Hey guys, this is a oneshot- set in the 'All These Lives' and 'The Only Reason' verse. It's for Dani's challenge on the BTR plot adoption forum, which can be found here- /forum/BTR-Plot-Adoption-Forum/153090/, if you're interested. Anyway- this kinda might've strayed a little from the actual prompt, but I tried my best to stay on it, and I hope I did that well enough. Um, trigger warnings for self-harm, suicide, alcoholism, depression, and mentions of rape/abuse. Enjoy.

He hates this.

He hates the darkness that sleep brings- mainly because of what else sleep brings. Nightmares. Dreams, hallowed in fear, with jagged edges and unthinkable endings- scarring him for life every time he closed his eyes. He hates it with a passion- because he had no fucking idea how to get rid of them. He can't remember a time he's woken up in peace- waking up drenched in his own sweat, shaking from the force of his dream has become customary. Nightmares are vicious- heinous, with a sickeningly cruel claw, gripping onto him, and forcing him to watch, as loved ones are ripped from him, as his mother is killed- anything that is capable of bringing him pain is wrought upon him in his mind.

Thinking it was over after being found in his father's basement was honestly stupid and idiotic. Thinking that he'd be okay, after living through eighteen months of pure torture was stupid. He knows that he'll never be able to shake off that year and a half of his life- the year and a half where he begged for death to come- as quickly as possible. When he was in captivity, he lost count of how many times he forced himself to go unconscious, just to avoid the pain that his father's ruthless beatings would inflict on him.

His father is with him, every second of the day. Physical, emotional, and mental scarring have been left on him- scarring that will never fade. He will never escape the demons his father has left behind- wreaking havoc on his mind. Being held captive for eighteen months cannot leave a person without heavy scarring- he knows that. But the damage has been done- and all he can do now, is get through every day- and try not to succumb to the terror in his mind. He knows he can't let them win.

Being held prisoner has done wonders to his brothers- and the wonders aren't good in the least. He knows that leaving them now- dying on them now- would absolutely break them- and being the risk of at least one of them joining him. And he isn't the type of monster to subject one of his brothers to death, just to satisfy his own selfish needs. He's left them for eighteen months- he can't lengthen that. It would break them, and fuck, he isn't that selfish.

Being gone for so long has definitely taken its toll on them, and god, he wishes he didn't have to see them like this- all it does is shatter his hear, ripping away piece after piece- as he watches their eyes light up to see him, after they arrive home- or is aware of their presence in his room- just making sure he's still there. He knows they're safety precautions, more for them, than he- but it still doesn't cease to make his heart clench with pain. He's the reason they're like this.

Kendall has become so withdrawn- and god, that scares him. The blond never seems to want to hang out with anyone- and he's always locking himself in his room- not participating in the conversation like he used to. He's lost the spark he used to have- as the leader of their band- and James hates that more than anything. He hates that his disappearance changed something in Kendall- altered his personality- and changed his goal in life. This Kendall has lost the enthusiasm for singing- for hockey- for life itself. And Kendall has taken up drinking, and god, James can't fucking stand that. His father drank himself silly- and James doesn't know why the fuck Kendall would do something like that to himself.

Kendall doesn't drink when he's at home- but he's lost count of the amount of times Kendall has called him- slurring his words- and asked him to come pick him up. James does it- every time- but he hates seeing Kendall in the drunken stupor- and the hangover he gets the next morning is something James wishes he didn't have as a consequence. But Kendall has turned to alcohol- the drops of liquor wash away his worries and his pain- and James knows that he has to pay a price for it. He hates the way Kendall has decided to go about dealing with his problems.

Carlos isn't happy anymore. That's the easy way to put it- in James' mind. The Latino's pool days are over- his knack for trying crazy things and being the reckless, loveable person he is- that has all faded into nothing. James' heart breaks for him- Carlos was always his partner in crime- his other half, and seeing him like this is really making him realize what happened while he was gone. He had always thought that the boys didn't really need him- but seeing them like this now- he realizes that they do, and they need him desperately.

Carlos is a shadow of his former self. He doesn't play video games anymore- swirly isn't a big deal to him, and the previous excitement he had over 'Fishstick Friday' has faded away into a nothingness. Carlos barely has the desire to come out of his room anymore- and James hates that so much. He hates seeing his brother in such a depressed, saddened state. It fucking tears his heart apart, and he wishes he could take the pain away from him. Carlos doesn't deserve to feel such agony- James knows it all too well, and god, he hates that Carlos feels so perpetually shitty.

