Disclaimer: I don't own the Legend of Zelda. If I did… xD
"The Oblivion of Men" is rated "T" for some adult themes. Meh, this could probably be "K+", but...I won't say anything further. xD

The Oblivion of Men
A Legend of Zelda Fanfiction

"Link? You are getting up, aren't you? It's past noon!"

No answer.

Zelda sighed. The boy—yes, until he woke up at a decent hour Zelda would continue to call him a boy—could sleep through a tornado even if it ripped through his house. She glanced down at the basket filled with laundry. Considering all of Link's shirts were stained from playing hide-and-seek with the Kikwis every afternoon, it would be quite the hassle indeed. Was she really condemning herself to an entire day of hopeless scrubbing? She'd develop carpal tunnel at this rate. Unless….Zelda smiled mischeviously.

"Link, I'm going to make you do laundry if you don't get your lazy butt out of bed!"

She heard a crash and a thump as her beloved fell out of bed. The crash would be the sound of Link falling to the floor as he attempted to get out of bed as quickly as humanly possible. The thump indicated him smacking his noggin on the corner of the end table as he misjudged how far away it was, again. Seriously. Zelda was shocked he didn't have any brain damage.

…well, serious brain damage at least.

Amazing how the threat of chores could get a man up and ready in seconds.

…well, he was supposed to be ready.

"I'm…here!" Link managed between massive gasps of air. Zelda raised an eyebrow at him. Some hero. There was a red mark with a trickle of blood not quite concealed by messy brown bed-head—didn't that hurt, Link?—from where he slammed his head against the table not too long ago. Instead of the green tunic that was his normal wear, he wore a light-pink shirt that looked too small on him—oh hey, that's where Zelda's shirt went—with…with…um…

"Sweetheart?" Zelda asked delicately.

"What!? I'm here! So don't make me do chores, 'kay?" Link huffed, pouting like a two year old child despite being twenty years older then that. "Besides," he said in a low voice, fiddling with his fingers, "…you know I'll mess it up and you'll laugh at me for the next century." Well, that was because Doofus over here somehow managed to turn his entire white shirt brown. How, Zelda had no idea. She was still trying to figure that one out. Still, Link doing the chores wasn't exactly the issue here…

"Sweetheart…"

"It's not my fault the shirt was brown, you see, because as I was washing the laundry there was an ever-so-beautiful butterfly that just happened to land on a lilypad in the river and it was just so beautiful that I thought of you because you're so pretty just like the butterfly and…"

"Link!" Zelda shouted this time as her earlier tone of sarcasm/disbelief apparently didn't registered. He stopped rambling for a moment and glanced at her, giant blue eyes wide as if he was a puppy who just did something naughty in the house. She giggled. He was just so darn cute.

"You're not wearing any pants."

Link glanced down at himself, his face turning a brighter red than the color of his Loftwing as he realized that his entire lower body was not covered in clothing and there for the entire Surface to see. He said a very naughty word that Zelda would not repeat in front of children and dashed back into the bedroom before she could humiliate him any further.

Unable to resist, Zelda began to laugh, her entire body shaking as her jubilant chortles filled the entire space of the Sealed Grounds.

By the way, speaking of Link turning a brighter red than his Loftwing...

Zelda heard a sharp bird call, the call of Cerise, Link's beloved pet. He was calling for his master. (He had a different call when he was calling for his mate, Zelda's Loftwing Medina) Zelda frowned. Link wasn't going anywhere today, was he? She didn't want to be overbearing so she only knew what he did 23 ½ hours out of the day, but…

"What's up, Cerise?" Zelda asked the Loftwing. Clearly Link was too involved with the loss of his dignity to come back out in front of her so quickly. Cerise continued his call as if ignoring Zelda completely. Zelda gave a huff. The nerve. "Cerise…" she repeated. Again, despite the fact that she was closer to the entrance where he was waiting outside, Cerise completely ignored her, squawking over and over again.

"Cerise!" Zelda called, throwing open the doors to the Sealed Grounds and placing her hands on her hips, narrowing her eyes at the bird. Taken aback, Cerise gave a startled squawk! as his eyes widened just as his master's had moments ago. He quickly turned away from her…but not quick enough as Zelda glimpsed a piece of paper in his beak. "What do you have there?" She asked in "you're-in-big-trouble-young-man" voice. Cerise quickly spread his wings, almost catapulting off the ground as he attempted to fly away.

Oh no you don't!

"Medina!" Zelda gave a sharp whistle of her own. Within seconds, Medina appeared gracefully beside Cerise, as if she knew what Zelda wanted her to do without Zelda even having to ask aloud. Even still, Zelda wanted the satisfaction of saying it.

