Ok this is my first, and last, attempt at a parody. It originated from Please Insert Name as she challenged me, and I challenged her, to come up with a story that would parody over used, faulty story lines from fan fictions concerning our favourite CM characters. She's written one about Hotch and Prentiss called 'Karma Versus Aaron Hotchner' if you want to read it. This stemmed from the amount of drug fics about Reid where the timing seemed far too conveniant, or things just seemed too, well, absurd or cliched. I apologise for any grammer and or spelling mistakes, my beta changed it to past tense at last minute, and it's meant to be bad anyway :/.
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing, Criminal Minds does not belong to me and I am super happy that Padget Brewster and AJ Cook are coming back :D. Also I apologise if some of you write Reid drugfics, I do too and I am a complete sucker for those stories, however this is just a parody of some of the more horific ones I've come across. Review and you get cookies. :D
They're standing in the conference room, waiting. They've been called on a case, at three in the morning it's an event that Derek Morgan is happy doesn't occur often. They should have left thirty minutes ago for Seattle, Washington, however they were all waiting, sleepy eyed, for Dr Spencer Reid to arrive. "Do you know if he has a car?" asked Hotch, knowing Reid usually uses public transport.
"I don't think he does, but he doesn't live that far away from the headquarters," replied Morgan worriedly. "I'll try calling him again," Morgan dials Reid's number, but no one answers.
"Maybe his phone's uncharged," suggested JJ. Hotch sighed wearily, he needed Reid on this cause, hell he needed all of them on the case.
"Morgan drive down to Reid's apartment and get him over here," ordered Hotch. Morgan nods and heads for the elevator, he notices Prentiss following him.
"Why are you coming?"
"Reid's a danger magnet, not that I think something's happened, but I want to be sure he hasn't been kidnapped, or held hostage, or infected with anthrax again, or developing Schizophrenia, or on drugs, or depressed, or being held hostage by a delusional unsub who feels the urge to brutally rape him, or-"
"I get the idea Prentiss!"
"Okay, just making sure."
The drive was short and silent, they got out of the car quickly and climbed the stairs to Reid's apartment. When they got there they found that the door was open putting both agents on alert. They glanced around when they walked into the apartment, the building seemed ridiculously neat. "Wow look at all those books," said Morgan in awe.
"What did you expect, it's Reid," snorts Prentiss.
"Yeah but if you have an eidetic memory why waste time buying tons of books?" asked Morgan, frowning as he scanned the shelves.
"Sometimes it's good to have the thing in front of you to read, even if you know what happens" Morgan shrugged in response.
They searched the bedroom and kitchen to find them empty of Reid's presence. The bathroom door they find is locked. "I know we think something really bad has happened to him, but what if he's just on the toilet? Or in the shower?" asked Prentiss, not wanting to find a naked Reid on the other side of the door.
"It's fan fiction, Reid would never just be in the shower or on the toilet it's too undramatic and expected, it needs to be something unexpected like taking drugs,"
"Or being sexually assulted by an unsub,"
"Exactly! Besides who showers at three am? He must be in danger," replied Morgan calmly.
"That sounds completely believable," exclaimed Prentiss happily.
"Reid, open the door!"
There was no answer.
"Reid!" Morgan shouted louder, but still no response. "Do you think if he was in the shower he would have heard that?"
"Probably, I mean he isn't singing the Spice Girls," Prentiss muttered. This was good enough for Morgan who proceeded to kick the door down. The lock gave way and the bathroom door opened. Reid was sitting, with his back against the wall, a needle stuck in his arm.
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Prentiss.
"Reid, can you hear me?" asked Morgan, before running forward and crouching in front of him. Reid never replied, he shook him a little and Reid flopped about lifelessly in his arms. "Reid? Prentiss call an ambulance!"
"What do you I've been trying to do?" she asked, scorn effectively covering the hysterical panic bubbling inside her chest, "Hello, ambulance please. My name is Emily Prentiss, my friend's overdosed. No, I do not want rate your effectiveness I want an ambulance!"
"Prentiss," called Morgan, panic lacing the word.
"I know, I know," she snapped and hung up.
"How could we not have seen this?" asked Morgan, at a loss, staring at the tiny needles marks in his friend's arm. True Reid had been withdrawn and snappish for the past few months, but they all assumed it was because they'd cancelled Star Trek: Enterprise, and now Stargate Universe. I can tell you now this very much annoys the author.
The ambulance arrived quickly, as ambulances generally do, and Reid was taken to hospital while Prentiss informed the team. Morgan had went along with Reid, seeing him being treated like an average junkie annoyed him to no end. He stared at Reid's pale face and wondered how, why they hadn't noticed anything? Why didn't he listen to Garcia moaning about the cancelling of Star Trek? He sat back in the ambulance his head filled with anguish and spaceships.
It was three in the morning, and Spencer has just woken up from another Tobias related nightmare. He wandered about his flat in a daze, unsure of what to make of the anguish circling in his tortured noggin. The dream was like the many he had been having in the past few months. Charles had him tied to the chair in the cabin and on the computer screens Star Trek and Stargate played, then half way through the episode they'd be switched off and Reid was told he would never get to see how it ended. This filled him with fear, did Eli's plan work? Did they make it back to earth? How did Rush go back in time? Was Telford really a good guy? Or does the author just want to believe he isn't? Tobias would then inject him with dilauded, then Charles would force him to dig his own grave. He usually woke up screaming, believing he was in a coffin.
The pressure builds and suddenly Reid can't take it anymore. He walks to the bathroom to retrieve the dilauded and pristine needle from the back of his medicine cabin. Despite being clean for almost a year and being an addict, he had managed to keep the dilauded in his apartment, even during detox, and not used, until a few weeks ago. As although he is a genius, with a brilliant job, brilliant friends who support him and an overall pretty good life - even if the social part is lacking, Spencer doesn't care anymore. The torture of cancelled Sci Fi shows was too much for him to bear, of course along with the anguish of having been kidnapped, like, three years ago.
He used his belt as a tourniquet and slapped his arm until the veins appear. He filled in the needle with dilauded and checked for air bubbles. He glanced at his watch - unbeknownst to him conveniently timed at three thirty - and injected the dilauded. He knew that no one would disturb him, who would come to his house at three thirty at night? They had never had a case this late before and to start now would just be an incredibly painful sense of irony on the author's part.
He leaned back, the high hitting him with a full force. It was oddly stronger than usual, utterly beautiful but completely overwhelming. It was better than a cup of coffee, better than a Star Trek marathon, in fact better than the both combined and you really can't get any better than that, unless of course you have a coffee machine at home and the box set of Stargate.
But Spencer was too jaded to worry about how this could damage him, Charles still haunted him, Sci Fi shows were still being cancelled. And even though he had no other reason bad enough to relapse into drug use, he decided his TV life, or lack of it, had just gotten too much.