"What's all that racket upstairs?" Spike asked as he patiently let Buffy
rewrap his ribs. He tried to explain to her that he would be fine, but it
made her feel better to wrap the gauzy bandages around his chest, so he
didn't say anything about it again.
"They're putting up Christmas decorations," Buffy explained without looking up from her task. "Can you raise your arms higher?"
Spike obliged. "Why are they putting decorations up?"
"The girls wanted to. I thought that it would be good for them. They're scared."
Spike grunted, indicating he understood. They should be scared. They should be so scared that Christmas decorations were the furthest possible thing from their minds, but they were just children. Just little girls, like Dawn, who were thrown into a war because maybe, one day, they could have real superpowers. "They putting up a tree?"
"Yeah, can't have Christmas without a tree." She finished and stepped back, admiring her handy work. "Is that comfortable?"
"It's fine."
"I'm going to put some of that salve that Willow made on your face."
Spike grimaced, "That stings. Do you really need to?"
"It'll just sting for a minute." Buffy worked quietly for a few moments, occasionally blowing on wounds on his face to sooth them. "They need to celebrate Christmas this year."
"Why?"
"The girls.they have their faith to get them through this. It wouldn't hurt to reaffirm it."
"Faith in God?"
"They figure if there is a First Evil, there is First Good."
"Maybe."
"Don't you believe in God?"
"Never met the man, myself. Maybe, a long time ago, I believed I God. You?"
Buffy shook her head. "I wonder sometimes. I never met him either. I still pray, though I don't know who hears it. I hope my mom does."
"Maybe she can." The turn of the conversation made Spike slightly uncomfortable. If there was God, He didn't love him. Spike was an abomination, and had never been welcomed into a house of Worship. God made him blister and burn and bleed and hiss in pain and horror. It wouldn't do him any good to pray.
"Do you wanna come upstairs later?" Buffy asked.
Spike shook his head, "Not really."
"Are you scared you'll hurt them?"
"Yeah, I am."
"You haven't had an.episode.since you got back," Buffy pointed out.
"Just not up to it," Spike said quietly, thinking of everybody's reaction to him. The Witch was polite, Niblet ignored him, Harris was almost civil, Giles wanted to ask him a million questions that Spike didn't really want to answer, and the girls all stared at him like he was fucking animal in a zoo. The whole thing made him distinctly uncomfortable, and he just wanted to lick his wounds in private.
"The girls are curious about you. Apparently they've never met a vampire."
"Are you sure they don't just want to stake me?"
Buffy smiled slightly and began packing the First Aid kit. "They don't want to stake you. I've got to be heading back up. I'll leave the key incase you want to come up later."
"Slayer, it defeats the purpose of putting me in chains if you are just going to give me the key."
"I don't think you need chains."
Spike sighed, "Just take the bloody key with you."
"Oh, fine. Do you need anything else?"
"No, I'm good."
Buffy walked up the stairs to the kitchen slowly. She didn't want to leave him down there, all by himself. But all attempts to get him to come upstairs failed. When she reached the kitchen, she was assaulted by the smells of baking cookies and a fresh pine tree.
The girls, six potential slayers and Dawn, were giggling and acting like teenagers who didn't have a care in the world. They were acting like it was a normal Christmas amidst the rubble and the threats, while a soulled vampire healed from a brutal beating, just a few feet away.
Buffy was still sore herself from the fights with Torak-han. Even with slayer healing, it was still taking time for the bruises to fade, the muscles to mend, and even a few bones to knit back together. She believed that only Spike and herself really understood what they were up against. Maybe Willow.
"Hey Buff, how's Spike?" Xander asked as he hung the Christmas lights up in the living room.
"He's better. How many lights are you putting up?"
Xander shrugged, "They girls bought like 10 strands."
Buffy sighed, and wondered if the girls understood if they spent all the money on holiday decorations, there wouldn't be anything left for food. "Thanks for doing this."
"I don't mind. It's nice to be doing something other than cleaning up after the evil trying to destroy us all."
"Where's Giles?"
