AN: This is in some AU world post season 6 in which Dan is not GG and he never published the sad expose stories. It's set before the Derena wedding flashforward, which never happens. Also, this is long and it meanders and I've no idea if I love it or hate it, but here it is. Let me know whatcha think.
the road less whatever-you-call-it
"Sometimes she did not know what she feared, what she desired: whether she feared or desired what had been or what would be, and precisely what she desired, she did not know."
―Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina
Try as she might, Serena just isn't Blair.
Dan thinks he might be over Blair when Serena brushes her lips against his, brings over a bottle of wine and offers to stay in and watch old movies she doesn't understand with him. He's well aware that this lifestyle might very well bore her to death because Serena is like the ocean that way—when trapped, it just longs to be free.
Serena thinks she might have finally gotten it right when Dan places a hand on the small of her back, agrees to escort her to another upscale party or charity gala. She ignores the way Dan glances around every room with a sad, vacant stare; tries not to notice the pointed way in which he avoids asking about Blair.
In the end it's all moot, though.
Because Dan just isn't Nate.
It's why neither of them is really surprised when it just...ends.
It happens like this:
Blair learns to settle.
She wants to be happy—she has always wanted to be happy—and this time around she is determined to be happy. No matter what.
Sure, once upon a time happiness had meant Yale and fairytales and living happily ever after with Prince Charming (Nate).
Now life is being a wife and working for her mother and living ever after with the Dark Knight (Chuck).
(She tries to forget that brief moment when happiness wasn't an empty goal but rather an achieved actual state of contentment; that moment when there was a guy who loved her unconditionally, treated her right and just wanted to be with her everyday.)
So Blair learns to settle.
Learns to ignore Chuck's late hours at the office and the way he's never really all there.
Learns to shrug it off when Chuck can't even bring himself to pretend give a shit about any of her interests.
Learns that to keep moving forward she needs to put on a mask, an unfaltering smile, to make everything look picture perfect.
Blair learns to adapt her definition of happiness.
Turns out fairytales end when they do for a reason.
So it goes.
It's their most amicable break-up to date.
(And definitely their last one, too.)
Which is why it's easy for them to fall into a comfortable friendship.
It's completely platonic.
And it's also good for them—Serena excels at being an entertaining friend and Dan needs to smile more; Dan is reliable and Serena is once again aimless in her life so a little stability can only do her good.
The blonde whirls into his apartment like a hurricane and declares that the moping period is over. She brings bagels from Zabar's in the morning and a bottle of tequila in the afternoon and she whips his ass at quarters at night. Next day she'll bring take-out from Gray's Papaya and an armful of movies.
Not Rosemary's Baby or Nights of Cabiria or Nanette. Certainly nothing with Audrey Hepburn.
Serena is a classic rom-com girl.
"I know you and Blair were these, like, big, intellectual snobs about...well, everything, really—books, music, movies." The blonde declares with a cheerful smile, "But today is the dawn of a new era. I am introducing you to a whole new world!"
Dan raises a mocking eyebrow, "Like Aladdin?"
"Nice Disney reference, film buff," Serena shoots back with an equal tone.
Dan rolls his eyes, "I have a little sister." he says matter-of-factly, "I...know stuff."
"And now you'll learn some more!"
Serena makes him watch Love Actually and He's Just Not That Into You and Pitch Perfect.
Dan sighs from his spot on the couch, "Well," he starts, only mildly sarcastic, "That wasn't as painful as I thought it was going to be." He concludes after the marathon.
"Great!" Serena claps like an excited three-year-old and flashes him a dazzling smile, "Tomorrow we start in on the 80's—John Hughes' and Cameron Crowe's greatest hits."
They spend the rest of the night drinking cheap wine and practicing the cup-song from Pitch Perfect until they can do it blindfolded.
"Do you think it's weird," Dan asks out the blue one day sometime after their third bottle has been emptied, "That we make each other happier as friends than we ever did when we were together?"
