal. "Trying to clean it up, sir."

"Helm," Saru said, trying to keep the trepidation from his voice, "slow us down."

Lieutenant Detmar at the helm nodded. "Dropping us out of warp now, sir."

The star field in front of them slammed to a stop. Hardly a person flinched, but Saru felt quite clearly his threat ganglia gearing themselves up for a show-stopping performance. He cleared his throat and opened a channel to the apparently empty stars. "This is Captain Saru of the Federation starship Discovery. Please identify yourselves."

Silence.

Saru glanced over, unsurprised to see Commander Burnham frowning with disapproval. He shifted in his chair, just a little. "You requested assistance. We can provide this. Who are you?"

Silence.

He let his head cant to one side. Then he turned to look over at Bryce. "Can you find them? Do we have a visual?"

Bryce manipulated his console but shook his head. "No, sir."

"I've got them," Burnham announced.

Saru turned the other way in his chair. "Show us, please."

Burnham's fingers flew over her own controls. "I'm tracking a plasma leak, Captain, that's all. It's like the ship itself is cloaked."

Saru's neck stiffened. He straightened up just as threat ganglia began to shoot out from the back of his skull in determined spines of raging fear. "Shields, please. Now," he said crisply. "Bring the weapons online and be ready to use them."

"Aye sir," Lieutenant Owosekun said gratefully.

A tremendous jolt nearly pitched Ambassador Sarek from his feet. He grasped the edge of the nearest available console before he found out the hard way how immune Vulcan foreheads were to impact. Everyone else clutched at their work stations.

"We're being fired upon, Captain!" Burnham called over another boom and a shake.

"By whom? Where are they?" Saru demanded. "And where are our shields?"

"Shields are at eighty percent and falling!" Owosekun said urgently. "I don't know what they're firing but it's more powerful than anything we have!"

"Commander - track the plasma leak and launch a torpedo at it!" Saru ordered.

Burnham complied; they saw a streak of light and power shoot out from somewhere behind their own front screen. It darted out into space and collided with an invisible wall. The fallout was an impressive light-show of reds and yellows. A ripple effect followed; it revealed a dark metal hull of something before it shimmered again into invisibility.

"Target that explosion and fire!" Saru snapped.

Burnham again sent a torpedo. As the crew watched, the Discovery rocked with another impact.

"Shields at forty percent, sir," Owosekun said.

"Reverse course, Lieutenant Detmar," Saru said. "Back us up - we need to see who we're fighting." He looked up at Sarek. Another jolt to the ship, another wobble and crash somewhere from behind his chair. "Perhaps you should retire to a safer room, Ambassador."

"Indeed," Sarek managed, before turning and whisking out of door to the bridge.

The Discovery retreated, the viewscreen now taking in the sight of torpedo after torpedo slamming into an unseen force. The ripples overlapped in time, showing half of a ship, almost saucer-shaped.

"Any idea who that is?" Saru called.

"Sir, they're powering something else up - not weapons," Owosekun said. "It's drawing a lot of energy."

"Status of our shields?" he asked.

"Ten percent. We can survive maybe two more hits."

"Then take us about, Lieutenant Detmar - evasive manoeuvres," he urged.

"Sir," she replied.

The Discovery reeled; a shot went straight under a warp nacelle and off into empty space.

"Sir!" Bryce called. "Reports from deck six - we've been boarded!"

"A transporter," Burnham hissed. "Our shields were so low they sneaked on board while they kept us busy with the fight."

Saru jammed a thumb into the switch on the arm of his chair. "Security to deck six!" he demanded. "We have been boarded - find and contain our unwanted visitors!"

"Aye sir," came a reply.

He looked over at Burnham. "How many and where? Feed it through to the Security team and keep them apprised."

"Sir," she nodded. She read her console, tortured it for answers. "Looks like six humanoids - my guess is they're heading for the crew quarters."

"That's where the Ambassador will be headed—. Take a weapon and escort him," he said.

"Yes sir." She looked over at the Ensign by her station. "Take over." He nodded and fairly leapt out of his chair to take her place. She turned and hurried to the door and out.

The corridor rocked. She put her hand to the wall to keep herself upright. Shouts, weapons fire ahead - she gasped and broke into a run.

Pounding round the corner, panting in fear of what she might find - she screeched to a halt. "Tilly!"

Ensign Sylvia Tilly was brandishing a broken PADD in her right hand, her left held across Ambassador Sarek - who seemed rather non-plussed at the way she had shoved him against the corridor behind them.

"What did I just hit?" Tilly blurted.

Burnham looked at the humanoid on the floor. It was moaning and holding a hand to its temple.

