Secret Origins of SSRG
Written by SuperEgg
Edited by Selbi
Chapter 1 - "Fuck it. Adventure time!":
It had been several days since the attack on Earth was stopped by the SSRGFriends. Everybody survived the attack with only minor injuries, most sustained from bad puns and horrible anime reference mishmashes. Nevertheless, the Earth wanted to know who their saviors were. Within days after, camera crews and reporters had quickly figured out who had saved the planet from the attack.
"And tonight on the Near Midnight Show with David Faleno, the saviors of Earth, the SSRGFriends!"
After a few bad jokes and shitty mini-sketches on the show, the group was formally introduced.
"Hi, my name is Spanner Keltsmith. I hail from the highlands of Scotchland and I procure the ability to use the Brito Ken technique taught to me by the great King Tweakallah."
"Ahh, a Britfag I see? Wait, Brito Ken? Is it similar to the Kaio Ken technique?"
"In some ways. But the one main difference is that instead of using KI to fuel the temporary power up, I use Pepsi and squids to fuel my energy boost."
"I… ahh… I see. Well, let's meet our next guest. DalekSam? I hope he doesn't exterminate us all."
There was a light chuckle from the audience—Sam on the other hand wasn't all that impressed.
"Ahh, hi! My name is Sam Winton, but I go by DalekSam. For those wondering, I got this nickname because of my reputation for exterminating the competition in the World Martial Artz Battle for the God Cards. I'm actually from Nirth Eyerlend, which means I'm a non-drunk son of a protestant whore."
"Well that's cool, Sam. Tell me, what is your special ability?"
"See, I can control my KI energy into my musical instruments and use it as weapons. I also have slight mastery over the Brito Ken."
"Kind of like Sonic in Sonic Under..."
"Yes, just like that, except I play Thrash Metal."
"Ahh, I see. Well then, that's cool… I suppose. Let's move on. Ahh… how about… you, MarkleyJester?"
"Actually kind sir, it is MARKEYJester. Yes, I am Markey, Queen's Legendary favorite Jester."
"I see. I've only heard you exist from whispers on the streets. So, what can you do?"
"I have 25 engineering degrees and mastery of all Yu-Gi-Mon card abilities. I can literally defeat any opponent with just the right hand, and let me tell you, I always have a right hand."
"Do you use KI attacks?"
"KI attacks are for poor Britfagz. I am far too classy for such whimsical exertions of energy. I use my mind to win battles; otherwise physical strength would seem to be more of the important virtue to the children at home."
"I see. Well then, let's move onto… DAGarden."
"Evening, David."
"What can you do, DA?"
"I am the team's healer. If I were to give you an exact explanation, I am this team's White Mage. And nobody *censored* with the White Mage. I also run statistics and logistical programs, in order to come up with alternate ways to defeat an opponent."
"NERD!"
"E-excuse me?"
"Sorry, DAGarden, you seem kinda dull."
"You do know I have knowledge of every martial art move, correct? You do know that's my job, correct?"
"Hey now, it was just a joke."
"I caught on. I'm not laughing."
"Sheesh, tough crowd. But I'll move on. Ohh? It seems there is an American on the team. MainMemory, what can you do?"
"To be honest, I am the true nerd of this group. I write all programs, fix all the ships, and provide educational shortcuts in programming to almost all the members on this team."
"You weren't kidding. Do you fight?"
"I sometimes do. I have a mech, but it can only do so much damage."
"Oh well, at least you tried. Let's move on to the last member of the group, vladikcomper. Introduce yourself, vlad."
"Ok. My name is Vladmir Putin von Death III. I hail from Siberia where I honed my skill of KI manipulation and computer skills in a work camp where my ungrateful father sent me."
"Oh… I see. What else can you do?"
"I am apparently the next Digidestin."
"Now that is interesting..."
The rest of the night continued like this. Each member told how they contributed to fighting Kevin, the SuperEgg. Of course, he wasn't a real egg, but the symbol on his armor was that of an egg, so he settled with it. Each member contributed a tiny bit to the battle. Kevin was a strange opponent indeed. He used various overused and outdated memes in battle. Not to mention, his fighting style was so erratic that even poor DAGarden couldn't quite keep up. MainMemory attributed the stranger's fighting style to possible insanity. Markey thought this was merely a ploy to hide his lack of true skill, or maybe so much of it that he didn't know how to use it properly.
In the end, at the behest of Spanner, they all agreed to do the most unthinkable, allowed Kevin to be in the SSRGFriends. Kevin the SuperEgg had a large amount of pride and didn't want to admit he was kinda lonely since his separation of his friend on the planet OCASphere. He simply smirked at the offer and quelled his attack. Leaving, he wished them all a gay old time, and blew up one more city—Paris. Why? Because fuck Paris.
Once the group got out of the unfunny late night host's show, they blew up his dressing room. Well, Dalek and Spanner did. MarkeyJester only looked on with confusion, and refusal to understand.
"There, that'll teach David Faleno to be unfunny."
"Indeed. Also, it'll teach 'em to not hire a Thrash Metal band. I was tired to listening to that gay shit known as country music."
MainMemory paid for the damages—luckily it was only about $100, because let's face it, David was an ass.
Leaving the scene of the crime, they made their way over to MainMemory's place. He had been building a rocket to get the crew into space. Why you may ask, let's just listen into their conversation.