"He took Anya to the supermarket. They're buying Christmas dinner. And blood for Spike."
"I'm going to patrol," Buffy informed him. "I should be back in an hour."
"Are you sure?" Xander asked, obviously worried. "Maybe you shouldn't go by yourself."
Buffy shrugged, "I'll be fine. It's just a quick sweep. I'll be back before you even know I'm gone."
////////////
Spike heard Buffy announce that she was going on patrol, and then the door bang shut behind her. He winced at the sound. He hated that he was useless to her. He couldn't help her. He was a threat to her, and everybody in this house. What good was he if he couldn't help her?
He knew he should be asleep. He would heal faster if he wasn't awake, using up his energy. The first week after Buffy found him, he slept for a week straight, waking only long enough to eat. Only within the last few days did he have enough strength to sit up and talk to Buffy. Yesterday, with Buffy's help, he went upstairs and realized that he was much, much more comfortable in the basement, by himself.
But if he was strong enough to actually help Buffy, he'd be with her right now. He'd put up with the staring and the million questions if it meant that he wasn't worthless.or something that needed to die. He closed his eyes, desperate to sleep. But he couldn't. The pain wasn't as bad, but even with Buffy's nursing skills, it wasn't gone.
He shifted, and the bed linen rubbed against his bruised and raw skin. He looked over and noticed that she did, in fact, leave the key to the chains. He rolled his eyes. Stupid bint. It briefly occurred to him that if he waited a few hours, he could run out and meet the sun and end it all. It wasn't just the physical pain, though at times that was still intense, but the mental and emotional torment was almost impossible to deal with. He had blood on his hands, and if he allowed himself to dwell on it long enough, tears would try to escape from his swollen eyes.
He was in a bad shape, and the more he thought about it, the worse it got. He didn't tell Buffy, she thought he was fine. Or rather, that he was getting better. She thought it was progress that he hadn't begged her, taunted her, or threatened her into staking him in the past week. All it really meant was that he was thinking of different options.
Spike stared at the wall, weary to his bones, but still unable to sleep. Upstairs he could hear them bang around the kitchen, and Giles and Anya returned, bearing food and drink. He wondered who was going to cook the food. It didn't matter. No batter who cooked it and how bad it tasted, they'd still eat it happily, celebrating the holiday while they still could.
Spike strained his ears, waiting for Buffy's return. He wouldn't be able to sleep until she returned, and he knew she was safe for another night, at least. Of course, when she returned, she would come down stairs and fuss over him. She would worry about him. He was one more thing that kept her from sleeping, that added lines to her face. One more thing to make her drawn and worn. One more thing to protect. One more worthless thing that can cause her pain and heartache.
/////////
"Buffy! What happened?" Giles asked when he saw her.
"Apparently there is more than one super-vamp," she said, collapsing on the couch.
"Are you ok?"
"I killed it..this time I knew what to expect, and I was better prepared. Don't worry about me," she insisted.
"Let me help you clean up," Giles offered.
Buffy nodded, "My first-aid kit is in the bathroom."
Giles went up to get it and retuned shortly. "Here, take these too. It'll help." Giles handed her 3 Aleve.
"Thanks," she said, swallowing them dry. She carefully removed her jacket and allowed Giles to clean the blood from her skin and disinfect the various scratches and wounds.
"Do you still have some of that salve you've been using on Spike?" Giles asked.
She nodded, "I'll run downstairs and get it." She knew instinctually that Spike did not want anybody else to see him in his current condition.
She made her way slowly to the basement, shaking off the girls' concerns as she walked through the kitchen. She expected Spike to be asleep, so he almost gave her a heart attack when he asked what happened to her.
"Oh, nothing. I uh.ran into another super vamp. No big deal."
"Yeah," Spike echoed, "no big deal." His guts twisted painfully though, as he remembered that his blood called them up. Watching one after another angrily, hungrily, emerge from that hole, killing machines aimed at his Slayer.
"I'm fine Spike," She assured him. "I'll be fine."
"In spite of me."