And lastly, Logan. James doesn't think he's ever seen a human being so lifeless. Logan is alive- but he's dead on the inside, and he looks- and acts- like a ghost. His complexion has paled to a pasty white- and he looks like he hasn't slept in days. Dark purple bags are evident under his eyes- not that he seems to mind. He wears long-sleeved shirts and jeans- even though LA weather is perpetually sunny, and it doesn't go past 40-50 degrees, even in the winter. Logan refuses to set foot outside 2J, so he really doesn't need to dress in anything special- but the thought of his brother wanting to cover all of himself up is killing James.

James knows what Logan is doing. He knows that Logan is cutting himself- the signs are all there- and he could tell from the way the shorter brunette flinches when anyone grabs his wrist. He knows that Logan is self-harming- but he doesn't want to approach him. In addition to becoming extremely quiet- Logan has also adopted anger. He blows up at everyone- and James has no idea where that is coming from- but he hates seeing his sweet Logan yell at people, because that is not Logan. The Logan he left behind would never do that, and James hates how broken Logan has really become.

Even after he was found- James knows that it isn't that easy to recover from something like this. For his brothers, at least. Depression and self-harm aren't things you can give up cold turkey. He knows that some people have done it- but it's rare, and trying to recover from something like that is fucking difficult. Depression is something that stays with you- James knows it all too well.

He can call himself depressed- and not only that- he used to self-harm, back when he was around fourteen or fifteen. James knows exactly what his brothers are going through, and damn, he fucking hates it.

"Holy fuck…LOGAN!"

Kendall's scream of terror is enough to bring James to a standing position, feet pounding as he rushes to the source of his best friend's shout.

When he skids to a half in front of their shared bathroom, he realizes exactly what Kendall was so freaked out about, and his blood runs cold. Frozen, he stares at the sight lying before him- unable to tear his eyes away from the scene. It's like someone has pressed 'pause' on his entire life- because he can't move. He can't breathe.

Kendall is on his knees, tears streaking his cheeks, as he presses two fingers to Logan's neck. And Logan…fucking hell, Logan…blood is pooling out from a gash in his wrist- body lying on the cold tile- pale, clammy-looking, and lifeless.

"Is he…alive…?" James manages to choke out, his voice cracking and breaking.

Kendall nods, just as Carlos comes up behind him. James can feel the Latino sway on his feet- because Carlos clutches onto his shoulder in order to steady himself, just staring.

"What the fuck…?" Carlos whispers. "He…did he do what I think he did…?"

"Tried to kill himself? Yeah," James whispers hoarsely. "Kendall, please tell me you called an ambulance?"

He receives another nod in turn, and turns to Carlos. "Go…downstairs, and wait for the paramedics, so you can bring them up here. Kendall and I will…make sure he…stays alive…"

Carlos gives a soft affirmative, rushing out the door with tears still rolling down his cheeks. James lets out a shuddery sigh of relief, dropping to his knees beside Kendall, and grabbing one of Logan's clammy hands in his.

"You didn't really want him to wait, did you?" Kendall whispers. "You just…didn't want him to see…"

"Yeah…he's too young…too innocent…" James replies, refusing to meet his gaze. He rubs his fingers over Logan's palm, sighing heavily. "Is the…blood stopping?"

Kendall lifts the sweatshirt he wrapped around Logan's wrist up, before nodding slightly.

"And his pulse…it's there…faint, but it's there…"

Kendall sighs heavily, shaking his head. "How the fuck did it get this bad? How did we not see this? He…I can't even…"

"Don't…don't blame yourself…" James says softly. "It's all of our faults. Let's just focus on getting him to the hospital…making sure he stays alive, until then…"

That ambulance ride was one from hell, James thinks, as he slumps further down into the hospital chair. He was elected to go with Logan- seeing as he looked the calmest- while Kendall is driving himself, Carlos, and Katie. Mama Knight is in Minnesota- apparently one of Kendall and Katie's aunts broke her hip- and needs someone to care for her. She was worried- about leaving them for so long, so soon- but James remembers reassuring her that they'd be fine- and off she went.

It's been ten minutes since the ambulance arrived, and Logan was immediately rush into the OR. It's all a matter of waiting, now- and James fucking hates waiting.

