Author: J.J.
Warning: It's an AU BASED ON THE MANGA. It contains some Japanese words (the Dictionary is at the bottom), a bit of sappiness...
Notes: Kind of Pre-'X' since 'X' should start around April... and written for Subaru-kun's birthday but, as usual, I'm late...
Dedicated: to Mefiant who, despite everything, thought it should still be posted.
Disclaimer:
"Tokyo Babylon" and "X" belong to Clamp. I'm merely using their characters because I love them... especially Seishiro and Subaru...
Do I own something here? Oh yes, I own the plot and a sensitive heart which would surely break if you give me harsh reviews, so please be honest but nice, okay?
Thanks: To Ruth for betaing this! Thank you a lot!
Summary: Sometimes you can learn something valuable from the worst situation ever...
"Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face."
(Alanis Morissette - "Ironic")
The first thing he perceived was pain, dull and throbbing, coming mostly from his head but also from other parts of his body, as if he'd been beaten up or had a really bad fall. Maybe that was it, he'd fallen somewhere, the hard thing which he was lying on surely couldn't be his bed...
... and there was something warm against his left side, draped over his arm (an arm which had fallen asleep) something heavy and big and soft and... with a smell he somehow... liked.
He was tired, he wanted to sleep but the pain, the fact he had no idea where he was or how he had ended up wherever he was, and the sticky wetness trailing from his forehead to his cheek made him think that wasn't really a good idea.
He groaned, tried to open his eyes, tried to move, to fight the wish to return back to sleep and hit against something. He blinked a little less sleepily, without being able to focus on anything, squirmed a little in the attempt of reactivating the circulation in his arm without really wishing to pull it away from under whatever it was, and tried moving again, in another direction, meeting another obstacle.
He frowned - this didn't promise anything good - and forced himself to wake up completely. He blinked in the darkness that surrounded him, complete darkness without any light partially clearing it, darkness which smelled of blood and dust and destruction and cigarettes and... something oddly nice and familiar, breathed deeply stale air that almost caused him to cough, tried to move a third time and was forced to face the harsh truth. The space he was in was too tight for him to sit up, the space he was in... was only slightly larger and higher than a coffin... and he couldn't deny finding the idea he'd been buried alive rather... uncomfortable, definitely not his idea of death, definitely not how he...
"Seishiro-san? Are you awake?" Subaru-kun's voice at his left was... laboured, rough, as if the boy's throat was dry and he had trouble speaking, but oddly tinged with concern, concern for him and he couldn't help but...
"Worried for me, Subaru-kun? You're so cute..." he stated, the corners of his mouth turning up automatically as he tried to picture Subaru-kun's expression before he began to cough slightly. There was too much dust around, it saturated the air, made his throat prickle and made it more difficult to breathe properly.
As his coughing died down he felt the body, Subaru-kun's body, next to him move slightly as its owner sighed tiredly, he had no idea if in annoyance or in relief.
Seishiro remembered now, remembered the kill in that underground parking lot, the blood of his victim wetting his hand, remembered cleaning it off with a paper tissue as he walked calmly toward the exit. The parking lot wasn't completely empty, but there were few cars inside and even fewer entering or leaving and he had his own ways not to be noticed.
He had his own ways not to be noticed by everyone but one person, one person who had just come down the stairs he was about to climb, one person who had just come down the stairs with some other men. He remembered so very clearly beautiful green eyes widening as their owner stilled while those men who were with him, apparently employees of the store above the parking lot, kept walking then... then they paused as they realized Subaru-kun wasn't following them anymore and turned to look at him in confusion. Not that he cared about them, he remembered Subaru-kun, he remembered smiling at Subaru-kun, beginning to say to him 'Good evening, Subaru-kun' then... then his voice was completely drowned out by a sound, an explosion, air and not only air, moving toward them and... and he instinctively threw himself to the ground, dragging Subaru-kun to the ground as well and... and there were more explosions and crashing (Had that been a terrorist attack? Something else? He had no idea...) and... and then darkness.
And now here he was, with Subaru-kun, in that cursed parking lot, likely buried under the store that once had been above it. How long had he been unconscious? For how long had they been there? Was any help going to come or... he shrugged off that idea. This wasn't the best of situations but pointless worrying wouldn't help and, at least, he had someone who would keep him company as they waited for rescue to come. If rescue would come. It was ironic and almost embarrassing how the two most powerful Onmyouji in Japan had to lie there and wait to be rescued as if they were kids in trouble... but life had an odd sense of humour and Seishiro was used to making the best of any situation.
"So, Subaru-kun, how has life been those eight years?" he asked in a friendly tone, bothered by how his voice sounded slightly raspy. Warily he moved his arm to check on the cut on his forehead and did his best not to wince, glad the darkness would stop Subaru-kun from noticing his actions. Annoyingly though, Subaru-kun seemed to guess what he was doing anyway.
