Soul searching

by wilsonstories

"If you really believed that you wouldn't be so dead set on doing it." Sonny thinking about what his mother said.

Sonny's POV

I hear myself say it again. I tell everyone that nothing is going to change. Will and I are getting married but everything is going to stay the same. And then I hear my mum's last words:

"If you really believed that you wouldn't be so dead set on doing it."

I listen to the familiar sound of Will's even breath, as I am trying to avoid thinking about the words she spoke before she left. Will stirs and rolls on his side while his arms hugs my stomach close and I sigh, knowing I have to do some soul searching here. My mum is right. Why do I want to get married so bad? Obviously because I think it will make me happy. Happier than I am now, so then that suggests I expect something to change. My eyes stare into the dark room while my brain ponders around in circles. Why do I want to marry him so badly? What does it really mean to me? What am I hoping for? My mind wonders through the moments we had together that are safely locked away in my heart.

(...1...)

Today we move in together. His boxes are scattered around my studio apartment, and I smile when I see him filling up his drawers and cupboards. I said to him to just put everything where he wanted it to go, and every minute my apartment feels more like home to the both of us. While he is displaying his toiletries in the bathroom I hug him from behind:

"You seem to know exactly where things should go."

He places his cologne next to mine and we both smile. He turns around in my arms and nuzzles his nose against my neck:

"I am a genius... I know that toiletries should go into the bathroom... Einstein was no-one compared to me..."

I wrap him up safely and kiss his temple:

"Should I be intimidated?"

He shakes his head and we let go with a sigh. I look at the few boxes left and suggest:

"Shall I go for some take out?"

He nods and waves around:

"I'll be finished when you are back."

When I come home about an hour later, after running in to my mum and and after speaking to Will's great grandma Caroline while waiting for the take out order to be ready, Will already has two plates on the table. I put the bags in the kitchen en while I put my coat away I hear his voice:

"You got all my favourites."

When I turn around he is opening all the bags to see what I brought home. He is obviously enthusiastic and I cannot help but smile when he stalls everything out on the table.

"Will, everything will get cold this way..."

He just shrugs and then holds up a small box with some of his favourite, chicken nuggets:

"You do love me..."

I walk over to him and hug him close by his waist. His eyes are twinkling and lighter than ever. We just look at each other and then he says softly:

"I am all moved in..."

"Good..."

"You still sure this is what you want?"

His blue eyes shine with insecurity that I see every so often. I kiss his cheek and nod towards the chicken nuggets:

"I don't like those."

He smiles softly and whispers:

"So I was right...?"

To others this is playful conversation. To him this is needed confirmation so I lift up my hand and turn his head so he has to look at me. My thumb strokes his cheek and I answer:

"I want to bring home chicken nuggets for you... for the rest of my life."

(...2...)

We came home from the hospital yesterday. Will is still using his pain killers, so Gabi and I have been up over night to look after Ari. I love having her in my arms and sing her soft lullabies. Even though she isn't mine, she is mine. And every time I look into her sweet little face I see the resembling she has with Will. Ari looks up at me while happily drinking her bottle when Will walks into the living room. I look up at him and smile:

"Morning."

He leans down and kisses my lips softly and then he moves to Ari's forehead. I look at his handsome face and say my millionth thank you that he is home safely.

"You sleep OK?"

He just nods.

"Still in pain?"

He shrugs and I am not sure why he is barely responding. I decide to let it go and ask:

"You want to finish the bottle?"

He nods again and I carefully put her in his arms. The way they look at each other is absolutely everything to me. Her eyes are transfixed on his face and he seems totally in love with the little bundle in his arms. I kiss his cheek and tell him I have to go to the coffee house. While at work I try to figure out why he was so quiet this morning, and when I cannot figure it out I decide we have to talk about it tonight. I text him several times today and each time he responds immediately, sending cute pictures of Ari to brighten up my day. When I come home in the evening he just finished giving her a bottle and together we take her to bed. She almost immediately falls asleep and we both stare at her for a while. I just have to say it:

"She is so beautiful... just like you..."

He blushes. And his shyness radiates into the room. I just smile and reach out to hold his hand:

"I love you."

His eyes meet mine and I see a question in them. He looks down at Ari again and then seems to want to shrug it off. Hand in hand we walk into the living room and he asks:

"Busy day?"

"Yeah..."

I just look at him and he finally says:

"What..."

"What is up with you today..."

"What do you mean..."

"I don't know... this morning you barely said anything and now again... "

He turns around and leans his hands on the kitchen. Finally I hear him say softly:

"Is this really what you want?"

I am next to him in two seconds and with my hands on his hips I turn him around to face me. I try to say what is in my heart, but I need a minute to organise my thoughts. So instead I lean forward and kiss him. When I let go I shake my head:

"Why do you ask me that?"

