WarMinds
Chapter 0: Prologue
he who no longer fears falling

tw: drug abuse, suicidal thoughts, death, mental illness, smut; hayner/roxas in this chapter only.

When we grieve, we are desperate for epiphanies. I had just found out that, on the edge of a mountain, that no such thing exists, and the mountain could only echo your loneliness. Standing on the edge I wondered, could I float? No, I couldn't. That was impossible, but then I thought back to the all the impossibilities I had seen over the course of this past week: A man literally blinded by darkness, a girl who could erase memories, and even the Devil himself.

Again, I wondered, could I float? No, I had to remember one thing: I was too weighed down by all the pain, anxiety, and grief. Gods, when had I become such a sad thing? Like a strike of lightening, an image of my mom's corpse came and went in my head.

I leaned over and felt the weight tipping my shoes forward, felt my body become like lead and for that second there was the rush right before you fall. You know the feeling? I remembered talking to Sora about it on that night in the hotel…when I had woken up from the hypnic jerk that lurched you away from the beginning stages of sleep.

This wasn't a dream though. This was the edge. I blinked, swallowed thickly and looked around at the cascading mountains that reached out for eternities that I could never touch, could never cross in this lifetime or the next. Mountains that spanned infinities and I was here on the edge, imagining the ease, the difficulty, the inevitability of falling. I closed my eyes, listened as the wind cut past my ears, and imagined there would be someone there to catch me if I fell. But, it was just like that girl had said back at the oasis.

'Sometimes the person you fall for isn't always there to catch you.'

I opened my eyes and squinted against the setting sun that lit everything in oranges and pinks and reds. I thought of blood and red hair and the feeling of almost dying a few days ago. In those moments with the devil, my heart hadn't rattled, my mind hadn't fussed for once. I had felt a calm. I hadn't thought of coffins or those who slept inside them. I had never felt that kind of peace before, well, except for those moments I laid beside Sora and talked hours into the night, staring at motel ceilings or stars.

But people were so much more of a gamble than the calm peace that came from death.

I looked back down, over the edge. There wouldn't be anyone there to catch me. I'd fall in a mess of tangled, broken limbs against the hills and curves of the mountains. But then again, I thought as I tightened my grip on the steel railing, wasn't that the entire point? To fall without being caught?

"Going to jump?"

I flinched, knowing who it was without having to turn around. My heart fell. I had never heard Sora sound so completely broken before. He had started to sound like me, I thought as I looked behind me. Sora had his hand out towards me, as if he could stop me from doing something stupid from where he was standing. Judging by the look on his face, he didn't trust me not to do something stupid.

"What if I was…?" I turned around to face him. I faked a smile but he didn't mirror it back. It hurt not to be at the other end of his smile for once. Instead I was on the other end of a distrusting, horrified expression in his face, in his eyes. In this light, his eyes glowed like the water from a lit pool. An almost impossible shade of blue. Like they weren't real. I swallowed, my eyes widening.

"You were the one at the—"

"So, this is the World That Never Was, huh?" He said, referencing the mountains behind us, promptly cutting me off.

I swallowed. His eyes seemed normal again. Maybe I was just imagining things. Or the light from the sun…all of a sudden an intense itch came over the side of my face. When I pulled my hand away I saw the blood that had caked underneath my nails turn back from black to fresh, bright red. I suddenly felt sick, and when I looked back at Sora I saw him like I had that night, watching me, while I was too drunk, too high to have recognized him until now. How strange…

"It's something, right?" He continued, and I noticed he was slowly inching forwards.

"I could be a part of it forever," I said without thinking. If I fell, who would even know, besides Sora? My body could be a part of the mountains for the eternity that they would survive.

His brows drew forward.

I didn't turn my back on him but clutched the rail behind me, my heart pounding.

"You don't know how hard this whole trip has been. I'm scared of what I'll find at Destiny Islands." Sora gave me a strange look, one that I couldn't quite place. "And them my mom—" My voice broke and I turned around, back to face the mountains. I could be a part of them. A boy that never was. One less confused, messy kid in the world.