"Get him."

Completely weak against Medina, just like her Link was vulnerable against her—some sort of manly pride about not wanting to "hurt" a woman…please—Cerise's flight slowed drastically. Although he could fly much faster than Medina, he froze as if stopped dead in the sky. She may not understand their bird calls, but Zelda knew Medina nagged Cerise even more than she nagged Link. Medina spread her wings majestically in front of her mate, saying something in various squawks chirps and whistles. Zelda was no expert in the language of Loftwings, but she was pretty certain Medina was saying something along the lines of "Drop it now, Buster, or you're going to regret it." Within seconds, Cerise gave the equivalent of a whimper and opened his beak, allowing Medina to snatch it and deliver it right to Zelda. Hah. Success.

"Thank you, my dear little Loftwing," Zelda said triumphantly as Medina gave a victorious call of her own, her wings still spread as a show of dominance. Now. What was this piece of paper Cerise was trying so hard to hide from her? Rather, what was Link keeping a secret from her? The piece of paper, a bit wrinkled due to the tight grip Cerise had on it, was actually a small envelope. Zelda recognized the design from Skyloft. So Link was writing to someone on Skyloft? That was fine, but why would he try to keep from her? He couldn't be writing to his mistress, could he? Zelda laughed aloud. No, that would be ridiculous. He wasn't the type. Sure, he was attractive, but he was more romantically awkward than a pancake. Besides, he was loyal to Zelda. His sweet, beautiful Zelda…no woman could possible compare!

To My Darling Link

...

...

...

...

...

"LINK!" Zelda screamed, her voice so loud it echoed throughout the entirety of the Surface. Cerise visibly winced, hiding his head behind his feathery wings."What's wrong!?" Link said, appearing within seconds, sword drawn, although his menacing presence didn't seem so menacing at all as his face was still ripe with embarrassment. He quickly scanned the area astutely for enemies, obviously sensing a malicious aura in the vicinity. After unable to detect the evil—which was a rarity for him, usually his sense was right on—he turned to Zelda. "Where's the enemy? Is it…oh." Link quickly dropped his sword and held his hands up as a sign of surrender as he realized the rage wasn't coming from a Bokoblin, but his Zelda.

"Explain this," Zelda growled, holding up the letter right in front of his clueless face. If she was in a movie, game, or cartoon, she'd have flames of pure hostility blaring behind her. Link gave a visible gulp as he noticed what she was clenching in her fist. He tried to tiptoe back…

"Medina…"

The giant female Loftwing spread her wings again, this time thoroughly getting in the way of Link's only escape route. He was trapped and he better start explaining himself ASAP or Zelda was going to take his sword and stick it up his rear. Link rubbed the back of his head sheepishly, the light pink tinge shining even brighter than before as he glanced down at the ground.

"I can explain. Really…I just…Peatrice…"

"PEATRICE!?" Zelda screamed, ripping the letter in half and getting right in Link's face. "You mean to tell me that you are cheating on me with Peatrice!? That stupid, ugly broad with a mole on her face bigger than the size of Skyloft and ZERO personality!?"

"Whoa, Zel, that's a little harsh for you," Link started, quickly raising his hands in defeat as Zelda came within centimeters of biting his nose. She could see various excuses and explanations whizzing around that empty skull of his. He bit on his bottom lip hard feverishly, desperately trying to think of a way how he could wriggle his way out of this one.

"You have five seconds to explain yourself before I end you."

"I...I…" More and more excuses, probably stupid ones like they "accidentally" ran into each other and had dinner or that they "connected" because she kept track of the items he couldn't carry with him so she always had a "piece" of him with her or something equally mushy and cheesy. Whatever he said, Zelda was going to enjoy watching him squirm.

"I'M SORRY!" Link suddenly screamed, collapsing to the ground, his head buried in his hands. "I should have told you, I'm so stupid…" his voice was muffled and quavering. Wait a minute, his voice was…shaking? Was he…? No. That was impossible. Link never cried.

"I swear on my life that there's nothing between us and I never cheated on you. I promise you, I really do," Link continued, now his entire body was shaking from emotional tremors. "It's just…when she said she loved me, she seemed so lonely and I didn't want to hurt her feelings because I hate seeing girls cry and I thought if I just sent her a letter every couple months or so saying nice things about her that would make her happy because you know everyone used to pick on her because as you said she's not really the best looking girl and she's really awkward so I just told her things I read out of a romance self-help book and complimented her so she would gain self-esteem and eventually have the courage to find a real boyfriend but I never said that I loved her or anything because I always felt guilty because I have you and I love you and I didn't want you to think I really loved her because I don't I swear I just don't want her to be sad because I don't think anyone should be sad and I'm really, really, really sorry!"

