Run For The Hills, You Morons!
By: Cookys 'n' Creem
Disclaimer: I don't own Hamtaro or God, tic-tacs, Banana Boat sun-cream or it's theme song/commercial song, the song 'What's New Pussy Cat?', beer, 'V' or anything else I've forgot to mention, only this very disturbed plot unfortunately. SO TAKE YOUR MONEY-HUNRGY LAWYERS ELSEWHERE!
Readers:sob: Ohhhhhhhh…!
Summary: RANDOMNESS ALERT! THIS STORY HAS NO POINT OR PLOT WHAT SO EVER! Hamtaro's screaming about giant, mutant, pink squirrels; Pashmina's hardcore religious; Oxnard has his own theme music; Bijou has got a bad case of PMS or something; Stan's hyper on MILK; hostage situations with tacos involved… and more stupid things that will make you laugh like mad!
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WHOO! This is my very first story under my new penname! YAYYYY! BOO-YAHHHHH:cough: Okay, I'm alright. :in redneck, country voice: Hope ya'll enjoy this story! Keep on readin'!
:Run For The Hills, You Morons:
"OH SWEET MOTHER OF GOD! LOOOOOOOOK!" Hamtaro screamed, pointing to outside the clubhouse.
"Hey, does God even HAVE a mother?" Pashmina asked. Her eyes suddenly burned with determination. "I MUST find out! It will take my life but I SHALL know if God has a mother!"
------------------------Up In Heaven With THE BIG GUY!----------------------
God scowled down at Hamtaro. "Hey! I created everything! I HAVE NO MOTHER! I AM GOD! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!" Thunder and lightning stormed as he said 'God' and laughed evilly. Little white bunnies and birds looked at each other and zoomed away.
"DUDE, YOU'RE CRAZY!" Screamed one of the bunnies.
"I hear that!" A swallow agreed.
"GOD! Are you saying I'm not alive again!" An old, female voice screeched from a kitchen that bursted with light.
God quickly stopped cackling and the thunder and lightning stopped with a screech. (You know, like a record screeching when it's suddenly stopped. P It's hard to explain.) "N-No mom!"
"Yeah, I didn't THINK so! For I am… GOD'S MOM!" She cackled evilly too.
God sweatdropped. "Man, I can't BELIEVE you're my MOM…" He sighed.
"MWHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!"
-------------------------Back Down With The Ham-hams…----------------------
Hamtaro kept pointing at outside and he looked like a fish because his mouth kept opening then shutting. "Giant, mutant squirrels! And they're PINK! OH DEAR GOD!"
"STOP USING GOD'S NAME TO SAY STUFF!" Pashmina cried. She was suddenly dressed as a nun –you know, with the black and white dress thing and that weird hat-.
"And I LIKE pink!" Sandy added. "If you say something bad about pink again I'll… I'll… SING! YEAH! I'll ACTUALLY sing!"
They all gasped. "NO! PLEASE! NOT THAT! ANYTHING BUT THA-A-AAAAAAAAT!" The were on their knees, begging for her forgiveness.
"GAAAAHHHHHHH! MORE GIANT, MUNTANT, PINK SQUIRRELS! THE HORROR! ... And these ones are HOT pink!"
"THAT'S IT! You asked for it!" Sandy shouted. She took a deep breath.
"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" They all jumped for Sandy in slow motion, but she moved out the way in the last second and they fell flat on the floor.
Sandy took another deep breath and began to SING…!
((Banana boat!
It's SUN protection!
Banana boat!
It's 30 PLUS!))
They all screamed in horror and put their paws on their ears, even started slamming their heads on the table and clanging their heads with cymbals. But here voice sounded like a rusty nail being dragged across a chalkboard –REPEATEDLY-, while someone hits a baby with a cat, while a maniac animal-hater killing PUPPIES, KITTENS, LITTLE BUNNIES AND BABY BIRDS WITH A CHAINSAW IN A CHILDCARE CENTER, while all the children wake up from their naps and start crying into megaphones and microphones plugged into gigantic, GOD sized stereos that are on the MAX of all MAXS…:cough cough: you get the point. Sandy sings very, very badly.
