Dear Buffy

By Acathla

Dear Buffy,

I'm not really sure how to start this but here goes. I wanted to apologize to you for everything I did to you. What I did was unforgivable but that is what I need from you--forgiveness. You see it's like this B, I'm sorry.

Looking back over the time we spent in Sunnydale, the Chosen Two, I realized something, something Willow tried to tell me once but I never let it sink in until a few weeks ago: I had it all and I threw it away. I had your friendship, your trust and I stomped on them both. I messed everything up and you wanna know why? Because I was in love with you.

I've known you all my life B. Yeah we only met a few years ago and for most our time together I wasn't exactly a good person but, I've known you. Maybe I should start at the very beginning.

When my watcher came for me I welcomed her and her crazy idea of slayers and vampires. Anything to get away from my mother and her lifestyle. But almost from the very beginning, Diana, my watcher, would tell me stories of the slayers who came before me. From the first slayer all the way down the line to you. When she started telling me about you I was...well I guess the only word for it is awe. The things that your watcher's diary said you did just made me want you more. I wanted to meet you. I needed to meet you and know that I am not alone in this slayer gig because let's face it, it can get really lonely.

Then, circumstances brought me to Sunnydale and I finally got to meet the Infamous Buff. I saw you that first time in the alley and I was lost. I know I covered it well but inside I was a wreck. The object of my secret lust/obsession was standing not five feet away from me and I had to kill a vampire right then. I think I was showing off for you at that point. The reverse head butt, the jump onto the box for that roundhouse kick. It was all to impress you. Even when I reached for your stake I was trying to cop a small feel but I was too quick for that I guess. That was another way of me trying to impress you. Casually asking for the stake and then taking it and eventually using it to dust that vamp.

Then walking away like nothing had happened. Oh yeah I am good at hiding my emotions but I don't wanna be like that anymore. And it starts with this letter. So back to my original point. Everything I did, I did because I was in love with you and I couldn't tell you that.

So I flirted with the guys and tried to fight my feelings. Then Angel came back into the picture and I knew there was never going to be a chance for me. I could never compete with a boyfriend as hot as Angel even with his no sex clause. But that still didn't stop me from trying. My plan to take you to homecoming got squelched thanks to that petty fight you had with Cordelia so I had to try again. But then Giles sent me on a mini mission and when I get back I hear that some weird candy turned the adults into teenagers. I wish I could've seen that.

Things were going ok for a bit there. Then that bitch Gwendolyn Post showed up and messed with my head again. She totally played me, using all my insecurities to twist me into doing what she wanted. But not even I can place the blame for trying to kill Angel on her. That wasn't her doing. Yeah he was attacking her but that's not why I wanted him turned to dust. No, I let my jealousy get the better of me when I heard Xander talking about how you and he were kissing. The thought of you and him getting back together almost killed me. I knew you loved him, that you probably always would but that didn't mean I had to be okay with you and him getting close again.

I was fighting him in that mansion and I didn't see a vampire who needed to be stopped, I didn't see a demon who was attacking a human, my watcher, and needed to be staked, no I didn't see any of that. All I saw was the man who stood between me and you. Between me and what I always wanted, your love. It didn't matter that even without him in the picture I knew you wouldn't want me, all that mattered to me in that moment was removing the obstacle. So I tried to kill him, and you stopped me. You defended him against me. You picked a vampire over me, a slayer. That hurt me more than I can ever say. I didn't want to fight you but there seemed to be no other choice.

We were both itching for a fight by that time and while I wanted to be fighting him, you it seemed wanted to fight me in defense of him. The next day when you came to my motel room and told me I could trust you...God I wanted so badly to believe you. I wanted to believe that you'd be there when I needed you but I couldn't. Because when it really mattered, you picked him over me.

They say there's a thin line between love and hate. I've never crossed that line with you but my actions were twisted and manipulated by that line. You may not believe me B, but I did love you then just like I love you now.

I know I've done things I can't undo. Some things just can't be erased and I know that but I just want you to forgive me. Please. I know I don't deserve it, that I deserve to be where I am. Here in LA in prison. Locked up for second degree murder and looking at a long stay. I want to die B, my death would call a new slayer, maybe even someone good like you, then the world wouldn't be saddled with me. Not that I can really do much damage to the world from in here but I can't help it either. If I wasn't a slayer I would've taken my own life by now. But the slayer in me is too stubborn to let the damaged, messed up little girl in me rest in peace.

Angel told me once, something he learned from Spike (go figure) about slayers. All slayers have a death wish...I don't know if that's true about all slayers...about you but I know it's true about me. I've been wishing for death for three years now here in my tiny little cell. But it never comes. Because the slayer in me refuses to die at the hands of a normal human, slayers may wish for death but only at the hands of something otherworldly. Vampire, demon, werewolf even but not something as mundane as a knife to the stomach or a bullet to the heart at the hands of a mortal human. So I stay alive in here, against my weak will.

Except that lately, there's one thing I've been wishing for more than death, your forgiveness. I know I'll never have your love but if I knew you could forgive me then I could rest in peace. Please B, I need to know that the one real friend, the one person I ever really and truly loved and trusted can forgive me.

The things I had to do to smuggle this letter out of here to you can testify to how much I want this but I will understand if you can't give me absolution for my sins against you, your friends and your mom.

I love you Buffy Summers and I will continue to love you until the day I die.

Love,

Faith

Faith finished writing her letter and looked down at it. She wondered if she had the courage to actually go through with getting it to Buffy. She knew that she could give it to Angel and that he'd get it to her but, her fear was that Buffy would never read it. That she'd just rip it up unread and toss it.

She needed Buffy to read it, needed the other slayer to know the truth before it was too late. Faith's last appeal was denied. There was no getting out of this. At her trial, Faith's lawyer had argued special circumstances and other things Faith didn't quite understand to get the charge reduced. Nothing worked, Faith was sentenced to four years in prison and then, death by lethal injection. Killing an assistant mayor was a big deal, a capital crime that nothing could save her from. So, Faith had served three of her four years, the fourth year to be served on death row in two weeks. Faith finally had accepted that despite everything, if this was how she was going to die then so be it but she'd try to get Buffy's forgiveness. If for no other reason than to not die with that on her conscience.

Faith, a lapsed Catholic, had made her peace with God about everything else she'd done but she knew that without Buffy's forgiveness, she would never be able to rest in peace.

Faith folded the letter and put it in the envelope with Buffy's address on it. She sealed it up and put it under her pillow. Later that day, she'd see Angel, or Fred in the visiting room and she'd ask one of them to get that to Buffy. She would stress to whomever was there that it was urgent that Buffy get the letter.

Angel and his gang knew about Faith's impending fate and they were supportive, but unsure how to help. The appeals had been denied and even with Angel's new connections to Wolfram and Hart there was nothing he could do about her sentence. The most he had been able to do was arrange for nighttime visiting hours and some books for her to read.

Faith laid down on her narrow bed and let the tears come. Crying was usually a sign of weakness and a big mistake in prison if you wanted to survive but Faith had long ago established that she was not weak and that anyone who tried to take advantage of her would suffer painful consequences.

Faith closed her eyes and let sleep take her to dreams of Buffy, forgiving her, telling her that despite everything she loved her too. Faith knew they were just dreams, just fantasies that would never come true but would sustain her until she felt that needle in her arm and the poisons flowing through her system. Poisons so powerful not even a slayer could survive them.

Maybe, one day, she would see Buffy again, in heaven, and they'd be friends there. Maybe.

THE END