Disclaimer: I do not own KHR
Sometimes I envisioned stabbing myself when looking into the mirror. Why was I even here? I would think. Why couldn't I just die in peace? Why did I have to relive my death every single night?
In my previous life, I had been shot dead. I felt like my body was exploding, it hurt so much. I wanted to scream, to cry and to just give up.
I did give up.
But then I was reborn into a world where my brother would be woken up by gunshots every morning. I was reborn into a world where I would be sorely reminded of the fact that I had died with a bullet in my body, a gaping hole that had blood gushing out by the second, that had me die from blood loss.
Dying felt suffocating. I felt so light-headed, grasping for oxygen, but every breath I took only hurt me even more.
I just had to be reborn into a world where I was reminded that I had felt so weak, so useless, so vulnerable, so… painful. Whenever I woke up, it was usually to the expectation that I would still be lying on that concrete ground, bleeding my guts out. I didn't, but I always felt the twinges of pain whenever I touched the wound that should have been there but wasn't.
I hated the mafia.
So I hated my father.
He was confused as to why his adorable little 'Tamaki-chan' would glare at him like he was the spawn of the devil.
I didn't regret his heart-broken expression, but I did feel guilty at Nana's 'what-did-I-do-wrong' look.
The truth was, I never realised that I had been reborn until Tsuna joined the equation two years after I was born.
It struck a chord in me, watching the little baby with gravity-defying strands of hair.
It was familiar.
I had run to the toilet to throw up my lunch. It was too surreal. I should be dead. So why wasn't I?
I didn't hate Tsuna, no one with a heart honestly could. Instead, I loved him. It was the same for Mama. No matter how ditzy she was, despite being gossiped about by the mean neighbours, despite being the only parent around to raise two children, she never once abandoned us.
Iemitsu was different. I understood that he wanted to keep us safe. I understood his intentions. Despite my bias, he could be a good husband. But I would never consider him a father.
Where was he when I first learned to talk and walk? Where was he when I got into my first fist fight? Where was he when I won my first green belt at the tender age of five? Where was he when I made my first friend, a violent little brat called Hibari Kyoya?
Where was he when Tsuna fell sick with a sudden illness and needed to be hospitalised? Where was he when Mama stayed up all night, looking after my little brother? Where was he when Mama cried for him at night, calling for him to please Iemitsu, I miss you, when will you come back?
He was never there. So I never respected him, only hated him, and I hated him even more every single year that he was gone.
How dare he push for Tsuna to be immerged into the mafia lifestyle? How dare the Ninth Vongola Boss seal away my little brother's flames? How dare the both of them manipulate my brother like that?
But dying once had taught me the art of cowardice. I would always put myself before everything else, then Mama and Tsuna.
I hated myself for it, but somehow, I felt comforted by the fact that I wouldn't be lying on the ground, a hole in my stomach.
Dying made you respect your own life before everything else, but it also made you feel like you had nothing else besides your own life to lose.
I had to learn how to love my mother and Tsuna. I had to ingrain myself, fight against my screaming instincts.
I knew that the moment the two of them didn't need me anymore, I would gladly take my own life.
I had died, I was tired of life. I was jealous of the fact that others could smile and laugh so easily, while I had to dig deep within myself for the emotion of 'happiness'. The void of death had took so much, but it never succeeded in taking me.
Apathy, dysphoria, and the occasional schizophrenia. None of them were serious enough to be noticed. I hid these symptoms and behaved as I usually did. I didn't want to make Mama and Tsuna worry.
When I was four, I wanted to enrol myself in a martial-arts class. I wanted to drive away all my brother's bullies, by brute force if necessary. Mama was delighted for some reason, and showed me all the dojos and the different martial arts. I picked karate.
Dying made me feel weak. I used that weakness, emphasized by my constant apathy to drive myself onwards. I wouldn't leave my brother to the wolves; but in order to protect him, I had to be strong enough to protect myself.
I fully admitted to myself that I was selfish.
Then, I met a boy that made me take that statement back.
He was blatantly selfish, and ignored just about every plead and advice shot his way.
His name was Hibari Kyoya, and he was the brattiest person that I had ever met.
I first met him in elementary. He had attacked several students and teachers by scratching, clawing and biting them.
Somehow, I had intruded on his unestablished territory, so he attacked me. I did the first thing that came to my mind- I kicked him. He fell off the tree.
