Maybe it was the coffee. There could be no other explanation as to why today was such an extraordinarily bad day. The weather was decent, Motoki was in a great mood as always, and classes were going fine. Well, to be perfectly honest I was doing quite well but it does no good to get bigheaded about it. In fact, just yesterday I actually had what could be described as a great day. Or at least a perfectly adequate one.
Perhaps this is why I have found myself overly annoyed at my current state of depression. Logically, there was no rational answer, which leads me to the explanation of coffee, or the lack thereof.
"Hey Motoki, coffee?" I asked grumpily, not even bothering to hide my mood.
Holding a pot in his hand across the counter, his eyelids raised in a curious manner, "Yah, sure. You want the..."
"Black and bold, yes," I curtly answered his question then abruptly looked back down at my book. A small twinge reminded me of the guilt I should feel for treating Motoki the way I sometimes did, but the fact that he still wanted to be my friend despite it really was his problem wasn't it?
At that thought, I felt my stomach plummet even further. Motoki really was my only friend, the only person who willingly "put up" with me. He definitely deserved better than that.
"Motoki…. thanks," I said, pulling a half smile. It seemed to do the trick. He beamed back at me, gave me a wink and then headed off to help other customers. I relaxed my tense pose, leaning back away from my work and stretching. I was determined to calm down and get my mood in order, but after I heard a light voice calling after Motoki flirtatiously, all my progress dissipated.
"Motoki-onii san, would you please get me a chocolate milkshake? Oh, and can I get whipped cream on it, and some sprinkles…?" chimed the voice of the girl who had somehow turned my rational world upside down. Sighing, I carefully turned to glimpse her wide eyes looking up at Motoki. Disgusted, I began to pack up my work and lay my change on the counter. On any other day, I'd take the opportunity to begin playful teasing, but somehow today it didn't seem fitting. I had to get out of here.
In the few months we had known each other, our 'relationship' had been slowly declining from bad to downright horrible. What had started off as harmless teasing had escalated to heated arguments the last few weeks. Though each day I woke up, determined to make that day the one in which we could hold a civil conversation and show her that I could be a kind person, routine always won out. Quite simply, it was easier to carry on as usual.
As my luck would have it, this was the one day where it was I, and not my Usako, who would blunder with clumsiness. In my haste to leave, I managed to bump into the shocked girl who suddenly appeared behind me. Her surprised big blue eyes overwhelmed my senses. I could have apologized and begun anew. But of course, that was not to be.
"Gomen-nas.." I began, "Oh, never mind, it's just you."
"Hey, what does that mean? 'It's just you?' I'll have you know that just because you think so well of yourself, it doesn't mean all us other people are beneath you," she replied angrily, eyes dancing with fire.
Unfortunately, she didn't stop there.
"And hey, it was YOU who bumped into ME, so don't you dare get all haughty on me".
And unfortunately, I didn't stop it there.
"Wow Odango, I must say I'm impressed with vocabulary," I sneered, "Of course, that's assuming you weren't implying that I was a hotty… In which case I hate to disappoint…"
"Ooooh, you know I didn't mean THAT! Who would want to be with such a jerk that sucks the fun out of life? How dull and boring!"
"Well maybe it's because you aren't quite living in the same world the rest of us are. What could you know about real life? You live with your head stuck in the clouds, never caring about anything," I continued angrily and without thought, "Some of us have to pick up the slack that people like you cause in society."
As the words left my mouth, I felt instant regret. I knew I should have left before she got here. It seemed like every encounter recently left our relationship in even worse disrepair, as I became even more desperate for her. And while she did seem to float through life effortlessly, did I really know what was going in her life?
I attempted to keep my face straight, not showing any emotion, but I wasn't sure I was succeeding. However, if she saw my regret, it didn't register. Her body became tense and her normally vibrant eyes grew dark. She took a step backwards and continued steaming in silence, eyes starting to well up. The air surrounding us felt palpable, and for the first time in awhile, I felt genuine fear.
She took a deep breath; I could sense her trying to calm down. The silence was ominous; it was hardly ever silent between us. The yelling I could deal with, sure. But this? I opened my mouth, about to apologize to her for the first time, but she beat me to it in a strained, low voice.
"You don't know ANYTHING about me or what I go through! How DARE you say that! Happiness is a choice you know, just because I don't choose to be a jerk, it doesn't mean I'm a waste of space! You have no…. you have no idea what I…" tears were flowing freely now from her distraught eyes.
I could now feel my expression fall. I had to say something, anything to make it better. The seconds ticked by, and I silently watched as she turned and ran out, putting as much distance between us as possible.
And that's when it dawned on me. Coffee wasn't to blame; it was my seemingly hopeless chance at love receding further out of reach.