"You're fine... I think. The cut is nothing serious but you shouldn't move. You could have a concussion or... something," the boy stated, avoiding a direct reply to Seishiro's question, his voice weaker than usual.
"Oh? How could you see in this darkness?" he asked, perfectly covering his annoyance at the knowledge he'd been unconscious (vulnerable) while Subaru-kun had checked on him. Though he didn't understand why Subaru-kun hadn't used that chance to kill him. But maybe Subaru-kun was just too kind and honest to kill an unconscious person who couldn't defend himself... even if that person was his sister's murderer. Or, more likely, he didn't relish the idea of waiting for the rescuers with the sole company of a corpse and an even stronger smell of blood all around him.
"I have a lighter," the boy replied simply. 'A lighter,' Seishiro mused. He inhaled, slowly, deeply... tobacco... the scent of cigarettes on Subaru-kun, wrapped all around him...
"You smoke," he stated in realization with a hint of surprise. "Don't you know it's bad for your health?" he asked then, keeping a joking, friendly tone even if... he disliked the idea of Subaru-kun smoking, doing something that was bad for his health, damaging himself without Seishiro's permission. Subaru-kun didn't reply. At first. Then...
"I don't care and you don't either." It had been a simple statement, preceded by a small sigh but with an odd half empty half pained note he didn't know well how to describe, a tone Subaru-kun had never used before.
"What would Hokuto-chan say, I wonder? She..."
"She's dead. She doesn't talk anymore," Subaru-kun... Subaru-kun interrupted him with an uncharacteristic lack of politeness. His tone had been definitive. Final. Empty. Dead. 'How would it feel to love someone so much as Subaru-kun had loved his sister and then losing that person?' he wondered for a brief moment before dismissing that question. It wasn't like it would be a problem that would concern him. Ever. So he simply laughed.
"But it's so hard to picture her silent for once!" he commented, sounding amused. Hokuto-chan had always been so bouncy and noisy and... alive before he'd killed her, it was really hard to picture her quiet... even for him who'd seen her dead and had been expecting all the time while he held her in his arms she would open her eyes again and say she'd played a prank on him... which would have been very like her. Subaru-kun didn't reply. Boring, Seishiro thought. He wondered which expression the boy displayed at the moment and tried to reach for his lighter. "I bet if she were here she..."
"Seishiro-san, you shouldn't talk," Subaru-kun interrupted him again, his body tense against Seishiro's. Oh, finally. A reaction.
"Oh? Why not? Have I touched a sore topic maybe?" he asked innocently. "Should I apologize?"
"You consume more air if you talk. I've no idea of how much we have left," Subaru-kun explained simply, reminding Seishiro of their present condition which wasn't good at all. Anyway, what Subaru-kun said made sense and so, for a while, Seishiro said nothing, simply listening to Subaru-kun's doing his best to breathe calmly next to him as he gazed in Subaru-kun's direction and tried to picture the boy's profile in that pitch blackness. All in all it was very boring to just be there and contenting himself simply with listening to Subaru-kun's slightly laboured breathing. Seishiro frowned.
It was true, talking didn't improve their condition and they should avoid doing so if they wanted to live but... but after all living or dying didn't really make much difference for him and, if he had to die there, he wanted to have some amusement with Subaru-kun first. Besides, maybe he would annoy Subaru-kun enough to push the boy to kill him anyway, despite the uncomfortable prospect of lying there with a corpse. And murdering him would give Subaru-kun a better chance of survival since he would have more air for himself so Seishiro was going to kind of do him a favour. And if Subaru-kun were to still be difficult... well, manoeuvring a bit, he could still use Hokuto-chan's spell... he thought... he wasn't sure but it could be worth a try and...
