Finally alone after a hectic day serving as King of Fanelia, Van laid on his bed, not bothering to change out of his day clothes and closed his eyes. He closed his fingers around the pendant hanging on his neck and reached out with his mind across the vast space separating him from the only person who can give him solace.
Hitomi.
Van. Her voice came so clearly through his mind, sounding so close it seems like she was standing beside his bed. A smile touched his lips as she smiled at him.
"I'm alright, Van. You?"
"Tired. But I feel better now that I can see you."
"Van…"
The sadness in her voice tugged at his heart. "Was that inappropriate?"
Hitomi gazed at him across the cosmos, her green eyes filled with haunting sadness and pain. Van longed for nothing more but to remove the pain in her eyes, he had always told her that depression doesn't suit her. But how can he? She had forbade him to broach the subject again since he brought it up three years ago.
It has been six years since Hitomi left Gaea with the promise to never forget him. He had told her that they can see each other anytime, as long as they share a common feeling. And they did, nearly everyday they would appear to each other. The few words they exchanged stretched into minutes, the minutes to hours. At times, Van caught himself counting down the hours and minutes until the day will end and night will come so he can talk to her again. Van knew that he loves Hitomi when she was in Gaea, their separation only strengthened his feelings for her.
"It's not that, Van. It-it's the way you said it… and they way you looked at me when you did."
"How do you want me to look at you?"
"I don't know." Hitomi's voice shook. "I can't stay. I'm going out tonight. I-I have a date."
"Date?" The term is unfamiliar to him.
"Hai. I'm going to have dinner with… with Youji-kun."
Van's heart froze. Of course. I'm sorry didn't mean to keep you…
"It's alright," Hitomi said, quickly. "We'll talk again later, ne?"
"Goodnight, Hitomi."
"Goodnight, Van."
Silence. Van can feel the painful beating of his heart. How can I be so stupid? Of course she would have moved on! She found someone else… someone better. A man who will be with her… because I can't be there for her? Maybe I've been fooling myself and she no longer feels the same way. How can see? She was just a kid when I met her, I was just the same, except that Gaean customs and Fanelian responsibilities robbed me off my childhood.
A tear rolled down Van's cheek. Perhaps Allen and my advisors are right. I have to move on.
On the balcony looking into Van's room, Merle watched her friend, sadness overcoming her as she saw his wretched expression. Yet, Van never complained, never demanded anything, never showed his sadness nor his pain. Tomorrow morning he'll face his subjects with the same kind and handsome smile, and no one will know how much he suffered inside. Except for Merle, but she's helpless in the situation. Hitomi is gone, Van won't ask her to sacrifice her home for him, and Merle can do nothing.
Silence. Hitomi clutched her hand over her heart.
My heart breaks with each word, but why do I keep this up? Why do I keep talking to him?
Hitomi's eyes flooded with tears. She'd asked herself those questions a hundred of times, each time coming up with the same answers.
Because I can't bear it in my heart to push him away. Because feeling my heart break is better than feeling nothing, at least I know its still there, beating… living… for him. I knew I loved once. And I can hope I can love again.
Hitomi clenched her hand tighter. It was a lie. I love him still. How can I love another when I know that I no longer own my heart? I left it with him in Gaea.
Hitomi took a deep breath and tried to gather her composure. Grabbing a tissue, she quickly wiped away her tears.
Youji. Think of Youji.
Van's face came to her mind.
Youji. Youji. YOUJI!
Annoyed, Hitomi thew the used tissue violently to the trash can and missed. Why is it that when you tried not to think of someone you only end up thinking of them a lot more?
Hitomi gazed at her room, nearly twenty-one years worth of memories. Pictures of friends and family members fill up half the board atop her desk. Her favorite shoes, clothes, and accessories all jam packed in her nearly overflowing closet. Her computer displaying a kaleidoscope of colors as it play one of her favorite songs. Beside the computer are stacks of CDs and DVDs, along with rows of books. Sounds of the traffic jammed streets entered the room through the window. The lights of the nearby buildings twinkle in the darkness. No stars in sight…
Can I give this all up?
The answer is screaming inside her.