I looked over the rail and laughed bitterly. This rail wasn't even really a rail. It was so short. All I had to do was step on the first bar like this, then the second, then lean forward. There it was: that feeling again. Of falling. I barely even heard Sora calling my name as the wind whistled in my ear. I stared down, down, down—

"Roxas! Get down, please?" A pause, then softly, "You're Mom wouldn't want this…"

I blinked back into reality. I hadn't even noticed I'd climbed the rail and only my knees hit the top bar. This was it. But my mom crossed my mind. Then me. A coffin. The sleeping boy at the tower. Sora's eyes. Lying and talking beside him about the secrets that lay in the chasm of my heart. Everything I'd experienced these past couple of days rushed through my mind like a movie reel. "My mom…" I repeated, glancing back over my shoulder at Sora…his eyes… "Have you ever thought about just falling?" I asked. "I have."

He closed his eyes and looked down. I felt myself breathe again and looked back to the edge. How easy it would have been to just fall…

"So your last night, huh? I can't believe you're actually doing it."

"Yeah we're all so proud of you for deciding to go to rehab."

"Hey, next round of beers is on me!"

Pence got up to buy the round of drinks and I turned in my barstool to face Hayner and Olette. They were staring at me expectantly, as if I had some sort of speech to give or something.

"Yeah…I can't say I'm not nervous," I admitted. I was going to rehab after all. The beautiful Islands treatment center in Destiny Islands. The place that was advertised on the television as being some luxury spa. Bullshit. I know in between the "mud baths" and "deep tissue massages" I was going to be on the floor shaking from withdrawal and anxiety.

"Why don't we go with you? We can drop you off there, take the car back. Get to experience the Seven Wonders with you." Olette perked up, but company was the last thing I wanted. The Seven Wonders, all located in different cities along the way to getting to Destiny Islands, was something I wanted to experience on my own. I figured I'd make a road trip out of it, cross a few things off my bucket list before I became an inpatient.

Besides, I knew Olette only volunteered them to go because they were worried about me. They didn't think I could handle this kind of journey all on my own. And you know what? They were probably right. But I wasn't going to tell them that.

I rolled my eyes. "Come on Olette. What's the big deal? I can handle it on my own." I took another drink of my beer. I felt a head change, and beer was nice and everything, but I was more anxious for the baggie of pills nestled in my pocket. Those were for later. Drinking wasn't my vice, which I guess is why Olette and the guys took me to a bar for my last night with them. But they didn't know I had brought pills with me. Those were what really got me into trouble. They were what I was going to rehab for.

"You think you're going to be okay on your own? A paranoid freak like you?" Hayner tapped my shoulder with his knuckles.

"Of course I'm imaging all the worst case scenarios. Getting lost, getting robbed, ODing in one of those shitty motel bathrooms."

"Roxas!" Olette covered her face with her hands and shook her head.

"But listen, hold on, that stuff scares the shit out of me. So why am I going again?" I asked with a laugh. Beside me, Hayner laughed and Pence walked back, handing us all our beers. Of course, he'd gotten me a beer with the least percent alcohol you could get. What a pal. He knew I hated the taste.

"So there was this guy at the bar right now—" Pence said as he sat down. I zoned out a bit, looking around the bar that was strangely crowded for a Wednesday night. The four of us were all regulars here, but I didn't recognize many of the faces in the bar.

Two guys caught my attention over by the pool table. One of them had this bright red hair sticking up in all sorts of ways. How long had that taken him to do? Beside him there was a guy with dyed black hair, spiky, but not as intricate as the redheads. I kept scanning. I saw a girl sitting alone at a table, nothing really noticeable about her except that she was sketching in a notepad.

I was about to turn back to the conversation until a strange movement caught my eye. A fast, blurring movement of someone walking through the crowd. In comparison to their pace, it looked like the people around him had slowed down. I don't know if it was the lighting in the bar but this person, a guy, had the most luminescent, glowing eyes I had ever seen…right above a strange smile. Pointed at me, watching me, passing through the crowd that I caught glimpses of behind and between stranger's shoulders. He disappeared behind a crowd of people and when I searched for him I couldn't find him. He was gone.

"You okay?" Hayner asked as he poked me in the shoulder.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I said. "What were we talking about?"

"Well I was wondering," Olette began. "What's your parents think about you leaving?"

"What do you think?" I asked with a roll of my eyes. I really didn't want to be talking about my parents, especially not my mom. "Mom's threatening me with her same old bullshit, and my dad could care less. He's too involved in her issues." I sounded way more vicious than I really needed to. "I'm going to the bathroom." I said, desperate for a distraction. I pushed my way through the crowds, my eyes unconsciously searching for the person I'd seen earlier.

Damn, why was it so packed here tonight?

