I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head
Their crawling like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape, to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
Drops of rain poured on to my car, making sharply defined splashing sounds as they beat against my Volvo. I focused completely on the road ahead of me, trying to consume my mind with the most trivial of things. I couldn't bear to think of her. I hoped, with all my heart, that she would be reasonably happy without me. Someday she would say yes to someone else. Maybe that vile mike, Newton, maybe her friend Jacob, I didn't know, and tried not to wonder.
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain.
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me, just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me; it is I that wanted space.
I felt a burning desire to make a reckless u-turn, and speed back to Forks, where Bella was. Where I should be. It was better, healthier, for her, if I left. She'd fall for someone who could give her everything she needed. In twenty years she might not even remember me. I thought about the photo, accompanied by the CD with her lullaby on it, that I'd left under her floorboards. Just a little memo of myself for her. Childish, I knew, but I wanted her not to completely forget me. Logically, I knew that my whole purpose was for her to move on, but deep down I wanted to be remembered by her
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do, for you
Hate me in ways,
Yeah, ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
If I could cry, I would be blinking back tears. But If I could cry, that would make me human, and there would be nothing to keep me and Bella apart. I sobbed lightly, as the thought of eternity without her occurred to me. My life was now the same pointless, barren existence it was before. But now I was too blind, and I couldn't see the small lights, points of reason to keep on going. Except one, and that was that she existed somewhere. I had to believe that. Or I had no reason at all not to go agitate the volturi right now.
I'm sober now for three whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
In my sick way, I wanna thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
I wondered if I would ever be able to hunt again. The thought was unbearable, as it reminded me that I was a monster, and because of that I couldn't have Bella, even if I was just hunting down frail, pathetic animals. She'd always told me not to hate myself, that I didn't choose this life. And for one sweet year, I'd been able to listen. But now I loathed myself more than ever, when I didn't have her to bring out the goodness in me. I glared out the windshield, hating the world. Of course, I had to be a vampire. I had to be a soulless demon, eternally damned. If I were just a normal, human teenager, I'd have no reason to leave, to cause Bella pain, as well as sacrificing my own happiness.
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
I wanted so badly to call her house, to see how she was doing. I could even pretend to be Carlisle, as I had promised that I, myself, would never bother her again. But contact from "Carlisle" might get her hopes up, and hurt her more, in the end. I sped past a 7-11, where Mike Newton happened to be, and heard his thoughts. He was, once again, fantasizing about Bella. I used to scoff at these pathetic imaginings, because at the time, that's all they were at the time: imaginings. Now they were possibilities, with me out of the picture. I wanted so badly to break my windshield, and rip off my steering wheel at the very thought of Bella with Mike Newton. But as long as she got over me, and was happy, that's all that mattered.
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah, ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
I pressed the gas pedal harder, desperately wanting to get to my new residence so I could find something, anything, to distract myself. I absentmindedly stared out the window, watching the sunset. Trying not to think about that day I'd driven, watching the sunset, with a certain companion by my side. Once again, I glared out the windshield, blocking memories with trivial, useless information I'd stored when I had nothing better to do.
And with a sad heart, I said bye to you and waved
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy, I never was a man
Till I saw your blue eyes crying, and I held your face in my hands
As I pulled up into my cracked, filthy driveway, in front of the small, filthy, house I'd bought because I didn't deserve any better, I nearly crashed through my garage door, not paying attention. I ran over to the door, opening it, and slamming it behind me, I ran into the living room, where I already had the couch from my bedroom back home. Well, it was home, but now I would never go back to forks again. There were simply too many memories there, too painful to relive.
And then I fell down yelling "make it go away!"
Just make a smile, come back and shine, just like it used to be
And then she whispered "how can you do this to me?"
I curled up on my familiar couch, which still had her scent on it. I inhaled, unnecessary and deep, shivering with momentary pleasure. I just lay there, sobbing, reliving memories I'd repressed while driving, for the sake of not crashing. I just made the biggest mistake of my life, well existence. But Bella probably hated me, and there was no reason to go back. This was the beginning of an impossibly long sixty years. I knew the only reason I didn't already commit suicide, in a form, anyways, was because somewhere, back in the little town of forks, she existed. No matter where she, or I, were, I had to believe that she was out there, somewhere, or I just couldn't function.
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah, ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
For you
For you
For you
For you