Apparently by defeating him that one time, I had humiliated him. So he kept coming after me. Each time, he got harder to beat. But each time, I won.
Sometime around the fifty-third win, we became sort-of friends.
(I had absolutely no idea how it worked.)
Mama had been extremely happy when I told her that I now had a friend. Tsuna, being the adorable four-year-old that he was, clapped his hands and cheered for his 'onee-san'.
When I was seven, Iemitsu came back.
When I first saw him sitting on the couch with an old man, I did the first thing that I could think of. I threw a potted plant at him.
Unfortunately, the man dodged.
"Tamaki-chan!" The man wailed. I took the chance to punch him as he tried to grab me.
"Stay away from me you paedophile!" I hissed. It was slightly entertaining to see how the man froze.
"I'm not a paedophile!" The man cried. I kicked him.
"Then who are you? If you're robbers, I'm throwing another pot at you." I pointed out.
"I'm your father and that's my boss!" Iemitsu declared.
A split second, then…
"I don't have a father." I stated calmly.
"Tamaki-chan…"
"And don't refer to me so intimately. If you're close enough to your boss that you brought him over to our house for the first time that you've ever visited us, then I demand that you send more money than the meagre fifty thousand yen that you're sending Mama."
"Uh…" Iemitsu trailed off.
"A million, no, ten million would do." I nodded resolutely.
I watched the two men's faces when they realised that I was exorting money from Iemitsu.
"Papa works at a construction site, Tamaki-chan." Iemitsu tried.
"Bullshit." I proceeded to take out a postcard of a mountainous region.
"This is an uninhabited island. It's a religious site. No one would ever hire construction workers to work there." I jabbed a finger at the picture.
I saw Nono close his eyes in thinly-veiled exasperation.
"So what are you working as, if not as a construction worker?" I asked.
"So you've found us out, Tamaki-chan. We work as undercover police agents." The old man whispered to me, in an attempt to save Iemitsu.
"I see." I replied, not impressed in the least. "But last I heard, a Hibari was the head of the police. You're not the boss."
"He's the boss of the secret agents!" Iemitsu laughed nervously.
"My best friend is a Hibari." I spoke slowly like I was speaking to a stupid dog.
"Ahahaha! Uh, where's Nana?"
"Ten million yen a month. Or I tell Mama that you've been lying to her. She's in the grocery store."
"Of course!" Iemitsu agreed all-too-readily, and ran out of the door.
"My brother and I deny all blood relations to that man." I pointedly told Nono.
"Why are you telling me that, Tamaki-chan?" The old man raised an eyebrow.
"You're a boss of something, and I want an official contract so that I can shove something into his face."
I placed a piece of printed paper.
The old man blinked.
"Tsuna got Iemitsu to sign it. Now you sign it. And seal it with some official wax or something." I shrugged.
"Isn't that too harsh?" The old man attempted.
"No. He made Mama cry. Now sign this damn thing." I snapped. The old man sighed. I didn't leave a way out for him. For him, not signing would mean that he was proving my suspicions of them hiding something. Besides, to him, it was probably a child trying to play lawyer.
He signed it with a fountain pen from his pocket, and sealed it with some sort of wax thingy. It was interesting to look at the process. He lit the wax on fire with a lighter and let a fair amount drip on the paper. Then, he pressed something metal into the paper, forming a shape.
"Thanks!" I took it gleefully. The old man probably thought that it was some sort of child's play or revenge.
He would see his mistake eight years later, with that piece of paper forgotten in the deep vestiges of his mind in favour of Tsuna's Sky Flames.
Tsuna still met the dog. He still burst into orange flames. Nono and Iemitsu saw. Nono moved to press a flame-infused finger to Tsuna's head, but was stopped when I shielded my brother, using the contract from earlier to conveniently ward the old man off.
Too distracted with Tsuna's pure Sky flames, he didn't notice the contract getting caught in his flames, officially making it a mafia-approved contract.
"Don't touch my brother." I snapped at him, and herded a sobbing Tsuna to Kyoya's house, ignoring the two men's protests.
I got Tsuna to stay there until the two men returned to wherever they came from, giving Mama a quick call to tell her where we were.
As it turned out, Tsuna was the one to introduce Kyoya to the animal kingdom, being interested in lions at the time.
Neither Tsuna nor Kyoya would remember their first meeting, but Tsuna came out of it learning how to throw a basic punch, and Kyoya got his catchphrase.
