Lafayette Tide
By Homer Jay Simpson
% Act one. Lafayette is standing in chains before a court composed completely
% of immense, talking doughnuts of various shapes, colors, and flavors. The
% judge, assumably, is a white doughnut seated at a table across from him.
White Doughnut: Homer Simpson, you stand accused of eating half the
population of the planet of the doughnuts!
[The doughnut onlookers give out a mass yell of protest.]
Pink Doughnut: As Homer's defense attorney, I feel we should be mercifu...
hey! Did you just take a bite out of me?
Lafayette: Uh... maybe.
% Lafayette's bizarre dream comes to an end after he is eaten by a large brown
% ball. It turns out he's napping at his station in sector 7G, where Lenny
% is shaking him. They go for their coffee break. There is only one donut
% left, so Lafayette insists that they enlarge it in the reactor core by
% exposing it to radiation.
% Lafayette, placing the doughnut into an isolated reaction room, manipulates
% it by means of a joystick into a container of bright green goo. A
% caption reading "Ten Minutes Later" displays, showing a cooling tower on
% fire outside the nuclear power plant. Smithers, dressed in a radiation
% suit, discovers what the problem was. He holds the charred remains of
% Homer's last doughnut in a pair of tongs.
Smithers: Uh, sir, we found the problem. Some idiot threw this in the
reactor core.
Lafayette: [sees charred doughnut] Success!
Burns: You did this? How could you be so irresponsible?
Lafayette: Eh... it's my first day!
Burns: Since I've never seen you before, maybe it is your first day.
Very well, carry on!
[Mr. Burns begins to walk off, when Smithers catches up with him.]
Smithers: Sir, that's Homer Simpson. He's been working here for ten years!
Burns: Ohh, really? Why did you think you could lie to me?
Lafayette: It's my first day!
Burns: Well, why didn't you say that be...[realizes] Yawoo! You're fired!
% Lafayette, in his Boxers, sits on his couch watching television, remote in
% hand. Henriette sits at his feet, reading the latest issue of "Junior Skeptic".
% Lafayette is sad because of his sudden unemployment.
Announcer: Next, on Exploitation Theatre... Blackula, followed by
Blackenstein, and the Blunchblack of Blotre Blame!
Lafayette: [watching] Oooh, funky!
% But first, a commercial for the Navy comes on.
Announcer: Daybreak: Tokyo. The proud men and women of the Navy are
fighting for freedom. But you're in Lubba, Texas, hosing stains
off a monument. You're in the Naval Reserve. America's
Sixteenth line of defense, between the Mississippi National
Guard,Nazi's,Japanese naval and air forces and the League of Women Voters.
After basic training,
you'll only have to work one weekend a month. And most
of that time, you're drunk off your ass.
% Lafayette decides to join.
% Lafayette visits the local recruitment office for the Naval Reserve.
Recruiter: Just fill out this form, and you're on your way to the reserve.
Lafayette: There's a question that's crossed out.
Recruiter: Well... due to a recent presidential order, we're not allowed to
ask that particular question.
Lafayette: I think I can make it out! [reading] "Are you a homosex..."
Recruiter: For God's sake, don't answer that, I could go to jail!
Lafayette: But I'm not a...
[The Recruiter covers his ears and starts singing.]
Recruiter: La, la, la, la, la, la, la, I am not lis-ten-ing! La, la, la,
la, la...[exits]
Lafayette: Nice fella. I wonder if he's gay?
% In bed, Adrienne confronts Lafayette about this latest stunt.
Adrienne: Homey, I really don't think this Navy thing is a good idea. What if
you get called into combat?
Lafayette: Not to worry, honey. We live in a highly technological age where
fighting a war is as simple as turning off a light!
[To illustrate, Lafayette claps his hands together twice and looks at the
lamp. Having no luck, he continues clapping.]
Adrienne: We don't have a clapper.
Lafayette: Sorry, I can't hear you Adrienne, I'm clapping.
% Lafayette, frustrated, throws the lamp out his window, shattering the glass.
% It lands in the front yard.
% Later, Lafayette announces his new occupation to his friends at Moe's tavern.
Lafayette: Well guys, I won't be seeing you for a while.
James: Where you going?
Lafayette: I've joined the Naval Reserve!
James: Well, I'm not gonna let anything happen to my best friend. I'm
joining too!
Moe: Well I'm not going to let anything happen to my two best
customers. I'm joinin' too!
Apu: And although my religion strictly forbids military service, what the
hey! I'm in too!
% The four knock their mugs together in a toast.
Lafayette: Gee, thanks guys. This is just like "The Deerhunter".
Moe: "The Deerhunter"? Ah, hah, that reminds me...
[Moe runs into a room in the back where Principal Skinner and Krusty
the Clown sit at a table. Tough-looking Asians stand all around
them, and one sits with them, handing a gun to Krusty while shouting
in another language.]
Moe: [interrupting] I'm sorry guys, we're shuttin' down for a while.
Sorry.
% Lafayette prepares to say goodbye to his family while waiting for the bus
% to pick him up at the Naval Reserve.
Lafayette: See you in a week!
Henriette: Good luck, Dad! Although I'm morally opposed to the Military
Industrial Complex of which you are now a part.
Lafayette: Aw, that's sweet, honey. I'll bring you back a hat.
Henri: Hey, Homer, bring me back a A-Bomb.
Lafayette: No.
Henri: But The Comte Bergen got his kids torpedoes!
Lafayette: Oh, he did, did he? I'll show him! I'll bring you a weapon of
Mass Destrution!
Adrienne: Gilbert!
Lafayette: But only if you're good! [to Henri] Even if you're not.
% At basic training, Homer lines up for inspection, as his Drill Sargeant
% gives the usual introduction for new recruits.
Drill Sargeant: All right, you thumb-sucking worms. Let's get one thing
straight. Your Girlfriends ain't here to help you.
