'Kathryn!'
It was the first thought to come to his mind when the explosion went off. Before he could even think it through he ran to her side.
'…not safe,' she managed to get out.
'I don't care,' he replied.
Her eyes met his and he knew she understood. There was no way he was going to leave her side at that moment, no matter the risk. He could see and hear the phasers going off around them, but his eyes searched the room for a safe escape.
There wasn't one.
'Leave me,' she whispered.
'No,' he replied, lifting her up into his arms.
'It's an order,' she continued.
'Then you can court martial me later.'
He carried her out of the battle. He didn't put her down. He couldn't. He was afraid if she felt him let go then she would think he was gone and he couldn't have that.
'Don't move.'
He turned to find more than a few guards with weapons pointed straight at him.
'Chakotay.'
'I'm here.'
He glanced down at her. Her head was in his lap as he sat against the wall of their cell. She had fallen unconscious somewhere around an hour earlier, and he had stayed alert, monitoring her breathing, her heartrate, making sure she didn't get worse.
He had used part of his jacket to wrap her wounds, he didn't need it anyway, it was hot on the planet.
Sluggishly her hand searched for his, finding it a moment later. She squeezed it lightly.
He squeezed hers back with equal strength, not wanting to hurt her.
Her eyes looked up at him and he could see how much pain she was in. He wanted to help her, to fix it in some way, but there was nothing he could do until the others rescued them.
If they rescued them.
He glanced at B'Elanna who was standing angrily at the front of the cell, abusing any guard who came their way. She was watching them, concerned but he could also see the curiosity in her eyes.
He couldn't be bothered denying anything at that point.
Kathryn didn't seem aware that B'Elanna was even there.
He used his other hand to brush her hair away from her eyes, so he could see them better.
'You should have left me,' she muttered, almost sounding angry.
'I could never leave you,' he replied honestly.
'Stubborn.'
She coughed.
'Go back to sleep,' he whispered.
She turned her face into his torso, the closest she could get to him at that moment. He felt his heart scrunch up in his chest. He had never been so concerned for anyone's safety in his life. He would give anything for her to be okay, seeing her like this, weak, actually wanting for affection, it worried him.
He had never before wanted so much for her to let go of his hand and sit up.
'You need sleep.'
B'Elanna had seemingly taken over being charge, despite being the least senior of the three officers locked up.
He looked at her, knowing his eyes would give away exactly how exhausted he was.
'I can't,' he replied.
'I'll watch her,' B'Elanna responded.
'You'll wake me if anything is even a little bit off,' he ordered.
'Sleep, Chakotay, or I'll knock you out.'
He smiled slightly. 'Pass me your jacket.'
She took it off and passed it to him. Wrapping it around what remained of his he slowly lifted Kathryn's head, placing the jackets under it as he moved away from her. He carefully lay down next to her, his head leaning on the hard ground.
His comfort wasn't important.
He never let go of her hand as he turned to face his Captain.
She was pale, even for her, and that worried him. He moved their hands so that they sat between their faces, that way he could feel her breath lightly against his skin.
He hoped she wouldn't wake before he did, if she realised B'Elanna was there he knew she would panic. When it was the two of them alone she was happy to blur the lines, he wasn't sure how she convinced herself that was okay. But the moment anyone else was present it was strictly business.
He didn't care if the world knew he loved her, but obviously she did.
That hurt him every day.
But at that moment he'd let her live that way for their rest of their lives if it meant she was alive and well.
He let his eyes close, concentrating on her breathing.
He didn't think he'd sleep but it was less than a minute until he was out.
'Chakotay.'
He awoke to B'Elanna shaking his shoulder lightly. It didn't take much, he was alert and awake in moments.
'What's wrong?' he asked, glancing at Kathryn.
'Her breathing changed,' B'Elanna was concerned. 'I'm not sure exactly how but it seemed shallower, more forced.'
He sat up slightly and listened. Yes, she was right. He shook her shoulder lightly. Maybe she was just asleep.
Her eyes opened very slowly.
'Chakotay?' she whispered.
'Kathryn, how are you feeling?'
She didn't reply, her eyes closing again.
Panic started to rise inside him.
'Kathryn.'
Her eyes flung open.
'You're still here,' she muttered.
'I would never leave you,' he squeezed her hand. 'You need to stay awake.'
'I don't think I can.'
His insides constricted as she spoke. They had to find a way out of there and quickly.
