What to do with a Drunken Phoenix
A/N: This was loosely inspired by ColdFusion180's stories "What do you do with a Drunken Magneto" and "Evils of Alcohol". Kinda thought of how funny it would be if Jean eventually got on the booze. This should hopefully plant a big, fat goofy smile on your face! Enjoy!
"Ugh, that was a long movie! I never thought I'd see that coming!" Scott groaned; stretching out his back as him, Peter, Remy and Kurt limped into the mansion. The four had returned from the movies after seeing "The Great Gatsby"
"Yep, yep yep. Got to admit, that cherre Daisy was pretty hot and dandy though." Remy giggled, having that goofy dream-off look on his face again.
"Yeah, I noticed. You wouldn't stop ranting on and on about her scenes until you finally passed out after drinking all that Mr. Pibb at the theatre!" Kurt replied, lounging on the sofa, clipping his toenails
"Now wait. Was that before or after Remy walked into the ladies' room?" Peter sheepishly asked as Scott tried to keep a straight face after hearing that
"Uh, I'm not sure. I think it was because he followed some chick he was mistaking for Rogue, I guess." Scott recalled, still remembering the painful slap the woman gave Remy when he tried one of his pick-up lines. Remy just cannot keep away from those ladies. Gosh, they just walk over him like he was; like he was… oh I don't know, some guy passing off as a James Dean impersonator!
Scott thought before a loud gasp of shock came from the kitchen
"What is it Kurt? What in… Holy Moly!" Scott gasped, as Kurt warily pointed to the wide-open liquor cabinet. The key was dangling on the sinkhole. A trail of empty and half-cracked Coors and Guinness bottles was left in the patio. And it was a few seconds before a humungous belch rumbled through the mansion
"AAAH! AN EARTHQUAKE!" Remy screamed, climbing onto Peter's shoulders, shivering wildly
"Remy, I-I can't see! Get off me!" Peter grunted, Remy's hand over his mouth, waving his armored arms trying to get Remy off of him
"That's funny; the liquor cabinet wasn't used today. I know only Jean uses the lock for…" Scott stated, putting the facts in place before making a large about face. "Oh shit"
"What? What is it, boss man?" Remy asked excitedly, he, Kurt and Peter huddled over Scott as he slowly put two and two together
"We went to the movies… Jean had the cabinet locked… the keychain was in the dining room. So Jean got the keychain, unlocked the cabinet, and… and…" Scott stammered in horror as Remy, Kurt and Peter eventually realized what was going on, more importantly what was in the cabinet.
"She didn't!" Kurt gasped in shock as Scott stared blankly
"She did, all right. All our private booze, gone down the drain. Pfft." Scott replied flatly, in a rather apathetic tone before Jean herself staggered in
"And speak of the devil here she is! What the Sam Hill do you have to say for yourself, Missy?" Remy hissed as Jean erotically started smelling Remy's coat
"Uggh… I've never tasted leather before. Oh God, I feel so funky, funky." Jean slurred insanely, cackling inhumanely as she did a limbo over the tightrope stand as the guys watched in horror
"Never thought I'd see the day Red would finally snap." Remy moaned, rubbing his sore head
"You and me both, brother. She's now marinated by all this booze and thinks she's on, oh I don't know, the Sunset Strip or something, for Christ's sakes!" Scott ranted, before grabbing a straight jacket and charged toward Jean
"Scott, now, let's not do anything stupid." Remy pleaded, trying to talk some sense into his partner before Scott missed Jean and went straight smack dab into the wall
"Ouch" Scott winced, falling flat on the ground as Remy, Kurt and Peter rushed to him "Scott? Speak to me homme, are you OK?" Remy pleaded, cradling Scott's head
"It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day for a neighbor…" Scott babbled strangely before his eyes rolled back into his head and collapsed on the ground
"Oh dear. Any more bright ideas, Kurt?" Remy groaned, as Peter gently laid a straightjacketed Scott down on the sofa while Kurt paced the carpet floor in intense thought
"Hmmm. Jean seems to be drawn to alcohol, right? If we can somehow bring more out and lure her to the cabinet, we may be able to…" Kurt started before Remy cut him off
"Whoa whoa whoa! Wrong answer! If we do that, Jean will get even more liquored up. Pretty soon, we'll have the whole dang neighborhood, especially the cops banging on our doors! We'll be thrown in the slammer, for sure!" Remy criticized as Kurt realized the bad part of his idea