"Jay?"

James glances up, eyes locking with pools of green. Kendall is standing in front of him- eyes dark with worry and pain, Carlos and Katie close behind. "Hey guys," James says softly, not trusting his voice to go any louder.

"Well?" Kendall asks. "What'd they say?"

"Nothing yet," James replies, as the three of them sink into chairs beside him. "They took him into surgery ten minutes ago, so my guess is that it's gonna be a while."

"What the hell happened?!" Katie bursts out, and James can hear the tears in her voice.

"Language, baby sister," Kendall mumbles tiredly, leaning his head back against the chair, and closing his eyes.

Katie's face hardens. "No. You dragged me here- against my will- at almost 11 in the night, and I deserve to know what the hell happened to Logan."

"You didn't tell her?" James asks, his tone disbelieving. "How could you not have told her?!"

"Mom said she's looking for a flight right now." Kendall avoids the question easily, and James can see more anger form in Katie's chocolate gaze.

"Katie, Logan tried to kill himself," James mutters gruffly.

He can hear Katie's gasp, and almost picture her face. Eyes watering, lip quivering- Katie is usually headstrong and intelligent- but no one could keep their cool at a time like this. She's just been told that one of her older brothers has tried to end his life- and James would be lying if he said his heart wasn't breaking for her.

"Why the fuck would you do that?! She's only 14!" Kendall curses, sitting straight up and glaring at him.

"She needed to know," James answers, meeting his gaze. "She's old enough for us not to have to sugarcoat things. And trust me, if we had lied to her, I don't think she would've taken it well."

"James is right." Katie steps into the conversation, her voice quivering just a bit. "Thank you for telling me…"

"Aw, come here," Carlos says softly, speaking up for the first time in minutes. Katie curls herself into his lap, and he wraps his arms around her, kissing the top of her head. "Logan is going to be fine. You don't need to worry."

Kendall sighs heavily, rising to his feet. "I'm going for a walk. Don't follow me."

"I thought I told you not to follow me."

James rolls his eyes, walking over to stand beside the younger boy. Kendall is standing on a fenced ledge, a mile or so away from the hospital. The cool breeze is blowing his blond bangs west- but he ignores it, staring at the rolling hills and farm side beneath them.

"Being gone for eighteen months doesn't change what I promised you, Kendall," He says gently.

"But you broke it," Kendall mutters bitterly.

"Yeah, I did. And do you think that was my choice? I didn't choose to be held captive by my goddamn father for a year and a half, Kendall!" James snaps. "I thought about you guys every second of every day, y'know…"

"Sometimes I wish you would've fought harder, to come home sooner," Kendall whispers. "And I know I sound really selfish, and that you went through utter hell with him, but we weren't having the times of our lives here."

"Logan is in the hospital for trying to kill himself," James replies. "And I know that his self-harm started because of me. Don't you guys think I've noticed how fucking different all of you are? It's fucking killing me to see it. But no, no I couldn't have fought harder. Do you know how hard it is to still want to live after being gang raped, Kendall?"

"James, I…" Kendall's looking at him wide-eyed, his face paling at James' confession.

James sighs and shakes his head. "Don't. It's just…tensions are high, especially considering what Logan did. We just need to lay off on each other, because fighting isn't gonna help Logan at all."

"I missed you, Jay." Kendall's voice cracks on the last word, and it tears at James' heartstrings.

"Don't cry," James tells him gently, opening his arms. "C'mere."

With Kendall crying into his chest, James strokes his back, running his slender fingers through the blond's messy locks. "It's all over. I'm home now, don't cry. You know I hate it when you cry, Ken."

"We can see him now."

James rises to his feet, feeling Carlos press himself into his side, as the doctor leads them down a series of hallways. Kendall is leading, his arm wrapping around Katie's shoulders- as they follow the man in the white coat.

When they finally come to a halt, James glances at the door they're standing in front of. The doctor turns to them, his eyes warm. "Go ahead in- I'm going to tell the nurses that you guys don't have to abide by the visiting hours. He should be awake- but please try to keep the negativity to a minimum. He's on suicide watch- and if you guys need anything, there's a button next to his bed that you can press to signify you need assistance."

"Thank you," Kendall says, as he walks off to the nurses' station. Without hesitation, he pushes the room door open, and the four of them step inside.