Sometime around then, I earned my green belt. I had improved greatly due to Kyoya's attack attempts, but was taking it slow.
At first, it was annoying, but when I met his mother, it got a lot better.
Hibari Yun was a very nice woman. She was bubbly, but her gung-ho manner was also a cause of irritation for her son.
After hearing about Kyoya attacking me everywhere, she managed to convince her son to limit the attacks to once per day. She became my favourite person outside of the family.
Kyoya's father was very strict and stoic, which was kind of expected, being the head of the Police Department and all. He took time off occasionally to teach the both of us.
But I liked them, and that was all that mattered, no matter how much Kyoya would twitch and complain in the future, whenever I threatened to call his parents.
I was eight, and the three of us were living in luxury, when Mama somehow won three tickets to Italy.
The plane trip there was surprisingly uneventful.
In my previous life, I had loved to travel around. I took all sorts of transportations: Car, Train, Ferry and Planes.
Because of that, unlike my family members, I was very well-versed in the flight safety rules and everything else.
In Italy…
"Is that Iemitsu?" I asked aloud, spotting a familiar blond man dressed in a neat suit. The blond man abruptly froze. He then turned around and laughed nervously.
"Ah! Dear! What are you doing in Italy?" He was wearing a black suit.
"More accurately, what happened to being a construction worker?" I cut in, glaring daggers at the man. He took a step back, still unused to the idea of his daughter hating his guts.
"Uh… You see, I got a promotion! So I got transferred to a desk job in Italy!"
"Oh really." I stated sceptically.
"It was recent, Tama-chan! See, I saved my boss and…" The man proceeded to create a highly fantastical story. I exchanged disbelieving looks with Tsuna, while Mama cooed over how manly it was.
"So why are you wearing a suit? Desk jobs don't need suits." I pointed out.
"I'm going to a meeting!"
"After you just suggested a date with Mama?" I gleefully pointed him out on his bullshit.
"It's later in the night! It never hurts to be prepared! Hahaha!" Iemitsu laughed.
I felt myself twitch slightly.
"I wanna see where you work!" Tsuna spoke up, covering for me. I felt myself smile despite myself. He was a good kid.
"Uh, well…" Iemitsu paused, unsure of how to respond.
"Alright! Let's go! I'm sure Mama would like to see where Iemitsu works!" I announced cheerfully. Mama nodded and looked at Iemitsu with those puppy-dog eyes for hers. He crumbled like a cookie.
"Alright." He nodded.
Tsuna and I thus met Xanxus for the first time. He was… harsh.
"To father issues." I raised my plastic cup almost mockingly.
"Shut up trash." The older boy grumbled and turned away from us. He had hogged the sofa in the waiting room.
Tsuna shrunk down and sniffed.
"Don't talk to my brother like that!" I yelled at him.
"Fuck off!" He responded. I threw my cup at him.
He slowly turned over.
"Trash. Did you just throw a cup at me?" He demanded.
"So what if I did? You don't get to yell at Tsuna like that!" I retorted, letting loose my Killing Intent just like he had.
My Killing Intent was far stronger despite knowing that I was much weaker than him. The void of Death had something to do with that.
A moment passed. I reigned in my Killing Intent, ignoring the low voices that enticed me to 'dig in'.
"I've never let anyone yell at Tsuna. Not your father, not Iemitsu, not those foolish children back in Japan. You're no different." I told him. There was something like grudging approval in his eyes.
He didn't respect me, not yet. But at least he now saw me as something other than a weak civilian girl.
"You'd be a good addition to the Varia if you were stronger." He muttered. My eyes sharpened.
"What's the Varia?"
"Your father didn't tell you?" Amber eyes narrowed suspiciously.
"I don't have a father." I stated pointedly.
"The Varia is an assassination squad." He spoke lowly.
Tsuna squeaked.
"No, don't tell me… Mafia." I let my eyes widen, as my heart beat frantically in my chest. Mafia meant guns. And guns meant… I forced myself to remain calm.
Xanxus made a grunt.
"And guns?" I didn't quite manage to hide the fear in my voice. Tsuna looked at me, concerned.
"Why, trash? Afraid?" He took out a gun and waved them tauntingly.
I took in a shaky breath, trying to ignore how much it hurt. Forget the blood, forget the blood! It's in the past!
I choked on my saliva and started coughing, wincing when my hands touched my stomach.
"You've been shot." The teenager observed with sharp eyes.
I didn't reply.