"Yeah, that won't work. But wait, I have a better one in mind. And I know what to use." Kurt stated, getting a large box of tranquilizer darts
"Let me get this straight: You are stating that we should chase after Ms. Alcohol Mary, drug her, and try to remove all the booze outta the mansion?! That's the most insane idea I've ever heard!" Remy spat in disgust
"Let me put it this way: If we don't handle Jean, that's one thing. But now that Scott has some sanity problems…" Kurt started as he, Remy and Peter watched in aghast as Scott was muttering incoherently in a crazed, German-accented singsong voice, cackling wildly
"O, alas me, I have no choice…" Remy moaned, rubbing his head before sucking it up and grabbing a tranquilizer gun, and, with a deadpan expression hissed "Let's rock"
Later that evening…
Now that the green light's in my eyes. And my lover's on my mind. And I sing at the piano, tear up my yellow dress and cry, and cry, and cry, over the love of you Jean belted out dramatically, as she posed drunkenly on the armchair, singing Florence + the Machine's Over the Love, holding a Guinness bottle
"Didn't know she could sing that good while sloshed to the gills." Remy commented before Kurt nudged him to zip it. As the song ended, Jean loudly yawned, laid down on the armchair and started to snore
"Mm… I wonder what makes the sun rise…" Jean mumbled, her eyes slowly closing before snoring loudly, sucking her thumb in her sleep, this grossing out Remy, Kurt and Peter in the process
"Oh mein Gott! That's disgusting!" Kurt gasped, retching
"I don't think I ever want to see Jean drunk again." Remy whined before Peter nudged him
"Stand tall, my comrade. We have a job to do, remember?" Peter proudly reminded him, as Remy regained posture as the three slowly slithered over to Jean, as she snored and dreamed
"I want to ride the unicorn, Mommy…" Jean mumbled in her sleep, rolling over before snoring again as Remy lifted up a Drunken-Be-Gone breath mask, lifting it over her head as she snored
"Here goes nothing…" Remy whined, before placing it over Jean's mouth and pressing the trigger, holding his breath… only to sigh in relief as Jean calmly breathed in, sleeping more peacefully
"Thank Mother Russia for that." Peter replied, overly loud as Kurt shushed him, motioning to Jean, who, unbeknownst to him, was starting to stir…
"Oh boy…" Remy winced as Jean slowly yawned, stretching her arms
"Geez, what the hell happened last night, and…?" Jean asked slowly, her mind starting to get in focus as the blurred visions of Kurt, Remy and Peter became lighter "Hey boys. What's up? How was Gatsby?"
"Uh…It was great." Remy replied
"Terrific!" Kurt agreed
"A stupendous film for the ages!" Peter bellowed as Jean nodded in agreement
"Gosh, I felt so overwhelmed this morning. What with babysitting the twins, changing them, driving with Kitty, watching reruns of OC all night… It was stressful. But then again; seeing you boys here just made my day." Jean smiled before making a joyful squeal and embracing the three in a group hug
"AKKK! Jean! I can't breathe!" Kurt wheezed as Jean lovingly nuzzled his fur
"Oh, you three are the best. I love you all so very much." Jean sighed lovingly, as she started kissing Kurt's cheek, Peter's arms, before planting a large smooch on Remy's forehead
SSSMACK!
"Remy, you silly Swamp Rat, I love ya baby!" Jean hollered before grabbing an electric guitar and strumming like wild
"Peter… What the hell just happened?" Kurt asked aghast as Peter watched Jean rock it out
"Beats me. What about you, Remy? Remy?" Peter asked, as Remy was in a trancelike state after that strong kiss Jean planted on his head. Kurt could easily make out large hearts in his eyes
"Love is a song that never ends…" Remy blubbered romantically as he and Jean waltzed through the center hall, before running into a very confused, and totally uninterested Logan
"You've GOT to be kidding!" Logan snarled, before heading out the door screaming "ROGUE! I HOPE YOU BROUGHT YOUR SHOVEL! LOOK AT GUMBO'S NEW DATE!"
"Well… I guess this went rather well." Kurt replied as Scott sauntered in, a lot more recovered after his head injury
"Hey guys. I heard all the music and HOLY…" Scott heaved as he saw Remy dipping Jean while the two did the Foxtrot "What the hell's going on here?!"
"Trust me Scott, you definitely do not want to know." Peter replied