"A Nausicaan," Sarek said calmly. "Theory: they are here to plunder the ship and kill anyone who attempts to stop them."

"Well he shot at us and I really wasn't in the mood," Tilly said, her face red. "Then he tried to shove me to get to Ambassador Sarek but I tripped him and smashed this over his head. —Where's his gun?"

Burnham shot forwards and her knee went into the Nausicaan's head. He keeled over but grunted at her, reaching blindly. She stamped on his hand and freed the weapon from his fingers. Bending to pick it up, she retreated to the wall. "Is everyone alright?" she asked, turning the small phase pistol on the Nausicaan.

"I am," Sarek said, with the barest hint of a smile, "and also indebted to Ensign Tilly for her quick actions."

"Oh, well, y'know, once you've been a vicious conqueror of entire star systems, the rest of life seems easy," she said weakly.

Burnham pulled her communicator from the back of her uniform trousers. "Captain Saru? It's Nausicaans. Tilly stopped one in the corridor; Ambassador Sarek is unharmed."

"Nausicaans! We must contain them all - continue to deck six and assist Security, Commander."

"Yes sir." She flipped it closed and looked at Tilly. "You're with me." She turned to Sarek. "Please - return to the bridge. They're all in front of us; you'll be safe if you go back the way you came."

"That may be true, but the more hands you have to help you the better. And I am not entirely helpless," he said.

Tilly opened her mouth, then closed it again as her face went bright red. "Oh - er—"

Sarek put a hand on her shoulder. "Offering help and protection does not imply the object of your offer cannot help or protect themselves, Ensign. It is merely a sign of compassion."

"Ok," she said quietly. "Uh - we should go, then." She looked down. "What do we do with him?"

"Hey," Burnham said, pushing a boot into his knee. "Do you understand me?"

"We will strip your ship of what we need and kill you all!" he grunted.

"You really won't," Tilly scoffed.

Burnham glanced at her and Tilly put a finger over her mouth in self reproach. Burnham reached down and grabbed at the man's lapel. "How many of you are there?"

"More than you."

"You lie," she said simply. "What do you want from us?"

"Everything!" he spat.

"Does this weapon have a stun setting?" she asked, letting him go.

"No - Nausicaans do not stun, fragile human!" he seethed.

"Ok that was rude," Tilly said. "And it absolutely does have a stun setting because it's marked on the side." She reached over and pushed at a small blue button by Burnham's hand on the grip. "There. Now it'll stun." Her eyes went back to the Nausicaan. "I mean, I think it will."

Burnham pointed it at the man's head. "Let's find out."

"Kill me! It won't change anything!" he hurled.

Burnham looked at Tilly. She nodded.

Burnham fired.

The man jumped as if kicked - and then relaxed.

Tilly bent down and poked at his cheek. "Yeah - he's just stunned."

"Good," Burnham grinned. "Let's go."

"There must be more this way," she said, turning and running off down the corridor. Burnham and Sarek exchanged a look before racing after her.

They went around one more bend before Tilly stopped them. Her hands went out as if for balance. "Do you hear that?" she asked. "It sounds like… fighting!" She went to the nearest door and opened it.

"Why won't - bang - you just - bang - stay - bang - down!"

The two humans jumped and even the Vulcan appeared wary as they crept in through the open door. Burnham took the lead, the phase pistol ready in front of her. Finding herself in the front room of someone's quarters, she aimed for the bend toward the private bedroom.

"Filthy human!" Smash!

"Ugly bag of mostly shit!" Crash!

Burnham rounded the corner. She gasped. She fired.

The Nausicaan hit the floor.

Lieutenant Paul Stamets, a cut over his eye and a chair raised over his head, simply panted in air as he stared down at the fallen alien. "And stay down!" he shouted in abject anger.

"Lieutenant!" Burnham snapped.

He staggered back a step and slowly, carefully, let the chair down to the carpet. "She surprised me," he said defensively. "Where did you get that?"

Burnham let the phase pistol fall to her side. "Discovery has been boarded - we reckon there are six Nausicaans on the ship. Tilly got one, you got another - they're heading deeper into crew quarters."

Stamets nodded, getting some breath back and pulling his uniform straight. "Of course they are," he breathed with lethargy. Then his face screwed up in patent confusion. "Wait, why?"

Two new heads appeared round the corner. "Ambassador Sarek thinks they're here to rob us and kill everyone," Tilly said cheerfully. "You ok? How's your head?"

"I'll be fine," he said, wiping a red dribble from his forehead irritably. "How did they get on board?"

"They reduced the ship's shield strength until they were able to beam over," Sarek said. "Are you sure you are quite well?"

"I'm fine, sir, thank you," Stamets said. "Just… needed to let off some steam."