He shrugs and waves towards the closed bedroom door, behind which Ari is sleeping:

"We are looking after a baby... you know."

"Yeah... I know."

His eyes meet mine and I shake my head again:

"Don't you ever think this is not what I want. I love you, and I love that little girl... She makes me think of you... and I feel like her dad... I have never been so happy in my life, Will."

He stares into my eyes as if he needs to make sure I am speaking the truth. Finally his hands come up and hide in my hair. His strong hands pull me close and I feel his lips on mine again. His tongue demands entrance which I give without hesitation. When he lets go I have to catch my breath and he whispers against my lips:

"Promise me you will tell me if you ever have second thoughts..."

I shake my head and say with all the determination in me:

"I will never ever have second thoughts... ever."

(...3...)

Sometimes I wonder how one person can be so kind, and care so much about other people. His heart is too big for his own good. For weeks now he has been beating himself up for his past mistakes. And every day he seems to be more and more convinced that everything bad that happens is his fault. He feels guilty for his mum being in prison and the guilt seems to tear him apart. I don't understand how someone who is so kind to others, can be so hard on himself. We are on our way to the court room where we have to testify. He is nervously playing with his tie until I reach over and pull his hand on my thigh.

"We are going to be alright Will."

"Yeah..."

I look at the clock in my dashboard and see that we have plenty of time. I pull over on an empty car park and shuffle in my chair so I can face him:

"Look at me babe..."

He shakes his head and looks out of the window.

"OK fine, don't look at me... but you are going to listen to me."

He doesn't move, he just blinks a few times and I reach out to put both my hands on his left thigh:

"You worry about everyone and blame yourself for everything. And I think you should be kind to yourself."

He doesn't shout, but he does raise his voice when he interrupts me:

"How do I do that Sonny, when my mum is in prison, my dad went to prison, all because of me..."

My hands move up and cup his face. He pulls back but I don't let him go and turn his face to look at me:

"OK, you seem determined to hate yourself... but I am your boyfriend and I disagree with you. So I am just going to love you for your unending kindness for everyone. I think you are a beautiful person and I am so happy to be with you. And while you are unable to love yourself, I will do it for you..."

His perfect blue eyes are swimming in tears and even though he blinks he cannot hold them back. They roll over his cheeks and my thumbs while I try to stroke them away. When he calmed down he whispers with a shaky voice:

"Thank you..."

I bite my bottom lip as emotions are running through me:

"Never thank me for that..."

"I never... No-one ever did that for me... love me like that."

I lean in because I just have to kiss him. It is barely a kiss, more a tender touch between our lips and we both smile a little when we look at each other. He sighs deeply:

"Are you sure this is what you want?"

I raise my eyebrows. He makes a helpless movement with his hands and explains:

"Being with me means you have to go to court, it means you have to deal with my mum's messes."

I can't help but laugh and then I shuffle back behind the steering wheel:

"I don't love you because of what your mum does, I love you despite of it..."

"Sorry..."

"No no no, you never apologise for anyone else... never."

He nods and suddenly he leans over and his lips are on my cheek:

"I don't deserve you, but I am very happy to have you... don't ever leave me..."

I smile my happy goofy grin and while I put the car into gear I promise:

"I'll never leave you."

(...4...)

His boots are gone. I grab mine and his coat and haste myself to the river. From far away I know he is uncomfortable, angry, and fighting with himself. After the old man left I soon hear what he is fighting with:

"Did he deserve to die..."

He shoots the question at me, while his eyes seem to look straight through me. I tell him I don't know and all he does is firing another question:

"What do you think happens first, do you drown first or freeze first."

His blue eyes, usually light blue, are dark with emotions. I can see in his face and his posture that he is trying to figure this out. He is trying to understand what has happened and he is trying to understand his own feelings about the situation. It is the little things that tell me how he feels, the way he pinches his nose, the little frown between his eyes, the way he bites his bottom lip. And during all that, defeat is visible in his shoulders. They hang slightly lower than usual, and I cannot imagine how tired he must be from putting up with the things his mother is involved in. There is another nose pinch and suddenly I pull him in my arms. I try to wrap myself around him, in an attempt to shield him from the world:

"Let's go home."

He feels slightly stiff in my arms, not yet willing to let go. He does follow me to our cars though. When we come home I let him be, knowing he needs some space. But after a few hours, when he leans against the kitchen and his eyes seem bigger than his face, I know he needs a hug. And while I hold him close I realise we barely spoke today, and yet we had endless conversations.

"I love you..."

"I love you too..."

I feel his heart beat against mine and after a while our heart beats seem to beat together as one. He leans his face in the crook of my neck and I listen to his whisper:

"How do you always know what to do..."

I stroke his back and smile:

"Because I know you... I know all the little things... I can read you like a book."