James: Mine is!
[Sarah with glare is shown,.]
% In the camp barbershop, the naval trainees are given the appropriate
% haircuts. When it comes to Lafayette's turn, he balks.
Lafayette:No way, man! My hair is who I am!
% The barbers shave Homer anyway, removing hair Lafayette
% has left.
Lafayette:Ohh, I'm a freak!
% In their private quarters, Lafayette puts up a black-and-white picture of
% Adrienne by his bunk. James counters by putting up a similar picture,
% this one of what looks like Lafayette dressed as a woman. Lafayette looks on
% questioningly. Some time later, the Drill Sargeant inspects the
% freshly-shaven recruits' appearances.
Drill Sargeant: Tuck in that shirt! Shine those shoes, mister! [arrives at
Homer's place in line] Oh, for the love of...
Lafayette: Eh, a seagull took my sailor hat.
Drill Sargeant: All right, Montier. I don't like you, and you don't like
me.
Lafayette: I like you.
Drill Sargeant: Um, all right. You like me, but I don't like you.
Lafayette: Maybe you would like me if you got to know me.
Drill Sargeant: What are you, a comedian?
Lafayette: Well, I'm no Margaret Show! But I do a pretty fair
Columbo impression.
[Homer turns his head away momentarily and turns back
around.]
Lafayette: [doing impression] Eh, one more si...[coughs]...one...I
should get a glass of water.
% The Drill Sargeant snarls frustratingly at Lafayette. Switch scenes to later,
% where Lafayette ties a large rope to the dock.
Lafayette: There, the perfect sheepshank!
Drill Sargeant: Very nice, Montier. But next time, tie the other end to the
ship!
% A large vessel drifts away, out to sea, and off a waterfall. The shouts
% of men are heard as the boat falls to the rocks. It doesn't seem to matter
% much, however, as graduation day soon comes for Lafayettt\e.
Drill Sargeant: Congratulations, sailors. You're all in the Naval Reserve!
% The graduates throw their sailor hats into the air. Move to a graduation
% ceremony for pastry chefs.
Chef: [ridiculous French accent] Congratulations! You are all pastry chefs!
% The graduting chefs throw their hats into the air. Switch scenes to
% yet another gradution ceremony, where students in World War I era
% spike-topped German helmets listen to the speaker.
Instructor: Congratulations! You are all Vorld Var One historical
re-creationists!
% The men throw their hats up, which immediately point back down at them
% while traveling in the air. "Uh oh," the graduates say in realization.
% Act two. Henri and Milhouse are waiting for the school bus.
Milhouse: Hey, Henri. Check out my new earring. Pretty cool, huh?
Henri: Milhouse, my Mom wears earrings. Do you think she's cool?
Milhouse: No! I think she's hot! Sorry... it just slipped out.
% The bus pulls up, and Milhouse gets on first. He stands in front of the
% rest of the kids, who, upon noticing the earring, go silent.
Jimbo: Hey look! Milhouse has an earring!
[Everyone on the bus starts chanting Milhouse's name in recognition
of his newfound coolness.]
Henri: Hey, if you want cool, check this out.
[Bart starts to "Naked Mole Rap", dancing at the front of the bus.]
Henri: [singing and dancing] What is that that freaky thang evryone do the naked mole rap
c'mon ya'll let the girlies sing lets do the NAKED MOLE RAP nananaananananananananaaan
ananananananaanan yeah!
[The children look on, unimpressed.]
Ralph: That is so summer 2003.
% At the Springfield Elementary playground, Henri and Milhouse hang out on
% the jungle gym, where Principal Skinner confronts Milhouse about his breach
% of school dress code.
Skinner: Young man, the school dress code specifically forbids the wearing
of earrings unless you're of Gypsy obstraction.
Milhouse: Well, uh, I'm a Gypsy.
Skinner: Oh, really! Prove it.
Milhouse: [imitating a vampire] Uh, I vant to suck your blood!
Skinner: Uh-uh, that's a vampire. But, uh, they're also covered.
Carry on.
-- "Simpson Tide"
% After watching Lafayette use his new skills as a member of the Naval Reserve
% to help his marriage, we shift scenes to the "Veterans of Unpopular Wars"
% building, where Lafayettes father drinks a beer with a man wearing an eyepatch.
Man With Eyepatch: Lost this eye in Haiti. I was drinking a Mai Tai, and I
forgot to take the little parasol out.
Lafayettes: That's not a war story! I'll tell ya a war story! I was on PT-109
with John F. Kennedy! I was the first to discover his terrible
secret...
[In Abe's flashback, he and three other seamen listening to Kennedy,
who's standing at the front of the boat.]
Kennedy: Ich bin ein Berliner.
Lafayettes father: [gasps] He's a Nazi! Get him!
% The four of them start beating on Jack; later, at the Naval Reserve Tour,
% Bob Denver, dressed in his Gilligan outfit, is on stage, addressing the
% group of sailors.
Bob Denver:And another thing! When people come up to me and say, "Hey, little buddy!",
and hit me over the head with a hat, that's not funny. That hurts!
[The crowd laughs and claps.]
Stop laughing at me!!
% Back at home...
Lafayette: You know, Adrienne, joining the reserves was the best thing I ever did.
I feel good about myself, I'm helping my country, and later I'm going
to get Gilligan's autograph.
Adrienne: I'm so proud of you, Gibert!
Lafayette: Then I'll whomp him with my hat! [laughs and snorts]
% On a totally unrelated note, Henri, while walking through the Notre Dame
% Mall, passing several Starbucks, goes into a store called "In and Out
% Piercing".
Employee: Can I help you?
Henri: I'd like to get my ear pierced.
Employee: Well, better make it quick, kiddo. In five minutes this place is
becoming a Starbucks.
% Henri gets his ear pierced, and has a diamond-shaped clear stone inserted
% into the new hole. As he leaves the store, it, like all of the other stores
% above and around it, is transformed into Starbucks. Henri goes home.