Van's face came again into her mind. The image of him sweeping down from the star filled night, his wings partially covering the star-filled sky as he bent down, closer and closer, to reach her. He held her tight. Warmly. Protectively.
"Hitomi! Youji's here!" her mother yelled from downstairs.
"Coming," Hitomi called back, shaken from her reverie. Hitomi rushed down the stairs and fixed a smile on her face.
"You look beautiful, Hitomi-san," Youji smiled at her, his dark eyes lighting up. He pushed off his forehead few locks of his black hair before opening the door for her.
"Thanks," Hitomi said, feeling a blush rose to her cheeks. She heard the words, but it was Van's voice that spoke to her, Van's smile, Van's eyes.
"I'll bring her back home safely, Kanzaki-san," Youji told her mother.
Of course you will, Van. Didn't you say you'll do everything to protect me?
"Have fun, you two," Mrs. Kanzaki said. She sighed as she watched as the car pulled out of the driveway. Her heart feels heavy.
Hitomi had always been a very cheerful, lively girl. She have a lot of friends, a member of the track team, a good student. She's a normal girl quite taken with Amano. Crushes at fifteen are normal. The only thing unusual about her is her expertise with tarot cards, she can read them so clearly as though she can see through the windows of the future.
That was six years ago. One day, suddenly it seemed, she refused to read tarot cards again. Her smile didn't quite reach her eyes. Her gaze seemingly fixed somewhere far.
Mrs. Kanzaki can sense that something has changed. Her husband said it might be because of Amano and Yukari becoming a couple. No... that wasn't it. Hitomi isn't at all bothered about her crush and her best friend being together. Hitomi was more mature, less carefree - her eyes were that of someone who has seen too much for someone so young.
Her pendant was missing. She loved that pendant and would have torn the whole house down looking for it.
And then she heard Hitomi spoke of it. Gaea.
Hitomi spoke of Gaea as she slept. Called names of friends Mrs. Kanzaki had never heard of. Called Van...
Dating at sixteen is considered normal. And even though Mrs. Kanzaki and her husband would prefer to keep Hitomi from dating until she's thirty, she knew that they had to face facts. Teenagers just do things earlier than they did during her time.
But Hitomi didn't date anyone. No crushes. No suitors. No boys.
Mr. Kanzaki is quite happy with that, until Hitomi turned twenty-one and still seemed unable to find a suitable boyfriend. Mrs. Kanzaki, in turn, was worried. How many times have she heard her daughter call out for Van?
Eventually, Hitomi told her about Gaea. She had kept it from everyone, even from Yukari, but she had told her mother. Hitomi's grandmother had also been to Gaea and had told Mrs. Kanzaki about it.
Like her mother, it was all like a dream for Hitomi. For Hitomi's family, it was like she never left. But for Hitomi, she was gone for months.
Although, she's never been to Gaea, she understood. She also sensed that Hitomi is giving her a very abridged version of the events, she didn't mind, Hitomi will tell her the parts she edited out when she's ready. It was mother's intuition that hinted to her the hidden meaning between the lines. One name always came up: Van.
Van looked after me, okaasan.
Van made sure I got back here safely.
Van wouldn't let anything bad happen to me. He was with me the whole time.
Hitomi didn't have to voice her feelings for Van. Mrs. Kanzaki can see it in her daughter's eyes and hear it in the way she said Van's name.
Hitomi loves Van.
Not a day goes by that Mrs. Kanzaki didn't notice the haunted look in her daughter's eyes. The hint of sadness in her smile. Her faraway gaze specially when she looks at the moon and the stars.
It tore Mrs. Kanzaki's heart, but she never said a word. She patiently waited for her daughter for six years. Her patience is running out. She can no longer bear to see her child suffer, not after hearing her cry again in her sleep last night.
I love you, Hitomi. She traced Hitomi's face in the picture on the wall. If your happiness is not here, then I will let you go. I love you that much.
~ ? ~
Notes: I'm not sure whether I will continue this with a new chapter or pick up this story in another story. This was written way back in 2000 but collected dust in my hard drive until I dug it out just recently. I kept on coming back to it, so I decided to post it here. I hope you enjoyed reading this, should I continue? ^_^