He said that all in one, rambly breath.

Zelda gave a deep sigh, pinching the bridge of her nose. How could she stay angry at him after that response? Link had been here on the Surface with Zelda ever since he rescued her from Demise, so obviously he wasn't actually cheating on her. Link's best quality was his genuine kindness. No matter how cruel anyone was to him—and some of the brats in Skyloft really were horrible to him in his childhood—he always wanted to help people. That endearing quality, while it got him in trouble a lot because people would take advantage of him and treat him like a doormat, was why she loved him so much. Her expression softening, she placed a hand on his shuddering shoulder.

"Hey," she said in a gentle voice. "Tell you what…if you swear to me that you never say anything like 'I love you' to her in your letters, I'll help you write them until she finds a real boyfriend. Deal?"

"Really?" He asked in a childish voice, raising his head and looking up at her with the cutest puppy-dog look ever. Zelda was happy to see that thankfully Link hadn't been actually crying, he must just have been on the verge of it. "You'll help me?"

"Mm-hmm," Zelda hummed, tapping him lightly on the nose. "I think you're doing a real kind thing, helping her when no one else will. It's one of the reasons I love you so much. Besides…" she leaned down, planting a tender kiss on his forehead, right on top of the still-scorching crimson mark from where he hit his head on the table, "I think any heartfelt sentences from a real woman will sound a lot better than whatever nonsense is written in those self-help books."

"Probably," he said with an embarrassed chuckle, giving his trademark sheepish rub on the back of his head. "You know I'm not really good with that stuff."

"Considering you came up with the nickname 'Clucky Wucky Poo' for me, yeah, I noticed." She kissed his hair again, loving his scent of hay and grass. "I'll help you…but on one condition."

"Hmm?" Link asked, pulling her down to his level and into a tight embrace.

"Tell me how the hell you became her 'boyfriend' in the first place."

"Well…"

~Four Years Earlier~

"GEWACHOO! RAWGHWACHOO! SNLACHOO! YEAWWCHOO!"

"Master, I have determined that there is a 99% chance that the sand from the Lanaryu Mining Facility has irritated your nasal passages and caused an involuntary reaction. After consulting with my encyclopedic functions, I have determined that this human phenomenon is called an 'allergy.' I would highly recommend blowing your nose and staying away from any future irritants in order to allow your nose to recover."

"Thanks, Fi," Link grumbled in-between sniffles. Like it took a well-programmed robot to figure that obvious tidbit out. "I hadn't noticed."

"Judging on past behavior, there is a 70% chance that your last sentence was 'sarcasm.' Sarcasm is a human behavior that entails…"

"I know, I know, I know,Fi," Link waved his hand at her before quickly rubbing his nose again. Great. Just great. He was never going into hell-hole again. Heck, he was shocked he didn't defeat Moldarach by sneezing on him to death. How in Hylia's name was he supposed to know that he was allergic to sand? Seriously, who's allergic to sand? Speaking of which, he made a mental note to get an old cloth from his room at the Academy. Things got so bad he almost had to use his Sailcloth as a hankie and Zelda would certainly not appreciate that.

"Master, there is a 99% that you are sneezing incorrectly. According to my analysis, the proper sound is 'ah-choo.'"

Oh, so there was a proper way to sneeze now. Who knew.

"I get it, I sneeze weird," Link grumbled, rubbing his nose on his sleeve and holding back another sneeze before his sword-spirit made fun of him again. Seriously, as helpful as Fi was most times, she had absolutely no common sense. At times like this, a simple "off button" or "sleep feature" would suffice. He considered going to his dorm room at the Academy and waiting until his sneezing fit ended before running his errands, but…

"You were late."

Link shuddered. Even though that happened awhile ago and the situation had changed since then, Link couldn't forget those words that echoed throughout his very soul. No, he didn't have time for that. He had to run his errands, stock up on supplies, and head right back out and get Zelda back. It was just a little sneezing fit. It was annoying, sure, but it wasn't life-threatening to say the least. Hell, even if it was life-threatening, he still wouldn't rest. He didn't care what happened to him as long as Zelda was safe.

"Master, given your condition, I would highly recommend resting in your bedroom for the day, so that you may…"

"I'm fine, Fi," Link cut her off in a confident voice, walking into the Bazaar. If she could, Fi would sigh, because although she knew Link said "I'm fine," it sounded like "I'b fibe."