Serena sighs, grips the neck of the bottle a little tighter, "I think...that it's just nice to have someone who can still make you laugh." She says decisively before taking one final swig to empty the bottle. "'Cause it's better to laugh than it is to cry."
Dan nods appreciatively.
Thinks that maybe Serena's on to something there.
So Dan starts writing again.
This time about anything but the Upper East Side. As much as he's enjoyed being the ultimate insider, he's ready for a change of pace.
He needs to be something more because he's sure as hell never going to be one of them. But most importantly, he doesn't want to try to be one of them anymore.
He just wants to be Dan now, whoever that may be.
Nate invites Dan to a guy's night.
Now that Chuck is a married man, Nate has taken over the Empire penthouse for himself.
After a few Macallan neats, Nate pops a surprise announcement of his own: he is giving up the Spectator.
Dan has to laugh at that, "Wow. So, what are you going to do now?" he asks.
"I don't know." Nate shrugs, "I think I'm gonna go back to Columbia next term. Maybe see if I actually graduate this time around."
Dan congratulates him and finishes his drink in silence. Then he says, "Can I ask...why?"
"Why give it all up?" Nate swishes what's left of the scotch in the glass, "You know, it was forever ago, Chuck and I were just walking around and I remember asking him if he felt that our lives were all planned out for us, that we were just gonna end up like our parents. Back then that was the scariest thing in the world for me. I just wanted to be happy. And then I looked around my office, which was handed down to me by Grandfather, and I kept going over how I was tossed in jail for fraud just a couple of months ago—that's when it dawned on me: we are our parents now. I'm trying to fit myself into this Vanderbilt cookie mold, Serena is a socialite in training, Chuck is heading Bass Industries, and Blair...she's just, like, a shadow of her former self or something."
Dan furrows his brow, "That's harsh."
"But it's true." Nate continues undeterred, "I felt suffocated, like I couldn't breathe. So I just quit. I took off my tie and walked out. Been breathing fine ever since. Better than ever, man." he sighs, "Columbia is the one thing I ever achieved on my own. I figure I can go back, get my degree. Make sure next time I get a business I haven't earned, at least I'll be ready to run it."
The sincerity and maturity of the declaration surprises Dan. He reaches for the nearly-empty bottle and refills both their glasses, "Here's to the future, then," he toasts, "May you continue to defy and surpass all expectations."
Nate chuckles, "Always the writer, huh, man," he clinks his glass to Dan's, "Cheers!"
Dan sighs. It's ironic, really, that Nate Archibald might be the only one who actually ends up with a college degree.
So it goes.
Nate joins in on Dan and Serena's movie nights while they're still in the middle of 80's appreciation.
It's the start of their very own threesome friendship.
They watch Fast Times At Ridgemont High. Nate and Serena team up and concoct a plan to get Dan high.
Nate buys a dime-bag from the pizza dude on Lex.
(Just like he used to back in high school.)
First it's with pot brownies and then a couple of doobies.
Serena teaches the boys how to make a bong out of a lamp.
New World Order.
Blair and Chuck and Serena and Nate are still the Non-judging Breakfast Club.
But now Nate, Serena and Dan are the Three Musketeers, and that has it's own little magic as well.
It's pretty predictable the way their relationship evolves:
They spend most of their time crashing at Dan's new loft.
Nate naturally gravitates towards Serena.
Serena dances on tables and giggles and occasionally leaves Nate breathless after a few kisses.
Dan writes. A lot.
He finishes up a book of short stories that his new editor just loves and arranges to publish.
Dan had figured that once Nate and Serena finally got their shit together, they'd all go their separate ways: Nate and Serena back to the Upper East Side, and Dan back to his Lonely Boy existence.
But it never happens.
Sure, Nate and Serena fall into each other like it was always meant to be, but they never abandon Dan.
In fact, by the time the new book comes out, Nate and Serena have taken over the guest bedroom (and most of the loft, really).
Dan's moleskines are scattered along the dinner table along with empty coffee cups.
Nate's little handmade sailboat models take over the living room and his soccer balls are always rolling around the floor.
