Dear Solas,

It has been almost five months since you up and vanished from my life. When you tore yourself from the center of my heart, the place we knew you belonged, we did, we both knew, and pulled far, far away, across to a place I can never reach you. That I can never find you.

I feel you never want me to find you.

My dreams, the only chances I have to open myself to the fade and have the tiniest possibility that I might find you are frustrating beyond words. I feel as if I'm drowning in water so dark and so cold it's not even real, like I'm not even really wet, like I could maybe, possibly breathe if I could just take one big breath in-

But then it never happens. I'm still cold, still lost in the dark, still drowning, still reach out endlessly for your hand, always being surprised when I don't find your fingers stretching back to me.

They always used to.

So many tell me to give up, but I feel as though a part of me has been forever broken by your actions. What was it you told me once during a lesson? "Actions always have consequences," I believe it was.

Is that what I have become to you? Just a walking talking consequence, something to put forever behind you, a memory you've become all to eager to forget? It feels as though I meant nothing, never anything.

You whispered promises, broken words of hope maintained, of a bond ever lasting, of a life never to be parted. Two halves of one whole, a rare bright star of understanding and peace. You were my peace. My rock. The light I could count on to never waver, to keep me straight, to guide me home.

How could you just blink away and leave me in a place you know I fear, a place you know devours me whole and breaks apart my mind. You put me back together once, remember? Was it so long ago that you guided me back to feeling normal after the mark first touched me? After my arm become something foreign, a part of me, but not. You helped me focus, helped me center my emotions. You were my rock. You seemed to be proud to be my rock.

I can hear The Iron Bull coming up the stairs. I have to go, we've yet another battle ahead.

I wonder if you know how I close my eyes before I raise my sword now. How I sometimes don't really care if I see it to the other side.

I wonder if you would care if you did.

~Ellana