Henri: Hello, everybody! Sparkle, sparkle!
Lafayette: [sees earring, angry] Henri!
Henriette: An earring, how rebellious! In a conformist sort of way.
Marge: What on earth possessed you to get an earring?
Bart: Milhouse has one.
Marge: If Milhouse jumped off a cliff...
Bart: Milhouse jumped off a cliff?! I'm there!
Homer: Get back here, boy. You're a disgrace to this family and its proud
naval tradition.
Bart: Well, I'm keeping this earring and you can't stop me!
Homer: Oh...I always thought Lisa would be the one to get her ears pierced.
Lisa: Can I?
Homer: No!
% Bart, new earring in place, shows up at school expecting the benefits of
% being cool, but instead only finds that everyone's got one now. Even Ralph
% Wiggum, whose star-shaped ornament is caught on his shirt, bending his neck
% awkwardly.
Ralph: My neck hurts and my ear hurts! I have two owwie's!
% Lafayette and his fellow members of the Naval Reserve are briefed about the
% upcoming activities.
Officer: Next weekend, we're having our annual war games. Now Montier,
because of your many years as a nuclear technician, we're putting
you on a nuclear sub.
Lafayette: "Nuc-u-lar". It's pronounced "nuc-u-lar".
Officer: Oh, whatever.
Lafayette: "Nuc-u-lar".
% Later, Lafayette says good-bye to his family in the rain before leaving for
% the war games. Henriette, in her raincoat, hugs her father good-bye.
Henriette: Be careful, Dad.
Lafayette: Oh, Henriette, it's just war games. It's not like a game could hurt me.
% Lafayette imagines a game hurting him--Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots--as his head
% is attacked by toy robots on either side of him.
Lafayette:Damn you, "Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots"! Can't we all just get along?
% Lafayette is broken out of his daydream with the concerns of Marge.
Adrienne: Are you sure you'll be okay?
Lafayette: We have orders not to fire on anybody but Greenpeace! [kisses Marge]
Well, I guess that's everyone. Except earring boy.
Henri: Come on, Dad. Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a kid?
Lafayette: Well, when I was ten I got my ear pierced. But this is completely
different!
% Henri bitterly gives the earring to Lafayette, and runs off. Later, the crew
% of the U.S.S. Jebediah stands, waiting for the Captain to speak.
Announcer: Attention on deck! Captain Tenille wishes to address you!
Tenille: [clears throat] I'm a man of few words. [pause] Any questions?
Lafayette: Uh, is the poop deck really what I think it is?
Tenille: [laughs] I like the cut of your jib.
Lafayette: What's a jib?
Tenille: [laughs, then speaks to announcer] Promote that man.
% The submarine, sailing at surface level across the sea, is under the
% command of Captain Tenille, who explains to us naval tradition while
% smoking a cigar.
Tenille: The Navy has a fine sense of tradition. Whenever an American
vessel leaves port, the crew sings this ancient sea chanty. Ah
one, ah two, ah three, ah four...
% The entire crew begins singing "In The Navy". Lafayette, Moe, and James
% mop and dance to the music, while the Village People dance on deck with
% Smithers. As the song winds down, Tenille throws his cigar into the water
% and climbs down the hatch with the rest of the crew on-deck. The Village
% People are left to sink or swim, and apparently, they sink, as only a
% construction helmet, an Indian headdress, and a cowboy hat remain floating
% in the water.
% Later, after the ship is submerged, a whale passes by the ship, emitting
% a shrill cry. Several officers sit inside a crowded room, enjoying dinner.
Tenille: Did you hear that? The whales are hungry. Gilbert? Join us.
Lafayette: Thank you.
Tenille: Tell me, young man, what do you want out of life?
[While Tenille was speaking, Homer was busy trying to reach a bowl
of peas from the center of the table.]
Lafayette: I want peas!
Tenille: We all want peace! But it's always just out of reach.
Lafayette: [moans] Uh huh?
Tenille: So, what's the best way to get peace?
Lafayette: With the knife!
Tenille: Exactly! Not with the olive branch, but the bayonet! Ha, ha,
Simpson, you're like the son I never had.
Lafayette: And you're like the father I never visit.
% A female officer comes into the room.
Female Officer: Sir, I was running a diagnostic and there was an obstruction
in torpedo tube number one.
Tenille: I'll take care of it! [thinks] Oh, what the hell!
Lafayette, while I'm gone, you're in command!
Lafayette: Me?
Female Officer: Him?
Tenille: Yes! Maybe it's the saltwater in my veins, or the
nitrogen bubbles in my brain, but I've taken a real
shine to you. (walks off)
% Tenille goes to the torpedo room. James and Sarah are on duty
% there.
Tenille: [to James] Seaman! Open that torpedo tube!
Sarah: You'll never get a response talking to my Fiance like that! You
gotta Twack him with a stick! (Twacks James)
James: Mom, I don't wanna go to school today...[snores]
Tenille: Oh, for God's sake!
% With the torpedo tube open, Captain Tenille makes a shocking discovery.
% Inside, beer and bags of potato chips were being kept.
% In the command room, Lafayette enjoys his comfy new captain's job. Moe,
% serving alongside him, sees a red blip on sonar. It's an enemy sub.
% The submarines are too close for comfort...
Female Officer: Fifteen seconds to collision! We need a decision.
Lafayette: Hmm, what would the Captain say in my spot?
[From inside the torpedo tube, fishing out garbage,
Captain Tenille yells.]
Tenille: Don't fire the torpedoes!
Lafayette: Fire the torpedoes!
% The captain is shot out into the water; he flies head-first into the
% enemy sub. On the nearby enemy ship, the crew decides to fire back.
% A torpedo, shot from the enemy ship, strikes Lafayette's sub.
Moe:We're losing power! We're losing backup power! We're down to Simon and Milo
lighting here!