(No offence Sandy lovers, or animal lovers! I love animals too, believe me!)
((Banana boat!
It lasts FOREVER and EVER and EVER and EVER
BANANA BOAT!
Ba-da-da-dum, doo-dee-doo-deeeeeeeeeeee!))
Sandy grinned evilly. "Do you want me to sing it again?"
"GOD NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Okay! Just because I love you all SOOOO much!" Sandy smirked before singing again.
((Banana boat!
It's SUN protection!
Banana boat!
It's 30 PLUS...))
"STOP! THAT SOUNDED LIKE A FROG TRYING TO SING WHILE GOD PLAYS THE BAGPIPES!" Boss shouted.
"STOP BAGGING GOD, SINNER!"
"Man, you're crazier than that God guy! And his MOM!" Stan cried.
"Do NOT use God's name in vain! SACRILIGE!" Pashmina shouted, pointing a finger at Stan. "God shall power thee and smite thou! SMITE THOU! O MIGHTY SMITER!" She cried to the ceiling.
(I know… that's kind of off 'Bruce Almighty.' DON'T SUE ME! And did I get the 'thou' and 'thee' thing right? Oh well… tell me if I got it wrong!)
Stan backed away. "You really ARE crazy!" Stan grabbed a carton of HUMAN milk and starting gulping it down like he needed it to live.
The other Ham-hams –beside Pashmina who was still crying out to god and asking him to smite her enemies- gasped. "HUMAN MILK! ARE YOU CRAZY!"
(Let's just say human milk is bad for a hamster and there's special hamster milk, okay? DON'T BAG MEEEE!)
Stan suddenly dropped the milk and the rest of it's contents spilled onto the clubhouse floor. His eyes sprang open and they had anime swirls instead of his actual eyes. "YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIY, YIYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" He screamed.
The other Ham-hams sweatdropped. "Don't say we didn't warn him…"
Stan kept rambling about nothing and jumping up and down and screaming. "HAHAHAHAHAHA! I AM THE KING OF MILK! NO ONE CAN STOP ME AND MY MILK ARMY!" He screamed very quickly. He chucked lots of cartons of milk at everybody and they exploded on them.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKK! MY HAAAAIIIIIIIRRRRRRR!" All the girls screamed at the same time.
"I HOPE YOU ROT IN HELL! AND TAKE YOUR EVIL MILK WITH YOU!" Pashmina yelled, pointing yet ANOTHER accusing finger at Stan.
"YOU ARE SOOOOOOOO DEAD, BRO!" Sandy shouted. And Bijou added lots of French swear words in the yelling too.
"$$ OO LA LA! $$&$&(&$ BONJOUR ))$(&# BAISE HEAD (&()&&)&&"
And… you get the basic idea.
"HA! YOU CAN NOT BEAT ME AND GREAT ARMY OF MILK! General Chocolate Moo, ATTACK!" He chucked a bottle of chocolate milk at Cappy, who fell unconscious immediately.
"Ha HA! I have vanquished one of my mortal enemies!" Stan cried, he now had a milk moustache and a blanket wrapped around his neck. "I AM SUPERSTAN! AWAYYYYYYYYY!" He jumped off the table and hit the ground with a loud thud.
A few "Ow… HAHAHAHAHA! Ouch… NO ONE CAN RESIST AGAINST ME! Ow, the pain…" soon followed. And you get the point.
"Wow! I want to try and fly, too!" Oxnard declared. He jumped onto a chandelier –God knows how- and had his own theme music.
(And FYI, this is supposed to be a fast-paced theme song)
His 'special' theme music blasted through the clubhouse.
((OXNARD!
He's the great daredevil!
OXNARD!
He'll … be on the level?
OXNARD!
He wets his bed… and sometimes his self…
OXNARD!
He never gets scared!
Well, never gets scared besides when he sees something green, anyway…))
"HEY! I do NOT get scared when I see something green!" He suddenly sees a leaf fall to the ground. "EEEEEKKKK! GREEEN!" He jumped off the chandelier and lands on the ground next to Stan, moaning and groaning as well.
(I just typed that, and it sounds SO wrong… -.-)
"I'VE GOT IT!" Pashmina suddenly screamed. "God's mother's name is… Ura Loser! What kind of name is THAT!"