Buffy sighed and closed her eyes. "I've got to finish cleaning up, then I'll be down with some blood, ok?"
"Sure."
Buffy wasn't typically in tune with everybody else's emotions, but she could always read Spike like a book. Not that it was difficult. You didn't exactly have to be Percepto-Girl to know how Spike was feeling at any given time. But she knew that the spirit that had got him through the torture was waning now. She could sense that he was giving up, and she didn't know what to do about it.
"You know what would be a smashing good idea?" Molly asked enthusiastically as Giles finished taking care of Buffy.
"What?"
"If Spike came up here when we turned on the lights!"
"I don't think Spike would enjoy that," Buffy admitted.
"He'll only need to come up for a few minutes," another girl pointed out. Honestly, Buffy couldn't remember her name.
"Why do you want him to come up?" Buffy asked. They usually didn't express any interest in him.
"Well, we're all a family now, aren't we?"
Buffy smiled. "If he's awake, I'll ask him."
Molly beamed, "Great! Come on, we're decorating the tree now."
"I think I'll just watch."
Buffy tried to be part of the festivities, even getting off the couch to help with the tree. But she just didn't feel the spirit. It was hard to celebrate when she knew Spike was downstairs, in the dark, suffering, beating himself up for something out of his control.
She was surrounded by people, yet she felt completely alone. "Hey," Willow said, sitting beside her, "What are you doing, all mopey?"
"Moping." Buffy smiled at her friend, "I'm just worried about Spike. He's not very good right now."
"I thought you said that he was healing?" Willow asked.
"He is, physically. By next week he should be almost good as new. But he's not just battered on the outside. He blames himself for all of this," Buffy said, waving her hand, indicating the nearly wrecked house, and everybody's various injuries.
Willow frowned, "But it's not his fault at all."
"He thinks it is though. And I don't know how to tell him otherwise. I think he thinks we all blame him too. That's why he won't leave the basement."
"Maybe what Molly suggested will do him some good, then." Willow paused, "Buffy, can we talk privately?"
"Sure Will, we can go upstairs."
Willow shut the bedroom door behind her and looked at Buffy thoughtfully. "Buffy, why are you so worried about Spike?"
"Because we need his help." It was her stock answer, and she was sticking to it.
"Buffy, I know we've kinda grown apart this last year, but you don't have to lie to me."
Buffy frowned. "I have feelings for him," she offered lamely. That was her second favorite answer. They usually left her alone after she said that.
"What kind of feelings," Willow pushed.
Buffy thought of the vampire, the man, sitting in her basement, suffering quietly because he didn't want to impose on her anymore. When she told him she believed in him, she wasn't lying. She could finally see him for who he really was, and she was kicking herself for not seeing it sooner. He was brave, smart, honest..he loved her. Could she go as far as actually saying she loved him?
Oh god, could she love him? No, of course not. She just needed him for.everything. And she could count on him for...anything. And did trust him. If she didn't he wouldn't be alive, would he?
Willow waited patiently for Buffy to work it out, and honestly wasn't very surprised when she heard the answer. "Loving feelings."
"So what are you going to do about it?" Willow asked.
Buffy shook her head. "Well, right now, I'm going to go feed him." Willow knew that the conversation was over for now.
Buffy hurried downstairs, checking in the living room briefly to see that the tree was almost done. "We just need to put the star on," Dawn told her. "We're waiting for you."
"Go down and get Spike," Molly encouraged.
//////// Spike was hungry. His body was craving the blood that would help him get better. It occurred to him that he could call for Buffy, but she probably had better things to do than worry about him. No, he would be fine. He could wait.
"Spike?"
"I'm here."
"Will you come upstairs?"
"Why?"
Buffy stepped forward, "They're going to turn on all the lights, and they want everybody to be there."
"So?"
"So that includes you."
"No, it doesn't."
"Spike, we need you to be part of the team. We can't win this without you."
Spike started laughing, but it almost sounded like he was crying. "Right, because I'm so helpful, as long nobody sings. Is that why you rescued me?"
