A Sincere Goodbye Lasts A Lifetime
By: Ruby Moon AKA Sammie
E-Mail Me at: Ruby_Moon@prodigy.net
And Please visit my MeiLi shrine and sign the guestbook. No flames, please!
((A/N: Alright, I'm in a bit of a depressed mood. I have a seriously bad case of writer's block, so this is to clear things up. BASICALLY these are Li's thoughts when Meilin was leaving for hong kong. A HUGE Dose of MeiLi. PLEASE REVIEW!!! Arigato, enjoy!)
I know you want to cry.
I see you, laughing and looking around this vast building, crowded with many people from different corners of the planet. You look like a child in a candy store, but inside I know you want to cry.
I carry your bags for you. The weight of every belonging you posses feels like it will break my arm...but it's the least I could do, after breaking your heart.
Your young, tender heart that was given to me and I rejected it.
How was I supposed to know the depths of your soul? How was I supposed to know that all your smothering, your protectiveness were signs of unfathomable love? How was I supposed to know that I loved you back, until it was too late?
I don't' want it to end like this. But I know it is.
We were destined to be together. But I took destiny into my own hands and shunned you away like some forbidden sickness. Now, I have broken your heart and driven you away and killed my own soul.
You talk, a happy tone etched in your voice. You talk about home, you thank Sakura and Madison. You act as if it is no big deal.
I know you're avoiding me. I know, because I've known you since the beginning. I know that if you look at me, your tears will unleash themselves. God, even to this second, when you should be screaming at me, you worry about what I think of you.
I KNOW you, my love. I know the secret love you hide. But I found out too late.
How could I turn on you this way? It's as if I don't know myself. Yes, dear. I was helping you pack...and I saw the photos. Those moments in time captured...more for you then me. Those special moments that kept that wonderful fire in your soul burning. Those moments in our young, early lives when we were so innocent. When we were together, friends. We had no worries and troubles. A photo of us sharing a soda, a picture of me wiping your tears away. How could I forget those times? How could I forget the way you would bandage my wounds when I hurt myself in training, how could I forget your loving touch on my shoulder when I was discouraged? How could I throw those moments away!? Those precious jewels of memories that seemed to come from another lifetime.
The loudspeaker commands you to the plane. I see you gathering your stuff, and your eyes grow misty. My dear...I don't want you to leave. I want you to stay. I want to hold you in my arms like how I did years ago and tell you that no matter what, I will be with you. And this time, I will mean it. It takes everything I have in my deepest soul not to do so. I see you turn your back...and slowly, with determined steps, walk away.
And I see my life walking away. I see my love walking away...I see my very soul disintegrating into the melee of people. Now I can never stare adoringly into your deep eyes no longer, I can't hear your voice in my ear, whispering words of encouragement. I have no one to come home to, no one to laugh with. No one to bring out my most inner thoughts and feelings. No one to bring me back to the realm of humanity, the realm where I belong.
Does it matter how I love you? Oh, I just can't figure these feelings out. I do know, however, that I do love you. I love you, as a sister or a friend or a lover or something more i can't say but I love you. I can't stop thinking that and the untamable urge to scream those words rises in my clenched throat. I swallow, not wanting to voice out what I feel.
I see you turn around once more and rush up towards me. I almost jump for joy as you fling your arms around me one last time...but this time, you do it in a sad, lonely way. You, too, know that this is the end. I slowly wrap my arms around your waist and hold you close for a few seconds. I look away and whisper goodbye. Please, oh PLEASE don't see the pain in my eyes, dearest. Please don't, I can't make this any harder on you then it already is. You say goodbye. I can't bear hearing those words muttered from your soft lips. But this is a reality we both have to face...the last challenge I have to face with you, is letting you go. We faced every challenge together, of the physical or mental or emotional or magical realm, we faced it together. Now, I have to face the dark storm known as life alone, without you by my side. Don't you realize, that this is the first time you are leaving my side? I know you do, because I can see the tears in your eyes. I only pray that you can't see mine.
This is for the best...the danger that comes with being with me is too much. If something happens to you, I will never be able to live. I tell myself this, knowing that somehow if I find a bit of truth and reason in your leaving I won't fall into the dark abyss that looms ahead of me.
You slowly back away and walk towards those gates. You turn around once again...and wave.
I can't see you say goodbye like that. I can't see you wave like it's no big deal...saying goodbye as if that word carries some simple meaning. NO! It's too deep and life-changing to treat it as such. But...that's part of what I loved about you. You...can hide your feelings, so no one else gets hurt. My love, couldn't you let others see that...couldn't you leave here with a better reputation then the one you hold now?
No. You know why you have to leave. You're leaving because of me. You think that you are hindering me...and yes, in capturing the clow cards you are. But...you make me soar in the things that matter. You're the wind beneath my wings and I fly into the sky, further and further into the true joys and dangers of Life. Can an eagle soar without it's wind? I feel as if I'm dropping now, watching you go. But I know your innocent heart can no longer take what is being handed to you. You can no longer live without me, just as I cannot live without you. You HAVE me...but why, oh WHY can't I let you know that, even when I'm standing here in this wretched place watching you slip further and further away from me. Please don't leave, oh, GOD! Please don't leave me! I can't live without you, you know that...don't you? I know the truth to my own question. No, you don't know...and might never know, because of my own damned foolishness. I don't know any sane boy who would throw away such a priceless beauty as yourself. But...being the moron I am I threw away your gift like it was trash. I'm so so sorry for what I've done, the remorse fills my heart like a poison. I can't say goodbye, not like this. It can't end like this!
But it has to. Slowly, like a lead weight is tied to my wrist, I lift up my hand and wave a shaky goodbye. Yes, I have to let you go. As I watch you fade away from sight...I feel you slowly ebbing away from my thoughts, from my heart. I have to say it.
"GOODBYE!" I scream. There, I said it. My voice wavers and my heart breaks. But this is the way goodbyes are...they hurt, but they are for the best. A sincere goodbye lasts for a lifetime, both a scar and a healing salve over one's heart.
So...as I watch your disappear around the corner, ebony-black hair bouncing with each false, cheery step, ruby eyes sparkling with a mix of sorrow and joy...I know something.
If a sincere goodbye can last a lifetime...
A true love can last forever.