"Hmm." Sarek turned to Burnham. "There are still four of them somewhere."

"Let's go," she nodded, turning and hurrying out.

Stamets watched them leave. Then he stepped over the fallen woman, grabbed her phase pistol, and chased after them.

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Saru got up and went to the comms console. "Commander Burnham, do you hear me?"

"Here, sir," came the reply.

"The Nausicaan ship has ceased fire. We believe it was automated to attack us while they beamed over."

"Captain - Lieutenant Stamets has subdued another Nausicaan - there should only be four left."

"Be careful, Commander - they are renowned for their brute strength and fighting skills," he nodded. "We have no shields to speak of and we cannot rule out the chance of another Nausicaan ship coming to try to share the spoils. Please make haste in apprehending the other four."

"Yes sir."

He leant back to inspect the comms officer. "Good work, Mister Bryce. Now please continue to scan for any sign of approaching vessels. Alert me as soon as you hear anything."

"Aye sir," he nodded.

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Lieutenant Airiam hummed a smooth, computed melody as she picked up a clean uniform and carried it to the array of empty hangars on her bed. As she passed the front door to her quarters it slid open and a dark shape leapt in.

Something grabbed her by the throat. "Find me the good stuff, robot girl!"

Her elbow came up. The assailant's grip weakened. She spun on the spot and her mostly metallic head smashed into her female attacker.

She cried out in paid and slapped one hand over her eye. Airiam backed up and judged distances. She whirled and flicked her boot out. It crashed into the woman's head and she went down faster than spaghetti from a tilted plate. Airiam watched her but she was definitely out for the count. She bent and picked up her fallen weapon, inspecting it for a moment before walking to the side table and picking up her communicator. She flipped it open.

"Captain? This is Lieutenant Airiam. I have an unconscious stranger in my quarters; is everything alright?"

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Burnham looked across the doorway at Tilly. She leant against the other side of the doorframe and nodded, still clutching her broken PADD.

Burnham pressed the button to the officer's mess. The door shot open.

A shot whizzed past her nose. She jerked back but fired blindly. Her subsequent commando roll was rudely interrupted by a cupboard - and then Tilly had crashed into the row of storage compartments next to her. They scrabbled to sit upright with their backs to the barrier that was now taking fire from the other side.

"Stop what you're doing and surrender!" Burnham called.

She saw the door open again. Her eyes widened; she spun and her hand came over the top of the cabinets, firing non-stop.

Stamets and Sarek made it inside under her covering fire. They took cover behind the cupboard on the other side of the room.

"Come out from there, human!" came a growl. "We're hungry!"

Stamets, crouching to be hidden by the cupboards, looked across the divide at Burnham. "Is he saying he wants to eat us?"

"Do you have a weapon?" Burnham called at him.

"Yes, but—"

"Then give me some covering fire so I can get closer!" she cried.

"I'm not good at shooting!" he grumped.

"You went through training at the academy, right?"

"I'm an astromycologist, not a MACO!" he shot back.

"The Federation has not had MACOs for nearly ninety years," Sarek put in mildly.

"Covering fire, Lieutenant, now!" Burnham called.

He huffed, muttered something under his breath, and then raised the weapon. But Sarek took it from him and motioned him out of the way. "I believe I can wound them without causing death," he said.

"Don't try too hard," Stamets muttered.

Sarek glanced at him but then began to aim round the side of the cabinet.

The second he did, Burnham was on her feet. She whipped over the top of the storage bin and fired indiscriminately as she headed for the nearest shooter. She heard a noise behind her but did not stop.

The next second she was ramming full speed into a mountain of a woman. They grappled and she lost her phase pistol. They cursed and struggled, tried to get a grip, lost footing - she was tossed upside down to land on a table on her back. Phasers kept firing around them as the Nausicaan woman reached for her neck. Burnham planted her feet against her and heaved.

She stumbled back to be hit by weapons fire. She sank to the floor. Burnham slithered off the table to a crouch. An almighty dong echoed round the room and it all went quiet.

Still crouched safely behind the cupboards, Stamets and Sarek shared a curious look. "What was that?" Stamets breathed.

Sarek kept the phase pistol in hand but dared to poke his head out. He found Burnham getting to her feet, feeling at her back, as she approached Tilly.

She had a giant, metal-bottomed frying pan in both hands. "Well there we are," she said cheerfully. "Three Nausicaans on the floor."

Burnham pulled out her communicator. "Captain? We have three more uninvited guests incapacitated in the mess hall. That leaves one."

"Commander Burnham," Saru replied. "Very well done. We have the other in custody - Lieutenant Airiam was good enough to find one for us."