"What?"
"Did you just come for me because you need the added muscle? Because if that was the case, you should have just let the First finish me off."
"No! Don't say that. Please, Spike, they're waiting on us. I'll help you up the stairs."
Spike didn't feel like arguing with her anymore. If it made her happy for him to go upstairs and look at the Christmas lights, than that is what he would do.
With her help, he hobbled upstairs and into the living room. They thoughtfully left a place for him on the couch, and Buffy settled down next to him. He smiled slightly when he saw how excited the Niblet was. This was probably the best time she's had in a long time. And it'll probably be the last time she has a happy day. Did she know how bad things were going to get? She must. His Bit wasn't a stupid girl. Sometimes too smart for her own good.
"We ready?" Xander asked.
"Ready!" Dawn confirmed, and Xander plugged in the extension cord, ready to light up the entire room with red, green, blue, pink, purple, and white lights. The flash of light was much too bright to be the Christmas lights, and Buffy froze, certain that something horrible was about to happen. Spike shielded his eyes, surprised by the blinding, pure light. Everybody was confused, shocked into silence.
Joyce emerged from the light, glowing. Dawn gasped and stepped back. "Is it the First?" Dawn asked, nearly frozen with terror.
Joyce smiled, "No."
Buffy shook her head, "You can't be real."
Joyce looked at her, "You keep saying that Buffy. I am real, and I'm here to help." She turned her attention to Spike. "Hello, Spike. You look terrible."
Spike didn't respond. He wasn't going to talk to glowing, dead people anymore. If he had learned anything these past months, it was that glowing, dead people never had anything good to say.
"Spike, I know what you're thinking. I'm not here to hurt you. In fact," she paused and took another step towards him, "I'm going to help you."
"How?"
She gently placed her hand on his chest, and Spike felt a bolt of energy shoot through him. It wasn't painful at all. In fact, it felt very pleasant. He sighed and felt his tense muscles relax as he surrendered to the sensation. It felt like sunlight washing over him. He felt warm, comforted, loved. For a brief moment, he felt at peace. Then Joyce removed her hand. "You're healed," she informed him. "And the First won't be able to touch you."
"Mommy?" Buffy said, her voice soft and weak.
"Oh, baby, I love you so much. I'll help you whenever I can." She touched Buffy, and the same golden light flowed through Buffy, and Spike could see her bruises and cuts disappear. "I'm always watching you."
Then she was gone, and the light was dimmed. They all looked at Buffy, silent for several minutes. "How do you feel?" Spike finally asked.
"I feel strong."
He nodded, "Me too."
"Loved. I feel like we can do anything."
"Yeah," he agreed softly. The near constant pain that had been his companion in one form or another since he gained his soul was gone. "She took it all away."
"What?" Giles asked.
"The pain," Buffy answered. "She took all the pain."
Spike smiled for the first time in what seemed like forever. He felt like laughing. He felt like fighting. Energy was bringing him to life, and he almost felt like his heart was beating.
"I can do it," Buffy said softly. Then louder, "I can do it." Her whole face lit up with a smile, and her eyes were sparkling. Spike had never seen her so beautiful.
"What can you do?" Dawn asked.
"I can love."
"Uh, guys," Willow said, "I hate to interrupt, but look."
For the first time, Spike and Buffy noticed the difference in the house. It was back together, like it has never been destroyed. There were presents under the tree, and Anya informed them there was a full dinner laid out on the table in the dining room. "It must be a gift from the Powers that Be," Giles said. "I guess they're helping us."
"Spike?" Buffy said, ignoring everybody else in the room. Her heart felt like it was bursting. She had never had so much love and power in her body, and she didn't know how she could handle it all. "I love you."
Spike blinked, "What?"
She laughed, "I love you. I had to tell you, I can't keep it to myself."
"Are you sure?"
She nodded. "We'll talk more later." In the meantime, they had a holiday to celebrate. The house rang with laughter and jokes, fully lit with what seemed like thousands of lights. Cars slowed down as they passed, amazed at the sheer joy and love that was radiating from the house.
