The Power of the Farce
She looks old and tired- more so than usual. Luke Skywalker walked into his sister's living room and studied her for a second time. Leia did look as though she could use some rest. Leia paused, rubbed her temples, and looked up at her brother. "Glad you could come on such short notice. Something very dangerous has come up."
"Like the Yuuzhan Vong aren't dangerous?"
"I mean, personally. To you. Or more specificially, Mara."
Luke shot up straight. Any attack on his wife he took personally. "What is it? Or who?" Leia responded by handing over a file that seemed almost empty. "I was hoping you could tell me. This came over here today. It's threadbare, but the message is clear." Inside, a sheet of paper was tucked inside, along with a picture of a teenaged girl and a scrawled note. It read, "Comin' for you, Jade!!!!!" and seemed to be written in haste. The girl in the picture looked uncannily familiar and had a lightsaber strapped to her waist. Luke gulped several times and remembered the girl. Then he shouted. "No...no....it can't be....not her....she's supposed to be gone....not Rianna!!!! No, anything or anyone but Rianna Farlander!!!!!" Trembling, he dropped the folder and ran out. Leia looked out after him. "Force....we're doomed."
"Luke, I am not running away. I never have and I never will."
"Trust me, Mara. If it's Rianna, you'll want to be as far away as possible."
"Who's this Rianna anyway? What's she got against me?"
"It's not against you, it's against me. Or maybe it's you, no one really knows."
Mara Jade-Skywalker stopped packing her husband's suitcase. ("Jedi robes, Jedi robes, Jedi robes, clean underwear, Jedi robes...") "Okay, so it's against one of us. What's her problem? I've never even heard of her." Luke responded by pulling a book out of Thin Air and opening it. It read 'Tatooine High, Class of 2 BBY" on the cover. Pulling open several sheets, he pointed at an entry that was written in purple sparkle pen and framed by a border of alternating daisies and hearts. "Read it," Luke told her.
'Dear Lukie,
It was nice having you in Biology and Speech. You're a great lab partner, and your oral presentations are the best! I heard about how you and Biggs are going to the Academy together and are going to be pilots. All I can say is to stay safe. I'm going to miss you both when you move away, but come and see me sometime, okay? I'll be stuck here on Tatooine, so feel free to drop by. Go Tatooine High Womprats! Luv U always (BFF!!!!),
Rianna F.'
" 'Lukie?' That doesn't sound like a psycho on the warpath," Mara commented. Luke gave her The Look. "That's not the whole story. She was hunted down while on Tatooine by the Empire. She was a Force Adept."
"Isn't everyone these days?"
"They turned her to the Dark Side. She missed Biggs and I terribly, and they used that against her. She never knew that Biggs was killed. From what I could gather, she's been on assignment in another galaxy up until now, and was called back because of the Yuuzhan Vong. I couldn't find out who she takes her orders from. But she's out for you because," a list appeared next to Luke, and he started pointing at each bullet, "1.) You turned from the Empire to the Alliance. 2.) You're my wife. She had a major crush on me when we were in Speech together. We were...Homecoming dates." Mara pulled back from him. "Homecoming dates...you two were serious. Is that why she's after me?"
"Yes. We have to hide you somewhere. I think I know just the place." Luke zipped up his suitcase and put on a very fake looking glasses-nose- mustache disguise and an overcoat. "Let's go."
On the way to the most stupidly obvious place to hide Mara, people began running away when they saw Luke, terrified.
"Great Force save us! It's Groucho Marx!!!"
"It's Carrot Top's sister!"
"A Sith cometh!"
"Tuna salad for lunch! Tuna salad!"
Mara looked around uncomfortably. "What are all these people running from?"
"I think they can't recognize me in my disguise." Then, a little girl came up to Luke and Mara. "Master Skywalker! Can I have your autograph?" Thirty minutes and 300,000 autographs later (there was a field trip. Yes, in a Coruscant alleyway at 10 p.m.) the Skywalkers made it to Leia's apartment. When she answered the door, the former princess looked very tired and disheveled. "Huh? Oh, I don't want any subscriptions."
"No, Leia, we..."
"I'm a devout believer in the Universal Flow of the Force."
"Yes Leia, I know that..."
"We don't bet pots either." From inside, Han called "Who's on the pot? I'm next!"
"Leia, we..."
"I didn't order pizza or Roto-Rooter either." From inside, Han called again "You might need a Roto-Rooter in a few minutes!"