I bumped into someone and mumbled an apology. When I glanced up at him I saw just the faint glimpse of a cloth wrapped around their eyes. Strange, but I continued pushing my way past the people coming back from the bar. I pushed into the bathroom, heart racing, and hurried into an open stall. The baggies in my pocket felt like lead. I took them out, hands shaking with anticipation, and popped the colorful pills into my mouth before walking to the sink to get a handful of water.

The benefit of the pills was that they kicked in at breakneck speed. It was maybe five minutes before the guys walking in and out of the bathroom began to blur and that rush overcame me that was so familiar and good it felt like nostalgia. First it was a rush of calm that ran over me, stilling my rapid fire heart like a licking wild fire. Relaxed but not tired, not heavy or foggy-brained. My mind raced in the best way possible. My heart didn't.

I closed my eyes and listened to the sounds of my own breathing and the stillness that had fallen over the restroom as I realized I was the only one in here. I opened my eyes and stared at myself in the dirty bathroom mirror. The lights around me began to flicker. Usually that'd have sent my heart into a frenzy, but I was calm and rational. The bar was pretty old. All I did was grip the sink, stare at myself, and think about my mom and my friends and the fact that here I was doing drugs, high again, when tomorrow was the day I headed off to rehab.

My stomach turned. I was worthless, wasn't I?

The lights flickered again until finally they turned off. By this time I was starting to get a bit nervous. It seemed there was an uncomfortable stillness around me. I looked over at the door. I didn't even hear the music outside anymore. At this point I was ready to leave. I gave myself one last look in the mirror and noticed two red lights behind me, taller than me, like eyes.

The lights came back on and behind me was a tall figure, shadowed completely in a cloak of flickering shadow and flame with red eyes, a pig snout. Behind it, two long leathery wings. Smiling…teeth like fangs. I began to scream when the lights flickered in and out again like a blink and when the light came on again the creature was gone. I whipped around, heart pounding, knees buckling as I fell back against the sink. My body thrummed like there was a violent stick beating against the entire drum of my body.

I had to get out of here.

I ran, pushed open the door with a ferocity and the mass of moving people began to come back into focus. Someone grabbed my arm and I moved to hit them, flashes of shadow monsters in my head, until I noticed it was only Hayner.

"Whoa," he said, moving out of the way of my hand. "There you are." Terrified, I looked up. His voice seemed strange, lower maybe. "Dude, your pupils. You on something, aren't you?" Damn, he sounded disappointed.

My cheeks flamed. "Just three." I usually took a lot more.

"We're ready to leave."

"That's fine." He began to lead me through the crowd back to Olette and Pence. "Go home with me?" I asked. He nodded.

We waited at the bar for Olette and Pence to pay their tabs and I looked around the bar. It had become way more crowded since I went to the bathroom. How long had I been gone for? And I felt an intense energy come over me because everyone was just…watching me. Dancing, talking, watching. At least that's how it felt. But I'd look away because I couldn't stand the feeling of being watched, and would look back again curiously, and no one would be paying me any attention anymore. My hands grew clammy as they reached around to hold on to Hayner's hand. I didn't notice the way he was looking at me, I was too busy staring at the crowd.

I narrowed in on two guys kissing. I felt a flush and even if I wanted to look away I couldn't. There was something about it that kept me focused. Until I felt Hayne whisper into my ear that sent a cold chill down my spine and he tugged on my hand. They were ready to go. I followed behind but looked over my shoulder to see the guys one more time, but they were gone.

Bitter. I felt it like a bad taste in my mouth. The fact of the matter was that I could sneak Hayner into my house, but I didn't even have to. No one would care in my house. Not my parents because one parent was working and the other was inebriated.

The first thing I saw when I walked into my house was my mom passed out on the floor. My heart tightened as if two hands rung it out. I'd seen my mom like this, plenty of times, but even that wasn't enough to make me completely numb to it. I was the opposite of numb. I had feeling. It was hatred injected directly into my vein.

My mom was an addict, just like me. We even used together, often. Except she did the bigger, meaner stuff than I did. And she'd been an addict way longer than I had been.

"She okay?" Hayner's voice trembled.

"I see her like this all the time. She's just high and passed out, that's it." I said it as if I didn't care, but that didn't stop me from walking over, kneeling beside her, and checking. Her chest was moving up and down, steadily. I grimaced when I smelled something sour. Probably vomit.