They had a world to fight for the next day, but that night, they were going to celebrate miracles, love, and hope.
"They're putting up Christmas decorations," Buffy explained without looking up from her task. "Can you raise your arms higher?"
Spike obliged. "Why are they putting decorations up?"
"The girls wanted to. I thought that it would be good for them. They're scared."
Spike grunted, indicating he understood. They should be scared. They should be so scared that Christmas decorations were the furthest possible thing from their minds, but they were just children. Just little girls, like Dawn, who were thrown into a war because maybe, one day, they could have real superpowers. "They putting up a tree?"
"Yeah, can't have Christmas without a tree." She finished and stepped back, admiring her handy work. "Is that comfortable?"
"It's fine."
"I'm going to put some of that salve that Willow made on your face."
Spike grimaced, "That stings. Do you really need to?"
"It'll just sting for a minute." Buffy worked quietly for a few moments, occasionally blowing on wounds on his face to sooth them. "They need to celebrate Christmas this year."
"Why?"
"The girls.they have their faith to get them through this. It wouldn't hurt to reaffirm it."
"Faith in God?"
"They figure if there is a First Evil, there is First Good."
"Maybe."
"Don't you believe in God?"
"Never met the man, myself. Maybe, a long time ago, I believed I God. You?"
Buffy shook her head. "I wonder sometimes. I never met him either. I still pray, though I don't know who hears it. I hope my mom does."
"Maybe she can." The turn of the conversation made Spike slightly uncomfortable. If there was God, He didn't love him. Spike was an abomination, and had never been welcomed into a house of Worship. God made him blister and burn and bleed and hiss in pain and horror. It wouldn't do him any good to pray.
"Do you wanna come upstairs later?" Buffy asked.
Spike shook his head, "Not really."
"Are you scared you'll hurt them?"
"Yeah, I am."
"You haven't had an.episode.since you got back," Buffy pointed out.
"Just not up to it," Spike said quietly, thinking of everybody's reaction to him. The Witch was polite, Niblet ignored him, Harris was almost civil, Giles wanted to ask him a million questions that Spike didn't really want to answer, and the girls all stared at him like he was fucking animal in a zoo. The whole thing made him distinctly uncomfortable, and he just wanted to lick his wounds in private.
"The girls are curious about you. Apparently they've never met a vampire."
"Are you sure they don't just want to stake me?"
Buffy smiled slightly and began packing the First Aid kit. "They don't want to stake you. I've got to be heading back up. I'll leave the key incase you want to come up later."
"Slayer, it defeats the purpose of putting me in chains if you are just going to give me the key."
"I don't think you need chains."
Spike sighed, "Just take the bloody key with you."
"Oh, fine. Do you need anything else?"
"No, I'm good."
Buffy walked up the stairs to the kitchen slowly. She didn't want to leave him down there, all by himself. But all attempts to get him to come upstairs failed. When she reached the kitchen, she was assaulted by the smells of baking cookies and a fresh pine tree.
The girls, six potential slayers and Dawn, were giggling and acting like teenagers who didn't have a care in the world. They were acting like it was a normal Christmas amidst the rubble and the threats, while a soulled vampire healed from a brutal beating, just a few feet away.
Buffy was still sore herself from the fights with Torak-han. Even with slayer healing, it was still taking time for the bruises to fade, the muscles to mend, and even a few bones to knit back together. She believed that only Spike and herself really understood what they were up against. Maybe Willow.
"Hey Buff, how's Spike?" Xander asked as he hung the Christmas lights up in the living room.
"He's better. How many lights are you putting up?"
Xander shrugged, "They girls bought like 10 strands."
Buffy sighed, and wondered if the girls understood if they spent all the money on holiday decorations, there wouldn't be anything left for food. "Thanks for doing this."
"I don't mind. It's nice to be doing something other than cleaning up after the evil trying to destroy us all."
"Where's Giles?"
"He took Anya to the supermarket. They're buying Christmas dinner. And blood for Spike."