Serena's movie collection takes over the shelves and her half-empty bottles of nail polish litter along the floor of the entire loft, hiding under the bookshelves and behind the couch.
It feels like home.
To all three of them, it feels like home.
Dan only hears about Blair from passing comments.
She's heading a new charity committee.
She planned a fabulous gala last week to raise funding for something that's going extinct.
She always stands like the perfect wallflower next to Chuck Bass at every public outing.
"I just think he's still in love with her." Nate notes, pulling Serena onto his lap.
Serena wraps her arms around his neck, "After all this time?" she asks, "Really?"
Nate flashes her his best GoldenBoy grin, "I've never stopped loving you," he says matter-of-factly, "Once you find your soulmate, I think you're kind of in love with them forever, y'know?"
Serena smiles one of those ethereal smiles that light up the room, "I'm your soulmate?" she asks, little-girl curiosity in her tone.
"Well, yeah," Nate replies, "D'you think I'm yours?"
Serena tilts her head, pecks his lips lovingly, "Yes!" she exclaims, "After all, you are the only boy who's ever let me paint his toenails with my favorite Urban Decay pink nail-polish."
Nate throws his head back, laughing like a little kid, "We were six!"
"And you'd let me do it all over again if I asked you to." Serena declares, running her fingers through his soft hair, "I love you, Natie."
Nate kisses the nape of her neck, "Love you, too, S."
Dan walks in then, a to-go box with Rufus' special waffles in his hands. "Morning, guys," he greets casually, digs in on his breakfast.
"Hey, I want waffles, too!" Serena declares from Nate's lap.
Nate spins around on the kitchen bar-stool, tickling the blonde's sides to elicit her giggles, "What the lady wants the lady gets," he cuts his eyes to Dan, "C'mon, dude, hook us up!" he says as he tries to steal Dan's plate.
"Leggo my Eggo, bitch," Dan says seriously, and all three of them burst out laughing out loud.
Definitely better to laugh than it is to cry.
Blair shows up at the door of Dan's place unannounced with a bottle of Barolo and a smile.
Dan doesn't even ask how she got the address, he merely steps aside to let her in and gets a couple of glasses.
"Serena told me you'd moved." Blair comments after a they sit down, pours wine into the cheap glasses Dan had set out, "It certainly is an improvement from Brooklyn, but that's not saying much."
Dan chuckles at that, "Why are you here, Blair?" he sips the wine, infinitely more expensive than the screw-top stuff he drinks with Nate and Serena, "It's been more than a year since we last spoke."
"I'm..." Blair's voice trails off and she looks away, "lonely. I find myself in need of a friend, and all I can think of is that I had a best friend who understood me and cared for me, and I just let that fall apart. I've missed you." It's as much of an apology as she's ever going to give for everything that happened during their short time as a couple, and how she'd left things between them.
Dan swallows another gulp, thinks that it's finally his time to say 'I told you so.' He could say that he always knew she'd end up feeling like this. He could say that he always knew marrying Chuck Bass would be committing yourself to a sentence of a lonely life. He could say she'd had her chance with him and she threw it all away for a self-centered, conceited Bass-hole. In fact, he'd already said something akin to that once before.
But Dan has never been that guy with Blair, and he doesn't want to be. So instead he says, "I've missed you, too." he sighs, "But I really don't know what you want from me right now."
"What happened to your movie collection?" Blair questions, her fingers gracing the movie boxes while reading the titles: Pitch Perfect, How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, Dawson's Creek The Complete Series, One Day. Finally, she pulls out a movie, eyes the box carefully, "These are Serena's." she concludes.
Dan smiles, "What gave it away?" he jokes, "Um, she and Nate are more or less living here. You could say she kind of controls movie night now. That's one of her favorites, actually."
"I'm well aware." Blair says, places the copy of The Princess Bride back on the shelf, "I was the one who bought it for her when we were all six."
Dan crinkles his nose, "Really?"