He glanced at B'Elanna. He didn't even have to say a word. She stood up and walked back to the gate, searching for a mechanism, something that would help them escape.
He let his eyes fall back to Kathryn. She was weak, pale, barely alert and yet she still held a presence in the cell like she was the most important thing in the room. Or perhaps he was unable to view her in any other way.
'Chakotay?'
'Yes,' he replied, reaching out with his hand to touch her face lightly.
She reached up to touch his hand against her face and almost smiled. Then as quickly as it appeared, the almost smile faded.
'I'm sorry,' she whispered.
'There's no need to be sorry,' he replied instantly.
He had to stay strong, then she would stay strong. That was how this worked right?
'Yes there is,' she coughed again.
'Don't talk,' he spoke quietly, rubbing her cheek with his thumb.
A single tear formed in her eye and he felt his heartbreaking. She wasn't the one who was meant to be crying, she was always the one who was strong.
'I'm sorry because I never let you in,' she continued.
'Stop it, Kathryn. We'll discuss this once we're back on Voyager…'
She shook her head slightly. 'Damnit Chakotay, stop interrupting me.'
He fell silent and she took his hand, wrapping her fingers through it and lowering it so she could kiss it lightly. Her lips were dry and cracked but somehow she still managed to make the kiss feel soft against his hand.
'Only if you promise me we'll have this conversation again one day,' he replied.
'I was scared,' she admitted. 'But right now it's my only regret.'
'You let me in, you just won't admit it,' he smiled, pulling her hand towards him and taking his turn to kiss it lightly.
'I love you,' she whispered.
His eyes shot up from their intertwined hands to meet hers. He wanted to accuse her of being out of it, of not knowing what she was saying, but it was the clearest he'd seen her since the explosion.
'Then survive for me,' he whispered in response. 'Because damnit Kathryn, I need you. I can't survive a trip back to the Alpha Quadrant without you leading us.'
Her eyes started to close and he sat up, shaking her.
'Kathryn.'
A loud explosion rocked the prison, but his attention was entirely on her. The panic grew stronger by the minute and he needed her to open her eyes, to breathe properly.
'B'Elanna! Chakotay!'
He didn't register the voices, he couldn't see who they belonged to as the tears filled his eyes. He held her close to him and look around.
'Help!'
He couldn't see who came to their side but a moment later they were being beamed on-board.
He looked across at her. The Doctor assured him she would be fine but he needed to know. He should've been on the bridge, commanding, being in charge, but he had told Tuvok to take over.
He wasn't going to leave her side until she was conscious again.
They weren't in any immediate danger, they didn't need him.
She did.
He hadn't let go of her hand for hours, sitting directly by her side as the Doctor buzzed around the sick bay.
He looked up as another person entered. B'Elanna.
'How is she?' she asked.
'She'll be okay,' Chakotay smiled as he said it.
It felt good to say those words.
'Don't worry, I'll pretend I didn't hear a thing,' B'Elanna smiled as she crossed her arms.
'Thank you,' Chakotay replied.
'But you should probably say it back,' she commented.
He looked at her, ready to tell her off, but instead only seeing the friendly look of someone he had known for many years. He nodded slowly.
'I wasn't going to give her a chance to let go,' he responded, smiling and looking away from his friend.
B'Elanna laughed quietly. 'Let me know when she's okay.'
She placed a hand lightly on his shoulder as she left, squeezing it.
And then he was alone with Kathryn again.
The Doctor was around but not in his direct sight.
'I hope someone is in charge of the bridge,' she muttered quietly.
A smile spread across her lips as she opened her eyes and turned to look at him.
'Kathryn,' he breathed, pulling his chair closer to her bed.
He reached up and clasped her other hand with his, a blur crossing his eyes as he did so. Damnit, was he about to cry?
As he blinked the damp out his eyes he noticed hers were equally damp and he broke out in a smile.
'And I think I owe you a court martial,' she coughed as she spoke.
'I look forward to it,' he laughed and kissed her hand lightly.
'Commander…'
He looked up at her and shook her head. 'Kathryn, I'm not here as your First Officer…'
She didn't respond straight away, narrowing her eyes at him, searching his expression for something. He wasn't sure what she found, but her eyes suddenly shot open and she pulled her hand away from him suddenly.
'Chakotay,' she said seriously, although a smile still held on her face. 'I think it's probably best you get the Doctor to check me over and you return to the bridge for the remainder of your shift.'