"I'm going to patrol," Buffy informed him. "I should be back in an hour."
"Are you sure?" Xander asked, obviously worried. "Maybe you shouldn't go by yourself."
Buffy shrugged, "I'll be fine. It's just a quick sweep. I'll be back before you even know I'm gone."
////////////
Spike heard Buffy announce that she was going on patrol, and then the door bang shut behind her. He winced at the sound. He hated that he was useless to her. He couldn't help her. He was a threat to her, and everybody in this house. What good was he if he couldn't help her?
He knew he should be asleep. He would heal faster if he wasn't awake, using up his energy. The first week after Buffy found him, he slept for a week straight, waking only long enough to eat. Only within the last few days did he have enough strength to sit up and talk to Buffy. Yesterday, with Buffy's help, he went upstairs and realized that he was much, much more comfortable in the basement, by himself.
But if he was strong enough to actually help Buffy, he'd be with her right now. He'd put up with the staring and the million questions if it meant that he wasn't worthless.or something that needed to die. He closed his eyes, desperate to sleep. But he couldn't. The pain wasn't as bad, but even with Buffy's nursing skills, it wasn't gone.
He shifted, and the bed linen rubbed against his bruised and raw skin. He looked over and noticed that she did, in fact, leave the key to the chains. He rolled his eyes. Stupid bint. It briefly occurred to him that if he waited a few hours, he could run out and meet the sun and end it all. It wasn't just the physical pain, though at times that was still intense, but the mental and emotional torment was almost impossible to deal with. He had blood on his hands, and if he allowed himself to dwell on it long enough, tears would try to escape from his swollen eyes.
He was in a bad shape, and the more he thought about it, the worse it got. He didn't tell Buffy, she thought he was fine. Or rather, that he was getting better. She thought it was progress that he hadn't begged her, taunted her, or threatened her into staking him in the past week. All it really meant was that he was thinking of different options.
Spike stared at the wall, weary to his bones, but still unable to sleep. Upstairs he could hear them bang around the kitchen, and Giles and Anya returned, bearing food and drink. He wondered who was going to cook the food. It didn't matter. No batter who cooked it and how bad it tasted, they'd still eat it happily, celebrating the holiday while they still could.
Spike strained his ears, waiting for Buffy's return. He wouldn't be able to sleep until she returned, and he knew she was safe for another night, at least. Of course, when she returned, she would come down stairs and fuss over him. She would worry about him. He was one more thing that kept her from sleeping, that added lines to her face. One more thing to make her drawn and worn. One more thing to protect. One more worthless thing that can cause her pain and heartache.
/////////
"Buffy! What happened?" Giles asked when he saw her.
"Apparently there is more than one super-vamp," she said, collapsing on the couch.
"Are you ok?"
"I killed it..this time I knew what to expect, and I was better prepared. Don't worry about me," she insisted.
"Let me help you clean up," Giles offered.
Buffy nodded, "My first-aid kit is in the bathroom."
Giles went up to get it and retuned shortly. "Here, take these too. It'll help." Giles handed her 3 Aleve.
"Thanks," she said, swallowing them dry. She carefully removed her jacket and allowed Giles to clean the blood from her skin and disinfect the various scratches and wounds.
"Do you still have some of that salve you've been using on Spike?" Giles asked.
She nodded, "I'll run downstairs and get it." She knew instinctually that Spike did not want anybody else to see him in his current condition.
She made her way slowly to the basement, shaking off the girls' concerns as she walked through the kitchen. She expected Spike to be asleep, so he almost gave her a heart attack when he asked what happened to her.
"Oh, nothing. I uh.ran into another super vamp. No big deal."
"Yeah," Spike echoed, "no big deal." His guts twisted painfully though, as he remembered that his blood called them up. Watching one after another angrily, hungrily, emerge from that hole, killing machines aimed at his Slayer.
"I'm fine Spike," She assured him. "I'll be fine."
"In spite of me."
Buffy sighed and closed her eyes. "I've got to finish cleaning up, then I'll be down with some blood, ok?"
"Sure."