----------------------------------Heaven…. AGAIN!-----------------------------------
"Ah, crap they figured out my name!" God's mom –'Ura'- cried.
"What do you expect, you put your name on the front of the BIBLE in huge letters!" God said, rolling his eyes. He picked up a bible and showed it. 'URA LOSER is God's mom's name!' was on the front in big sparkly letters.
"Well, no one knew if you had a mom, so I TOLD them!" Ura defended.
-------------------------------------The Clubhouse-------------------------------------
"NO! I USED MY WHOLE LIFE TO FIGURE OUT GOD'S MOTHER'S NAME AND IT'S SOME STUPID NAME LIKE URA LOSER!" Pashmina started slamming her fists on the floor. "NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" She cried dramatically, looking at the ceiling.
Hamtaro kept screaming and jumping up and down and pointing out the window. "I'M NOT KIDDING! THERE'S GIANT, MUTANT, PINK, SQUIRRELS OUT THERE!"
Sandy was still singing (:cough, cough: Yeah right! More like screeching like a banshee) the banana boat song. "BANANA BOAT!"
Stan and Oxnard were still on the ground, moaning.
(:shudder: That sounded SO wrong again, sorry!)
When this was all happening, Bijou was still swearing like crazy and throwing hard, pointy objects at people. "&&& NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME! #$#&& I HATE YOU ALL! $)+# BOSS' AN ASS MONKEY! (&#&#($&$$ I HOPE YOU ALL CHOKE ON YOUR SPECIAL SUNFLOWER SEEDS!" She made bunny ear signs with her fingers when she said 'special'.
Boss scowled. "I am NOT an ass monkey, Frenchie!"
"YOU RACIST PIG! I HATE YOU! GO TO HELL! GO &(&$ A PIG! && YOU! I HOPE YOU HAVE LITTLE &( PIG HAMSTERS WITH YOUR &&& PIG WIFE!" Bijou screamed, throwing a vase at Boss, who quickly ducked.
"ARE YOU CRAZY, WOMAN!" He grabbed a bottle of beer and sculled it down. He kept drinking, and drinking, and drinking…
------------1 Hour and 38 Minutes Of HEAVY Drinking Later…------------
Boss was moving back and forth, his fur was messed up –even more than usual- and a half full bottle of beer was in his hand. He stumbled onto Penelope. "Hey baby, you want a good time?" He slurred.
Penelope squealed and jumped away, Boss following. "Oh come on, you know you want meeeeeeeee…"
Pashmina screamed and grabbed Penelope away from Boss. "KEEP AWAY, BABY RAPER! SIN! SIN! SIN! ONE OF THE WORST SINS OF ALL! INFACT, PROBABLY THE WORST!"
"Oh… but we were just getting comfy… oh well…" Boss grinned and turned to Hamtaro. "How 'bout YOU sugar…"
Hamtaro jumped backwards. "DUDE! Are you GAY!"
Boss walked up, okay stumbled up, to Hamtaro. "Ohhh… but were made for each other, peaches!"
"PEACHES!" Hamtaro shouted. He looked out the window. "Screw this, I'm OUTTA here! I'd rather live with the squirrel people!" He jumped out the window, screaming "BOSS IS GAY! STAY THE && AWAY FROM ME!" with a love-struck, drunk of his face Boss following him.
"Come back baby-cakes! I promise I'll be gentle!"
"OH DUDE, THAT'S SICK!"
All the other Ham-hams sweatdropped.
(Hahahahahaha! I burst out laughing at this bit, don't ask me why, but it's hard to write now!)
Sandy was now singing 'What's new pussy cat?' in a VERY high, scratchy voice. A cat hissed at her, a dog barked and a bird exploded.
((WHAT'S NEW PUSSY CAT?
WHOA-OH-OH-OHHHHH!))
Stan's leg twitched. Oxnard jumped up. "I AM OXNARD! I LIKE MARSHMALLOWS!" Then he fell straight back down to the floor again.
Hamtaro came jumping back in, screaming and Boss followed him, still holding a bottle of beer. "STAY BACK, GAYBO!" He screamed.
