A/N: Companion piece to my other story A Deep, Bone-Chilling Ache. Dean's POV in those last few seconds (and beyond) of "Dark Side of the Moon".
Ness
A Deep, Despairing Lament
By: Vanessa Sgroi
I heard the hollow thump of the amulet hitting the bottom of the trash can. And I heard Sam's gasp afterward. But I didn't let either sound stop me. I couldn't. Because if I faltered now, stopped now, I wouldn't start again. Trudging toward the Impala gave me a purpose for this split second and the next and the next. Beyond that, there was nothing. I know now that each moment of Sam's Heaven was my own personal Hell. He didn't need me, hadn't needed me since, I dunno, about the age of 12. I've been fooling myself for years. To be happy, I needed my family. For Sam to be happy, he needed everyone BUT his family, especially me.
Maybe that second image of Mom in Heaven was right after all. I'm a burden— fundamentally flawed—and have been since the day I was born. My jaw's clenched so tightly that my teeth are aching, but I keep it that way. Because if I don't, I might end up screaming.
I guess I believed in God more than I had thought. And He'd basically just told me to go stuff it in no uncertain terms. Should've seen that one coming. I heard Sam's words a few minutes ago, and maybe on some level wanted to believe them. But they sounded funny to me, each syllable coated in slick desperation. Each a poisoned barb.
Ironically, Famine hadn't been right all those weeks ago. I hadn't been dead inside. Not then.
But I am now.
Fin