Alice could never know what happened to me fully. I promised myself this early on. For whatever reason. She didn't need this baggage. As much as she did not need me. Really and truthfully. I thought about the argument and I thought about how the rest of today's events would proceed. In a few minutes Alice and I would be walking down the aisle for Edward and Bella's wedding, and we were in such dispute at the moment I worried about others being able to sense my tension and Alice's distress. I reminded myself I would send calm as soon as we came to the entrance to the aisle.
I..We would not let our problems however big or small ruin Bella and Edwards day. I almost could not bring myself though..To change Alice's emotions. I did not want the fury in her to come back afterward. All of a sudden and sneak up on me. This had happened before, but only once. I have the strangest feeling though. Today was going to be worse then that day. Today was the day I was telling her I was leaving her. I have to. I had made up my mind.
I know that what comes next is not going to be the happy ending I promised Alice, but I also know that the happy ending we wanted for ourselves has slowly become a secret living hell. This will be for the best. I would leave tonight and she would find my note tomorrow morning. It's not going to be easy, but I should have known in the beginning my need for freedom would be a barrier. I wanted our life. This life to be different. Who's to say things won't workout. For now though there's going to have to be a change. This change.
I stood calm (as always) my predictability a thumping bore I could see from the expression in Alice's cold facial expression. We stood. At the end of the aisle. Ready to walk down it again. This time not in perfect unison, but tolerated theatrics. This was for Edward and Bella.
Tomorrow would be for both of us. A fresh start. Until we figure out on our own (separate) from each other what we need to do to make life good again.
The wedding was perfect. Even through our ssheer avoidance of each other. The wedding was perfect. The sunset and the dancing under the stars began. I knew in a few more hours this show would be over with. I could not wait. I was happy. Thrilled for my brother and my new sister. I was hiding my misery though. I had been for sometime. There comes a point in time where you can no longer try to make everyone happy. The time in your life when you have to do something for yourself out of exhaustion of doing so many things unnoticed for others. I undid my tie and loosened my tux shirt from my pants. Alice walked away the same time I did, but on the other side of the garden. In the opposite direction. I realized at that point this was all too real. This was going to happen. Or we were going to walk away from each other forever and never come back. At this point I did not know if that was what I wanted or what she wanted for that matter. I went to the garage and prepared my motorcycle. After I went upstairs to pack. Alice was already asleep. She always slept like a baby. I watched her and tried to feel a spark of what I felt and wondered where it was hiding anyway. This made me sad. Not sad for either of us. Sad that things were so perfect and now. There was practically nothing left in either of us for each other. I quickly packed and decided to leave that night.
Where I was going I had no clue. It felt good to be free. For how long or how permanent I had no idea. I did know though, that this was a fresh start to a path to reconciliation or to a new beginning on my own. I had a feeling though. It was the later.