"Do you feel like suffocating, Subaru-kun?" he whispered, right into Subaru-kun's ear, his tone sensual as he moved slightly closer to him, doing his best to inhale Subaru-kun's delicious scent, so it would drown the annoying smell of blood that seemed to cling to this place. Maybe someone was bleeding to death somewhere close... if the rubble hadn't squashed him or her already... But the smell of blood wasn't a thing he wanted to remember. No, he wanted to remember Subaru-kun's scent, he wanted to imprint it in his mind. He wanted it to be the last thing he would inhale, his last memory. "Lying here, in the dark, alone with me, my arm around you... do you feel like suffocating?" he insisted. Of course, their situation was anything but romantic but this didn't mean he couldn't be suggestive... and maybe their situation was kind of romantic after all... as romantic as two in their position would be allowed to have... and he really, really wanted to see if Subaru-kun was blushing right then but, in that darkness, he couldn't. A real pity. As was the fact Subaru-kun gave him no answer but Subaru-kun had never been very talkative. "What are you thinking about, Subaru-kun? What are you thinking about as you lie trapped here with your beloved sister's murderer? Aren't you wishing for your chance to kill me? I might have a concussion, after all, and be weakened by it, and this might be your only chance to avenge Hokuto-chan and it would also assure you that you would have more air for yourself..." He slid his hand toward Subaru-kun, found and took the boy's hand in his own, caressed soft skin, slender fingers. Subaru-kun wasn't wearing gloves, he noted, Subaru-kun wasn't wearing gloves, carelessly exposing the Sakurazukamori's marks to the world, as if it was an invitation for Seishiro to track him down since Subaru-kun wasn't capable to do it on his own... and hadn't Subaru-kun been so lucky today... well, maybe lucky wasn't the right word... anyway, hadn't he been so 'lucky' today he would still have no idea about Seishiro's whereabouts... "It's the law of nature for the weakest to die and for the strongest to survive... and you want to survive, don't you?" he went on but he still got no reply. Subaru-kun's hand was oddly cold and, absently, he stroked it in an attempt to warm it up. Maybe Subaru-kun shouldn't have given up wearing gloves, he was so prone to getting sick... even if... holding his naked hand was much better than how it had been when there was a glove to protect that delicate, pale skin... "What are you thinking about, Subaru-kun?" he asked again, disliking the silence. Subaru-kun hadn't suffered a concussion as well, had he? He would be greatly disappointed if the boy had fallen unconscious because of it...
"I'm thinking... that you have... to kill me now..." was the reply in a rather weak, slightly panting tone and there was an odd note in Subaru-kun's voice, as if Subaru-kun had... had longed for this moment but that couldn't be, could it? It was simply that he was speaking in such a low tone... or maybe that was Subaru-kun's idea of a romantic tone? Either way what Subaru-kun had said startled him but it had been only a moment, not enough for Subaru-kun to notice it.
"Why? Do you think _you_ can pose such a threat to me, Subaru-kun? Do you really think you could have a chance to kill me? You're really so cute..." he countered in his most amused voice as if Subaru-kun was being truly nave. After all, the boy didn't need to know he had more than a chance to kill Seishiro if he truly wanted... it would ruin Seishiro's surprise for him...
"No. As you said it's... the law of nature... for the weakest to die... and for the strongest... to survive... and between the two of us... you're the one who... has a better chance to... survive to this until... help will come..." the boy... panted, forcing words out of his mouth and this... this wasn't a good sign, no, it wasn't a good sign at all, but maybe Subaru-kun was merely being overdramatic, surely he couldn't have gotten a concussion worse than the one Seishiro suffered, besides Subaru-kun seemed to be speaking coherently enough so... so... He twisted, managed to pull himself partially up, trying to support himself on his elbow and hit what seemed a piece of wall with his shoulder... or maybe a piece of roof... that had fallen and had been stopped from squishing them by... something, he didn't care what. He fished his lighter from his suit's pocket, lightening it, uncaring this meant wasting even more air. He... he had to ascertain it with his eyes... eye... Subaru-kun's condition...
After so much time in the dark the light blinded his eyes, well, eye actually, for a second (and probably Subaru-kun's as well) forcing him to close them, but it didn't really last for long. He opened them nearly immediately, and, despite being forced to blink for some more seconds in the attempt to focus, he immediately began to examine Subaru-kun carefully. No wounds... he couldn't see bleeding wounds on his head, but, of course, this didn't necessarily mean Subaru-kun's head hadn't been hit badly, actually it might be worse if there was no bleeding... besides Subaru-kun looked so unnaturally pale... but maybe it was just the dim light or... or... he wasn't sure. He caressed the boy's head gently, probing for lumps, trying to guess where he had hit it and how bad it was, cursing the fact he was a veterinarian and not a medical practitioner and...
"Where does it hurt?" he asked, not because he cared because he didn't, he didn't give a damn about Subaru-kun's status, but because that was the fastest way to check the boy's condition. Green eyes stared at him in confusion, green eyes grew glassy, slightly unfocused, then they closed as Subaru-kun shook his head slowly, slightly grimacing in pain.
"It's not... the head..." he whispered, eyes opening slowly again and looking down. Seishiro followed his gaze, moving the lighter as well. There was... a lump under the flap of Subaru-kun's coat that was covering the boy's middle... and Subaru-kun's black shirt seemed... sticky... as if it was wet and... and he moved Subaru-kun's coat away to reveal... a piece of metal embedded deeply in the boy's side, deeply enough it went through him, blood slowly oozing out from the wound, slowly permeating the place with its scent. Seishiro... he couldn't pull it out, it would only cause the bleeding to increase... he couldn't leave it there either, because then the blood wouldn't stop flowing... then... what could he do? He... he just stared at the wound... for once speechless. Onmyouji as powerful as them could heal faster than normal people, could use spells to accelerate the process but... but they didn't have any 'fix any wound' magic spell at their disposal. What could he do? What should he do? The weakest should die. The strongest should survive. Subaru-kun... Subaru-kun was the weakest among the two of them right then, Subaru-kun wouldn't last for long anyway, Subaru-kun should... should... For a moment his mind went blank, as if it had been switched off, then his eyes widened in realization as he turned his gaze on Subaru-kun's face and met green eyes staring at him calmly, completely unafraid to die. "You... have to... kill me..." the boy repeated. "I won't last... that much longer..."... and it was true, Seishiro knew it was true but... but... to kill Subaru-kun... it seemed such a weird idea... Subaru-kun was the one who was supposed to kill him... not because Seishiro loved him, of course, but because... because there was nobody else... he had nobody else he would allow to... and now instead... instead... it made no sense... it made no sense... it just... wasn't possible...