Burnham sagged in relief. "Captain - request help from Security to take these three to the brig too."

"Security have been alerted and are on their way," Saru replied. "Perhaps once they have regained consciousness behind a secure force field we may then understand what all this was about."

"We can hope, Captain," she said. She flipped the communicator closed and stowed it in her uniform to appraise Tilly. "I think we'd all feel safer if I took that," she said with a smile, reaching out and retrieving the frying pan.

Tilly chuckled somewhat nervously. "Maybe. I think I need some shore leave."

"Don't we all," Stamets said guiltily, coming up to stop behind Burnham. He turned to see Sarek just behind him. "Thank you for the sharp shooting, Ambassador."

"It was necessary," he said, inclining his head before reversing the phase pistol and proffering it to Burnham. She took it gratefully and while they awaited Security, Tilly and Stamets collected up all the fallen weapons.

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Saru folded his arms in complete serenity, watching the two men and four women argue about something very important between them. He paced sedately, in a way that conveyed utter indifference to their apparent upset at having been imprisoned in the brig.

"Is one of you going to tell me why you went through this elaborate charade?" he asked.

One woman opened her mouth. The man next to her nudged her and she closed it again.

"Fine. Then we'll leave you here while we take a look at your ship. We've never seen a Nausicaan Raider up close. Your silence will be very beneficial to Starfleet."

He turned and walked out.

The murmurs began - and then the disagreements. The next moment a scuffle and then a fight had broken out. Six Nausicaans punched, grappled and tumbled as they dared each other to test them.

"Alright! Wow - ok, we know you can fight!"

They paused to look through the force field.

"Hi," waved Tilly. "I'm here to ask you a few questions, because the Captain's too busy and quite frankly, I think you need my help."

"Go take a walk outside, human!" the closest man spat.

"Back when we were in the officer's mess - you said you were hungry," she blurted.

Two of the woman let go of each other's necks and paid her more attention.

"See? I knew it," Tilly smiled. "You came here to raid the kitchens, right? Ship's stores? You're not here to kill anyone. I mean, yeah, you could have done, but you left one guy with a broken nose on deck six and you pretty much barrelled through everyone else you met. You keep saying you'll kill people, but only one of your guns was even on a damaging setting."

"You dare challenge me!" a male shouted. He ran at the force field.

Tilly jumped back but she needn't have bothered; the force field simply bounced him off like a child on a trampoline. He was hurled back and into his shipmates before he could blink.

"So… you're not hungry?" she asked. "Because… we're Starfleet. We would have helped you if you'd just asked."

Two of them exchanged a glance, clearly confused.

Tilly sighed. "Right, so instead of all this shooting and fighting and hurting people, you could have just called us and said something like, 'hi, sorry to bother you but we're starving and we have this long story why we can't just buy or grow food but if you could like feed us we'll tell you all about it and maybe you can think of a way to help us sustain our eating habit'." She stopped with a wide smile.

"Nausicaans don't ask permission," one woman spat. "We take."

"And that's why you're in the brig and I'm out here," Tilly sighed. "When was the last time you ate anything?"

"What business is it of yours?" a man snapped.

"Well what if I just gave you some free food, and then you all calmed down." She put her hands up. "You're all a bit 'hangry', if you ask me. Don't worry, I get it - I'm the same when I'm on a shift for like eight hours and didn't have time to eat…before… I… You're all staring at me." She paused. "Oh. Yeah, so free food for everyone?"

The six Nausicaans punched the air and howled in victory.

Tilly nodded and turned away. "Free food for everyone. And then we put you back on your ship and you go anywhere but here."

She heard a beep and pulled her communicator free. "Ensign Tilly here."

"Ensign," Saru said. "Have you learnt anything?"

"Yes Captain," she said. "It's the strangest thing; they didn't really want to kill anyone. They just wanted to borrow a cup of sugar."

"A what?"

"No - I meant—. Uh, Captain - if we feed them they'll calm right down and then I think we can all talk."

"Ah. In that case you shall be in charge of the menu this afternoon, Ensign. And then we shall see about sending them back to their government, such as it is."

"Sir?"

"We have been informed by the closest Federation outpost that the six Nausicaans we have in custody are wanted people," Saru said. "We will have to make a detour to hand them over."

"But we were on our way to Vulcan, sir."

"I am aware, Ensign. However this must take priority. I'm sure Ambassador Sarek will understand - and it will only take us a few days."

"Yes Captain." She closed the communicator. Then she sighed and looked over her shoulder at the grinning people. "So… barbecue ribs all round, I'm thinking."

And she walked out of the brig to head for the mess hall.

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Thanks for reading! I'll keep adding one-shots here until I run dry. :)