He fired twice. I flinched the first time, but stopped my reflex action the second time.
"Nee-chan?" Tsuna tugged on my shirt with brown, concerned eyes.
"It's nothing Tsu-kun. Nice onii-san here was just teaching me how to not be afraid." I patted his hair gently, and managed to ignore the bullet that almost grazed me.
But my slight breathiness gave me away.
"Tch." Xanxus rolled his eyes. "Coward."
I promptly kicked the table towards him. He shot at the table, purposely trying to incite my fear.
"Fuck off." I repeated his own words.
"What does fuck mean?" Tsuna asked. I blinked.
"Ask the nice onii-san, Tsu-kun." I smirked, even as the teenager scowled.
"It means sex, brat."
"What's sex?"
Xanxus and I shared a glare.
"Ask Iemitsu. If he asks, Xanxus said it." Tsuna nodded sagely at my adivce. Xanxus threw a cup at me.
"Real mature." I drawled, ignoring the fact that he was roughly ten years older than me.
"Rot in hell." He snapped.
The both of us fell silent when Tsuna wandered out to search for Iemitsu. Xanxus and I exchanged glances.
"So, twenty on Iemitsu wailing and coming up here to shout at you for corrupting my little brother." I attempted awkwardly.
"Like hell I'm going to take that, trash." Xanxus snorted.
"Trash." I repeated mockingly and rolled my eyes.
A bullet missed me by an inch.
I barely suppressed my flinch.
"Chicken." The teenager scoffed.
"At least I don't take pride in bullying a child." I retorted.
"Child? You're what, twelve?"
"I'm eight actually." I informed him and took great pride in seeing the rare moment of shock on his face.
He opened his mouth for another insult when Iemitsu came in screaming.
"How could you taint my adorable Tuna-fish's innocence?"
"I am not related to that man in any way." I told Xanxus with a blank face, then walked out of the room, effectively leaving my 'cousin' to the wolves.
Hearing the ongoing fight and shouting match, I didn't regret a single moment.
(I took a video and kept the tape in the same place as the failsafe contract. Reborn would never find them.)
We returned back to Japan. I never told anyone that I knew about the mafia, and Tsuna thought that the onii-san was just playing a violent game.
I didn't have to heart to correct him.
School was boring. Since I aced all my subjects easily, I started teaching Tsuna.
As it turned out, without the sealing of his flames, he learned fairly quickly.
I mentally cursed Nono, and decided that the contract lying safely in my safe was revenge enough.
Kyoya and I were the same age. So I ascended to middle school at the same time as him.
He started his Disciplinary Committee in a week. I was mainly just there for damage control. Kusakabe was an amazing person. He settled just about all the paperwork that Kyoya shoved to me. Being the responsible friend that I was, I grudgingly did a small share of it, then dumped the rest on his sleeping form.
He never managed to beat me, although there were more than a few close calls.
It took two years for Tsuna to rise up to middle-school.
While he wasn't called Dame-Tsuna now, he retained his shy personality.
But for some damn reason, I still had to beat bullies away.
One day, I finally had enough and stormed up to Kyoya.
"Help me protect my brother." I demanded.
"…"
"Tsuna hates hurting people. And for some reason, people don't like to leave him alone. So help me protect him. There will be lots of prey to bite to death." That last sentence clinched it.
Honestly, I doubted my sanity for being friends with him, not that I was actually sane to begin with.
When Reborn came, courtesy of Iemitsu's phone call to Mama, I took everything in stride, although I got Mama to confiscate the weapons, under the excuse of 'It's too noisy to study and my grades will fall if the noise keeps up'. Sawada Nana was not the best mother in the world, but she tried her best to be.
As it happened, when Tsuna got his first few guardians, I was spending most of my time at the Hibari house, so I never really met them.
Until the day Reborn tricked Tsuna and co. into going into the Reception Room that is.
That day, I walked into the room, with the sight of a Gokudera Hayato lying on the ground, barely conscious, and Yamamato Takeshi gripping his broken arm.
"Kyoya. What are you doing to my little brother?" I interrupted, unable to bear seeing Tsuna getting hit in the face with the tonfa.
Kyoya lowered his weapons and glared unrepentantly at me.
"Tsu-kun, are you alright?" I fussed over my little brother, ignoring the hitman's mutters about how Tsuna would never get stronger at this rate.
"Y-Yes, nee-chan." Tsuna stammered, before helping his friends out of the room.