'How would it feel to love someone as much as Subaru-kun had loved his sister and then losing that person?'
No, he... he didn't love Subaru-kun and he didn't feel pain at the idea Subaru-kun would die. He didn't feel pain at all. But somehow... somehow he felt different from when he had killed his mother, from when he had killed his many victims, from when he had killed Hokuto-chan. Those times... he had felt nothing as well but now... now it was just... more than nothing... he felt... hollow... as if he was being swallowed by a black hole... The world... the world was swaying... darkening... as his mind fumbled, trying to grasp what was happening... it was the concussion, he thought, surely he must have gotten a bad concussion... a serious one... that was the only explanation for... for that... for...
Subaru-kun stared at him, studied him in that pale light, his expression concerned... worried... worried for him despite the fact he was the one who was about to... to...
"Are you... afraid?" the boy asked him almost tentatively and Seishiro blinked, trying to make sense of that question. Him? Afraid? It was ridiculous. It was... it was... he swallowed, finding it hard to breathe. Maybe it was the lack of air instead... maybe... maybe it was just the lack of air, combined with the scent of blood... he'd grown up with that scent that had first clung to his mother's hands and then... to him. He had... sometimes he had tried to... to have it cling to Subaru-kun as well but... but... now... now the scent of Subaru-kun's blood... it was nauseating... it was...
He lost his grasp on the lighter, the flame disappearing before he felt the thing hitting the ground. He... he didn't search for it, didn't feel like searching for it, he... had seen enough and continuing to see wouldn't change anything.
It was just he'd gotten a concussion... a concussion combined with the lack of air probably. Just that. That was the explanation for everything.
"I'm not afraid. I don't get how you could come up with such a silly idea, Subaru-kun. I'm the Sakurazukamori," he murmured with no conviction as he... he let himself lean on Subaru-kun, his head resting on Subaru-kun's chest, his ear over Subaru-kun's heart.
Thud... Thud. Thu-Thud. Thu... Thud... Thud... Thu-Thud.
The rhythm... was messed up... and slow... too slow... that wasn't good. That wasn't good. That wasn't...
"I... wouldn't leave... you here... all alone... anyway... you know..." the boy... rasped, his arms... moving slowly, so slowly... around Seishiro... to circle... circle his shoulders in what... in what looked like... like an embrace, a protective embrace... and... it was nice... and warm... and horrible... and cold at the same time and... and he didn't understand, and he wasn't sad, he wasn't happy, he wasn't apathetic, he... was... like he didn't exist anymore... as if he was already a spirit like the one Subaru-kun would become soon and they would stay like that forever, trapped in that place and... and...
"I don't care. I'm used to being alone. I like it. I feel nothing for you," he stated tonelessly, mechanically, eyes wide open in the darkness as he tried to understand what was happening and failing. Subaru-kun was soft and warm under him... warm... how long he would stay that way? He... he had never bothered to find out how long it would take for a corpse to lose its warmth... he had never cared but... but Subaru-kun wasn't dead yet but... but...
"You... shouldn't be... used to being... alone... You... I..." Subaru-kun sighed, swallowed, talking getting more difficult for him by the minute, strength slipping away slowly at the same pace his own blood was leaving his body.
"Is it past midnight already?" Seishiro wondered out loud in an apparent non sequitur, not paying attention to Subaru-kun's words because... because they too made no sense. The Sakurazukamori was supposed to be alone and he was fine alone so why shouldn't he be alone? "If it's past midnight... today is your birthday, Subaru-kun. Happy birthday," he went on but he couldn't give any inflection to his voice and it... it felt so odd... so odd... it was like... being dead inside... far more disconnected from the world that he had ever been... as if... he was drowning in slow motion... dying in slow motion...
Under him Subaru-kun inhaled. Exhaled.
Thu... thud... Thu... thud... Thu... thud...
"Thank... you..." he replied so very, very weakly Seishiro had to strain his senses to hear him.
Breathed in. Breathed out.
Thu... thud... Thu... thud... Thu... thud... Thu... thud...