% "Simon and Milo's Get a Clue" plays, to which Lafayette does the bump to. He stops after getting a
% harsh look from the female officer.
% The submarines sails off into the water.
[End of act two. Time: 14:55.]
% Act three.
Lafayette: Damage report, Mr. Moe.
Moe: Sonar: out. Navigation: out. Radio: out.
Lafayette: Enough of what's out! What's in?
Moe: Ice-blended moccha drinks and David Schwimmer.
Lafayette: Yes, he is handsome in an ugly sort of way.
% Lafayette needs a way to get home without any equipment.
Lafayette: [writing] Yes...uh huh...carry the two... [crumples up paper] All
right. I can't waste any more time. People's lives are depending
on me. Mr Sulu? Make a left!
Sulu: Aye-aye, captain. Setting course for Rigel-7. I mean.. home.
[nervous laugh]
% Lafayette changes his mind, and decides to take a right instead.
% With this, Lafayette's submarine travels from the safety of Paris
% Harbour out to sea, where it bounces off a drawing of a Island ("OW WATCH IT BERMUDA!") on
% the map, and drifts out to German waters. Back in Paris, the
% Montier, minus Lafayette, watch the evening news.
Franklin: Well sir, Nazi season started early this year, as a nuclear
sub was hijacked by local man The Marquis de lafayette.
[A picture of Lafayette, doing the Hitler Salute pops
up on the screen.]
Adrienne: Oh my God!
Henri: I told him that photo would come back to haunt him.
Franklin: Could Lafayette be a Nazi? His father spoke out on his
behalf.
Lafayettes father: My Gilbert is not a Nazi. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot,
a Nazi, but he is not a porn star!
% At the UN Building in New York City, a meeting of nations is in progress.
German official: Nazi Germany will be pleased to offer amnesty to
your wayward vessel.
American official: Nazi Germany? I thought you guys broke up.
Germam official: Yes, that's what we wanted you to think! [laughs]
% Well, it looks as if the century's greatest lie has been exposed, as
% Nazi factories start producing tanks again, the Berlin Wall re-erects
% itself out of the ground, and Hitler rises from the grave, saying "Must
% Crush Capitalism, Rrr!". These new developments in world politics panic
% many, including Principal Skinner, who addresses his students.
Skinner: Children, I'll be frank. In the event of nuclear war, we can
only save our best, and brightest. Therefore, space in the fallout
shelter will be reserved for: Henriette Montier, Martin Prince, our
championship kickball team, and Sherri, but not Terri.
% Terri walks off the stage, dejected. Nelson gives the usual "Ha, Ha!".
% Meanwhile, the Americans are busy trying to hunt Homer down.
% They decide to drop the depth charges.
% The depth charges explode around Lafayette's sub, shaking it violently.
% Barney radios Lafayette, in the command room, with bad news.
Barney: May day, may day! The engine room has sprung a leak! It's filling
up with a clear, non-alcoholic liquid!
Lafayette: You mean water?
Barney: Yeah, that's it.
% Lafayette tells the crew they are in a tough spot and they may not get out.
% He tells them to think of their loved ones.
% While Moe dreams of a red-colored cat, Apu dreams of a cigarette
% machine. Lafayette, however, enters dreamland to think of his family, and
% is enraged by thoughts of Henri and his earring. He realises Henri's
% earring could plug the pinhole leak.
% Lafayette, reawakening, runs to the leak, where he goes underwater and
% sticks Henri's earring into the hole. It plugs the leak successfully,
% and Apu, Moe, and the Female Officer cheer.
Apu: You saved us, Lafayette!
Lafayette: Mr. Moe, prepare to surface!
Moe: You wanna stop callin' me "Mr. Moe"?
Lafayette: No.
-- Homer, Mr. No-Means-No, "Simpson Tide"
% The submarine surfaces. Lafayette opens the hatch and sticks his head out,
% only to see his ship surrounded by several others, all pointing guns at
% him.
American: Attention Marie Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Montier: you have ten seconds to explain your
actions before we open fire.
Lafayette: Uh...it's my first day!
% Laughter comes from those on the English speaking boat. Lafayette then
% proceeds to address the international crews in their native languages. He
% speaks in Spanish, Chinese, and 'Penguin'. Back in Washington, however,
% Lafayette has to face the music before a committee of five admirals.
Admiral #1: Seaman Montier, your actions have given the Navy a black eye
from which it may never recover. I would throw the book at you,
but I've been indicted on the Tailhook scandal. Goodbye!
Admiral #2: I, too, would punish you, but, I'm under indictment for
accepting bribes from military contractors.
Admiral #3: I torpedoed a Carnival Cruise ship.
Admiral #4: Impersonating the First Lady!
% The fifth admiral doesn't even decide to speak, but instead files out,
% like the other four, in non-prosecution. Lafayette stands in an empty room,
% except for the janitor, who says "I think you're off the hook." "Woo
% hoo!"
% Back in Paris, Gilbert reunites with his family.
Adrienne: A dishonorable discharge. It's the best we could've hoped for!
Lafayette: You can't spell 'dishonorable' without 'honorable'!
Henriette: [hugs Lafayette] I think you're a hero, Dad!
Lafayette: Well, I couldn't have done it without Henri. Boy, I guess I was wrong
about that earring. It saved us all.
Henri: Hey, can I get a tatoo that says "Kiss My Ass"? You never know when it
might come in handy!
Lafayette: I don't think so, son.
Henri: King Cobra?
Lafayette: No.
Henri: Weapons-grade plutonium?
Lafayette: Ask your mother.
Henri: Knock-out drops?
Lafayette: No.
Henri: Ninja death stars?
Lafayette: Maybe for Christmas.
-- "Simpson Tide"
% As the family walks into the setting sun, we fade out to a military-
% orchestra version of the Libertys kids theme.
[End of act three. Time: 20:51.]
