So I wasn't going to do one after the finale, I so wasn't. But then the idea got stuck in my head and even entered my sleep and I knew I had to write it down.
Don't know yet where I'll end up but this is the beginning. And hoping you'll follow me on this journey.

He's still here. Even if at this moment it's just physically, he's still here, still breathing and still keeping his promise to her. She can't help the little smile, cause when they had finally gotten to them, she wasn't that sure he was still with them. But she had found a heartbeat and her entire world had lightened up again. Although not for long. First it was the wait whether he would make it or not, but doctors soon came with the positive news that he would recover. Physically at least, the mental part was another matter. But this was Deeks, the guy who seemingly didn't know depression or sadness. How wrong she had been. The moment he had woken up and was coherent enough to realize where he was and what happened, her world had darkened again. He didn't want to see anyone, no he didn't want to see anyone from the team. He did allow the medical staff in, but whenever Callen, Hetty or herself made their presence known inside the room he threw a fit until they left. In the end they relented and stayed away from him, at least when he was awake. He never said anything about when he was sleeping and that is why she's sitting in a dark hospital room, surrounded by the typical noises and smells. A midst all of this is her partner, sound asleep. She's been sitting at his bedside like this for roughly 3 days. She had hoped he would have given in by now, but he hadn't. He kept refusing to see them and right now she hoped Hetty would come up with a idea.

It's pathetic to hope that their boss would come up with an idea, but she was never good at these things. Emotions usually were things she steered away from and right now they were the very reason she's watching a sleeping partner. Something went horribly wrong for him and right now they are witnessing it's consequences. At least Sam allowed them inside his hospital room, but he wasn't talking either. Well not about what he went through or witnessed inside that room. To say that Sam and Deeks were best friends was a serious overstatement. There was respect, or at least that's what she figured, right now she's not too sure. Something happened between those two, but she had no idea what. And with Deeks refusing to see them and Sam refusing to talk about it, they had no means to find out. It was driving her crazy and also Callen. Both didn't deal with failure. Failure was something to be forgotten, put away. A bad case meant you had to try harder, train a little more and most importantly learn from your mistakes. But this time they were facing failure inside their own team and neither had an idea how to deal with it.

Noise from the bed make her come back to the present and to its heartbreaking reality. He's clearly having a nightmare, he has a number of then through the night despite the heavy painkillers he's on. So it's time to start the routine she hates so much. Gathering her stuff as quiet as possible, turning towards him. Watching him sleep, without a nightmare has something angelic to it. it's like watching the little kid he used to be. But nightmares don't allow that sight much and he's moving more and more, so she needs to move. Making sure she left nothing behind, she presses the call button and makes her way over to the door. She waits there, just inside the opening until the nurse comes by. She receives an apologetic smile but she can't muster anger towards the nurses. It's not their fault her partner is in some scary place and seems to think he needs to be alone.

The other part of the routine is there as well. Every night Callen leaves Sam and sits in the hallway outside Deeks room. With one intention, to be there when she comes out and most definitely needs someone. Even when it's just to hug her and make empty promises. But this night is different. Callen is still out there waiting for her when she comes out of the room, but there is a small smile on his lips. Her worry about her partner subsides a little, intrigued by what could have their team leader in a better mood. When he hugs her, he shares the good news and her hopes are lifted, if only a little thing.

'Kens, Nate's here.'

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He's not as daft as he looks like, so he's more than aware that his behavior is close to childlike. He's also aware of the fact that it can't last forever. At one point he has to deal with them but not now. Not right now because he simply can't. Right now he doesn't want to see it, the pity in their eyes. Right now he doesn't want to hear it, their questions. Right now he doesn't want to hear their advice, how they would have done differently and not get hurt. Right now he doesn't want to experience the loss he would feel when they sided with Sam. There is not a chance they'll not, they have always done so before, so why would they change that routine? Because he got tortured? No they probably would be proud of their scars and the fact that they survived, so they wouldn't look at him any differently. Beside what Sam said was probably the truth and they'll believe it, agree with it and even give their own opinion about it. So can he be blamed not wanting to hear that?