"But we were so gooood together!" Boss slurred, holding onto Hamtaro's arm. Hamtaro made a disgusted look and tried to shake him off.
The other Ham-hams looked like this: O.O
Hamtaro shook his head very quickly. "NO! THIS ISN'T WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!"
"Don't deny that you said you loooooved me!" Boss sadi, beer waving off his breath.
"DUDE! Use a tic-tac!" Hamtaro shouted.
Bijou suddenly burst out crying. "I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME HAMTARO!"
"WHY WOULD I LOVE A FREAKY FRENCH GIRL LIKE YOU!"
"And besides, he loves MEEEEEEEEE….!" Boss added.
"NO I DON'T! GOD DAMN YOU!"
"Don't use God's name in vain! But you can use his mother's." Pashmina said.
-------------------------------:sigh: Heaven Again…---------------------------------
"HEY!" Ura shouted to the little cloud that showed Pashmina saying you can say her name in Vain, but not God's.
"Hey, it's true, NO ONE likes you, not even that Elvis guy down the street."
Elvis came up. "Yeah, woman, you're FREAK-EY!" He said in a Elvis slur.
":sob sob: NO ONE LIKES MEEEE!"
----------------------------------Yep, The Clubhouse…------------------------------
"Um... okay. URA DAMN YOU!"
You hear a very faint 'NOOOOO!' from the sky.
Boss drank the rest of his beer and hugged Hamtaro until he nearly choked. "Awwww…….. I loooooooove you tooooooooooo Hamtaroooooooooo…………..!"
"GET OFF ME, YOU CRAZY GAY HAMSTER!"
":sob: HAMTARO DOESN'T LOVE ME! …….HEY! YOU'RE A RASIST PIG TOO! HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A FREAKY FRENCH GIRL! I HATE YOU! GO TO HELL! GO &(&$ A DONKEY! && YOU……..!" Bijou got cut off by Sandy's horrible singing.
((WHAT'S NEW PUSSY CAT!
WHOA-OH-OH-OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!
BANANA BOAT!
IT'S SUUUUUUUUN PROTECTION!))
"WILL YOU ALL SHUT UP!" Hamtaro screamed. Every one stayed quite. "THE SQUIRRELS ARE COMING!"
Suddenly, the clubhouse's side crashed and thousands of giant, mutant, pink squirrels burst into the room. "HELLO! We are the… um…" The biggest squirrel with a white headband around it's head turned to the others. "What's our name again?"
"Uh…"
"Wasn't it Bob?"
"Cheeeeeeeeese?"
"SQUIRRELS!"
"Um…"
"Ooh! Ooh! I know! I know!" One of the littlest squirrels squeaked, jumping up and down.
"WELL WHAT IS IT!" The headband-ed one asked.
"Was it the giant, mutant, pink squirrels?"
All the Ham-hams fell down anime style. "THAT'S YOUR NAME!"
"No, it's 'The GAMPS!'" Headband-ed one cried. The other squirrels squeaked in agreement.
"THE 'GAMPS'! WHAT KIND OF NAME IS THAT!" Bijou screamed.
"It stands for 'Giant and mutant, pink squirrels!'" Patrick announced.
(I decided to call the headband-ed leader squirrel Patrick, okay? Okay.)
"Oh, THAT'S creative!" Hamtaro said, sarcasm dripping from his voice.
"I know, right?" Patrick said, missing the sarcasm. Hamtaro sighed.
"If you don't leave I'll… I'll… SING AGAIN!" Sandy yelled.
Patrick and the other GAMPS' sat down cross legged and stared at her with awe. "REALLY! Can you? PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE?"
"NOOOOOOOOO!" Screamed all the other Ham-hams –besides Boss who was still clinging onto Hamtaro's leg and being dragged along in the process- in slow motion, covering the squirrels mouths and tackling them over in the process. "SHUT UP YOU IDIOTS! YOU'LL NEVER LIVE AGAIN!"
Sandy grinned evilly. "What was that? I heard a question for me to sing just then!"
"NO, THEY DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING, I SWEAR!" Maxwell shouted.
(I kind of forgot about him, sorry Maxwell fans! XP Whoopsie!)
