(Author's Note: Well this is my first time writing a parody so I hope it doesn't suck. While I don't encourage writing Sue I won't get mad at Suethors. Half of them don't know they're writing Sue and most are inexperienced writers. Mary Sue is a character that everyone has written at some point or another and if you say otherwise you're a liar.)
Standard Disclaimer: Basically I don't own Prince of Tennis, not that I think anyone would be stupid enough to think I did.
Once upon a time in the universe of Prince of Tennis there were nine tennis players who went to Seishun Gakuen, more commonly referred to as Seigaku.
There was Tezuka Kunimitsu, the captain of the team who many believed to have the personality of a rock, burnt toast, a brick wall, or a stoic person. I'm not completely sure though because people could have thought he had the personality of a stoic person sitting on a rock that was on a collision course with a brick wall while eating burnt toast and still managing to look emotionless…
There was also Fuji Syusuke. He was a genius and a feminine looking male who had sadistic tendencies and smiled, a lot. Half of the team believes that he is some sort of mutant or alien because he can drink Inui Juice without out any negative side effects that can be proven, but there are rumors that Fuji was a very kind person without any traces of sadism before he came in contact with the vile substance…
Next on the list is Oishi Suichiro, the vice captain. He was the mother hen of the group, always worrying about everyone and about everything… And… that's pretty much it for him… Oh! He and Kikumaru Eiji makeup the Golden Pair which is a really good doubles team.
The last member I'll tell you about is Echizen Ryoma. I know that he isn't the last member of the team, but you'd probably get bored if I named each and every member. So I won't. I'll just assume you know who they are… or I might introduce them as they come up… maybe both… or maybe neither… I'll decide that later.
Anyway, Echizen Ryoma was a star tennis player who almost never lost because he was the main character in the manga and anime, but he doesn't know that. He was the son of Echizen Nanjiroh, a famous tennis player. Ryoma was also the only first year regular so he had a lot of trouble with fangirls.
These four men, as well as the other five who I didn't bother mentioning but will make an appearance at some point in time, had no idea what evil fate would befall them, the day They came.
It was a perfectly normal tennis practice. Ryoma was being a smart mouth and crushing everyone at tennis, Oishi was worrying, Fuji was smiling, and Tezuka looked like an unhappy rock. Then they saw her.
An astoundingly beautiful woman with absolutely gorgeous ebony hair, that Snow White would envy, that cascaded perfectly down her back and ending right above her marvelous hips, cherry red lips that made a rose look blue, a divine figure that Aphrodite would kill for, and sparkling emerald green eyes that hinted she was a wonderful person that had a tragic background.
"Hi everyone!" Her voice was like the chorus of a thousand angels. "My name is Sakura Magnificent Astounding Radiant Young Spectacular Unbeatable Excellence, but you can call me Sakura Marysue. I'm Ryoma's cousin who came to Japan as a transfer student who can speak English, French, German, Russian, Swedish, Spanish, Latin, Chinese, Swahili, Hungarian, Arabic, Hebrew, Gaelic, Hawaiian, Portuguese-" I'm just going to cut her off for now because this list will go on for quite awhile if I don't. Just imagine she speaks every language invented. Ever. Including ones that haven't been created yet. Now back to her treacherously long monologue. "-all fluently. I originally came to Japan to visit Ryoma but along the way I'm going to beat everyone at tennis, make each and everyone of you fight over me because you're all in love with me, eventually decide that my presence will only hurt you so I decide to leave, but then you all chase after me begging me not to go so I start telling you about my angst filled past, then we all go home and everything is happy, but not for long because I am so pretty that everyone is jealous so I haven't beat all of the people who despise me and there's still the trouble of deciding who to date so I run away and Oishi runs after me and pushes me out of the way of a speeding car so then he gets fatally wounded and dies so I blame myself and start being depressed and everyone tries to comfort me but I just won't listen, then in the midst of everything I decide I love Tezuka but I think I'm too horrible of a person for him to date and I have to let him be free to travel the world as a tennis player and date better women, but he doesn't listen to me so I start to runaway and Tezuka runs into the street after me, but I see a car coming and I push him out of the way so then I become fatally wounded and I tell Tezuka that I'll always love him and die so then he cries because I died but I didn't really die it just seems like it because I was revived by his tears but he doesn't know that so I come back a few years later and Tezuka rejoices and we get married and have kids-"
Geez that girl can talk a lot, and with surprisingly few periods. But this is not her story, it's mine because I narrate it… okay maybe it is her story but nobody cares! And technically it's Ryoma's story because Prince of Tennis focuses on him. So back to the nine tennis players…
All of them were incredibly shocked at the appearance of Sakura Marysue, although you couldn't tell what Tezuka was thinking because he was currently imitating burnt toast. Her story, for those who could actually understand what she was saying, which was rather difficult because she said it all in one breath, were rather creeped out.
"Inui! Give her some juice so we can get back to practice"
Responding to Tezuka's orders, Inui, a juice maker and data man, brought out a thermos labeled 'Inui's Special Hyper Golden Technicolor Sure to Make Even Fuji Sick Recharged and Super Enhanced Iwashi Mizu Aozu'.