"Hey dear, do you want some potions?" Luv called from her usual spot. Her voice was usually stern and her words were harsh, but she always gave fair rates and even gave him a free potion when he crawled in with a giant hole in his gut. Link did want some potions, but a quick glance in his adventure pouch revealed that it was full. Hmm, he had money now, so he probably didn't need the Rupee Medal anymore. Perhaps he'd leave it at the Item Check and elect to get a potion…which one? A Heart Potion? A Stamina Potion? So many decisions…

"Gi-gi…" Link started to say, desperately trying to hold back what felt like the nine hundredth sneeze of this hour. Breathe, Link. Breathe. In, out. In, out. In, out. He chuckled quietly to himself, remembering a time when they were kids…

"Gah, I have to sneeze," five-year-old Link grumbled, dropping the ball he was playing with. He had the most adorably amusing expression on his face. His little nose was all scrunched up and the lines of his forehead were pressed together. Zelda huffed at her best friend and put her hands on her hips as she was annoyed that he didn't throw her the ball. She was exasperated for a moment, but that feeling quickly faded and a toothy grin spread across her face at the sight of the ridiculous look on his face.

"Think of a cow!" She called.

Link frowned. "What's a cow?"

She giggled. "Who knows?"

"What do you mean 'who knows'? How can I think about something that I don't know?"

Zelda wagged her finger, still giggling away with that giant grin on her face. Her front two teeth were missing because she smacked her teeth on a tree when she was playing tree-house with Link. Now it was Link's turn to exasperatedly put his hands on his hips and frown at his friend.

"It doesn't matter! You don't have to sneeze anymore, right?" Zelda grinned.

Link almost wanted to sneeze just to prove her wrong.

"Think of a cow, Link!"

Link sighed, closing his eyes for a brief moment and letting himself focus on Zelda's comforting words. Just the very thought of her, even if it was a silly memory that he was certain Zelda herself didn't remember, filled him with peace. He had no idea what a cow was or what it looked like, but he was sure it must be something just as beautiful as his memory associated with it. With that, he was thankfully able to stop himself from sneezing gunk all over the place…for now, at least.

"Give me a Heart Potion, please, Luv. Bertie, I'd like you to spruce it up with some bugs I caught. Could you please get that started while I stop by the Item Check?"

"Sure thing, hon. BERTIE!" She screamed, proceeding to shout Link's order at the top of her lungs as if Bertie was deaf and didn't hear the request when Link said it himself. Link gave a small chuckle as he handed over the insects to Bertie who was visibly wincing from his overbearing wife. Link wondered if his marriage was going to be like that.

I wonder how much Zelda will nag me? I'm really bad at a lot of things and I can see her teasing me when I burn the food and…

Link ducked, hiding his red face of shame behind his arm as he was glad he had his allergies as an excuse to rub his nose on his sleeve. Married? With Zelda? What was he thinking? Why would Zelda marry him of all people? He was clumsy, bad at Math (screw numbers to hell), air-headed—scatterbrained too for that matter—awkward with girls other than Zelda, couldn't flirt or say something sexy to save his life, not the greatest looking guy with overly large lips, and worst of all, he was always sleeping and had his head in the clouds, lost in his own imagination.

But…then again…why wouldn't Zelda marry him? They had been best friends for life. And he had some good qualities, granted, not many, but still.

He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't realize he had the dorkiest grin on his face and the color of his face rivaled the color of his Loftwing as he approached the Item Check.

"I'm going to check this Rupee Medal, tee hee…" Link said dreamily, his head in la-la land yet again. He was having a rather nice fantasy of Zelda in a small, tight pink apron feeding him bits of her warm, delicious pumpkin soup made just for him.

"Hey. Welcome to the Item Check. Oh, it's you. You know, you're the only one who comes by here regularly. Wait a minute…those flushed cheeks…that expression…could it be...? Could you be here to see me? Could it be that someone as handsome as you with those bushy eyebrows and giant lips plump enough for kissing is here to see me? Could you always be coming in here because you like me?"

Link, still completely lost in his fantasy, retained his lovesick expression with flushed cheeks and a satisfied grin. As a matter of fact, he was so lost in his dreams that he completely forgot about the annoyance that had been bugging him all day. With no sense of control…

"YEA-" Crap! Link quickly stifled the sneeze, Fi's comments about his sneeze being weird echoing throughout his mind and causing a major inferiority sneeze complex. He managed to end the sneeze with a soft, muffled choo that was barely above a whisper. Humiliated, Link's cheeks turned an even brighter shade of red. Link gave an embarrassed chuckle, attempting to mask his loud sniffles and to salvage his dignity. He finally looked at Peatrice, the Item Check girl, his bashful smile peeking out from behind his arm. To his shock, Peatrice looked…elated. Like she'd just experienced the most glorious thing in her life.