I watched the three of them bemusedly.
"Fight me!" Kyoya demanded from the infant.
I sighed. Whatever happened now was none of my business. So I walked out.
The moment I met Rokudo Mukuro was the moment when I finally found someone who I could relate to.
"You've died six times before." I told him.
"You died." His eyes narrowed at my implications.
"How? How did you manage to survive the void? How do you still manage to feel? Why haven't you just given up yet?" I knew I sounded hysterical, but this- I needed to know. How did he not give in to all those temptations, why hadn't he killed himself yet?
"I never knew anything else." He told me, red eye focused on me intently. "And my hatred had always been the strongest."
I fell silent. I knew that the other two males were watching us quizzically.
"The void. What about the void? Did it take nothing away from you?" I asked him, anger seething deep within.
"I didn't have much for the void to take." There. There it was. Somehow, I expected that all along. A part of me knew that instinctively. I had been a twenty-something year old woman when I had died. I had known happy memories and fierce bonds. But Rokudo Mukuro had been a child when he had died. So of course the void wouldn't have found his emotions appealing like mine had; he had yet to experience life.
"I see." I said plainly.
"Which realm did you go through?" The boy asked me. I didn't care anymore.
"None. I went through the void." In more ways than one, that answer was both chillingly frightening, but it also sounded much kinder.
I was spared the gruesome deaths of his, but I had so much more taken away.
Mukuro seemed surprised.
"The void can't possibly be…" He trailed off, seeing the serious look in my eye.
"You're serious." He breathed out.
"Yes. I am." I nodded. This was a talk that only those who had experienced death would know.
"The void?" He asked.
"The void takes away all your emotions. You remember those emotions, you remember all those memories, but you're unable to feel them, not without reaching deep within yourself for them. I already forgot what shock and surprise felt like." I admitted softly.
Mukuro stared at me silently.
"It was nice talking to you, Rokudo Mukuro. I do wish you luck in tearing down the mafia." I told him and walked out. He didn't bother stopping me.
We had both died before. We were both comrades in a strange, twisted way. I was not a pawn for him to use, that had been made clear from the moment I mentioned the 'void'.
I wasn't there when Kyoya and Tsuna fought him. Nor did I care. Mukuro and I could fight each other, but it was preferable for us to not to. The human instinct of wanting companionship in a world that didn't understand came a long way.
Mafia Land was an interesting place. It only got more interesting when I met Skull.
"I'm the Immortal Skull!" The Cloud Acrobaleno announced in a fashion not unlike that of Lambo.
"Immortal? Really?" I asked.
"Yep!" Skull nodded.
But to know one was immortal, one had to first experience death.
"Did you ever see the void?" This question could only be understood by a select few. But Skull understood it.
"I got away before it could get me." He told me warily, his earlier bubbly personality gone. But there was something else in his voice- Delight? Wonder?
"Oh. I went through the void. It's preferable to die than to have its influence within you." I told the infant softly.
"Will you be-?" He didn't finish his question.
"No. Yes. Maybe. I'm tired of having to force myself to feel." I admitted. There was no shame in telling. There was always a stark difference between those who had died and those who were alive. The ones who died were few and far between; we wouldn't give each other away unless necessary.
We were not like the fickle living. Because those who had died should have remained dead.
In the end, the dead would stand together. It was the only way for us.
When Iemitsu came back after years of absence, I kicked him off the couch, and gave all his alcohol away.
"Tsuna, I can give you a choice. You can choose to quit the mafia, and no one will stop you. But you'll lose Reborn, you'll lose Hayato, and you'll lose Mukuro. You can choose to stay, but everyone close to you might get hurt." I told Tsuna one day.
To Tsuna, he only had one choice. To get stronger. He never did give me a clear answer, so the contract remained in the bottom of my drawer.
I felt like he was merely running away.
"You know him?" Tsuna almost shrieked.
"Eh? You don't remember him, Tsu-kun? He's the nice onii-san that taught you your first curse word." I informed Tsuna a little more gleefully than usual.
I hid a smirk when Xanxus shot at me. As before, the bullet missed me by inches.
"I still have the video, you know." I announced out loud, and skipped away from the bullets that landed closer than before.
He had in some way, helped me get over my fear of guns. I still feared getting shot, but the instinctive flinch was now easily suppressed.
"Fuck off, trash." He snarled.
It was a pity that I didn't have anything to throw at him this time.