Immediately- James is greeted by a mixture of emotions. Seeing his brother in a hospital bed brings tears to his eyes- because Logan looks awful, and he hates seeing him like this. Carlos presses himself closer, and James keeps a tight hold of the Latino's shoulders, using him as a crutch to steady himself- when dizziness shakes him.

Logan is sitting up in bed, wearing a white hospital gown. His complexion is pale- blending in with the white room and white sheets. There's an IV needle in his skin, and gauze wrapped around his left wrist- covering the cut he hoped would've ended it all.

When they enter, he glances up at them- eyes dark and unreadable. Kendall takes a seat in one of the chairs, pulling Katie onto his lap, while Carlos and James take the other two seats. For a moment- everyone is just staring, until Logan breaks the silence.

"Aren't you going to yell at me?"

James' throat closes up, but he forces himself to open his mouth and speak. Everyone is looking at him- waiting for him to say something. "What would yelling at you accomplish- other than making you even more suicidal?"

Logan sighs and picks at the gauze on his arm. "I didn't think you'd be so calm, considering you guys found me on the bathroom floor, surrounded in my own blood."

Katie squeaks and whimpers at that, shoving her face into the crook of Kendall's neck. Logan's eyes soften when he looks at her, as a frown etches its way onto his face.

"Katie?" He opens his arms, and Kendall lets his little sister crawl onto the bed, and into Logan's embrace. The small brunette smiles at the gesture, holding Katie close and kissing her forehead.

"I think we all know about the elephant in the room." Carlos speaks up, his tone low. "We gotta talk about this."

"Damn, I was trying to avoid that," Kendall mutters, shaking his head. "There's not much I have to say."

James can feel himself getting worked up, anger flaring up in his veins. "You never have anything to say anymore, Kendall! What happened, while I was gone?! What the fuck stripped your leader personality away from you?!"

"Oh, I don't know, maybe the fact that your father fucking kidnapped you, and I couldn't do anything about it?" Kendall retorts. "That does something to people, if you haven't noticed."

"When I said talk, I didn't mean call each other out," Carlos grumbles, glaring at James. "But he has a point. I think all of us have lost ourselves."

"Really? That wasn't obvious?" Logan refuses to look at any of them, holding Katie a little tighter, and staring down at the white bedsheets.

"Well, Logan is obviously the most far gone," James says. "And we need to figure out how we're going to help him, because we sure as hell are not losing him."

"Yeah, great, thanks for talking about me like I'm not sitting two feet away from you," Logan growls.

"Shut up, Logan. We're trying to help you."

"And you're doing a pretty shitty job of it, if you ask me."

"I'm not asking you!"

"You don't need to ask for my opinion, I'll give it anyway!"

"All of you are fucking assholes, in my opinion."

"Alright, you know what?! I'm sick of all of this! You four are acting like fucking children, and if you haven't noticed, Logan tried to kill himself. And fighting like animals is not helping. You four have been moping around 2J for weeks now, and honestly, it's sickening. James is back. You guys got him back, we got him back. He pushed through, he survived, for us. Shouldn't that be some kind of signal?! Moping around and wallowing in your own self-pity is not going to help any of you, and for you to get better, you need to help each other. Not jump down each other's throats every goddamn chance you get. You four are my brothers. My role models, and my inspiration- you four are everything to me. And do you think I like seeing my brothers fall apart?! I've seen the four of you break down so many times- whether it's Kendall's drunken slurring, Carlos' lack of enthusiasm, James' helplessness, or Logan's continued self-harm and suicide attempt! For you to get better, you have to want to get better, and you have to help each other." Katie finishes her rant, glaring at all of them.

She squirms out of Logan's grip, scooting down to her feet. "I'm going to go call mom. And when I get back, I wanna see you guys talking, and not yelling at each other."

A sticky silence drapes over the room, as the four of them stare at each other. Finally, James breaks it, his words laced with the agony that resides in his heart.

"Katie's right. We've been falling apart, you guys…hell, Logan tried to kill himself, because he couldn't handle the pressure and the pain, and…"

"And I just wanted to be done with this. I just wanted to be finished, and escape from my mind- because my mind is what's killing me," Logan finishes, his voice solemn. "I just…I didn't mean to hurt you guys, I just wanted an escape. I just wanted to think about me for once, because I've dedicated my entire life to worrying about everyone else and making sure they're okay. I wanted something to be about me for once, and I guess…I guess that isn't destined to happen."