Buffy wasn't typically in tune with everybody else's emotions, but she could always read Spike like a book. Not that it was difficult. You didn't exactly have to be Percepto-Girl to know how Spike was feeling at any given time. But she knew that the spirit that had got him through the torture was waning now. She could sense that he was giving up, and she didn't know what to do about it.
"You know what would be a smashing good idea?" Molly asked enthusiastically as Giles finished taking care of Buffy.
"What?"
"If Spike came up here when we turned on the lights!"
"I don't think Spike would enjoy that," Buffy admitted.
"He'll only need to come up for a few minutes," another girl pointed out. Honestly, Buffy couldn't remember her name.
"Why do you want him to come up?" Buffy asked. They usually didn't express any interest in him.
"Well, we're all a family now, aren't we?"
Buffy smiled. "If he's awake, I'll ask him."
Molly beamed, "Great! Come on, we're decorating the tree now."
"I think I'll just watch."
Buffy tried to be part of the festivities, even getting off the couch to help with the tree. But she just didn't feel the spirit. It was hard to celebrate when she knew Spike was downstairs, in the dark, suffering, beating himself up for something out of his control.
She was surrounded by people, yet she felt completely alone. "Hey," Willow said, sitting beside her, "What are you doing, all mopey?"
"Moping." Buffy smiled at her friend, "I'm just worried about Spike. He's not very good right now."
"I thought you said that he was healing?" Willow asked.
"He is, physically. By next week he should be almost good as new. But he's not just battered on the outside. He blames himself for all of this," Buffy said, waving her hand, indicating the nearly wrecked house, and everybody's various injuries.
Willow frowned, "But it's not his fault at all."
"He thinks it is though. And I don't know how to tell him otherwise. I think he thinks we all blame him too. That's why he won't leave the basement."
"Maybe what Molly suggested will do him some good, then." Willow paused, "Buffy, can we talk privately?"
"Sure Will, we can go upstairs."
Willow shut the bedroom door behind her and looked at Buffy thoughtfully. "Buffy, why are you so worried about Spike?"
"Because we need his help." It was her stock answer, and she was sticking to it.
"Buffy, I know we've kinda grown apart this last year, but you don't have to lie to me."
Buffy frowned. "I have feelings for him," she offered lamely. That was her second favorite answer. They usually left her alone after she said that.
"What kind of feelings," Willow pushed.
Buffy thought of the vampire, the man, sitting in her basement, suffering quietly because he didn't want to impose on her anymore. When she told him she believed in him, she wasn't lying. She could finally see him for who he really was, and she was kicking herself for not seeing it sooner. He was brave, smart, honest..he loved her. Could she go as far as actually saying she loved him?
Oh god, could she love him? No, of course not. She just needed him for.everything. And she could count on him for...anything. And did trust him. If she didn't he wouldn't be alive, would he?
Willow waited patiently for Buffy to work it out, and honestly wasn't very surprised when she heard the answer. "Loving feelings."
"So what are you going to do about it?" Willow asked.
Buffy shook her head. "Well, right now, I'm going to go feed him." Willow knew that the conversation was over for now.
Buffy hurried downstairs, checking in the living room briefly to see that the tree was almost done. "We just need to put the star on," Dawn told her. "We're waiting for you."
"Go down and get Spike," Molly encouraged.
//////// Spike was hungry. His body was craving the blood that would help him get better. It occurred to him that he could call for Buffy, but she probably had better things to do than worry about him. No, he would be fine. He could wait.
"Spike?"
"I'm here."
"Will you come upstairs?"
"Why?"
Buffy stepped forward, "They're going to turn on all the lights, and they want everybody to be there."
"So?"
"So that includes you."
"No, it doesn't."
"Spike, we need you to be part of the team. We can't win this without you."
Spike started laughing, but it almost sounded like he was crying. "Right, because I'm so helpful, as long nobody sings. Is that why you rescued me?"
"What?"
"Did you just come for me because you need the added muscle? Because if that was the case, you should have just let the First finish me off."