"Yeah yeah, fuck you too." I rolled my eyes and strode off.
(Strange, I seemed to be a lot more expressive recently.)
I returned to the school at night on the last day.
There was a large man with a huge spiky iron ball.
"…What are you here for?" I asked him warily.
"I owe someone a favour." He stated just as suspiciously.
"Right." I eyed him for a few more seconds before continuing my steady pace towards the school.
The man followed me.
"Please stop following me." I stated out loud.
"Not following you. I owe Vongola a favour."
"Vongola?" I stopped in the middle of the road. "What did my little brother do?"
"The Vongola heir is your little brother?"
"Something like that." I punched a man wearing some sort of uniform in the face, and tripped the other two.
The next few years whizzed past rapidly.
Tamaki graduated to college and got herself a room just opposite that of two boys: Irie Shouichi and Byakuran Gesso.
Just her luck.
.
"Byakuyan?" Tamaki twitched slightly at the marshmallow-covered room.
"It's Byakuran, Tama-chan. Come on in!" The albino invited her in.
"No thank you." The marshmallows on the ceiling looked like they might fall anytime soon. (She honestly didn't want to know how they got up there.)
.
Shouichi knocked on her door. Tamaki rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and let him in.
"I really appreciate this." Shouichi thanked her.
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I want my sleep. Next time, just tell Shiro to get the fuck out." Tamaki snapped and curled up once again in her bed, even though she knew that Shouichi was just too proper to actually repeat her words.
Somehow, she managed to sleep through the sound of loud music coming from the room opposite hers.
.
"C'mon, Tama-chan, stop worrying!" Byakuran held her notes out of her reach.
"Finals are next week! Give them back!" She hated how short she was.
"Nope~!" Byakuran smiled, avoiding her grasp.
"Damnit! Shouichi! Help me out here!" Tamaki yelled. Shouichi ignored me, busy studying his own notes.
"Traitors." She muttered, striding indignantly past the albino.
.
"Idiots, the both of you!" Tamaki chided the two boys as she dragged them to her room. The both of them were drunk.
Byakuran muttered something that sounded like 'Yes mum!'
Tamaki slapped him upside on his head.
.
It didn't surprise her when Byakuran eventually turned into a world-dominating mastermind.
"If you ever hurt my brother, Byakuran, I will have full rights in stabbing you." She snapped at him as she snatched up the ring offered. It was red. Huh.
.
"What do you mean, Shouichi? This isn't the real Mare ring. Byakuran would never let me be one of his guardians when he's not my first priority." Tamaki informed the Sun. She didn't mention the fact that technically she didn't really have a Dying Will Flame to begin with.
.
"I don't take kindly to traitors." Byakuran told Tamaki, cold purple eyes observing her.
He had changed so much, so fast.
But it was a reprieve when he killed her, through a concentrated burst of Sky Flames.
Tamaki noticed that he never did torture her like he did to his enemies. She fell, the sound of soft rain the last thing that she heard.
(If death has come for me, don't fret, my dear. Because this was the moment that I've always been waiting for.
I loved you far too much, you were my love and my light. I will never regret what I did. Don't expect me to apologize.
You were my sun and my sky. I was the wind, your guide. I was the moon in the night that brought you all that light.
Don't try to deny, I knew what you thought of me. Even if it wasn't love at first sight.
You would be my sun and my sky, back when I still lived and loved. I hope that you'll find the stars once more.
I loved you far too much. I loved that look in your eye. That smile on your face that held nothing but pure joy.
I was happy till the end. I loved you far too much. Because you both are my darling boys.
You were my sun and my sky. You made me remember a time. When I lived. When I loved. When I was the wind. When I felt so right.)
I woke up with a gasp stuck in my throat. The feeling of the void grew stronger. I felt more dysphoric than ever before.
'Byakuran.' I remembered with a touch of wistful anger.
Why had I gotten involved?
Because you only see them now as human.
I rubbed my eyes and got out of my bed, knowing that Tsuna and his little gang would appear any time soon.
I thought it strange that I knew none of them personally, except for Kyoya.
There just hadn't been that much time.
Weeks passed.
I was about to leave when Tsuna introduced Enma to me.
"He's a lot like me." Tsuna admitted somewhat sheepishly.
"He is adorable and considerate, yes." I nodded, kindly ignoring Enma's growing blush.
"Right, the two of you take care! I'm going to meet a friend in Kyoto."
