Goku gets a Swirly!
By Orchideater
Rated PG for childish prank played upon an unsuspecting innocent.
As usual, I don't own DBZ; all characters property of Akira Toriyama and his business buddies.
Finished 3/21/04
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Mermaids sang amid a glittering sea and gulls soared, as the bright midday sun shone down upon the very isolated, very pink two-bedroom known as Kame House. The mild, clear day was perfect for a short holiday from training, and Master Roshi had generously given his three students a break so they could enjoy the fantastic weather.
Roshi had left that morning with Launch and Bulma to go to the mainland for food and supplies, and since Turtle was out visiting relatives in the depths of the ocean, the Kame pupils were left to their own devices for the afternoon. In his old age, Roshi forgot what mischief young boys could cause when left unattended and bored. Sure enough, having tired of games and bad television, Krillan and Yamcha were indeed bored and scheming for a way to add some excitement to the lazy summer's day.
The object of their plotting currently sat at the kitchen table, munching blissfully from a plate piled high with onigiri rice balls. After four months on his own after Baba's otherworld game, Goku had decided to visit the Kame island and train with the others for a short while before setting out again. He had plenty of delicious food, his training was progressing well, he was in a safe and comfortable place surrounded by loved ones– how could life get any better?
Unfortunately, his tranquil meal was about to be interrupted by the two conspiring figures that lurked just outside the doorway. They gave each other a nod, flashing devious grins.
"Hey, Goku, buddy!" Yamcha began, speaking much louder than necessary. "Boy, those rice balls sure do look good!"
"Hey guys! Yeah, they're great, Launch made them for me. You want one?" Goku held out an offering of rice ball to Yamcha, a broad smile spread across his adorable face.
"Oh, not right now kiddo, but thanks!" Yamcha and Krillan moved to sit on either side of Goku, and Yamcha slung an arm around his shoulders. "Y'know, Goku, Krillan and I were just discussing what a great little kid you are."
"Wow, you mean it?"
"Sure, you're an amazing guy. You impress us all." Yamcha ruffled his hair affectionately and Goku beamed up at him. "In fact," Yamcha continued, "Krillan and I actually think of you as, well, kind of like our little brother."
"Oh! Is that good? I don't have any brothers or sisters."
"Of course it's good! Brothers do things for brothers all the time. We love you, short stuff, and we know you're going to grow up to be somebody special. But," he trailed off, "we were also just discussing how you've missed out on a lot of the things other young boys experience."
"Really?"
"Yes, we really think so. You lived with no one but your grandpa for your first six years, then the next six years you were all by yourself with only a bunch of forest animals for company, and then you joined up with Bulma and Roshi and us and all your time has been spent training and adventuring. Krillan and I feel that you've missed out on some of the hallmarks of boyhood by not spending time with a lot of other boys your age."
"Yeah, that's right," Krillan chimed in. "You've been missing out on some of the essentials. You could sort of call them minor rites of passage, or initiations, that regular kids go through when they interact with other boys."
Goku was stunned. "Gee, I had no idea– I don't want to miss out on anything important!"
"I'm glad you said that Goku," Yamcha said with the air of a self-righteous professor, though his expression was crafty, "because today Krillan and I would like to put you through– I-I mean help you experience one of the special rituals of boys everywhere. We don't want you to be the only boy who hasn't had one, you'd feel left out!"
"No, I don't want to be left out!"
"That's right. We care about you kiddo, so Krillan and I are going to give you a hand. Besides, this particular activity helps one learn humility, and with you becoming such a great fighter so fast, you're at risk for developing an oversized ego. You don't want to become some arrogant guy with a big head, do you?"
"No, no, I would never do that!"
"That's good to hear. But it's still a good idea to have this boyhood initiation under your belt, for insurance. Now!" He clapped his hands together. "What we're going to show you is called 'a swirly.'"
"A swirly? What's that?" Goku envisioned some sort of twirling dance.
"Hold on, we'll show you in just a minute. It's a surprise! Now, a swirly is one of the basics, a classic. I bet just about every boy has had one given to him by his friends."
"Have you had one, Yamcha?"
"Oh, sure, I had my share when I was a kid, before I moved out to that desert."
Krillan leaned back in his chair, looking quite pompous. "Yeah, me too, the other monks at Orin Temple gave me swirlies all the time."
"But I thought you didn't like the Orin Temple monks–"
"As I was saying," Yamcha cut in forcefully, "swirlies are an essential part of growing up, and it's past time you had one. You want us to show you one right now?"
"Yeah, okay!"
Yamcha scooted his chair back noisily and he and Krillan jumped to their feet, giving the impression that they had someplace great and exciting to get to fast.
Goku hopped eagerly out of his seat and his two friends led him out of the kitchen, with Krillan in the lead and Yamcha close behind Goku, hands on his shoulders. Goku marched along cheerily– if he still had his tail, it would have been wagging.
"Yamcha, is a swirly fun?" he asked, face aglow, as they filed down the hallway. Yamcha felt just the tiniest bit guilty looking into that angelic, trusting face and huge sparkling eyes.
"Well, let's just say it's an experience like no other," he replied, winking.
They ushered him into the small bathroom and stopped before the toilet. Both older boys took up positions on either side of Goku and fixed their subject with sinister looks of triumph.
"Now remember, we're doing this for your own good, Goku. You're a special, super-talented kid, and you need to understand what regular kids go through growing up."
Goku finally began to feel nervous and suspicious of their sudden change in demeanor, but it was too late.
"Here we gooo!!!" In the blink of an eye, Yamcha grabbed Goku by the ankles, up-ended him, and held him suspended over the mouth of the toilet.
"We offer this sacrifice to the porcelain god!"
"Hey, wait, wait! I changed my–"
And down plunged his head into the bowl. Krillan manned the flush handle, giving it a violent pump that released the pouring water and the set the vortex into action.
"Swirly! Swirly! Wooo!" they hooted, while Goku sputtered and flailed his arms. The water cyclone pulled at his forehead and sucked his long spikes of hair halfway down the pipes.
One more flush, for good measure! Krillan thought.
"Toilet water, what a pain,
There goes Goku, down the drain!
SWIRRRLY!" they sang.
At that Yamcha dropped Goku and both troublemakers bolted out the door as though death itself was on their heels (which soon wouldn't be too far from the truth), exiting as gracefully as a herd of elephants.
"Bllaghh! Pthht!" Goku popped his head out of the bowl, spattering the entire bathroom with water. His hair now sported a fascinating cone shape.
"Raargh!! I'll get you guys! I'm gonna get you back, I will! You– you– you stinkers!" Goku charged outside like a miniature devil dog, fists in the air, following the wild laughter. Yamcha and Krillan were already several hundred yards out in the ocean, swimming as fast as possible.
"We had to do it Goku!"
"You don't have to thank us, buddy, but you're welcome!"
"Just be glad we didn't do it after Master Roshi'd been in there for an hour!"
They both dove out of sight then to lay low until Roshi and the girls returned, leaving the saiyan tyke stomping angrily on the shore. However, after eating the rest of the onigiri and enjoying an hour and a half of pleasant peace and silence, Goku, being such a good-natured kid, couldn't hold onto his anger. Even so, he never forgot the "lesson" they'd taught him that day...
The End!
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For any guy readers out there (or I guess possibly some girls, too), sorry if this story brought back any bad memories of bullies giving you swirlies. Yamcha and Krillan weren't trying to be malicious, they were just being silly and joking around with Goku. Don't worry, Goku will have his revenge in the sequel! ;)