"I've forgotten to buy you a present," he went on, his pointless chattering filling that almost silence that smelled too much of approaching death. No, no, no, nobody would die because it wouldn't make sense so nobody would die and... and... "I would invite you to dinner... or maybe breakfast would be better now but..." Weird... his own voice sounded so weird... so... hollow... his mind fighting so hard to make coherent thoughts...
"It's... okay... Seishiro-san... just... I'm wasting... your air... you... you should..." Subaru-kun tried to say but Seishiro refused to listen to him any further.
"No," he stated, raw and firm and definitive and... and he had no idea but it was _no_ and it was _no_ and it was _no_, because there was no need to, because nothing would happen and... and...
"Even now... I'm not even worth... being killed... by you?" Subaru-kun asked him and he sounded so... so very pained... did his wound hurt so very badly? He hadn't sounded so pained when he had beaten him up, years ago, in his Maboroshi... "Even... now? Should I... do it... on my own... to save... air for... you?" Seishiro raised his head, stared at where he believed Subaru-kun's face to be without understanding, moved closer to the boy's face, unable to see him in that darkness, unable to see him as he was unable to understand him.
"So kind, Subaru-kun... Why should you hurry to your death to give your sister's murderer some more minutes of air?" he countered. "You should be longing for my death, not..." He shook his head. "You're really too kind..." ... and it made no sense Subaru-kun should be so kind to him, it made no sense really because Subaru-kun should hate him, should want him dead and... and...
"I'm not... being kind... It's just... it's you... it's you... Seishiro-san... I..." the boy tried to explain but Seishiro didn't understand, he couldn't. What was it supposed to mean Subaru-kun wasn't doing it out of kindness but because he was involved in that mess? It wasn't like he was Special to Subaru-kun, the boy had always tried to keep him as far from himself as possible right from the day they met again, and now that he also knew the truth and Seishiro had murdered his sister... no, Subaru-kun simply hated him, he was sure he was the one Subaru-kun hated the most, he was sure there was no one else Subaru-kun could hate more than him, he was sure he was Subaru-kun's Most Hated Person... he was so sure... so why should he still feel like being kind to him?
"Have you no sense of self preservation? What about your family, your grandmother? Have you no reason to live, Subaru-kun?" he asked... wondered... had no idea... didn't understand... didn't understand at all... why was Subaru-kun doing this _to him_? He didn't understand...
"I... lost... everything precious... I had... eight years... ago... living... dying... doesn't matter anymore... it doesn't... I lost... I lost..."... his sister, his other half, Seishiro had known she had been important to the boy, he had known but back then he had wanted Subaru-kun to react and wake up and it had been all Hokuto-chan's idea and... "I lost... Seishiro-san... I lost... I... Seishiro-san... I... you..."
Seishiro made a confused sound, he must have misheard, he... he didn't understand, Subaru-kun couldn't mean he'd lost him, he had never been Subaru-kun's Most Precious Thing, he... he clung to Subaru-kun, snuggled against him like a child in search of love and protection, he didn't understand, he didn't understand, he couldn't get close to Subaru-kun's soul, to Subaru-kun's mind so, at least, he wanted to be close to his body, he wanted to be with him, he wanted to be as close to him as possible, he... he wanted... he...
"I don't understand..." he whispered, Subaru-kun's fingers still holding him weakly and... and... and then... and then noises, voices, rescuers? Had rescuers finally come? Had... dust fell on them all of sudden, made him cough so hard for a moment he couldn't think of anything else, his eyes watering, then... then light, the wreckage over them being removed carefully, so as not to cause it to crumble on them, hands, hands grabbing him, trying to pull him out, away from there, away from that grave, away from Subaru-kun, no, no, he clung to him, he clung to him numbly, he didn't want to be parted from the boy, he dragged him away with himself, out of there, then... then expert hands were handling them... taking care of them... doctors... paramedics... checking on their condition... Subaru-kun's unconscious body moved gently away from his embrace, moved away so they could fix him... so they could fix Subaru-kun and make everything better... and why were they saying Subaru-kun was unconscious? Why were they saying there was no heartbeat? He twisted in their grasp, there had to be a heartbeat, there had to be because if there wasn't... if there wasn't...
He was held still, the doctors taking care of Subaru-kun, Subaru-kun, Subaru-kun, Subaru-kun, the world would make no sense without Subaru-kun, Subaru-kun, Subaru-kun... then everything went dark as he lost consciousness.
The first thing he perceived was... wasn't. His body felt numb, he barely registered he was lying in a soft, unfamiliar bed. Then... then he began to slowly become aware of other things, hospital smell, light, shadows, something heavy and large and warm and... nice somehow... lying over him, the complete lack of sensation of one of his waist's sides, as if a whole piece of it didn't exist anymore, tubes, cables stuck into one of his arms... and he... he was tired, he wanted to sleep but... but he remembered... and he was worried and... and he didn't understand where... what... how... and he had to know and... He groaned, tried to blink, tried to open his eyes some more, to focus on the world around him, tried to move, fighting the wish to return back to sleep. The heavy form over him was keeping him pinned to the bed and his eyes... it was so hard to open them and the light wasn't helping and... and he breathed, he breathed fresh air that smelled like disinfectant and medicine and tobacco and... and something oddly nice and familiar and so very, very loved, a scent he'd missed so much, breathed deeply and tried to move again, to open his eyes and escape from Morpheus' arms and he...