"U-Um…" Tsuna stuttered, evidently trying to say something.
"Yes, Tsu-kun?"
"Nee-chan, you haven't been spending a lot of time with me since Reborn came." He spoke slowly, hands trembling slightly.
"Sorry, Tsu-kun, but I just don't like what you're involved in right now. It's uncomfortable for me. But nee-chan's always here for you. Just call me if you need help, okay?" I bent down slightly.
Tsuna nodded, a bright smile blooming on his face.
"Have fun!" I called over my shoulder, and strode out of the door.
Skull was waiting for me after all.
"So." I started.
"So. Byakuran. Do you remember?" Skull asked me, clutching his pacifier.
"Only snippets of the future. Not everything, but enough for me to get an idea of what happened."
"You cried when I was going to die." Skull admitted. I was surprised.
"I-Really? But my emotions have never been…" I didn't need to finish. He knew what the void was like. Just a short exposure to it was enough.
"I think future-you loved Byakuran. But we had some sort of special connection."
I didn't reply. I had a special connection with Skull and Mukuro, true. But the thought of loving somebody romantically was very surprising.
"Platonically." Skull corrected.
"That makes much more sense." I admitted wryly.
"Tamaki, I know that this might be touchy…" Skull took off his helmet. "But do you remember anything about before your death?"
"Very little. I only remember that I loved to travel. I was like the wind, nothing could stop me, but death apparently. I was shot by a gun." My hand rested on my stomach. The familiar ache was still there, but it no longer hurt so much.
"And the mafia has guns." Skull noted, a touch of irony in his voice. I didn't miss his bitter smile.
"Yeah." I nodded. "You don't have to be in the mafia, y'know? You're Skull. Not just the Cloud Acrobaleno."
"I know." He sighed softly.
"The void's gotten stronger." I told him, trying to veer away from dangerous waters.
"Why?"
"Because I died in the future, but I'm still alive. The void inherently knows that. It's trying to take me back. I… I might not be able to stand up to it." I felt a cold chill travel up my spine.
Skull stared at me sadly, knowing that no one could help me.
(The void's getting stronger. Feed us, give us more, until you are nothing but a distant memory.)
I met Byakuran and Yuni in the park, a day after Skull asked me to be his representative.
"Tama-chan~!" The albino had called to me.
I ignored him and continued to read my book.
"Tama-chan, you don't remember me?" He snatched away my book and held it up high.
"Please return that to me. I have no idea who you are." I told him icily.
"We're best friends in the future!" The albino announced. I blinked several times.
"Right…"
The mushroom-hat wearing girl strode up to me and smiled.
"Nice to meet you! I'm Yuni!"
I had the strangest feeling that this meeting might just end in disaster.
"Nice to meet you?"
"Tama-chan hates me, doesn't she?" Byakuran mock-sniffed. I stood up and slapped him.
"Yes, she does. And she will hate you even more if you don't leave her alone." I snapped pointedly and snatched my book back. He had made me remember the void. I closed my eyes and breathed in through my nose. I hated the void, even though it ran in my very blood.
I tried to continue reading, but I found that none of the written words registered in my head. Not when purple eyes were blatantly staring at me.
"Leave me alone." I hissed.
"Hmm~ Nope." The albino popped a marshmallow into his mouth.
I felt a sharp spike of irritation, and was momentarily surprised by the strong emotion.
"What do you want?" I asked. The nightmares were coming back, more vividly than ever.
"I just wanted to see Tamaki-chan again." The albino smiled at me. There was a glimmer of suspicion present in his lavender eyes.
"Just, please. Just leave. I don't- I don't want to see you." I murmured. I felt so tired. Killing me was fine. But reverting back to the past… Making me remember the void so clearly was just unforgivable, not that he knew that. I gave him a brief, bitter glance.
I shook my head and stood up. No point in going back home. The only choices I had left were Mukuro or Skull. Mukuro was busy with Verde, and was unlikely to be as sympathetic, so Skull it was.
"I saw Byakuran with your Sky." I told Skull the moment I saw him.
"Eh? What did he want?"
"He wanted to see me again." I laughed harshly.
"Tamaki, you need to relax. The stress is affecting you." Skull advised gently.
"I… Yeah, I know." I raked a hand through my long hair.
Why couldn't I just die in peace?
The next day had Byakuran at my doorstep, this time without Yuni.
"You don't give up, do you?" I gave him a sidelong glance, stepping out of the house so that Tsuna wouldn't freak out when he saw the albino.