"No! Don't say that. Please, Spike, they're waiting on us. I'll help you up the stairs."
Spike didn't feel like arguing with her anymore. If it made her happy for him to go upstairs and look at the Christmas lights, than that is what he would do.
With her help, he hobbled upstairs and into the living room. They thoughtfully left a place for him on the couch, and Buffy settled down next to him. He smiled slightly when he saw how excited the Niblet was. This was probably the best time she's had in a long time. And it'll probably be the last time she has a happy day. Did she know how bad things were going to get? She must. His Bit wasn't a stupid girl. Sometimes too smart for her own good.
"We ready?" Xander asked.
"Ready!" Dawn confirmed, and Xander plugged in the extension cord, ready to light up the entire room with red, green, blue, pink, purple, and white lights. The flash of light was much too bright to be the Christmas lights, and Buffy froze, certain that something horrible was about to happen. Spike shielded his eyes, surprised by the blinding, pure light. Everybody was confused, shocked into silence.
Joyce emerged from the light, glowing. Dawn gasped and stepped back. "Is it the First?" Dawn asked, nearly frozen with terror.
Joyce smiled, "No."
Buffy shook her head, "You can't be real."
Joyce looked at her, "You keep saying that Buffy. I am real, and I'm here to help." She turned her attention to Spike. "Hello, Spike. You look terrible."
Spike didn't respond. He wasn't going to talk to glowing, dead people anymore. If he had learned anything these past months, it was that glowing, dead people never had anything good to say.
"Spike, I know what you're thinking. I'm not here to hurt you. In fact," she paused and took another step towards him, "I'm going to help you."
"How?"
She gently placed her hand on his chest, and Spike felt a bolt of energy shoot through him. It wasn't painful at all. In fact, it felt very pleasant. He sighed and felt his tense muscles relax as he surrendered to the sensation. It felt like sunlight washing over him. He felt warm, comforted, loved. For a brief moment, he felt at peace. Then Joyce removed her hand. "You're healed," she informed him. "And the First won't be able to touch you."
"Mommy?" Buffy said, her voice soft and weak.
"Oh, baby, I love you so much. I'll help you whenever I can." She touched Buffy, and the same golden light flowed through Buffy, and Spike could see her bruises and cuts disappear. "I'm always watching you."
Then she was gone, and the light was dimmed. They all looked at Buffy, silent for several minutes. "How do you feel?" Spike finally asked.
"I feel strong."
He nodded, "Me too."
"Loved. I feel like we can do anything."
"Yeah," he agreed softly. The near constant pain that had been his companion in one form or another since he gained his soul was gone. "She took it all away."
"What?" Giles asked.
"The pain," Buffy answered. "She took all the pain."
Spike smiled for the first time in what seemed like forever. He felt like laughing. He felt like fighting. Energy was bringing him to life, and he almost felt like his heart was beating.
"I can do it," Buffy said softly. Then louder, "I can do it." Her whole face lit up with a smile, and her eyes were sparkling. Spike had never seen her so beautiful.
"What can you do?" Dawn asked.
"I can love."
"Uh, guys," Willow said, "I hate to interrupt, but look."
For the first time, Spike and Buffy noticed the difference in the house. It was back together, like it has never been destroyed. There were presents under the tree, and Anya informed them there was a full dinner laid out on the table in the dining room. "It must be a gift from the Powers that Be," Giles said. "I guess they're helping us."
"Spike?" Buffy said, ignoring everybody else in the room. Her heart felt like it was bursting. She had never had so much love and power in her body, and she didn't know how she could handle it all. "I love you."
Spike blinked, "What?"
She laughed, "I love you. I had to tell you, I can't keep it to myself."
"Are you sure?"
She nodded. "We'll talk more later." In the meantime, they had a holiday to celebrate. The house rang with laughter and jokes, fully lit with what seemed like thousands of lights. Cars slowed down as they passed, amazed at the sheer joy and love that was radiating from the house.
They had a world to fight for the next day, but that night, they were going to celebrate miracles, love, and hope.