"Yes." Blair replies, "When Serena got sick and had to stay in bed all day, we'd watch it together, and then we'd all play it out for her. I was Buttercup and Nate was my Westley and...Chuck was always Prince Humperdinck. We were so young back then." she clears her throat, "What else has she got you watching now?"
Dan says, "Mostly rom-com and chick-flicks." He licks his lips, "She got me into Cameron Crowe again. I've always loved Almost Famous."
"Of course you do!" Blair scoffs, "Aspiring writer boy gets to rescue a hot blonde mess all the while getting a backstage pass into the life of the rich and famous. That's bound to be where your attraction for Serena came from."
Dan raises an eyebrow, "Thanks for the psychoanalysis, Freud," he shoots back, "Shall I answer where your attraction for Chuck came from as well?"
"Ooh, no, thank you," Blair grimaces, and then they burst out laughing.
It's the first time they're able to laugh about it, about Blair and Chuck.
So they pop in a cheesy movie and settle down on the couch. It's amazing how easily they fall back into their old rhythm.
"Maybe you should do something for yourself," Dan offers, "I mean, Chuck's off to Sydney, right? So you should do something you want. You're Blair Waldorf, you can do anything."
Blair smiles, "Do you really believe that?"
"I most certainly do." Dan smiles back at her. "Dream big, Blair. You deserve to live an amazing life."
A small studio calls Dan down to L.A. to write a screenplay for Inside. The movie is finally getting made.
He buys his one-way ticket to L.A. and gets ready to leave New York City. He could use the break.
Nate and Serena do his au revoir party: they binge on booze and candy and chinese take-out and pizza under a goodbye banner Serena made with finger-paint and argue over what to watch on their last movie night.
"No chick-flicks!" Nate insists, "I brought over Fight Club and Die Hard."
Serena sticks her tongue out at him, "Well, I've got Pretty Woman and When Harry Met Sally!" she counters.
"It's Dan's last night here." Nate says, "He should pick. Just remember, though—bros over hoes, dude."
Dan appreciates their continued attempts to rope him into movie nights and the way they pretend to understand the subtext of his stories and how they try to google his literary references in an attempt to keep up with him.
Truthfully, these past few months would've been incredibly lonely without the golden-haired duo. But it's not the same.
Nonetheless, he's beyond grateful for their company and their valiant efforts.
So Dan laughs. "Well, normally I'd be inclined to agree with the hot blonde," he says, "But I'll be gentlemanly and side with Serena instead. Sorry, Nate."
It's somewhere in the middle of the movie (Nate's already asleep, his head resting on Serena's lap), when Harry and Sally are starting to like/love each other that Serena stares at Dan as if she's had a big epiphany.
"What?" Dan asks.
Serena blinks, "It's you and Blair."
"What?" Dan repeats the question more pointedly this time.
"The movie." Serena clarifies, "Harry and Sally. Hate to love, love to lust...soulmates. I'd never thought about it before, but...they remind me of you and Blair. Intellectual snobs."
Dan fixes his eyes on the screen, doesn't even blink. He thought he was over Blair. He had to be. She was married, and she didn't love him.
But, as it turns out, you can't really kill a feeling.
Dan's only been back for a month when Blair shows up at the loft in the middle of the night.
She's so upset that she's shaking, and refuses to settle even when Dan brings her tea.
"What happened?" Dan asks, his voice soothing as usual.
It's not the first time he's done this. In fact, it's pretty par for the course. Blair bottles everything inside until the pressure blows up and she crashes.
It turns out that being Mrs. Bass takes a big emotional toll.
And Dan Humphrey once again becomes her escape.
Blair cracks, "I don't know how long I can keep doing this," she admits, "I thought, if we both achieved what we wanted, then maybe our life could start. I thought we could start being happy. But there's always something new, something more. And it's never enough. It's never going to be enough. I just don't think I can keep on pretending."
Dan sighs knowingly, "And what does Chuck need now?"