I almost felt like crying. I grabbed Hayner and dragged him by the arm into my room, shutting the door with a force that I hadn't meant to.

"Roxas." Hayner knew my family life. He knew about the drugs that'd taken hold of us as if we were already corpses for the taking. "You should go take care of your mom."

"No! I'm sick of taking care of her. She's not going to be my problem after tonight anyway." My hands clenched into fists. I wanted to break something. Tomorrow was the start of my journey. I wanted to get better. I wanted recovery. I wanted to be better than her. I looked up at Hayner, at his concerned face, and I softened. "I just want to forget." I closed the distance and kissed him, shivering, feeling a heat envelop me like the peak of a good high.

Hayner probably wasn't sure what to do because he hesitated but I kissed him harder, ran my hand up his bare chest. He didn't hesitate anymore.

I was back against the bed, eyes closed, weird shapes pulsed in front of the black screen of my eyelids. I tried to focus on that, on him, besides the thought of my mom out there. She wasn't smiling, or alert, or conscious, or all the things I wished to see from her.

I gasped softly when Hayner bit my neck. Every place he kissed felt like the cherry of a cigarette hot against my skin, but it was good, a feeling I didn't want to flinch away from. His fingers were soft, like smoke ghosting against my cheek.

Everything felt better because of the drugs. Usually Hayner's mouth didn't leave me trembling like it was now, but maybe that was just the anger buried deep under my skin. I swear I heard my mom choke out in the living room, but I tried to ignore it. Hayner breathed against my ear and I shivered. This would be the last time I saw him, my friends, and my parents for months.

Wouldn't it just be easier to stay here?

"This is the last time, right?"

He pulled away, looked at me with his brows drawn together. I didn't really know what he meant, and I watched him fumble with his wristband.

"Spit it out," I said with a small laugh. "What do you mean?"

"This is the last time you use, right?" He asked with a frown. By this time, I heard the sound of my mom coughing—more like hacking—outside and my heart fell. Things were so much easier when she was asleep. Then I wouldn't have to deal with her, at least. I turned back to Hayner though.

"I'm going off to rehab tomorrow…of course this is the last time." I didn't tell him how I had already made a call to Seifer to pick up my last stash of drugs to take with me on the trip. I planned to take them up until the day before I arrived at Destiny Islands.

"…I hope so…go take care of your mom…" he said as he looked back over at the door when I heard her choking again.

"I just wish it could be the last time for her…" I said as I touched Hayner's cheek then stood up. Before I reached the door I stopped, my feet heavy, a question on the tip of my tongue. "Hey, Hayner…"

He looked at me. "Do you think my mom will still love me if I come back sober?"

His eyes widened. I could tell he didn't have a clue of what to say. He began fidgeting again with his wrist band and I frowned, looked away. I already knew the answer.

"She won't." I said, almost too quiet for him to hear and headed out down the long hallway, listened as my mom coughed, awake. I saw her, trying to stand up but having a hard time, eyes barely open, falling over like she was drunk. But she didn't drink. Just used.

"Mom…" I said as I put my arm around her to steady. As soon as she saw me her eyes opened and she smiled.

"Roxas…" she said and a sour smell fell over my nose. I turned away. It was better that I did anyway. Looking at her made me want to break down and stay to make sure she didn't kill herself. But I guess my dad could do that. "Uh…what time is it?"

I walked her to her room and set her down, brought her water. The whole time my heart hammered with anger. She lay in the most uncomfortable looking positive. Her neck twisted because she was barely conscious enough to keep it up. I wasn't worried because she had knocked out like this a million times before.

"Who will take care of me…when you leave?" She asked as I was starting to walk out of the door. "Stay, Roxas, please?"

I felt sick to my stomach, my eyes burned, and as I walked out of there I knew without a doubt that tomorrow was the beginning of what had to be my sobriety. It had to be, or I would end up a time bomb just like her.

Authors's Note: I might be as shocked as you are to announce a new multi-chaptered SoRoku story! Okay guys, hear me out. This is not going to be like If Only Tonight. It's a lot different and I hope that's okay. It will be sad, just like If Only Tonight, so sorry? Also, this story is extremely personal to me in many ways so I'm a bit nervous writing it. I'd label it magic realism or urban fantasy so just remember that. Also, my mom passed away earlier this year and I thought I wouldn't be able to complete this but I'm hoping writing this will be cathartic for me. Anyways, enjoy and leave me any feedback if you'd like. Love you guys!