He wanted to fight her, refuse to leave, but he knew she probably needed a moment to herself.
'Yes, ma'am,' he agreed, standing up and heading out.
He sent the Doctor her way as he did, but suddenly felt deeply embarrassed at the way she had so quickly pulled away from him.
Maybe he had misread the situation.
Maybe she had just said it to make him feel better, thinking she was about to die.
'Chakotay.'
For a moment he thought the harsh, female voice calling his name was Kathryn, but when he looked up he saw B'Elanna staring down at him.
He didn't remember calling her into the Ready Room, and he suspected she had just barged in uninvited.
'Yes?' he asked, leaning back in his chair.
'Why are you moping? The Captain is fine.'
She took a seat without asking for his permission.
'B'Elanna…'
'Tell me, Chakotay, or I'll ask her,' B'Elanna crossed her arms.
He considered for a moment. B'Elanna was probably his oldest and closest friend on board. If he was going to discuss the situation with anyone, she seemed like a good option.
He sighed.
'Do you think she meant it?' he asked.
B'Elanna looked surprised. 'That's what you're worried about? Chakotay, Kathryn Janeway doesn't just tell people she loves them for no reason.'
'What if she just did it because she knows…'
He stopped.
He knew B'Elanna had once had some kind of crush on him and he wasn't sure if this conversation was really the best of ideas.
'That you love her?' B'Elanna finished. 'Well, the entire ship knows that, but she wouldn't say it if she didn't mean it. I heard her, Chakotay. Kathryn Janeway loves you. So go tell her you feel the same. It's probably why she's panicking.'
He smiled and shook his head slightly.
'Lieutenant, that's enough for today,' he said, still smiling. 'You're dismissed.'
The moment the doors shut he let out a sigh.
He was going to have to do this.
He entered her quarters, dinner in hand and smile as he saw her curled up in her chair, reading.
He was so glad she was okay, even if the Doctor had demanded she took the next week off work.
'I brought you some food,' he said quietly, placing the tray down next to her.
She looked up at him and smiled, putting away her PADD before sitting up straight and eyeing the food.
'Looks delicious! Much better than what Neelix brought me an hour ago,' she muttered. 'Lucky for you I threw that out.'
'I figured you might.'
He had known it was exactly what would happened from the moment he heard Neelix telling Paris what he was planning to surprise the Captain with for dinner to welcome her back.
Slowly he took a seat opposite her, watching as she took a bite of a potato and smiled.
'Kathryn…' he said quietly.
Her eyes shot up to meet his, knowing he was about to say something important, but not interrupting him. And he knew, although she hadn't been earlier, she was ready to have this conversation now.
'You said something when you thought you were dying,' he said slowly, waiting for a reaction.
She gave none, not even a twitch of her facial expression, so he opened his mouth to continue and as he did she cut him off –
'I know, I shouldn't have said it,' she said quietly.
Her eyes were glued to his and he suddenly found her couldn't look away, although he also couldn't read her.
It stung, the words. Although it was was clear now that she had meant them, she was also making it clear that she shouldn't have said it.
And perhaps that's what he had been actually afraid of.
'But…' she paused again, taking a deep breath. 'I'm glad I did. Even if it's stupid, even if you don't feel the same…'
Now it was his turn to be surprised.
If he didn't feel the same?
Surely she knew. Surely she had understood…
Except while she was dying in his arms, he hadn't said it.
He learned forward and took her hands in his, rubbing his thumbs lightly over her skin.
'Kathryn,' he hesitated, looking up at her to make sure he had her attention. 'I love you too, but there was no chance I was going to let you say your goodbyes and die in my arms.'
She smiled, as though her whole heart was suddenly present on her face.
'And I knew you weren't going to die,' he finished. 'I wasn't going to let that happen.'
'Stay,' she said quietly. 'Tonight. I want you here.'
He smiled, squeezing her hands tightly. 'I wouldn't have it any other way.'
And then she did something he hadn't quite expected. She leaned back in her chair, picked up her PADD and kept reading, keeping hold of just one of his hands.
He sat and watched her as she read and picked at her dinner, entirely happy to spend this time with her in complete silence.
And that night he slept by her side, still clothed entirely in his Starfleet uniform, his lips pressed lightly against her forehead.
He wasn't sure what was going to happen the next day, but he was ready to find out.