"If you're looking for our kids, they don't live here anymore. Neither does my brother. Good night." Luke stopped the door from closing and removed his hoaky disguise. "Oh, Luke! Why didn't you say it was you?"
Inside, when Mara was comfortable and asleep, Luke explained everything to Leia and Han. He had to pull the yearbook out from Thin Air again to get it across, but they agreed to harbor Mara. When it seemed like everything would work out peachy, the doorbell rang. The three looked at each other. "I'll get it," Han volunteered. Honestly, Han was up for anything these days. It was just so boring supposedly moping over Chewie. In real life, Han got calls from Chewie almost every week, where the Wookiee was comfortably living out his retirement and pension in Maui. So, for the great Han Solo, getting the door wasn't exactly what we'd call a giant stretch of bravery. When the bored and underestimated smuggler finally opened the door, a teenager hopped in. Luke then screamed like a, well, paranoid Jedi master and ignited his lightsaber. The kid also screamed, dropped a box of pizza, and ran away without waiting for pay. Han's face lit up. "Hey, my pizza's here!" Panting and shivering, the paranoid Jedi master sat back down after he deactivated his lightsaber and placed it 10 paces away. "Don't worry Luke," Leia told him, "I'll get you a Valium...or 8. And some decaf."
For all his paranoia, the spectre of Rianna arrived 45 minutes later. Han was snoring off the aftereffects of his pizza, Luke really didn't care what was happening due to the extreme amounts of Valium, and Leia was just hanging around. Mara, as usual, was Somewhere Else. The doorbell rang again. "Hey Han," Luke called dreamily, "your pizza's here."
"Pizza? I like pizza." And then Solo promply collapsed onto the couch again. Leia got the door. A girl who appeared to be teenaged stepped inside. "Hello," she said, "is Luke Skywalker here?"
"Sky Lukewalker's over there," Han pointed out. And he resumed snoring. The girl was obviously on the dark side. She was dressed a lot like Vader, except she could probably blend in anywhere. (Wouldn't that be a neat trick?) She walked over to Luke and pulled her own Tatooine High Class of 2 BBY yearbook out from Thin Air. "I've wanted revenge for a long time, Lukie. And now I shall have it!" As the Valium kinda started to wear off, Luke realised what he was getting into. "Rianna! Uh, huh, huh, hi. Um, what brings you here?" Instead of responding, like most normal people, the Sith teenaged-lookalike chick flipped open her yearbook to the signature page. "You. Read this!"
'Dear Rianna,
Well, it's the end of our senior year. We're all off to bigger and better things. I'll come back and visit sometime. Best of luck,
Luke S. (PS- Tatooine High swimming team and T-16 racing rulz!!!)'
At that moment in time, Mara happened to walk in and Rianna drew her lightsaber. "I told you I'd come for you, you traitor!" Luke, now fully aware of his surroundings, stepped inbetween them. "You have to get through me first!" Rianna shook her head. "This is between me and Jade."
"I'll fight her little grudge, Luke." Rianna narrowed her eyes. "You should have stayed with the Emperor and left Skywalker to me."
"No way! The Emperor was old and ugly!"
"It was your duty to stay with him till the end! I trained under Luke's father! That means he's mine!" Han looked up at the catfight. "How come women don't fight over me?"
"At least I have a trading card!" Mara pulled out her Mara Jade trading card™ and began whipping the air with it. Rianna staggered back and acted as though she had sustained several severe blows. "Oh yeah? My author has experence in Star Wars spoofs!" Mara acted as though she had sustained several blows as well. "And," Rianna continued, "I can summon anything evil from any galaxy at any time!" Mara flew back against the opposite wall. She shook it off and staggered back toward the younger. Both Mara and Rianna lept into the air as the camera did the Matrix-like spin-around thingie and they both missed each other. While Mara was trying to get her foot un-stuck from the wall, Rianna was summoning with all of her power. "I summon the most vile and hidious things from any galaxy to aid me in my endeavor!!!" A giant rumble was heard, and then cases upon cases of Diet Coke landed on Mara until she was buried in them. Just when she was making progress through the diet cola, another rumble was heard. Truckloads of Britney Spears CDs landed on top of the Diet Coke and a sticky, very mad Mara. When Mara finally made it past all the diet soda, a couple of Yuuzhan Vong fell on top of her, to which she started to gag. Then, the Corsair from the Rogue Squadron N64 game (with Wedge included inside) landed on top of the CDs, the Diet Coke, and Mara. Hefting the unconscious former Dark Side Adept into the car, and Wedge out, Rianna programmed it to go into hyperspace to a remote planet called "Earth" in a remote galaxy called the "Milky Way". While the Corsair took off, carrying away Mara Jade-Skywalker, Rianna dusted off her hands. Everyone, except Wedge and Han (who were now playing Battleship), stared at her. "You...got...rid...of...my...wife...I'm...going...to..."
