Part One

Mal left Inara's room and ran directly into Jayne, who cocked his gun at him.

"Do I have your attention?"

Mal raised empty hands and took a half-step back. "We're kind of going to extremes here, ain't we?"

"There's times I think you don't take me seriously," said Jayne. "And I think that oughta change."

"Do you think it's likely to?" asked Mal, knowing full well he was pushing his luck, but not caring. He'd been forced into surrender a little too much, lately.

"You got something you don't deserve," Jayne continued, ignoring the quip.

Ah, so this is about Saffron. Of course. Mal shook his head. "It's brought me a galaxy a'fun I'm here to tell you."

Again, Jayne carried on with his obviously pre-prepared speech. Mal was actually a little impressed. He'd never known him to be so single-minded before.

"Six men came to kill me one time, and the best of them carried this." He eyed the gun, almost lovingly, before holding it out. "It's a Callahan full-bore auto-lock, customized trigger and double cartridge thorough-gage." There was a pause, then the addition of, "It's my very favorite."

Mal balked. "You offering me a trade?"

"A trade?" Jayne repeated. "Hell, it's theft! This is the best gun made by man, and its got extreme sentimental value! It's miles more worthy'n what you got."

"What I got–" Mal began, before stopping himself. They could spend all day throwing each other's words back at each other, and he already had plans to get drunk and sleep before the remainder of it was out. "She has a name," he chided, changing tack.

"So does this!" Jayne countered, thrusting the gun towards him again, before smiling. "I call it Vera."

"Well, my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle," said Mal. He'd had enough talk of wives to last him a lifetime.

"Dammit, Mal, I'd treat her okay," came the next protest, but the Captain was having none of it.

"She's not to be bought. Nor bartered, nor borrowed, or lent. She's a human woman, doesn't know a damn thing about the world, and needs our protection."

Jayne wasn't giving up either. "I'll protect her!" he insisted.

"Go play with your rainstick," Mal told him before heading downstairs, only for the girl in question to step out of the shadows and block his way.

"Gah! You do sneak about, don't you?!"

Behind him, Jayne looked a mixture of wary and hopeful.

"You're a good man," Saffron said to Mal, ignoring Jayne completely.

"You clearly haven't been talking to anyone else on this boat," Mal told her.

Saffron cast her eyes downward. "You'd make a good husband, I reckon."

"Now hold on–" Mal began. They weren't married, and they weren't gonna be. Just why isn't she getting this?

Ignoring the interruption, Saffron continued, "If I'm not to be yours, I at least deserve a man who wants me, don't I?" Finally, her eyes strayed to Jayne, but only for a moment.

"I'm not sure he qualifies," Mal argued, but his ability to do so had been significantly worn down.

"You spoke to me of choice," said Saffron.

"Well, yeah," Mal admitted, "But you seriously wanna choose him?"

"Hey!" Jayne protested.

Mal found himself raising his hands once more, utterly tired. The whole thing was madness, pure and simple, but… "I aint gonna be the one to stand in the way of true idiocy, but if this goes sour, don't come runnin' to me, either one of you."

Saffron beamed around Mal as he began backing away. This is definitely gonna go sour.

Before he knew what was happening, Jayne surprised him for the second time that day. He approached him and threw his arms around Mal's middle from behind, all the while still balancing Vera.

Mal shrugged him off and told him to keep the gun. "I want no part in this. Anything either of you do ain't down to me."

Jayne didn't seem to be listening. Already, he'd closed the distance between himself and Saffron.

Later, in his quarters, Mal wondered if letting Jayne keep Vera was a good idea after all. Deranged as he obviously was, the man probably shouldn't be in charge of a firearm.

Halfway through second-guessing himself on that count, Mal also wondered what would happen if Saffron and Jayne actually made it work. He hoped things would come to a head quickly, because he sure as hell didn't want any more crew, and personal relationships on board a boat could make things… messy.

Mal sat up in bed, consumed with thoughts of his existing crew. The Sheppard might just gut him if he heard he'd handed his wife off to the most disreputable person on board.

Unable to rest, Mal decided to cut his losses and get up again. There was no way he could sleep until he'd checked on them. Saffron was probably hiding somewhere crying her pretty little eyes out, and he felt responsible, damnit.

Jayne's eyes bugged out at Saffron's seductive approach. Swaying her hips, she closed the small distance between where she had stood, at the door, and the bunk where he sat.

The meek and mild act was shed the same time as her shirt and now, placing herself firmly in Jayne's lap, she leaned forward for a kiss.

Jayne leaned away from her. "Nah, not into that."

She paused. "Excuse me?"

"I said I ain't into that," repeated Jayne.

Saffron blinked. "Into kissin'?" There's no way this is happening to me. Two men in one day able to resist? What are the worlds comin' to?

Frowning, she considered the very real sign, placed right between her thighs, that she was still having somewhat of the desired effect.

"You're into other things though, right?"

"You bet," affirmed Jayne, smiling.

Huh. So it was just kissing he didn't like. Or maybe just kissing on the mouth. Maybe he suspected her plan, or maybe he just had a whole colorful line of past experiences. Either way, the plan would have to change.

"How do you feel about kissin'… elsewhere?" she asked, running her eyes along the length of him, trying to figure out where the best Plan B spot to place the drugged lipstick was – aside from the obvious.

"Well sure," said Jayne. He was still smiling at her and, truth be told, a part of her actually liked him some. He may not be the smartest, but was rugged and clearly dangerous; that counted for something in her book. Plus, the gun he'd offered to trade for her really was a beauty. He must really like her, after all.

"You like it?"

"Huh? Oh." Saffron chided herself. He'd caught her looking at Vera. She wouldn't normally let herself get so distracted but, hey, maybe she could have a little fun with this one.

"It's beautiful," she said – the first honest words from her lips in a long time.

Jayne nodded gleefully. "Best there is. Y'know, I could maybe show you target practice with it sometime, if that's the kinda thing gets you hot?"

"Oddly, it does," admitted Saffron.

She made up her mind right there to just enjoy the night, then get back on the job come morning. Her hands were reaching for Jayne's zipper when Mal came down the ladder into his room.