"Of course not!" The albino told me cheerfully, popping a marshmallow into his mouth. I snatched the packet away.
"Don't eat it in the morning. You'll get stomach-aches." I scolded. For some reason, I still thought of him and Shouichi as 'my boys'. Shouichi was easy to keep an eye on, he practically lived next door. Byakuran, however, was hard to track. There was some part of an underlying grudge that I still held over his head.
Byakuran didn't protest, but he did give me a thoughtful look.
(I hated myself. I lost so much, but why did I keep making new bonds, bonds that I couldn't bear to break?)
I touched Byakuran's scars. It was surreal.
"You scare me sometimes." I admitted softly. But fear was easily ignored; I was dead after all.
"Hmm, really~?" The albino popped another marshmallow into his mouth, though he did tilt his head slightly so that he could look at me from the corner of his eye.
"Mm, yeah." But I liked the feeling, because it had come naturally, because I had thought myself to be emotionless. This was left unsaid. This Byakuran and I had reached some sort of understanding, but I still didn't trust him, not yet.
He had killed me. While I didn't begrudge him for it, it didn't mean that I was fully comfortable with that fact either.
"I did say sorry." He pouted. It was hard to think that my future-self had been one of his best friends.
"Yeah, you did." I muttered, rubbing my index finger over the scars where his wings would grow from.
I was envious. Because before I had died, I remembered loving. I loved everything, my home was the very earth itself. Once, I had been able to fly freely, but now, I could barely remember what life was like back then. All I knew were gut instincts fuelled by my intuition.
I was snapped out of my thoughts when a packet of marshmallows was shoved into my face.
"Don't look so sad, Tama-chan." Byakuran beamed at me. I smiled, and took one.
"Idiot." I chided, but there was no real heat behind it.
Byakuran caught the packet of marshmallows that I threw at him and slipped his shirt back on.
He grinned. I sighed. If I hadn't received my future memories, maybe I would have an easier time just ignoring him.
"Wait, wait, the two of you were friends?" Tsuna asked incredulously.
I shrugged. "Apparently."
Byakuran caught my hint almost immediately.
"She called me Byakuyan for the first two years." He smirked. I gently slapped his arm.
"And you believe him? He killed you!" Tsuna's voice rose gradually.
"Maybe. I don't mind dying actually." I admitted. Because how many times had I wanted to slit my throat, to take that penknife and cut my wrists and feel the pulsing blood flow out? How many times had I considered jumping off the rooftop, or getting hit by a car?
Death didn't frighten me; the void had made sure of that. Because if I died once more (and properly at that), I could be free from the void.
"Don't- Don't ever say that!" Tsuna shouted, tears gathering in his eyes.
I pulled my little brother in for a hug.
"I want you to live." He sniffed. "I want you to live old enough so that you can see me have children and be their aunt." He muttered softly.
"Tsu-kun." I unsuccessfully tried to smooth down his gravity-defying hair. Byakuran pointedly turned away, not wanting to partake in this private conversation.
I couldn't promise that. There was no way that I could promise that. I didn't want to live in the first place. Only my love for him and Mama made me stay. Because they needed me; they needed my protection.
But if Tsuna became strong enough, could I still say that he needed me? No.
"Yes." I murmured, knowing very well that it wasn't a promise, even though it would seem that way right now to my emotional little brother. Byakuran's eyes sharpened slightly when he turned to face me again, that seemingly-perpetual grin slipping away.
"You didn't promise." Byakuran told me when we were safely away from any eavesdroppers.
"I can't promise that to him, Shiro." I replied.
"Why?" His purple eyes glinted slightly.
"I can't do that. I never wanted to live. The only reason I ever wanted to live was to protect him!" And then you killed me was left unsaid.
Byakuran at least had the decency to look slightly ashamed.
"To protect, huh?" His eyes gained a thoughtful gleam.
"Did you know that I got a failsafe for Tsuna in case the mafia life was too dangerous for him? I was seven, Shiro. I tricked the Vongola Ninth into signing a contract that stated that Tsuna and I did not acknowledge Iemitsu's blood in us, Flame-seal and all."
"Why didn't you use it?" Byakuran sounded genuinely curious.
"Because he was happy." And that was all to it.
A/N: So, I stopped here because I really didn't want to touch on the Representative Battles just yet. I'm not very good at writing the antagonists, I know. Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.