"Sorry, Lukie. I'm on a crusade to rid the universe of all Mary-Sue characters and Mara came up as one of them. She's only a cheap, carbon copy of a Dark-Side-Turned-Good Leia." Rianna pulled a giant file folder out of her Back Pocket. "She was a robot created by the Emperor to mess with our heads and rule the universe. Your father found out. I had to do what your father told me to do. And I'm really not a Sith. I just learned Force Summon. I'm a bounty-hunter. One of the Mary-Sues escaped to another galaxy, so I had to track them for 25 years. I stayed in stasis for most of the time." Rianna shrugged. Everyone was silent for a long moment, then Han cried "Darn you, Wedge! You sunk my battleship!"
It was a few minutes after Mara's departure that the Yuuzhan Vong woke up among the Diet Coke and CDs. Leia gasped, but Rianna quickly interveined. "It's okay, everyone. They're not here as invaders!" Again, everyone gasped. Rianna, using her supreme intellect and knowledge, explained everything. "They are from another universe, yes. But they're only here because there aren't any Quik-E-Marts in their universe. They're here for the grocery shopping. Here, I'll prove they're tame." Rianna then turned to the Yuuzhan Vong and they formed a chorus line, complete with tophats and canes.
"Hello my honey,
Hello my darlin'
Hello my ragtime gal..."
Han joined the chorus line and toured for a while before coming home to Leia and pizza, while Wedge and Rianna went out for Chinese food. Wedge's current wife/girlfriend person left him for a Jawa, so he and Rianna got married. Leia and Luke, exausted by the night's happenings, took 30 Valiums a piece. It's been about two weeks, and they still don't really care what's going on, but they know that the war is over. Rianna came back and said that she and Wedge were going home to Tatooine and that Luke would have to visit her. Luke didn't really get what happened with Mara, but he got over it.
And everyone lived happily ever after, except the Yuuzhan Vong, who still haven't found a Quik-E-Mart.
She looks old and tired- more so than usual. Luke Skywalker walked into his sister's living room and studied her for a second time. Leia did look as though she could use some rest. Leia paused, rubbed her temples, and looked up at her brother. "Glad you could come on such short notice. Something very dangerous has come up."
"Like the Yuuzhan Vong aren't dangerous?"
"I mean, personally. To you. Or more specificially, Mara."
Luke shot up straight. Any attack on his wife he took personally. "What is it? Or who?" Leia responded by handing over a file that seemed almost empty. "I was hoping you could tell me. This came over here today. It's threadbare, but the message is clear." Inside, a sheet of paper was tucked inside, along with a picture of a teenaged girl and a scrawled note. It read, "Comin' for you, Jade!!!!!" and seemed to be written in haste. The girl in the picture looked uncannily familiar and had a lightsaber strapped to her waist. Luke gulped several times and remembered the girl. Then he shouted. "No...no....it can't be....not her....she's supposed to be gone....not Rianna!!!! No, anything or anyone but Rianna Farlander!!!!!" Trembling, he dropped the folder and ran out. Leia looked out after him. "Force....we're doomed."
"Luke, I am not running away. I never have and I never will."
"Trust me, Mara. If it's Rianna, you'll want to be as far away as possible."
"Who's this Rianna anyway? What's she got against me?"
"It's not against you, it's against me. Or maybe it's you, no one really knows."
Mara Jade-Skywalker stopped packing her husband's suitcase. ("Jedi robes, Jedi robes, Jedi robes, clean underwear, Jedi robes...") "Okay, so it's against one of us. What's her problem? I've never even heard of her." Luke responded by pulling a book out of Thin Air and opening it. It read 'Tatooine High, Class of 2 BBY" on the cover. Pulling open several sheets, he pointed at an entry that was written in purple sparkle pen and framed by a border of alternating daisies and hearts. "Read it," Luke told her.
'Dear Lukie,
It was nice having you in Biology and Speech. You're a great lab partner, and your oral presentations are the best! I heard about how you and Biggs are going to the Academy together and are going to be pilots. All I can say is to stay safe. I'm going to miss you both when you move away, but come and see me sometime, okay? I'll be stuck here on Tatooine, so feel free to drop by. Go Tatooine High Womprats! Luv U always (BFF!!!!),
Rianna F.'