Still it hurt like hell, even worse than the wounds he had suffered. Unfortunately for him, the words are lodged inside his mind and he can't shake it off. He can't forget them and they haunt him whether he's asleep or awake. The words Sam spoke with such fierceness hurt a lot more than the torture he endure. Strangely enough he can place that, he can direct that towards a complete ass wanting information. He can almost put it off as the normal behavior of sick criminal on the verge of losing it all. Sam's attack however had been personal and while he had constructed a thick wall around his inner core, the words had penetrated with ease and had cut into him, deeply.

He's partly aware of the fact that his actions are probably hurting them, but it serves him right. He can't care about that, they never done before when it concerned him.

And if they think that being alone would coax him out, they are sadly mistaken. Because being alone is not the hardest part of it all. He's been used to it and to be honest he sleeps more then he's awake. It's the memories that are far worse and less easy to shake off. He knows he has to talk to someone, to somewhat get the tension out of his system or he's going to explode. But not right now, he can hold on a little longer, keep it at bay a little while more.

Hetty however seemingly decides differently and he finds that they are using his own words against him. And all of it in the form of Nate. Nate suddenly appearing in his hospital room wearing a coat that labels him as one of the hospital doctors. 'Only medical staff 'he can hear himself say and is ready to curse. That damn woman!

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Sam room has become headquarters for the moment. At least he lets them in and share some small talk with them. He's grateful for that. He's seen enough of the halls of this hospital. But mostly he wants to see the inside of that other room, storm in if he has to. But he doesn't. Deeks made it perfectly clear that he doesn't want to see them and he's respecting that wish. Only his patience is running out. He's not helped by Kensi, who seems to look at him and expect him to come with all the answers. He usually likes that position, being able to guide the younger ones on their way, show them the extent of his knowledge and he actually enjoys it when they learn something.

But right know he's drawing a blank, well in the 'how do we get to Deeks' department. He's never been good at these things. Neither of them actually. It's usually Deeks with a well placed remark or joke that broke the tension and got everyone to breathe again. But right now that's missing and he has no idea how to get back to it. Thankfully their boss is a puppet master and with some carefully pulled strings Nate suddenly turns up in the hospital. A little sleepy, a little more tanned then they are used from him, but he's here and suddenly hope is just around the corner.

Nate has gone off to see Deeks and they all hope he can do something, perform some sort of miracle for them. However it seems like when they run out of luck, they truly run out of luck. Nate is back way sooner than expected and he's not sure what to make of it. He can only try and brace himself for the storm that is about to erupt.

'And' Kensi asks as she gets up from the seat next to Sam's bed. Hope can be heard in her voice, and against all odds he finds himself hoping with her.

'mm, I think it's better to leave him alone a little longer, even when he's asleep.' Nate gently says.

'Why?' she asks, 'what have we done that he doesn't want to see us?'

'I don't think it's just something you guys have done. Everyone reacts differently to things, to torture in this case. While Deeks is strong, he's not dealing with it well. I can't say for sure, but I'm afraid what happened to him when he was little is affecting him. This is not the first time he's pulling away, I wouldn't be surprised that things didn't go his way after his father shooting. That somehow the aftermath of that left a mark on him and he's desperate to avoid that to happen again.'

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Sam is listing to what Nate is saying and his heart constricts. While Nate might be right about the childhood of Deeks, he's pretty sure that not the only part of the story. He's the other part, the reason Deeks doesn't want to see the others. His words still ring inside his mind. It's so difficult to place them, after everything that happened. He's actually starting to feel sick to his stomach when he thinks about it. How proud he is, how confident he is in his own abilities, in the last couple of days Deeks has proven that between the two of them, he's the better man and not Sam Hanna the proud Navy Seal. It's hard swallow but it's the truth and what did they say about the truth? The truth will set you free? More likely leave them more shattered that they already are, but they need to know. There is no rebuilding until everything and every piece is in front of you on the table.

'I don't doubt that Nate' he starts, and he can feel his wife's hand on his shoulder. She knows what he's up to and he's glad at her support.

'But I'm afraid something else is up as well.' He's know more than aware of them looking at him.

'And what's that?'

'I said some things to Deeks' He replies.

' What things?'

'I questioned his character'

TBC