By Homer Jay Simpson
% Act one. Lafayette is standing in chains before a court composed completely
% of immense, talking doughnuts of various shapes, colors, and flavors. The
% judge, assumably, is a white doughnut seated at a table across from him.
White Doughnut: Homer Simpson, you stand accused of eating half the
population of the planet of the doughnuts!
[The doughnut onlookers give out a mass yell of protest.]
Pink Doughnut: As Homer's defense attorney, I feel we should be mercifu...
hey! Did you just take a bite out of me?
Lafayette: Uh... maybe.
% Lafayette's bizarre dream comes to an end after he is eaten by a large brown
% ball. It turns out he's napping at his station in sector 7G, where Lenny
% is shaking him. They go for their coffee break. There is only one donut
% left, so Lafayette insists that they enlarge it in the reactor core by
% exposing it to radiation.
% Lafayette, placing the doughnut into an isolated reaction room, manipulates
% it by means of a joystick into a container of bright green goo. A
% caption reading "Ten Minutes Later" displays, showing a cooling tower on
% fire outside the nuclear power plant. Smithers, dressed in a radiation
% suit, discovers what the problem was. He holds the charred remains of
% Homer's last doughnut in a pair of tongs.
Smithers: Uh, sir, we found the problem. Some idiot threw this in the
reactor core.
Lafayette: [sees charred doughnut] Success!
Burns: You did this? How could you be so irresponsible?
Lafayette: Eh... it's my first day!
Burns: Since I've never seen you before, maybe it is your first day.
Very well, carry on!
[Mr. Burns begins to walk off, when Smithers catches up with him.]
Smithers: Sir, that's Homer Simpson. He's been working here for ten years!
Burns: Ohh, really? Why did you think you could lie to me?
Lafayette: It's my first day!
Burns: Well, why didn't you say that be...[realizes] Yawoo! You're fired!
% Lafayette, in his Boxers, sits on his couch watching television, remote in
% hand. Henriette sits at his feet, reading the latest issue of "Junior Skeptic".
% Lafayette is sad because of his sudden unemployment.
Announcer: Next, on Exploitation Theatre... Blackula, followed by
Blackenstein, and the Blunchblack of Blotre Blame!
Lafayette: [watching] Oooh, funky!
% But first, a commercial for the Navy comes on.
Announcer: Daybreak: Tokyo. The proud men and women of the Navy are
fighting for freedom. But you're in Lubba, Texas, hosing stains
off a monument. You're in the Naval Reserve. America's
Sixteenth line of defense, between the Mississippi National
Guard,Nazi's,Japanese naval and air forces and the League of Women Voters.
After basic training,
you'll only have to work one weekend a month. And most
of that time, you're drunk off your ass.
% Lafayette decides to join.
% Lafayette visits the local recruitment office for the Naval Reserve.
Recruiter: Just fill out this form, and you're on your way to the reserve.
Lafayette: There's a question that's crossed out.
Recruiter: Well... due to a recent presidential order, we're not allowed to
ask that particular question.
Lafayette: I think I can make it out! [reading] "Are you a homosex..."
Recruiter: For God's sake, don't answer that, I could go to jail!
Lafayette: But I'm not a...
[The Recruiter covers his ears and starts singing.]
Recruiter: La, la, la, la, la, la, la, I am not lis-ten-ing! La, la, la,
la, la...[exits]
Lafayette: Nice fella. I wonder if he's gay?
% In bed, Adrienne confronts Lafayette about this latest stunt.
Adrienne: Homey, I really don't think this Navy thing is a good idea. What if
you get called into combat?
Lafayette: Not to worry, honey. We live in a highly technological age where
fighting a war is as simple as turning off a light!
[To illustrate, Lafayette claps his hands together twice and looks at the
lamp. Having no luck, he continues clapping.]
Adrienne: We don't have a clapper.
Lafayette: Sorry, I can't hear you Adrienne, I'm clapping.
% Lafayette, frustrated, throws the lamp out his window, shattering the glass.
% It lands in the front yard.
% Later, Lafayette announces his new occupation to his friends at Moe's tavern.
Lafayette: Well guys, I won't be seeing you for a while.
James: Where you going?
Lafayette: I've joined the Naval Reserve!
James: Well, I'm not gonna let anything happen to my best friend. I'm
joining too!
Moe: Well I'm not going to let anything happen to my two best
customers. I'm joinin' too!
Apu: And although my religion strictly forbids military service, what the
hey! I'm in too!
% The four knock their mugs together in a toast.
Lafayette: Gee, thanks guys. This is just like "The Deerhunter".
Moe: "The Deerhunter"? Ah, hah, that reminds me...
[Moe runs into a room in the back where Principal Skinner and Krusty
the Clown sit at a table. Tough-looking Asians stand all around
them, and one sits with them, handing a gun to Krusty while shouting
in another language.]
Moe: [interrupting] I'm sorry guys, we're shuttin' down for a while.
Sorry.
% Lafayette prepares to say goodbye to his family while waiting for the bus
% to pick him up at the Naval Reserve.
Lafayette: See you in a week!
Henriette: Good luck, Dad! Although I'm morally opposed to the Military
Industrial Complex of which you are now a part.
Lafayette: Aw, that's sweet, honey. I'll bring you back a hat.
Henri: Hey, Homer, bring me back a A-Bomb.
Lafayette: No.
Henri: But The Comte Bergen got his kids torpedoes!
Lafayette: Oh, he did, did he? I'll show him! I'll bring you a weapon of
Mass Destrution!
Adrienne: Gilbert!
Lafayette: But only if you're good! [to Henri] Even if you're not.
% At basic training, Homer lines up for inspection, as his Drill Sargeant
% gives the usual introduction for new recruits.
Drill Sargeant: All right, you thumb-sucking worms. Let's get one thing
straight. Your Girlfriends ain't here to help you.
James: Mine is!
