You call me Mr. Jack-of-all-trades. Again and again and I can't hear this anymore. It may sound like a compliment, but it's not. Because it means, that you are master of none. And I get really sad when I think about the fact that I'm not good at anything, that I'm just like… okay.
I've been always okay and nothing better. But why do people see me this way? I try, I even try really hard. If you want to be at least okay in everything you do, you already need lots of energy. Sometimes I wish to have a talent, too. Something special. I thought that I was super in drawing until I realized that there's lot of people who are a lot better than me. There gonna be always people who look down on me, so why even try? Sometimes it felt just okay to be who I was.
But sometimes I even can't stand it. To hear stuff like "Oh well, it's Konoha, he can't do better" makes me angry and I want to prove that their wrong. The people always underestimate me all the time. So I'm trying harder and harder to get rid of that bad reputation. I'm trying as hard as anyone else but I don't know where I finally should put my focus on to become a better person.
I sometimes just want that people remember my name. That I could do something important and truly special. That they finally stop saying 'Look Mr. Jack-of-all-trades' and start saying 'Oh, there's Konoha, he's so awesome because of… ' … yeah. Of what? I'm still just decent. It's not only concerning volleyball, it rules all my life. School, friends, family…
I started to play volleyball to do something special but guess what? My friends got better than me. I think I'm also just a regular player, because Bokuto is my class mate and likes me. I guess it's okay like it is, but I always wanted to try something different. It's like I'm searching for something, but there's nothing that suits me. Like you were in a clothing shop and could wear anything, but nothing looks like totally made for you. I'm looking for something, somebody where I would spend all my energy and motivation. Even if I give something, it's maybe never my all, even if I think it has to be enough.
I find hobbies, I try others. I don't quit volleyball, because Bokuto and Akaashi would probably murder me but they also realized that I stopped getting better. I find friends, I lose them. I don't know why others still hang around with me after all that time. I find cute people, but then I or they lose their interest somehow. I don't get it how Bokuto and Akaashi found each other. I like them as a couple but I'm fucking jealous. They have their own little world, why do they even need me…
If I'm not special at anything, I want to be at least special for somebody. If only one person would see me as something special and the best... But if I'm just okay and such boring, how could I be special to this one person? It fails, all the time… and I have no motivation anymore to be honest. But I still want… You see, it's a merry-go-round that never stops.
What will I do in future? I'm fucking scared even to think about it. Am I the one without any goals in life? I have some goals, but am I good enough to reach them once? And even if I reach them… do I want to stay there and improve or do I just change or lose motivation as always and search for something new?
Many days I just want to go back to Kindergarten, seriously. Broken knees were easier to heal than broken hearts, a broken image or a broken future. It could be worse, yes, but it could be better. Still… I – TRY – SO –HARD! Why does nobody notice?
Every day I put a different mask on. I have so many facets, because I tried so many things to be somehow special. But it's more a curse than a blessing. Because I sometimes don't know who I am anymore. How could anybody know me then? I'm lost. Please…somebody find and rescue me… and tell me, that I am special person. That would be my one and only wish.