" 'Lukie?' That doesn't sound like a psycho on the warpath," Mara commented. Luke gave her The Look. "That's not the whole story. She was hunted down while on Tatooine by the Empire. She was a Force Adept."
"Isn't everyone these days?"
"They turned her to the Dark Side. She missed Biggs and I terribly, and they used that against her. She never knew that Biggs was killed. From what I could gather, she's been on assignment in another galaxy up until now, and was called back because of the Yuuzhan Vong. I couldn't find out who she takes her orders from. But she's out for you because," a list appeared next to Luke, and he started pointing at each bullet, "1.) You turned from the Empire to the Alliance. 2.) You're my wife. She had a major crush on me when we were in Speech together. We were...Homecoming dates." Mara pulled back from him. "Homecoming dates...you two were serious. Is that why she's after me?"
"Yes. We have to hide you somewhere. I think I know just the place." Luke zipped up his suitcase and put on a very fake looking glasses-nose- mustache disguise and an overcoat. "Let's go."
On the way to the most stupidly obvious place to hide Mara, people began running away when they saw Luke, terrified.
"Great Force save us! It's Groucho Marx!!!"
"It's Carrot Top's sister!"
"A Sith cometh!"
"Tuna salad for lunch! Tuna salad!"
Mara looked around uncomfortably. "What are all these people running from?"
"I think they can't recognize me in my disguise." Then, a little girl came up to Luke and Mara. "Master Skywalker! Can I have your autograph?" Thirty minutes and 300,000 autographs later (there was a field trip. Yes, in a Coruscant alleyway at 10 p.m.) the Skywalkers made it to Leia's apartment. When she answered the door, the former princess looked very tired and disheveled. "Huh? Oh, I don't want any subscriptions."
"No, Leia, we..."
"I'm a devout believer in the Universal Flow of the Force."
"Yes Leia, I know that..."
"We don't bet pots either." From inside, Han called "Who's on the pot? I'm next!"
"Leia, we..."
"I didn't order pizza or Roto-Rooter either." From inside, Han called again "You might need a Roto-Rooter in a few minutes!"
"If you're looking for our kids, they don't live here anymore. Neither does my brother. Good night." Luke stopped the door from closing and removed his hoaky disguise. "Oh, Luke! Why didn't you say it was you?"
Inside, when Mara was comfortable and asleep, Luke explained everything to Leia and Han. He had to pull the yearbook out from Thin Air again to get it across, but they agreed to harbor Mara. When it seemed like everything would work out peachy, the doorbell rang. The three looked at each other. "I'll get it," Han volunteered. Honestly, Han was up for anything these days. It was just so boring supposedly moping over Chewie. In real life, Han got calls from Chewie almost every week, where the Wookiee was comfortably living out his retirement and pension in Maui. So, for the great Han Solo, getting the door wasn't exactly what we'd call a giant stretch of bravery. When the bored and underestimated smuggler finally opened the door, a teenager hopped in. Luke then screamed like a, well, paranoid Jedi master and ignited his lightsaber. The kid also screamed, dropped a box of pizza, and ran away without waiting for pay. Han's face lit up. "Hey, my pizza's here!" Panting and shivering, the paranoid Jedi master sat back down after he deactivated his lightsaber and placed it 10 paces away. "Don't worry Luke," Leia told him, "I'll get you a Valium...or 8. And some decaf."
For all his paranoia, the spectre of Rianna arrived 45 minutes later. Han was snoring off the aftereffects of his pizza, Luke really didn't care what was happening due to the extreme amounts of Valium, and Leia was just hanging around. Mara, as usual, was Somewhere Else. The doorbell rang again. "Hey Han," Luke called dreamily, "your pizza's here."
"Pizza? I like pizza." And then Solo promply collapsed onto the couch again. Leia got the door. A girl who appeared to be teenaged stepped inside. "Hello," she said, "is Luke Skywalker here?"
"Sky Lukewalker's over there," Han pointed out. And he resumed snoring. The girl was obviously on the dark side. She was dressed a lot like Vader, except she could probably blend in anywhere. (Wouldn't that be a neat trick?) She walked over to Luke and pulled her own Tatooine High Class of 2 BBY yearbook out from Thin Air. "I've wanted revenge for a long time, Lukie. And now I shall have it!" As the Valium kinda started to wear off, Luke realised what he was getting into. "Rianna! Uh, huh, huh, hi. Um, what brings you here?" Instead of responding, like most normal people, the Sith teenaged-lookalike chick flipped open her yearbook to the signature page. "You. Read this!"