"Subaru-kun? Are you awake?" Seishiro-san's voice... Seishiro-san's voice... next to him... well, basically from some place over him... Seishiro-san's voice, sleepy, tired but... but alive and... and now he knew what was over him, what was the dark shadow over him he could barely see and... thank you, Kami-sama, thank you...
"Sei... shiro...-san?" he managed to say, to whisper, to whimper, he had no idea. He felt something... a large hand resting over his head, stroking his hair and, unconsciously, he leaned into that touch.
"It's fine. Relax. We're out of there," the man replied, resuming leaning his head on Subaru's chest. He was heavy. And warm. And alive. And with Subaru. And for Subaru it was enough.
Inhale. Exhale. Try to savour this moment and don't ask questions because good things rarely last long and so you've got to enjoy them as much as you can the moment you're living them... and this... this felt so good... so good to be there with Seishiro-san next to him, over him, as if it was still that beautiful year and Subaru was still a teenager and that horrible, horrible mess had never happened and Seishiro-san was just there to tease him and then Hokuto-chan would enter from the door and join in the teasing and... and... his eyes stung, stung so badly, and so did his throat but everything was so perfect and he didn't want to ruin the moment and he... and this...
... but Seishiro's hand stopped caressing him and Subaru knew better than to delude himself into believing nothing had happened. He had no idea why the man was with him but he held no hope he would stay there longer than it was necessary for Seishiro-san to do... whatever he had in mind to do. He closed his eyes and just... tried not to think, tried not to think because thinking simply hurt too much. He tried not to think but the silence was unpleasant as well and he felt like drowning in it but... but...
"Did you have a nice sleep, I wonder? You've been tossing and turning quite a bit for someone who should have been heavily sedated..." Seishiro-san asked him and his voice sounded... strange. Not like it usually was. Not that it was unpleasant just... different... like... like something had gone wrong... like... like something bad had happened, like he'd been hurt... Maybe the wound he received to his head had been worse than Subaru had thought?... and if chatting with Subaru could distract him from whatever had gone wrong then... so be it.
"I... I had a dream..." he admitted.
"A nice one?" Seishiro-san prodded. He didn't sound that much interested in Subaru's dream, it seemed he just... wanted to talk as he rearranged himself so that now both his arms were around Subaru. It wasn't quite that comfortable but, as long as Seishiro-san would stay with him, Subaru had no complaints about that position.
"Hokuto-chan... she was there... on the other side of a bridge... it was... it was a small bridge... but... it was odd... it looked like a miniature of Rainbow Bridge... I... I wanted to go to her but... but she kept telling me not to... to never, _never_ get close to a bridge... that it wasn't a good place for dates..." he smiled... bitterly... pained... old memories threatening to drown him. He tried to chase them back and go on with his tale. "I... I didn't want to listen... I... I wanted to go to Hokuto-chan... it seemed nice there... where she was... I wanted to see her... to be with her again... I wanted..." He trailed off. He'd wanted so badly to go to her, so badly...
"So... did you cross the bridge?" Seishiro-san asked, his voice muffled as he pressed his face against Subaru's chest. He... he seemed like a child in search of attention and somehow Subaru's hand moved on his own to caress the man's hair and met... bandages.
"Are you... are you fine?" he asked worriedly. 'Are you? Are you?' It was all he could think of and... and...
"Just peachy. It was nothing serious after all but I'm supposed to stay under observation for a while and rest a lot. So... did you cross the bridge?" Seishiro-san insisted and there wasn't the usual joking tone in his voice, there was no amusement and Subaru had no idea what that meant. His voice... didn't seem cruel either. He just... he sounded like he was lost... which was odd because it was so unlike him and Subaru couldn't understand but...
"No," Subaru replied simply. "I didn't do it. I didn't go to her."
"That's good, Subaru-kun. You should always listen to your older sister," the man commented as he had done many times in the past but this time he sounded none too pleased as if he didn't like it that Hokuto-chan could influence Subaru's decisions and tell him what to do.