"Yes we did! SING! SING! SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!" The 'Gamps' cried. But the Ham-ham's hands were still covering their mouths so it really sounded like: "Wes e id! IN! IN! IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!"
"SHUT UP IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU!" All the Ham-hams besides Sandy and other ones mentioned before screamed.
The 'Gamps' finally got their mouths free and grinned. "What are you going to do? Make us hostages? WHAHAHAHAHAHA!" All the 'Gamps' burst out laughing, holding their stomachs and nearly crying with laughter.
"Um… actually we were just going to kick you out on your butts, but that's a better idea!"
The 'Gamps' sweatdropped. "GOOD ON YA, BIG MOUTHS!" Patrick yelled at them, about to strangle them with a cable cord.
All the Ham-hams suddenly had tacos in their hands and were pointing them at all the 'Gamps'. "Don't move and we won't kill you with…" They looked at their tacos. "…Spicy tacos? ...Eh! Whatever!" They shrugged and glared back at the 'Gamps'.
"What did we do?"
"YOU WERE GOING TO !$!$ TELL SANDY TO SING, THAT'S WHAT, YOU # PIG #$#&& IDIOT!"
"What kind of excuse is THAT!" Patrick asked angrily.
"A #$#$ GOOD ONE IF YOU HEARD HER BE-#$-FORE, YOU PIG, DONKEY, MONKEY AND BOSS #$#$#$$#! YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT! YOU $$& BOSS OVER THERE!" Bijou pointed to Boss who was now crowding around a scared Hamtaro and Stan.
"How 'bout a 3-way, huh?" Boss slurred, batting his eyelashes.
"GOD DAMN, YOU ARE MORE NUTSO THAN GOD GIRL OVER THERE!" Hamtaro shouted.
"EventhoughI'mhyperI'mnotstupid,idiot,gaybohamsterdudeyMc.dude!" Stan chattered so quickly you could hardly understand it.
"Oooooooooo….kay." Patrick sighed.
"ALRIGHT, FREEZE!" A voice shouted. A puff of smoke appeared at the clubhouse door and a black figure was coming out from it. The figure coughed madly. "I'm alright, I'm okay…" He cleared his throat. "THIS IS THE HAMSTER POLICE! ALL OF YOU COME OUT WITH YOUR PAWS UP!"
All the Ham-hams put their paws in the air as Hamster police raided the clubhouse. The chief hamster came up to the computer screen. "Alright, nothing to see here!" They put their paw on the screen as it toppled over.
------------------------Real Life, Readers Computer Desk…-------------------
The reader scowled at the computer screen with 'Run For The Hills, You Morons!' on it.
"WHAT KIND OF CRAPPY ENDING WAS THAT! I WANT MY MONEY BACK! …Oh yeah, I didn't pay anything… FINE THEN, I'LL SUE!" The reader cackles evily. "I'LL GET YOU, COOKYS 'N' CREEM!"
--Heaven With Little Loser… Hey, her last name is Loser, isn't it!--
"Wow, these human people need to get their creativity back in notch!" God muttered.
"Pfft. Where have you been the last 10,000,000,000,000… excreta years!"
God scowled at his mother. "Oh, shut up. What do YOU know!"
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WHOO! My first OneShot is DONE! COMPLETE! FINITO! Is that even a word? …Oh well. I do agree with that reader, the ending of the actual part with the Ham-hams in it DID suck. But I was in a rush because my 'V' is running out! NOOOOOOO! I need more 'V'! I SHALL RULE THE WORLD WITH 'V':laughs evilly: Ahem. Sorry. But if you found that a little over the top, sorry it was all the 'V's fault! DON'T GIVE ME YOUR FLAMING LETTERS AND GIANT BOMBS IN THE MAIL AS A WARNING! E-mail me or put it in the REVIEW for GOD'S sakes!
Pashmina: HEY! STOP SAYING GOD'S NAME IN VAIN, SINNER!
What do you know, I MADE you like that!
Pashmina: Oh yeah.
:cough cough: Oh yeah, remember to review and my 'Ham-ham Take Out' chapter is on the way, I'm about to start typing after this one, which I'm about to stop, nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn………ow.
REVIEW!