"He wants us to move to Shanghai for an entire year. Some new business deal." Blair replies after a beat, "And I can't go with him. I'm still running point on things here. I can't leave my company in the lurch to travel off after yet another one of Chuck and Jack's whims. But I don't want to send him there for so long alone. Do you know how easy it is to find prostitutes in Shanghai? Especially when you're Chuck Bass!" She pauses to catch her breath, "Everything keeps changing and I just need it to stop, just for a second, just so I can catch up."
"Blair," Dan grabs her chin between his thumb and forefinger, lifts it gently to lock eyes with her, "Sometimes things can change and not be awful."
Blair sniffles, crawls into Dan's lap and holds onto him like he's her life-raft in the middle of a thunderstorm, "I just want to stop being unhappy."
Dan lets out a wry chuckle, runs his fingers through her hair, "I love you, Blair." He says sadly, matter-of-factly. "But I can't go all my life waiting to catch you between husbands."
Dan had waited patiently while Blair tried to fall in love with Louis, and Dan's waiting while she loves Chuck, but now Dan is just wondering when will he stop waiting and start living.
Blair looks up at him with her teary eyes, and Dan tucks a loose strand of hair behind her ear.
These are the moments that truly scare him because he thinks he just might wait for her forever if she asks him to, if she needs him to.
Blair lets out another sniffle as she nods, "I know. It's not fair to you. You're a better friend than I deserve." And it's only under duress that she'd willingly admit all this, "But maybe you can stick it out a little longer?" she asks hopefully, "Just until I'm a little bit stronger..."
"Hey." Dan locks eyes with her, pulls her into a hug, "Always." he whispers into her dark locks, breathes in the scent of her overpriced L'Occitane shampoo and smiles. "I'm here always." he repeats.
Blair sniffles, "I never thought I'd say this, Humphrey, but I actually think you're too good to me."
Dan laughs at that, "Hey, remember what I told you," he says, "You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger. If Chuck leaves, seize the opportunity to do something amazing for yourself."
"Maybe I will," Blair caresses his cheek and presses a kiss to it, "Thank you, Dan. For everything." She pulls him into another hug.
Yeah, Dan thinks to himself, maybe I can wait forever.
It's four years later, and life has taken some turns:
Serena is now a full-blown movie star residing in an L.A. beach house with Nate.
Nate is a proud UCLA graduate with a business degree who now works as a lifeguard at the beach—he always did love the ocean.
(Though really it's those days when Nate sets sail with Serena aboard the Charlotte that they both live for.)
Dan is a now a New York Times best-selling author and an up-and-coming screenwriter.
The Inside movie had been an instant cult-hit, and his next three books sold out to rave reviews.
All three of them sit together and only half-listen to the dull speeches while openly mocking the people around them.
Because Blair had finally made it to Yale, and today she graduates with honors.
"Whoo! Go, Blair!" They cheer and whoop inappropriately loudly for her, garnering themselves mean looks.
Nate smirks, "We're never going to learn how to properly behave in public, are we?"
"Never!" Serena declares, wraps her arms around his neck and kisses the side of his head playfully, "And you don't really want to. We'd be boring!"
Blair goes over to them after the ceremony is over, receives hugs all around, and Dan takes the moment to hold her just a little bit longer. "Congratulations, Blair," he says with a smile, "Uh, I got you these." He hands her a simple yet tasteful bouquet of white and pink and yellow flowers, "I know peonies are your favorite, but I thought lilies would be nice for the occasion."
"No, it's fine," Blair says, smells the flowers, "Lilies are perfect. Thank you, Dan."
"And I brought the bubbly!" exclaims Serena, waving a bottle of champagne. "Hey, where's Chuck?"
Blair clears her throat, "Um, he texted me. His flight got delayed. He's still in Morocco."
An uncomfortable silence settles over them for a few seconds. Then Nate licks his lips, "No matter," he decides, "We'll just have to party without him!" He shakes the bottle, popping off the cork, and sprays the golden liquid all over them. They all laugh, shake off the bubbles.
"All right, a toast," announces Serena, taking the bottle and raising in the air, "To my sister and my best friend. We are all so incredibly proud of you. You've earned this. I love you, B." she winks, takes a swig before passing the bottle around.