"You said 'yeah!' I…I knew it. You are here to see me. That means you love me! Oh happy day! Oh happy day indeed!"

Wait, what? Link was royally confused.

"Fi," he whispered in a low voice, his voice thankfully still muffled behind his arm. "What the heck is going on?"

"There is a 99% chance that you just accidentally affirmed your love for the Item Check girl, Peatrice," Fi stated in a low voice so only Link could hear. "I would highly recommend not telling Zelda about this."

Screw Ghirahim.

Zelda was going to be the death of him.

~Present Day~

"BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! I can't believe…you mean to tell me…WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!"

Link frowned. Zelda had been laughing for the past fifteen minutes since he told her his story about how he and Peatrice became pen-pals. He knew she'd get a kick out of the story—it really was quite ridiculous, now that he thought about it some more—but still. It had been kind of endearing watching her laugh hysterically for the first minute or so, but after that it got to be a little old, fast.

"I get it, I'm an idiot," Link grumbled.

"Oh, goddesses. That's great. Whoo." She giggled lightly, wiping tears of joy out of her eyes. She grinned mischievously at Link, flicking him gently on the nose. "So, knowing you, you panicked because you didn't want to hurt her feelings and you didn't want to admit that you'd been sneezing all day, so you ran off without saying a word with an embarrassed expression on your face causing her to believe that you did in fact like her and you were shy about it."

"Pretty much," Link mumbled under his breath, pulling himself into a ball position and resting his head on his knees. "Like you said, I panicked. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to hurt her feelings because, y'know, I don't like seeing girls cry, so I thought if I avoided her I wouldn't have to deal with the issue. Well, she started writing to me using Cerise and said how happy she was because all the kids made fun of her and she thought she was too ugly to get a boyfriend, so she was really happy that I liked her. I decided then to support her through letters while she gained some self-confidence."

Zelda, unable to resist her urges anymore, snuggled up beside him, rubbing her cheek lovingly against his. He was so sweet, her Link. Any other guy would have rejected Peatrice harshly or never wrote back to her. But Link…he cared. He truly cared about other people. Sure, she wasn't exactly thrilled with the idea of her man pretending to be the boyfriend of another woman, but in this case…she supposed she could forgive him.

"I love you," she whispered, kissing Link tenderly on the cheek. He smiled, nuzzling her fondly and pulled her into a deep, passionate kiss.

"I love you too."

As the two were lost in each other's love and sweet company, the letter that Zelda had torn blew in the soft Surface breeze...

To My Darling Link,

How are you today? How is the weather like on the Surface? I love when you tell me about when it rains. I would love to experience a rainstorm. I'm sure it is just as spectacular today. This will be my last letter to you. I am proud to say that I have found a boyfriend to love and call my own. I know you may be surprised by this…but I've always known that you were just being nice and your heart belonged to Zelda. Because…even when we were kids, I could see the way you looked at her. I know you're living with her now. She is a great woman. You always seem so happy, so I am sure she treats you well. When I confessed my love to you, you could have been like any other boy in my life. You could have called me ugly and said hell no you would never date a boring, plain girl like me. But instead, you showed me kindness, even when you didn't love me. For that, I will be eternally grateful. It was because of your letters that I was able to find myself and gather up the courage to talk to a boy that I can love without feeling like I am stealing him away from his precious eternal partner. Your letters have brought me great courage and strength. For that, I will always thank you. But you don't have to be nice to me anymore. I'm fine. I will be just fine.

Sincerely,

Peatrice

PS: I read Love, Life, and Pleasure: A Skyloftian's Guide to the Other Sex and I found it to be most helpful. I can see where you got your smooth moves from. ;)

~Fin~

I think that I just wrote my favorite one-shot ever. Wow. I'm actually really proud of this.

This was inspired by the Item Check Girl quest. I was actually torn when I did the quest, because I was scared to reject her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings (I know, wtf, Spot?) and I thought Link would have the same dilemma. So I came up with this little story.

Btw, "think of a cow" is actually something my childhood best friend used to tell me. I don't talk to her anymore (we grew apart with time) but I wanted to pay tribute to her and I think of her all the time. I still say it now!

Please leave a review and tell me what you think! It would fill my heart with rainbows and daisies. :)

Thanks for reading! :D