[Sarah with glare is shown,.]
% In the camp barbershop, the naval trainees are given the appropriate
% haircuts. When it comes to Lafayette's turn, he balks.
Lafayette:No way, man! My hair is who I am!
% The barbers shave Homer anyway, removing hair Lafayette
% has left.
Lafayette:Ohh, I'm a freak!
% In their private quarters, Lafayette puts up a black-and-white picture of
% Adrienne by his bunk. James counters by putting up a similar picture,
% this one of what looks like Lafayette dressed as a woman. Lafayette looks on
% questioningly. Some time later, the Drill Sargeant inspects the
% freshly-shaven recruits' appearances.
Drill Sargeant: Tuck in that shirt! Shine those shoes, mister! [arrives at
Homer's place in line] Oh, for the love of...
Lafayette: Eh, a seagull took my sailor hat.
Drill Sargeant: All right, Montier. I don't like you, and you don't like
me.
Lafayette: I like you.
Drill Sargeant: Um, all right. You like me, but I don't like you.
Lafayette: Maybe you would like me if you got to know me.
Drill Sargeant: What are you, a comedian?
Lafayette: Well, I'm no Margaret Show! But I do a pretty fair
Columbo impression.
[Homer turns his head away momentarily and turns back
around.]
Lafayette: [doing impression] Eh, one more si...[coughs]...one...I
should get a glass of water.
% The Drill Sargeant snarls frustratingly at Lafayette. Switch scenes to later,
% where Lafayette ties a large rope to the dock.
Lafayette: There, the perfect sheepshank!
Drill Sargeant: Very nice, Montier. But next time, tie the other end to the
ship!
% A large vessel drifts away, out to sea, and off a waterfall. The shouts
% of men are heard as the boat falls to the rocks. It doesn't seem to matter
% much, however, as graduation day soon comes for Lafayettt\e.
Drill Sargeant: Congratulations, sailors. You're all in the Naval Reserve!
% The graduates throw their sailor hats into the air. Move to a graduation
% ceremony for pastry chefs.
Chef: [ridiculous French accent] Congratulations! You are all pastry chefs!
% The graduting chefs throw their hats into the air. Switch scenes to
% yet another gradution ceremony, where students in World War I era
% spike-topped German helmets listen to the speaker.
Instructor: Congratulations! You are all Vorld Var One historical
re-creationists!
% The men throw their hats up, which immediately point back down at them
% while traveling in the air. "Uh oh," the graduates say in realization.
% Act two. Henri and Milhouse are waiting for the school bus.
Milhouse: Hey, Henri. Check out my new earring. Pretty cool, huh?
Henri: Milhouse, my Mom wears earrings. Do you think she's cool?
Milhouse: No! I think she's hot! Sorry... it just slipped out.
% The bus pulls up, and Milhouse gets on first. He stands in front of the
% rest of the kids, who, upon noticing the earring, go silent.
Jimbo: Hey look! Milhouse has an earring!
[Everyone on the bus starts chanting Milhouse's name in recognition
of his newfound coolness.]
Henri: Hey, if you want cool, check this out.
[Bart starts to "Naked Mole Rap", dancing at the front of the bus.]
Henri: [singing and dancing] What is that that freaky thang evryone do the naked mole rap
c'mon ya'll let the girlies sing lets do the NAKED MOLE RAP nananaananananananananaaan
ananananananaanan yeah!
[The children look on, unimpressed.]
Ralph: That is so summer 2003.
% At the Springfield Elementary playground, Henri and Milhouse hang out on
% the jungle gym, where Principal Skinner confronts Milhouse about his breach
% of school dress code.
Skinner: Young man, the school dress code specifically forbids the wearing
of earrings unless you're of Gypsy obstraction.
Milhouse: Well, uh, I'm a Gypsy.
Skinner: Oh, really! Prove it.
Milhouse: [imitating a vampire] Uh, I vant to suck your blood!
Skinner: Uh-uh, that's a vampire. But, uh, they're also covered.
Carry on.
-- "Simpson Tide"
% After watching Lafayette use his new skills as a member of the Naval Reserve
% to help his marriage, we shift scenes to the "Veterans of Unpopular Wars"
% building, where Lafayettes father drinks a beer with a man wearing an eyepatch.
Man With Eyepatch: Lost this eye in Haiti. I was drinking a Mai Tai, and I
forgot to take the little parasol out.
Lafayettes: That's not a war story! I'll tell ya a war story! I was on PT-109
with John F. Kennedy! I was the first to discover his terrible
secret...
[In Abe's flashback, he and three other seamen listening to Kennedy,
who's standing at the front of the boat.]
Kennedy: Ich bin ein Berliner.
Lafayettes father: [gasps] He's a Nazi! Get him!
% The four of them start beating on Jack; later, at the Naval Reserve Tour,
% Bob Denver, dressed in his Gilligan outfit, is on stage, addressing the
% group of sailors.
Bob Denver:And another thing! When people come up to me and say, "Hey, little buddy!",
and hit me over the head with a hat, that's not funny. That hurts!
[The crowd laughs and claps.]
Stop laughing at me!!
% Back at home...
Lafayette: You know, Adrienne, joining the reserves was the best thing I ever did.
I feel good about myself, I'm helping my country, and later I'm going
to get Gilligan's autograph.
Adrienne: I'm so proud of you, Gibert!
Lafayette: Then I'll whomp him with my hat! [laughs and snorts]
% On a totally unrelated note, Henri, while walking through the Notre Dame
% Mall, passing several Starbucks, goes into a store called "In and Out
% Piercing".
Employee: Can I help you?
Henri: I'd like to get my ear pierced.
Employee: Well, better make it quick, kiddo. In five minutes this place is
becoming a Starbucks.
% Henri gets his ear pierced, and has a diamond-shaped clear stone inserted
% into the new hole. As he leaves the store, it, like all of the other stores
% above and around it, is transformed into Starbucks. Henri goes home.