Kendall shakes his head. "It's not a crime to think about yourself. But it isn't okay to do what you just did. And honestly, Logie, I wish you'd come to one of us. All three of us are here and ready to help you. Even though we've been shit friends lately, all of us still would've listened."

"We really have been shit lately, haven't we?" Carlos mutters. "I mean, Logie and I are always in our rooms, Kendall's seen more of bars than he has our apartment, and James, you haven't had any idea what to do, now that you're back…and god, I wish it didn't take words from a fourteen year old to give us the kick in our asses we desperately needed."

"A wise fourteen year old, nonetheless," Logan adds. "But damn, we needed that."

"We really did," James sighs. "And I know that things are going to be different from now on. There are a lot of things…a lot of feelings running through my head- feelings that scare the fuck outta me. Guys, I have horrendous nightmares about the…incident…and that's what's been eating me alive for a while…"

Logan glances at him, eyes serious. "That's PTSD."

"English, please."

"Post Traumatic Stress Disorder," Logan clarifies. "A disorder that affects people who've been through something highly traumatic. Flashbacks, panic attacks, nightmares- the nightmares are most likely not dreams- they actually happened- are some symptoms."

"Then I have that," James mutters. "What do I do about it?"

"We can get you into therapy," Logan says. "And there are meds that can control the anxiety and depression. It won't solve everything- but we're gonna be here for you."

"Therapy? But…"

"It'll help," Kendall speaks up, wrapping his arm around James' shoulders. "We'll help. You need to recover from this. I'm not saying forget it- but leaving this untreated is going to eat you alive, as you put it- and we could be in danger of losing you."

"We could be in danger of losing you, as well," Carlos mumbles. "Your alcohol addiction will kill you one day."

"It's not that-"

"Shut up, Kendall," James says. "Are you forgetting the number of times you've called me- shit-faced drunk off your ass, and asked me to pick you up?"

Kendall smiles sheepishly. "Yeah…those were not my best moments…"

"You think?" James thumps the back of his head affectionately, before squeezing his shoulders tightly.

"Ken, you seriously have to stop drinking," Logan warns. "It's destroying your liver."

"I will," Kendall sighs. "I'll stop, I promise. I don't need to drink if I have you guys."

"It isn't gonna be that easy to beat an alcohol addiction," Carlos interrupts. "I remember, one of my uncles had to go into rehab, and that still didn't help."

"I don't need rehab," Kendall insists. "You guys can help me. I'll be fine."

Logan snorts. "That's bull. I'm not gonna force you, but it'd be a good idea, considering how hard it is to kick an addiction like that…"

"How about this?" Kendall sighs. "Give me two weeks. If I have a single drop of alcohol, then you can look into rehab. If I make it without the beer, then I don't have to go."

"That works." Logan nods. "But you do realize it's gonna be hard as hell? Alcohol withdrawal is fucking painful."

"Yes. I can do it. I know I can do it," Kendall says firmly. "I'm not going to lose myself to a beer bottle."

"You're stronger than a stupid drink," Carlos adds. "And Logan is definitely stronger than a goddamn piece of metal."

It's Logan's turn to sigh. "I know, I know. I'm going to stop cutting."

"And Carlitos," James says gently. "We're going to make you happy again."

Carlos snorts, crossing his arms over his chest. "You say it like it's as easy as teaching a dog to fetch. Happiness doesn't just happen, you know."

"It doesn't," Kendall agrees. "But we can make you happy again. It'll just take some thinking. If we can get Logan to stop cutting, James to stop having nightmares, and me to stop drinking, we can surely make you happy again."

"Good luck," Carlos grumbles.

"Hey, stop that." James places a hand on the shorter boy's shoulder, forcing him to look him in the eye. "If you're pessimistic about the entire thing, you're not gonna get better." He glances at Kendall and Logan. "And that goes for all of us. Pessimism is only gonna drag us down."

"James is right. We just need to focus on getting better, and realize that it will happen." Logan's voice is much lighter now, a deep contrast to the heavy, dark tone he'd adopted when they first entered.

"We're gonna get through this, guys," Kendall says softly. "We're gonna make it. It may've taken us a while to realize how far down we are, but late is always better than never- and now that we know- the only way from here- is up."

So, yeah- thank you guys for reading- I'd love to know what you thought.

-Neha