'Dear Rianna,
Well, it's the end of our senior year. We're all off to bigger and better things. I'll come back and visit sometime. Best of luck,
Luke S. (PS- Tatooine High swimming team and T-16 racing rulz!!!)'
At that moment in time, Mara happened to walk in and Rianna drew her lightsaber. "I told you I'd come for you, you traitor!" Luke, now fully aware of his surroundings, stepped inbetween them. "You have to get through me first!" Rianna shook her head. "This is between me and Jade."
"I'll fight her little grudge, Luke." Rianna narrowed her eyes. "You should have stayed with the Emperor and left Skywalker to me."
"No way! The Emperor was old and ugly!"
"It was your duty to stay with him till the end! I trained under Luke's father! That means he's mine!" Han looked up at the catfight. "How come women don't fight over me?"
"At least I have a trading card!" Mara pulled out her Mara Jade trading card™ and began whipping the air with it. Rianna staggered back and acted as though she had sustained several severe blows. "Oh yeah? My author has experence in Star Wars spoofs!" Mara acted as though she had sustained several blows as well. "And," Rianna continued, "I can summon anything evil from any galaxy at any time!" Mara flew back against the opposite wall. She shook it off and staggered back toward the younger. Both Mara and Rianna lept into the air as the camera did the Matrix-like spin-around thingie and they both missed each other. While Mara was trying to get her foot un-stuck from the wall, Rianna was summoning with all of her power. "I summon the most vile and hidious things from any galaxy to aid me in my endeavor!!!" A giant rumble was heard, and then cases upon cases of Diet Coke landed on Mara until she was buried in them. Just when she was making progress through the diet cola, another rumble was heard. Truckloads of Britney Spears CDs landed on top of the Diet Coke and a sticky, very mad Mara. When Mara finally made it past all the diet soda, a couple of Yuuzhan Vong fell on top of her, to which she started to gag. Then, the Corsair from the Rogue Squadron N64 game (with Wedge included inside) landed on top of the CDs, the Diet Coke, and Mara. Hefting the unconscious former Dark Side Adept into the car, and Wedge out, Rianna programmed it to go into hyperspace to a remote planet called "Earth" in a remote galaxy called the "Milky Way". While the Corsair took off, carrying away Mara Jade-Skywalker, Rianna dusted off her hands. Everyone, except Wedge and Han (who were now playing Battleship), stared at her. "You...got...rid...of...my...wife...I'm...going...to..."
"Sorry, Lukie. I'm on a crusade to rid the universe of all Mary-Sue characters and Mara came up as one of them. She's only a cheap, carbon copy of a Dark-Side-Turned-Good Leia." Rianna pulled a giant file folder out of her Back Pocket. "She was a robot created by the Emperor to mess with our heads and rule the universe. Your father found out. I had to do what your father told me to do. And I'm really not a Sith. I just learned Force Summon. I'm a bounty-hunter. One of the Mary-Sues escaped to another galaxy, so I had to track them for 25 years. I stayed in stasis for most of the time." Rianna shrugged. Everyone was silent for a long moment, then Han cried "Darn you, Wedge! You sunk my battleship!"
It was a few minutes after Mara's departure that the Yuuzhan Vong woke up among the Diet Coke and CDs. Leia gasped, but Rianna quickly interveined. "It's okay, everyone. They're not here as invaders!" Again, everyone gasped. Rianna, using her supreme intellect and knowledge, explained everything. "They are from another universe, yes. But they're only here because there aren't any Quik-E-Marts in their universe. They're here for the grocery shopping. Here, I'll prove they're tame." Rianna then turned to the Yuuzhan Vong and they formed a chorus line, complete with tophats and canes.
"Hello my honey,
Hello my darlin'
Hello my ragtime gal..."
Han joined the chorus line and toured for a while before coming home to Leia and pizza, while Wedge and Rianna went out for Chinese food. Wedge's current wife/girlfriend person left him for a Jawa, so he and Rianna got married. Leia and Luke, exausted by the night's happenings, took 30 Valiums a piece. It's been about two weeks, and they still don't really care what's going on, but they know that the war is over. Rianna came back and said that she and Wedge were going home to Tatooine and that Luke would have to visit her. Luke didn't really get what happened with Mara, but he got over it.
And everyone lived happily ever after, except the Yuuzhan Vong, who still haven't found a Quik-E-Mart.