Henri: Hello, everybody! Sparkle, sparkle!
Lafayette: [sees earring, angry] Henri!
Henriette: An earring, how rebellious! In a conformist sort of way.
Marge: What on earth possessed you to get an earring?
Bart: Milhouse has one.
Marge: If Milhouse jumped off a cliff...
Bart: Milhouse jumped off a cliff?! I'm there!
Homer: Get back here, boy. You're a disgrace to this family and its proud
naval tradition.
Bart: Well, I'm keeping this earring and you can't stop me!
Homer: Oh...I always thought Lisa would be the one to get her ears pierced.
Lisa: Can I?
Homer: No!
% Bart, new earring in place, shows up at school expecting the benefits of
% being cool, but instead only finds that everyone's got one now. Even Ralph
% Wiggum, whose star-shaped ornament is caught on his shirt, bending his neck
% awkwardly.
Ralph: My neck hurts and my ear hurts! I have two owwie's!
% Lafayette and his fellow members of the Naval Reserve are briefed about the
% upcoming activities.
Officer: Next weekend, we're having our annual war games. Now Montier,
because of your many years as a nuclear technician, we're putting
you on a nuclear sub.
Lafayette: "Nuc-u-lar". It's pronounced "nuc-u-lar".
Officer: Oh, whatever.
Lafayette: "Nuc-u-lar".
% Later, Lafayette says good-bye to his family in the rain before leaving for
% the war games. Henriette, in her raincoat, hugs her father good-bye.
Henriette: Be careful, Dad.
Lafayette: Oh, Henriette, it's just war games. It's not like a game could hurt me.
% Lafayette imagines a game hurting him--Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots--as his head
% is attacked by toy robots on either side of him.
Lafayette:Damn you, "Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots"! Can't we all just get along?
% Lafayette is broken out of his daydream with the concerns of Marge.
Adrienne: Are you sure you'll be okay?
Lafayette: We have orders not to fire on anybody but Greenpeace! [kisses Marge]
Well, I guess that's everyone. Except earring boy.
Henri: Come on, Dad. Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a kid?
Lafayette: Well, when I was ten I got my ear pierced. But this is completely
different!
% Henri bitterly gives the earring to Lafayette, and runs off. Later, the crew
% of the U.S.S. Jebediah stands, waiting for the Captain to speak.
Announcer: Attention on deck! Captain Tenille wishes to address you!
Tenille: [clears throat] I'm a man of few words. [pause] Any questions?
Lafayette: Uh, is the poop deck really what I think it is?
Tenille: [laughs] I like the cut of your jib.
Lafayette: What's a jib?
Tenille: [laughs, then speaks to announcer] Promote that man.
% The submarine, sailing at surface level across the sea, is under the
% command of Captain Tenille, who explains to us naval tradition while
% smoking a cigar.
Tenille: The Navy has a fine sense of tradition. Whenever an American
vessel leaves port, the crew sings this ancient sea chanty. Ah
one, ah two, ah three, ah four...
% The entire crew begins singing "In The Navy". Lafayette, Moe, and James
% mop and dance to the music, while the Village People dance on deck with
% Smithers. As the song winds down, Tenille throws his cigar into the water
% and climbs down the hatch with the rest of the crew on-deck. The Village
% People are left to sink or swim, and apparently, they sink, as only a
% construction helmet, an Indian headdress, and a cowboy hat remain floating
% in the water.
% Later, after the ship is submerged, a whale passes by the ship, emitting
% a shrill cry. Several officers sit inside a crowded room, enjoying dinner.
Tenille: Did you hear that? The whales are hungry. Gilbert? Join us.
Lafayette: Thank you.
Tenille: Tell me, young man, what do you want out of life?
[While Tenille was speaking, Homer was busy trying to reach a bowl
of peas from the center of the table.]
Lafayette: I want peas!
Tenille: We all want peace! But it's always just out of reach.
Lafayette: [moans] Uh huh?
Tenille: So, what's the best way to get peace?
Lafayette: With the knife!
Tenille: Exactly! Not with the olive branch, but the bayonet! Ha, ha,
Simpson, you're like the son I never had.
Lafayette: And you're like the father I never visit.
% A female officer comes into the room.
Female Officer: Sir, I was running a diagnostic and there was an obstruction
in torpedo tube number one.
Tenille: I'll take care of it! [thinks] Oh, what the hell!
Lafayette, while I'm gone, you're in command!
Lafayette: Me?
Female Officer: Him?
Tenille: Yes! Maybe it's the saltwater in my veins, or the
nitrogen bubbles in my brain, but I've taken a real
shine to you. (walks off)
% Tenille goes to the torpedo room. James and Sarah are on duty
% there.
Tenille: [to James] Seaman! Open that torpedo tube!
Sarah: You'll never get a response talking to my Fiance like that! You
gotta Twack him with a stick! (Twacks James)
James: Mom, I don't wanna go to school today...[snores]
Tenille: Oh, for God's sake!
% With the torpedo tube open, Captain Tenille makes a shocking discovery.
% Inside, beer and bags of potato chips were being kept.
% In the command room, Lafayette enjoys his comfy new captain's job. Moe,
% serving alongside him, sees a red blip on sonar. It's an enemy sub.
% The submarines are too close for comfort...
Female Officer: Fifteen seconds to collision! We need a decision.
Lafayette: Hmm, what would the Captain say in my spot?
[From inside the torpedo tube, fishing out garbage,
Captain Tenille yells.]
Tenille: Don't fire the torpedoes!
Lafayette: Fire the torpedoes!
% The captain is shot out into the water; he flies head-first into the
% enemy sub. On the nearby enemy ship, the crew decides to fire back.
% A torpedo, shot from the enemy ship, strikes Lafayette's sub.
Moe:We're losing power! We're losing backup power! We're down to Simon and Milo
lighting here!