"Would you like to try some?" He offered the strange girl a glass of the liquid that closely resembled a Crayola 64 pack.
"Sure, thanks!" Sakura took the glass and gulped in down in one shot. Then she smiled. The Inui Juice had no affect! "Did I forget to mention that drinking Inui Juice has no negative affects on me? All it does is make the insanely beautiful me even more beautiful!"
"Something is insane but it not her good looks." Ah, good old reliable Ryoma, mouthy as ever.
"Enough! Fifty laps everyone!"
"Sorry Kunimitsu-chan. I guess I forgot to mention that since I'm such an incredible tennis player, and by that I mean better than Ryoma, Syusuke and you put together, more persistant than Suichiro and Kaoru, more powerful than Takashi and Takeshi, more acrobatic than Eiji, and smarter than Sadaharu, I'm the new captain and star of the boy's tennis team."
The boys stared at her with gaping mouths, she had just called all of them by their given names and they just met two seconds ago! Well, most of the boys were gaping; it was rather difficult to tell what Tezuka was- Oh bugger. This is getting redundant. Let's get back to Sakura Marysue then shall we. Sakura, after seeing their shocked and horrified faces felt deeply hurt.
"This isn't the way this story is supposed to go!" Sakura cried! Perfect diamond tears that glittered with the light of a thousand suns escaped past her long gorgeous eyelashes and slid down her ivory cheeks. The tears didn't leave ugly streaks, instead they made her glisten like… something incredibly cheesy that's not actually made of cheese because I can't think of anything else I can compare her beauty too. "You're all supposed to obey me and hang on every word I say so that I can lead us to Nationals before I go pro! Why don't you love me!" Sakura's ebony hair turned to a deep cerulean so beautiful it made Fuji's eyes look gray and her beautiful lips trembled with utter delicacy.
"Eh! Did she just change her hair color! Nya!" Kikumaru Eiji made his first appearance in this story by pointing out the obvious.
"There's no way that's human!" Cried Momoshiro Takeshi who also decided to make an appearance.
"I believe I've heard of a creature like her." All eyes were on Inui. "There is a ninety-eight percent chance that she is a Mary Sue. Mary Sues are known to be perfect, have a tragic past, make people everywhere swoon with just her presence, and many have multicolored hair and or eyes. The people who she's encountered try to resist her beauty but they fail and many good men are lost."
"If all men swoon with her presence why are we still normal sempai?" Kaidoh, "Mamushi" if you use the Japanese name, "Viper" if you use English, Kaoru would not be outdone by Momoshiro and decided to appear now as well.
"In the beginning Mary Sues had a eighty-seven percent chance of making every man they came in contact with lovesick, but overtime they became very cliché reducing that number significantly to less than one percent. Basically the only ones who fall for her these days are extremely desperate people."
"Never in my two years of girl watching experience have I seen someone so lovely!" Satoshi Horio came on the scene and immediately fell desperately in love with Sakura Marysue, not that I'm complaining because hey, at least he shut up about his two years of tennis experience. Although now we have two years of girls watching experience to worry about…
"Thank you very much Horio-chan!" Sakura's dazzling cerulean hair turned a happy bubble gum pink to match her eyes and she smiled an elegant smile with all of her perfectly straight pearl white teeth.
"The goddess knows my name! I love you… ummm… what's your name?"
"I'm Sakura Magnificent Astounding Radiant Young Spectacular Unbeatable Excellence, but you can call me Sakura Marysue! I'm Ryoma's cousin who-" ummmm, no. We aren't listening to that again. Not that she actually said any of it again because Horio, so entranced by her beauty rushed up to Sakura Magnificent Astounding Radiant Young Spectacular Unbeatable Excellence and kissed her cherry red lips that made roses look blue. Shaking with shock and terror Sakura stuttered, beautifully I might add, before everything turned to chatspeak.
"Th-this w-wasn't s-supposed t-to h-happen. My 1st kiss wz sposd 2 b w Kuni-chan cuz we R madLE n luv w Ech othR." Her quivering angels voice shrieked a perfect shriek before promptly bursting into flames from the horror of being kissed by Horio.
"Huh? My two years of tennis experience tell me something happened." Horio's memory of the incident was completely erased.
"Everyone! Eighty-three laps! And remember, don't let your guard down!"
Finally satisfied because that accursed Sakura Marysue was gone and he could continue tennis practice, Tezuka smiled…
Okay I made that last part up. It's impossible to know what Tezuka's thinking because he has the emotions of a stoic person sitting on a rock that was on a collision course with a brick wall while eating burnt toast and still managing to look emotionless.
(Author's Ending Notes: Well that was fun. If you're a new writer or a veteran and you're worried you might have a Sue on your hands try taking a Mary Sue Litmus Test. And yes I know there are some run on sentences but it's supposed to be like that. I also know I introduced cannon characters Japanese style and Sakura Western style, also supposed to be like that. A new chapter of this for anyone who can guess who the cool sorta OC is. I wonder how many times I used the words perfect and beautiful or a synonym of those words? Anyone want to count? ... My Author's Notes are always too long…)