His arms squeeze my waist closer and he sighs happily:

"I like that..."

I hear him take a breath and this time I am faster:

"Don't you dare ask..."

"How did you know..."

"Because you always ask me if this is what I want in moments like this..."

"So?"

I am silent for a moment, feeling his body pressed against mine, his arms around me, and mine around him. Our heartbeats together, and his breath stroking my neck. I lean back so I can look into his blue eyes, which are now lighter that they were before, and I nod happily:

"This is exactly what I want..."

(...)

I wake up. I must have fallen asleep while I was thinking about my reasons to marry Will. I stretch my arms, but the bed is empty next to me. I sigh in disappointment as I am not able to get my morning cuddle. I eventually decide to take a shower. About an hour later I have also had my breakfast and I frown when I hear a knock on the door. I open and am not sure what to feel when I see my mother standing in the door opening. She smiles apologetically and I gesture for her to come in.

"Hi babe..."

"Mum... why are you here?"

"I came to apologise..."

"Again?"

She looks at the floor and I realise I am being very unkind to my own mother:

"Sorry..."

"No, you're not wrong... I just wanted to say that if you really want to do this, than I will be behind you."

I smile:

"Thank you... and I do want to do this."

She nods and even though her words were nice I see a slight disappointment cover her face. When she looks up she asks:

"I have to ask why though... why rush..."

I shake my head, never letting go of her eyes. Then I let my hand go through my thick dark hair and suddenly I know the answer:

"Mum, yesterday you asked the same. And then you said something about me being dead set on marrying Will, so I must expect something to change? I thought about it overnight and you know why I want to marry Will...? Because I want to know his favourite food so I can bring home chicken nuggets just because he likes them... I want to marry him because I love his daughter, and together we are this lovely family, and that makes me so very happy... And I want to marry him because I want to look after him. I want to take care of him when he forgets to do that while he is busy caring for others... And I want to marry him because I want to know him inside out. I want to know all the little things he does, I want to know what he wants without him asking for it."

She seems not to have an answer so I continue:

"And I know I can do all of that while we are not married. But I want to do it forever... I still think nothing will change when Will and I get married. But I am dead set on doing it... only because I want nothing to change... forever."

I am whispering by now, overwhelmed by emotions. I see the tears in my mum's eyes and she nods:

"OK... OK..."

She pulls me in for a hug, but almost immediately she pulls back:

"Will..."

I turn around I see him standing in the doorway, biting his bottom lip.

"I'm sorry... I didn't mean to listen in... I just walked in..."

When my eyes meet his I know he heard everything and I just walk towards him and smile. I pull him close and let our foreheads rest together. He whispers:

"Is that why you want to get married... for nothing to change forever?"

I nod, unable to speak. He kisses me with perfect dominance and when he lets go of my lips he smiles. The twinkling in his eyes tells me he is going to tease me:

"So I guess this is really what you want..."

I smile and shake my head:

"When are you going to believe me."

Suddenly the teasing twinkle is gone and he is serious again:

"I believe you..."

"Finally."

"And just for the record..."

"What?"

"If it is up to me... nothing is going to change forever."

I bite my bottom lip and whisper shakily:

"Good."

Then we hear my mum cough discretely:

"I guess I'll be going."

We walk her out and then we are just together. Will grabs two note pads and gives me one, including a pen.

"What are we going to do..."

He pushes me on the couch and smiles:

"You were on a roll there, so you are going to write your vows."

"So what are you going to do..."

He shrugs and scribbles something down. Then he holds up his pad and says:

"I am done... I am referring to a wise man."

I grab his notepad and read out loud:

"I want to marry you so nothing will change forever... you stole my line."

"I did not, I am referring to you..."

I look at his twinkling eyes and suddenly the note pads are on the floor and Will is stretched out on the couch, while I am straddling his hips. My hands are skilfully opening his buttons, while I feel his hands pushing underneath my shirt. When I impatiently move my hips he whispers from the friction. After we have shed our clothes and I am lying in between his legs, kissing his chest while his hands make a mess of my hair, I suddenly feel how he cups my face. I look at him and he smiles:

"Don't worry, I will write my own vows..."

"You better..."

"But don't expect poetry or anything..."

I crawl up so I can kiss him deeply. When I let go I breath against his lips:

"I'll tell you what I want, Horton..."

"What's that."

"I just want you to say 'I do' when the pastor asks you if you want to take me as your husband."

I am drowning in his blue eyes and just before I catch his lips in a deep searing kiss he whispers:

"Don't worry Kiriakis... I won't mess up..."

A huge thank you to all of you reading, reviewing, and liking. Your reviews are so sweet and kind! I hope you all like this one. I know I usually write the same kind of stories, so I hope you don't get bored with them!