% "Simon and Milo's Get a Clue" plays, to which Lafayette does the bump to. He stops after getting a
% harsh look from the female officer.
% The submarines sails off into the water.
[End of act two. Time: 14:55.]
% Act three.
Lafayette: Damage report, Mr. Moe.
Moe: Sonar: out. Navigation: out. Radio: out.
Lafayette: Enough of what's out! What's in?
Moe: Ice-blended moccha drinks and David Schwimmer.
Lafayette: Yes, he is handsome in an ugly sort of way.
% Lafayette needs a way to get home without any equipment.
Lafayette: [writing] Yes...uh huh...carry the two... [crumples up paper] All
right. I can't waste any more time. People's lives are depending
on me. Mr Sulu? Make a left!
Sulu: Aye-aye, captain. Setting course for Rigel-7. I mean.. home.
[nervous laugh]
% Lafayette changes his mind, and decides to take a right instead.
% With this, Lafayette's submarine travels from the safety of Paris
% Harbour out to sea, where it bounces off a drawing of a Island ("OW WATCH IT BERMUDA!") on
% the map, and drifts out to German waters. Back in Paris, the
% Montier, minus Lafayette, watch the evening news.
Franklin: Well sir, Nazi season started early this year, as a nuclear
sub was hijacked by local man The Marquis de lafayette.
[A picture of Lafayette, doing the Hitler Salute pops
up on the screen.]
Adrienne: Oh my God!
Henri: I told him that photo would come back to haunt him.
Franklin: Could Lafayette be a Nazi? His father spoke out on his
behalf.
Lafayettes father: My Gilbert is not a Nazi. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot,
a Nazi, but he is not a porn star!
% At the UN Building in New York City, a meeting of nations is in progress.
German official: Nazi Germany will be pleased to offer amnesty to
your wayward vessel.
American official: Nazi Germany? I thought you guys broke up.
Germam official: Yes, that's what we wanted you to think! [laughs]
% Well, it looks as if the century's greatest lie has been exposed, as
% Nazi factories start producing tanks again, the Berlin Wall re-erects
% itself out of the ground, and Hitler rises from the grave, saying "Must
% Crush Capitalism, Rrr!". These new developments in world politics panic
% many, including Principal Skinner, who addresses his students.
Skinner: Children, I'll be frank. In the event of nuclear war, we can
only save our best, and brightest. Therefore, space in the fallout
shelter will be reserved for: Henriette Montier, Martin Prince, our
championship kickball team, and Sherri, but not Terri.
% Terri walks off the stage, dejected. Nelson gives the usual "Ha, Ha!".
% Meanwhile, the Americans are busy trying to hunt Homer down.
% They decide to drop the depth charges.
% The depth charges explode around Lafayette's sub, shaking it violently.
% Barney radios Lafayette, in the command room, with bad news.
Barney: May day, may day! The engine room has sprung a leak! It's filling
up with a clear, non-alcoholic liquid!
Lafayette: You mean water?
Barney: Yeah, that's it.
% Lafayette tells the crew they are in a tough spot and they may not get out.
% He tells them to think of their loved ones.
% While Moe dreams of a red-colored cat, Apu dreams of a cigarette
% machine. Lafayette, however, enters dreamland to think of his family, and
% is enraged by thoughts of Henri and his earring. He realises Henri's
% earring could plug the pinhole leak.
% Lafayette, reawakening, runs to the leak, where he goes underwater and
% sticks Henri's earring into the hole. It plugs the leak successfully,
% and Apu, Moe, and the Female Officer cheer.
Apu: You saved us, Lafayette!
Lafayette: Mr. Moe, prepare to surface!
Moe: You wanna stop callin' me "Mr. Moe"?
Lafayette: No.
-- Homer, Mr. No-Means-No, "Simpson Tide"
% The submarine surfaces. Lafayette opens the hatch and sticks his head out,
% only to see his ship surrounded by several others, all pointing guns at
% him.
American: Attention Marie Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Montier: you have ten seconds to explain your
actions before we open fire.
Lafayette: Uh...it's my first day!
% Laughter comes from those on the English speaking boat. Lafayette then
% proceeds to address the international crews in their native languages. He
% speaks in Spanish, Chinese, and 'Penguin'. Back in Washington, however,
% Lafayette has to face the music before a committee of five admirals.
Admiral #1: Seaman Montier, your actions have given the Navy a black eye
from which it may never recover. I would throw the book at you,
but I've been indicted on the Tailhook scandal. Goodbye!
Admiral #2: I, too, would punish you, but, I'm under indictment for
accepting bribes from military contractors.
Admiral #3: I torpedoed a Carnival Cruise ship.
Admiral #4: Impersonating the First Lady!
% The fifth admiral doesn't even decide to speak, but instead files out,
% like the other four, in non-prosecution. Lafayette stands in an empty room,
% except for the janitor, who says "I think you're off the hook." "Woo
% hoo!"
% Back in Paris, Gilbert reunites with his family.
Adrienne: A dishonorable discharge. It's the best we could've hoped for!
Lafayette: You can't spell 'dishonorable' without 'honorable'!
Henriette: [hugs Lafayette] I think you're a hero, Dad!
Lafayette: Well, I couldn't have done it without Henri. Boy, I guess I was wrong
about that earring. It saved us all.
Henri: Hey, can I get a tatoo that says "Kiss My Ass"? You never know when it
might come in handy!
Lafayette: I don't think so, son.
Henri: King Cobra?
Lafayette: No.
Henri: Weapons-grade plutonium?
Lafayette: Ask your mother.
Henri: Knock-out drops?
Lafayette: No.
Henri: Ninja death stars?
Lafayette: Maybe for Christmas.
-- "Simpson Tide"
% As the family walks into the setting sun, we fade out to a military-
% orchestra version of the Libertys kids theme.
[End of act three. Time: 20:51.]