"So, SOT— I mean... Spanner, what have you learned about the Dragon Ballz?"
"Not much, DAGarden. All I know is that in order to summon the Internal Dragon, one must—and pardon my empty crater—talk like a nigga from da hood."
"But nobody in our secret group is that perfect at using Ebonics. Wait, does it have to be actual thuggish dialect, or can it be a fake sounding LA drawl?"
"No, it has to be legitimate. The dragon only responds to actual Ebonics."
"Well damn it all. What are we supposed to do now?"
Dalek and Markey finally entered the room, both partially buzzed, but were still sober enough. Dalek fell on one of his prized basses, Markey just rolled his eyes and simply walked around the mess.
"Markey, how are you not fucked up?"
"As a jester, my liver metabolizes the alcohol far quicker than a normal limey. Anyhow, there is one that knows how—"
"No. Kevin the SuperEgg isn't even part of the group! Why not get Blazer, or ChaosHedgie? Hell, even Aqua—"
"No, because in order for the plot of this story to work, we need SuperEgg."
"Fine, call him from outer space."
CLUNK!
"What the hell? SuperEgg?"
Yeah.
"Hold on, you're the narrator as well?"
No shit, you Scotsman.
"Aren't you breaking the fourth wall?"
Nope. My story, my way of telling shit.
"Quick question then, how did you get back from space so quickly? You were in the flashback."
Ohh, pssh. Robert Downey Jr. had auditioned for this role. He needs some more dough you know.
"Makes sense, I suppose. Anyhow, how talented are you at Ebonics?"
Shut da fuck up you cracka ass, punk ass, scrawny ass, five cent haircut, wrench usin', skirt wearing mutha fucka!
"Oh, I see. If you don't want to be part of this…"
I was showing you my stuff, ass.
"Oh... Well then, you pass. Tell me, do you know where the Dragon Ballz are?"
Of course, they're on Planet Manek. The Maneks make Dragon Ballz. Strange, considering they have no concept of Ebonics like their green counterparts, the Nameks.
"Whatever drives the plot along this shitastic story I suppose."
Indeed, Spanner. Anyways, I need to get back to narrating this chapter. Until then, Robert Downey Jr. is back as my stand-in.
"Ahh, do I still get paid for this, or..."
After an hour or so, all the protagonists got their shit together, and I had finally got RDJ's manager to get shit straightened out. Once all that jazz was squared away, our heroes boarded the newly named ship, "THE OFFSET MACROS ONE". Nobody was in a mood to argue with the name, as it would probably ret conned by the next chapter or so.
DAGarden had whipped up a radar for the Dragon Ballz, surprisingly simple enough. Duct tape and a few random wires were easy enough to suffice for a working radar. Of course it was all done in an epic montage; think of like the training montage from Rocky I, but not as high budget. It had a slight tinge of Michael Bay, but since it hasn't been drawn up and animated, it doesn't exist.
vladikcomper almost missed the ship, but convinced everybody to wait for him, since he was bringing pure Russian Vodka—a good incentive.
"So, vladik, how pure is that vodka?"
"Rober… I mean, SuperEgg, it is 97% pure."
"Well, don't be shy, pass it around."
And with that the whole ship got drunk as balls and accidentally crash landed on the planet Mars. It seemed, because of all the shortcuts MainMemory was able to create, the amount it took for the ship to leave Earth's orbit and crash onto Mars was approximately 5.4 seconds.
"What the hell will we do now? MainMemory is knocked out and he isn't waking up anytime soon."
Quickly Spanner looked around and grabbed MarkeyJester. Luckily, as stated earlier, he had nearly metabolized all the vodka, so he was in perfect condition to work on the rocket.
"Ok, let me try to fix this ship..."
"What's the problem Markey, you seemed confused… Oh no! Don't tell me. He used the..."
"Yep, he used the HG version of the rocket assembly kit."
Just as Markey finished his statement, there was an unanimous 'Fuck' yelled into the scorching Martian desert.
"Why are we looking for the Dragon Ballz anyway? Was that even established?"
Just as soon as vladikcomper asked that question, the whole character roster looked up at the sky and looked towards the narrator...
Hold on. Why the fuck are you asshats looking at me? Oh, excuse me, princesses, I guess I forgot to give you people a purpose...
Ahh...
The reason you're on a quest to find the Dragon Ballz is because you all get one wish from the Dragon.
Spanner wants to have the ultimate Kawaii bows… and a new spanner.
DalekSam wants to be the ultimate Thrash Metal player in the whole galaxy.
DAGarden wants to make the ultimate S3K hack.
MarkeyJester wants the ability to transverse universal boundaries and match wits and intellect only with people who he knows are on a certain level—his.
MainMemory wants to be cool again. You know, before the Fire Nation attacked.
vladikcomper wants to be able to talk in a perfect New York accent.
SuperEgg wants a 12-inch dick as opposed to a 9½-inch one.
There, are you guys happy?
"Yeah. Thanks, Narrator."
Anyways, the gang went back to working on MainMemory's ship, in hopes of being able to fix the damn thing. With MainMemory still out like a light, will our heroes be able to fix the ship? Will the ship's name be changed? Will there be more fourth wall breakage? Stay tuned to find out. Same Bat-time, same Bat-channel.
"This story was incredibly gay and lacked… 'Germanism'."
-Selbi and Oerg and SonicVaan and any German ever.