"I didn't listen to Hokuto-chan," Subaru admitted. "I..." he hesitated then... "I heard you calling me and I... you were calling me and I... I thought you might have been needing me for something and I... I didn't want... to leave you alone... I..." 'I was worried something bad would happen to you if I were to leave you alone... lonely... it's bad to feel lonely... with no one caring for you... it's... it's so horrible, I know it so well, and I... I didn't want you to be... I didn't want you to feel like that... I didn't want you to feel like I feel...' "Anyway... I tried three times to reach Hokuto-chan but you kept on calling and I... I think I woke up in the end and... and that's how it ended... with me waking up here..." '... and no, here there's no Hokuto-chan and this is definitely not a nice place where I could be happy but you're here at the moment and that's more than I was hoping for and, even if you were to leave now, I would remember you stayed with me, even if only for a short while, and... and...'
"Oh," it was all Seishiro-san said before falling into silence. Subaru tried to think of something intelligent to say, something that would interest Seishiro-san but... but he knew nothing interesting and so...so...
"Why are you here, Seishiro-san?" he couldn't help but ask. 'Why? Is this another game? Is it?' He needed to know, he needed to know, he...
"I'm listening to your heartbeat. It's steady. It's a nice sound. As much as the sound of your breathing. Inhale, exhale. Thu-thud, thu-thud, thu-thud. They are all... nice sounds to listen to. I hadn't noticed before how nice it is to listen to them," Seishiro-san explained without really explaining anything. Subaru blinked and, for a lack of better options he simply said 'oh'. "Your heart stopped. Three times. You didn't breathe anymore. The paramedics were about to declare you dead," Seishiro-san added and there was something... odd in his voice, something raw and... hurt... and... so lonely... but Subaru... Subaru had no idea what to say to fix it... because Seishiro-san didn't care about him as a person and so... if he was to him like a glass cup... he couldn't really keep him company... and he had no idea how his near death experience could have upset Seishiro-san or why... if that had been what had gone wrong, that was it...
"I... I'm sorry I caused problems," he replied anyway and he was sorry only... dying didn't seem like such a bad thing to him... to him that had no reasons to live anymore. Seishiro-san made a noncommittal sound.
"You should be sorry you almost died and left behind all your precious things," he countered. Subaru's hands unconsciously clung to him as he replied.
"I've... nothing precious... anymore. I've already told you that," he replied and couldn't help but sound bitter. He had nothing precious anymore so how could he be sorry at the idea of dying? He was sorrier he had survived... Silence fell for a while then...
"It's still your birthday today. Again... happy birthday," Seishiro-san repeated and, as he had done back then Subaru answered 'Thank you' though he saw nothing 'happy' in that day. He had nothing to celebrate. On that same day nine years ago, he and Seishiro-san had met for the second time. On that same day eight years ago, Seishiro-san had told him he viewed him as nothing more than a glass cup and then... had shattered him on the ground and had left him there. And then... then Subaru had caused his grandmother to end up in a wheelchair, his sister to die and... and what did he have to celebrate? Why should he celebrate the day on which someone like him had come to life? "I still have no present for you. The doctors didn't let me get out to buy flowers or something," Seishiro-san went on and Subaru wished he would just drop the subject but... but he was simply too polite to say it.
"It's okay. I don't mind, it doesn't matter. I'm fine like this. Really." After all... after all Seishiro-san's presence was the best present he could have hoped for. It was enough for him. Really.
"I can't even take you out for lunch or dinner today. We're not allowed to leave the hospital yet," the man continued.
"It's okay. I'm not really hungry, Seishiro-san..." he answered tonelessly and thought it was a stupid charade they were playing but it was fine because, even if Seishiro-san didn't care about him, he was there and... and that was enough... really... really... just... just it would end and then he... he...
"They'll release you next week. So... we'll go next week then. Quiet dinner. Candle lights. Good food. Cake. You'll like it so work up your appetite for that day, okay?" Seishiro-san told him in an almost commanding tone, rising up to look straight at him and for a moment Subaru failed to grasp what the man was truly implying.
"Work up my appetite? Seishiro-san, I don't think..." he trailed off as his mind finally caught up and he stared at Seishiro-san, blinking. Seishiro-san wasn't asking him out for a date, was he? Was he? "I... I don't think I understand..." he admitted.
"Next week, as soon as we're out of here, we'll celebrate your birthday with a proper dinner and, much more importantly, proper cake. It'll be no bother for me so don't even think of refusing," Seishiro-san stated and, for once, he wasn't smiling. He was serious and Subaru didn't know this side of him.
"I... I don't understand this game but I don't think it's funny, Seishiro-san," he stated bitterly. "Just... just kill me as you should have done when we first met and stop..." 'stop toying with my feelings' he wished he could dare to say but... but he just didn't feel strong enough at the moment. He just... didn't want to break that moment of quiet but he... he didn't think he could bear being toyed with again so... so...
