"ONCE IN SILENCE"
Ship: H/Hr
Rating: T
A/N: I actually wrote this story back in 2006 when I was using the pen name chin06. But since I made this new account, I decided to move my story here. I've made a couple of changes but not much.
The inspiration of my story comes from a song from one of my favorite Broadway musical/movie "Camelot" titled "I Loved You Once in Silence". It's a great movie and of course, the late Richard Harris who played Dumbledore in the first two movies of HP was the King Arthur in this film.
The song is a sort of sad love song between Guinevere and Lancelot and about their "forbidden" love. So, I decided to make this story a forbidden love between Harry and Hermione because Ron is in love with Hermione and they both don't want to hurt him. Ron is "Arthur" in this case, which isn't too far-fetched given his nickname, "Weasley is our King".
A fair warning though, this story is incredibly depressing, miserable, and heart wrenching so it's not for the faint of hearts who can't handle this level of angst but I hope you guys do like it.
This story is from Hermione's POV taking place after the war but I think of it as more of a second person perspective as opposed to third despite the monologue-ish narration. It, for me, is meant for only one person and could somehow be looked at as a one-sided dialogue, though I doubt that makes any sense, but you know, whatever.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, they all belong to JK Rowling etc. etc. etc. I wish I did own them but sadly I don't so I have to live everyday with my own little fantasies about owning them but in reality I don't. I really don't.
I also don't own the song or the movie. I'm just getting inspiration from it.
Enjoy!
PROLOGUE
I loved you once in silence.
The memories and the past are all I have now. They are what keep me going each and everyday.
I'm looking out my window and the day seems so cheerful and bright. If only I could be just like it.
But I'm not.
All I have left is my misery, my regrets and my sorrows.
I never told him about what happened between us but I don't think I need to. He knows.
I've come to believe that he has always known but is just too proud to say or do anything about it.
He's been gone for quite some time now, perhaps almost a week.
He has once again left me to brood in this cold and empty house which we only recently procured because it was close to the Burrow and his family.
He loves his family so very much.
They've just come to accept me as his wife. Even though it's been almost three years since he and I said "I do".
Perhaps they knew about you and me as well.
Tears start to trickle down my face.
My tears, it seems, have become my only true companions all these years.
Not a day goes by without me shedding them silently every night.
There has never been a pillow in my room that hasn't felt the wretched dampness caused by my endless flow of tears.
Somehow, they just never seem to stop flowing.
Why, you ask, have I become like this? A miserable, depressed woman trapped in the throes of the past.
I, myself, do not know the answer to that question.
I only know that I am not who I used to be. I am but a shadow of who I used to b. Here I am, pining after someone whose soul has departed from this world so very long ago.
Perhaps I have gone mad. Perhaps I have become delusional and ill. Perhaps it's because I don't want to forget and move on with my life.
Because without you, my love, I know there is no purpose in my life.
And you're gone…
You died to save us all. For many, it was expected. It was the only way to rid the world of darkness and evil.
But did you realize that you took my heart and soul with you when you went to the grave?
I remember that day at your funeral. Throngs of witches and wizards from all over the globe came to pay their last respects to the Boy Who Lived. The Chosen One. The Savior of the world.
I watched the service at a distance, in fear that I would lose all sense of reason if I drew any closer.
I was on the brink of throwing myself unto your coffin and beg to be burned with you.
I was so very near my breaking point. I turned away.
I couldn't… I just couldn't… bear to look on anything anymore.
I could not…no—never accept the fact that you're gone.
But you are.
Ron tried his best to comfort me, to show how much he loves me and to persuade me to forget and move on. He even moved our wedding to a sooner date.
I tried my best to do what you asked me to do: To make him happy, to love him and to protect him.
But I realize now that he doesn't deserve me. I don't know how he can bear each day loving me knowing that I could never reciprocate his feelings the way he wants me to.
He deserves someone who would love him as any wife would love her husband. He doesn't deserve this sham of a marriage.
Perhaps he's starting to realize all this. Perhaps that explains his long absences which grow longer as each month passes by.
If only there was some spell or potion that could heal these wounds, but there isn't.
Not even his love is enough anymore…
Why did you have to leave me so suddenly?
Why didn't we turn that one night into the beginning of a long and happy life?
If I had only been with you, you wouldn't have recklessly thrown your life away.
You had a choice. You always had a choice.
Even in the face of death, you could have chosen to fight and live… but you didn't.
You had a choice to promise me you'll come back to me… but you didn't.
You had a choice to take me, choose to be with me and love me… but you didn't.
Why?
Perhaps you gave up on us. Perhaps you convinced yourself that you could never have me. Perhaps you still couldn't bear the thought of betraying your best friend.
Our best friend.
Once again, that pain, that guilt, that agony overwhelms me just as strongly and as vividly as it did four years ago, during our last year at Hogwarts.
The year that held so much promise for me and for us.
The year that held so much joy and happiness as well as so much pain and despair.
The year that I dwell in each and every single day.
The year we broke the agonizing silence of our hearts.