Dan grins, "To Blair, the most wondrous woman I've ever known," he says, "Nobody deserves this moment more than you. Cheers!"
Then Dan presses a kiss to her forehead, and they all pose for pictures with the cheap disposable camera Serena bought at a nearby CVS.
Blair smiles and poses for every snapshot, and it's the first time she realizes that she doesn't really miss Chuck anymore.
Dan drops down onto one of the few empty chairs and checks his watch. He hates airports. His phone rings with the opening strains of Moon River, and he knows who it is without looking.
"Blair," Dan answers, a trace of a smile across his lips, "Hey—"
"—where are you?" Blair asks, something akin to desperation in her voice.
Dan furrows his brow, "I'm at the airport," he says, "Waiting on my second plane. My book tour ended today, remember?" And it's a completely rhetorical question, "What's up? Are you okay?"
"I...I need you." Blair's voice nearly cracks.
Dan swallows the lump in his throat, "Go to the loft," he says firmly, "I'll be there in under two hours." he promises, "Just go to the loft. Wait for me."
"Yeah. Okay."
Blair paces across the familiar living room, her fingertips gracing objects at random: the coffee table, a vase, a picture frame. "So many memories..." she mutters.
Then she decides to grab a book to pass the time. She sits indian style in front of the living room's bookcase.
(She knows Dan stashes copies of his books in the bottom shelf—ordered chronologically, of course.)
Then something catches her eye.
It's an old manuscript, the pages already slightly yellowed by time. The front page reads Outside by Daniel Humphrey.
The dedication reads:
For B.
May you finally see yourself as I do.
—D.
"Blair," Dan calls out when he walks into the loft, "Are you awake?" he asks more rhetorically than anything. He finds her still sitting on the floor next to the bookcase, the manuscript open on her lap.
"You...weren't supposed to read that." Dan says, "No one was supposed to read that."
He'd written that during his summer in Rome with Georgina. It was revealing and petty and vindictive, which is why he never actually published it.
Blair blinks, "Dan, this is..." her voice trails off, "You disparage and incinerate everyone. Nate, Serena, Jenny, Chuck. Not even Rufus and Lily managed to escape unscathed. But you...you don't do it to me. Not like the others, at least."
"I was angry," Dan shrugs, tucks his hands into his jeans' pockets. "But I still loved you. And I couldn't bring myself to see you as just a 95-pound, doe-eyed, bon mot tossing, label-whoring package of girly evil again. You were still everything to me. You kind of still are. Which is why I never could eviscerate you, and why I never let anyone read that. A lot has changed. I probably wouldn't have made it through the last couple of years without Serena and Nate there." he rubs his eyes, "I was a judgmental, bitter prick when I wrote that."
Blair opens and closes her mouth a few times, "I left Chuck." she says after a beat, "Divorced twice before thirty isn't exactly where I thought my life was headed—truthfully it's a little too Lily van der Woodsen for my tastes, but I couldn't stay trapped in that marriage any longer. I didn't love him anymore. And who knows if he ever truly loved me."
Dan can't help the smile that tugs at his lips, "So...you're a free woman now? Officially?"
"Well, I served him with papers." Blair replies, "At first I was relieved, then I panicked, which is when I called you, but...now I know I made the right decision."
Dan kinks his eyebrows, "What decision is that?"
"This," Blair steps closer to him, pulls him down into a kiss.
Dan pulls away, sighs, "Ugh, I can't believe I'm doing this," he says, "But I don't want it this way. Not like this. Not because you wanna get over Chuck."
"No, you've got it wrong this time, Humphrey," Blair smiles, wraps her arms around his neck, "I don't want you because I don't have Chuck. This time, I left Chuck because I realized I want you, Dan."
"Okay." Dan presses his lips against hers, enjoying the taste and feel of her again for the first time in years.
Blair rests her forehead against his, "I love you. You know that, right?"
Dan grins like a little kid, cradles her face in his hands, "I do now." He replies before pulling her into another kiss.
the end.
(feel free to review)