"No," Seishiro-san stated firmly, his tone so very definitive, so very... _cruel_ in that firmness... and Subaru felt tempted to scream 'why do you have to do this to me?' but he just stared at him in silence. You don't scream in a hospital, not even if someone is tearing your heart apart. "You said you wouldn't leave me, Subaru-kun. I'll hold you to that promise... This means..." his voice softened, his hand rested on Subaru's cheek, stroked it gently. "This means you'll come to have dinner with me as soon as you're out of here, namely next week. This means you have to get better now. No more stopping heart, no more of you not breathing and no more thoughts of crossing bridges, okay?" Subaru blinked. He wasn't sure he understood things correctly and he wasn't sure Seishiro-san was being serious but it seemed Seishiro-san wanted him around, wanted to pay attention to him, wanted Subaru to keep him company at least for a little longer and no, actually Subaru didn't understand at all but... but... but... at the moment he didn't have the strength or the will to refuse. Probably, his near death experience had simply damaged his brain too much and so he was hallucinating... or maybe it was that Seishiro-san had received a serious concussion and this had affected his personality... or... or...
"Yes, Seishiro-san," he replied obediently, like a good child would have, for a lack of better options. Seishiro-san... he sighed, as if he'd been holding his breath then... then resumed leaning against him, his head on Subaru's chest and this was so odd and... and... "Seishiro-san? Are _you_ well?"
"Your heartbeat... it has really a nice sound, Subaru-kun... a very nice sound. Like your breathing. Never, ever let one of them stop, Subaru-kun. Never," the man told him in a definitely commanding tone as he snuggled against him and Subaru didn't understand and was confused and... _didn't understand_ but... but maybe it wasn't important to understand it now. Seishiro-san was there for him at the moment and he was there for Seishiro-san. He couldn't understand Seishiro-san and Seishiro-san likely couldn't understand him but... maybe... as long as they could stay together... it didn't really matter much... maybe... as long as they could stay together... they both could not be alone, they both could have a reason to live, a different kind of happiness from waiting for being killed... maybe... maybe they could hope...
"And you ask me what I want this year So take these words And it's someplace simple where we could live
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And desire and love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again
And something only you can give
And that's faith and trust and peace while we're alive."
(Goo Goo Dolls - "Better Days")
JJ's Extra Notes:
That's the reason why Seishiro thinks I shouldn't watch 'C.S.I.'... he's wrong though, I always wanted to close him and Subaru somewhere in a tight space to let them sort each other out... I just never thought before of that particular location before... As for Subaru... he thinks I have a twisted idea of birthday presents but he's kind and doesn't mind.
Ah, as far as I'm concerned the explosion was due to some terrorists' bombs in some cars in the parking lot but, if you prefer, you can think it exploded for some other reason. The only thing I can tell you for sure is it wasn't the Chi no Ryu's fault. Kamui isn't in Tokyo yet and this fic ends before he'll come. I'll also cruelly leave up to your imagination what will happen afterward between Sei&Su.
In the original plan there should have also been notes for this fic but, once I added them, I felt like they were interrupting the flow so they were cut again. If something is unclear feel free to ask.
Also there are really small references to the talk between Seishiro and Setsuka that took place in the drama cd 'X Character File - Seishiro' (the whole 'you're fine with dying because you've nothing precious' concept), to the 'Tokyo Babylon Vol. 7 Annex - Start' (the whole loneliness theme) and to 'X Vol. 16 - Sakurazuka Seishiro' sidestory (the whole 'who's gonna kill Seishiro' thing).
In this fic I work on the assumption Seishiro had long decided Subaru would kill him... but hadn't quite realized yet why he's fine with the idea. As for Subaru he has already decided the best thing that could happen to him is to be killed by Seishiro, which is why he would like for Seishiro to kill him but, if he can't have that, he wouldn't mind killing himself to give Seishiro some more minutes of air.
As for the why the two most powerful Onmyouji can't save themselves and can't heal themselves in a blink... well, they're powerful but I don't think they're _that_ powerful, sorry...
Dictionary:
-dono: used at the end of the name to show respect, somewhere between '-san' and '-sama'
-tachi: Used to transform the name in plural or to mean 'and friends'
KaChou: Family Head
Onmyoudo: "Way of Yin and Yang". Yin and Yang are the male and female forces underlying the movement and changes of nature. Onmyoudo is based on the Chinese arts of astrology, divination and Taoist magic and also represents a mystical way of living in harmony with the forces of nature
Onmyouji: "Person who practices Onmyoudo". Basically a magician, sorcerer, diviner and astrologer
Onmyoujutsu: "Art of Yin and Yang". The ability to use Onmyoudo spells
Sakura: "Cherry Tree" or "Cherry Blossom"
Sakurazukamori: "Guardian of the Cherry Blossom Burial Mound". The assassin who uses Onmyoujutsu to kill whomever threatens Japan
Sumeragi no Chou: Sumeragi's Head
Tsubaki: Camellia
Yuki Onna: "Snow Woman". Creature from Japanese mythology that can control snow and/or winter
YumeMi: "Dreamgazer". One that can see the future in dreams
Don't grumble silently, please let me know what you're thinking of this!
Send me your comments!