White walls. Puke brown sheets. Ugly floral curtain patterns. Those were the only things I could focus on to distract myself from my actual problem. It wasn't my problem per se, but I was affiliated with the host, so that counted, right? I would wish I wasn't involved, but why bother? You see, love does crazy fucking things to these balls of mush we call our brains.
I looked away from the plain, headache inducing walls and finally rested my eyes on the bruised eyelids of Buttercup Utonium. I placed my hand gently on the side of her face and caressed her broad, withering jawline. She stirred, but only slightly. Her heart rate was being monitored, so when it picked up, I felt a little weird. It was a happy weird though. I stroked the soft skin on her frail cheekbone.
A nurse dressed in an ugly white shirt with ugly white pants and an ugly green smock came in just then. She adjusted Buttercup's IVs and pressed a red button on the wall right under a poster of the human digestive system. Someone came on the intercom.
"Front deck, this is Chelsea speaking." The voice was slightly crackled and covered with static, but the words were still intelligible.
"Check when patient one-oh-eight, Buttercup Utonium, is due for chemo," demanded the nurse in a slightly bored tone. Her deep, brown eyes rolled as she waited for a response.
Finally, Chelsea came back. "Have her down to the operating room by noon tomorrow." The nurse turned to look at me. Her blonde hair was tied up in a bun, but there was one stray hair being blown by the air conditioning. I couldn't help but focus on it even though she was clearly demanding my full attention.
"We need you to leave now, visiting hours are over." I looked at my watch. Was it really eight already? I stood up from the plastic chair that made my back so stiff I could have been mistaken for a very pale tree. I nodded once to the nurse, then leaned down to gently kiss Buttercup's slightly yellow cheek.
Seeing her this way was hard, but leaving her here was just that much more fucking difficult. But I had to do it. Staying strong was going to be my only option for the next six fucking months. Not to mention how long the god damn recovery would take.
I walked down the hall some ways until I reached a room of a different color. This one was the lovely shade of molded bread. On three chairs to the far left corner sat two girls similar in stature to Buttercup. They were her sisters, Bubbles and Blossom. Next to them was Professor Utonium, their dad. I coughed.
"I'm out of here. Text me when she's through with chemo tomorrow." Bubbles nodded then nuzzled into Professor's arm. The three of them were staying the night in the waiting room, which they were privileged to do because they were family of a patient. Why the fuck I wasn't allowed to stay was so beyond me I couldn't even comprehend it, but Buttercup had asked me not to make a scene about it, so I didn't.
I walked down the stairs to the parking garage, and got into my car. I knew I wouldn't be going home, but I also didn't know where I would be going at all. All I did know was that I needed to get so drunk I couldn't remember Buttercup's name let alone the fact that she had cancer. I needed to get the fuck away.
I used to drink for fun, but now it was to numb the pain. Months had gone by since I had seen Buttercup's beautiful, emerald eyes. Sure, I was able to look into them when she was awake, but all of the medicine they had her on mixed with the cancer caused her vibrant green to dim to nearly brown. Her skin even began to show a change in complexion as the time went on, progressing from her normal tan brought on by being outside playing soccer all the time, to a sickly yellow. It was tearing me apart.
Nothing, however, was as bad as when she began losing her hair. It started off slow. She had asked me to help her brush out some of the knots in her short, raven locks, and with one stroke, a small lump freed itself from her scalp. I tried to hide it, not wanting to alarm her, but she noticed. She just took the clump of hair from my hands and stared at it for a while. Then, she laid back in her bed, careful not to jerk at her IVs.
"Butch, you should go," she whispered. I did as she said, kissing her softly on the forehead before turning to leave. That was when my drinking got worse. I wasn't allowed to visit for five days after that, because the doctors had to re-boost her immune system, which was being eaten away by the chemo. On the days when I wasn't with Buttercup, I was normally shitfaced in some bar a couple miles from the hospital. It was actually very convenient, the placement of the hospital, because I could get drunk at the bar, gamble at the casino, and find a really good drug dealer all within minutes of the place. I knew Buttercup hated when I did those things, but she didn't really notice. At least, not recently.
Today would be the last day I was allowed to visit her before her last round of chemo. I was beginning to realize that her time in the hospital had left me better off than her time recovering would. After today, I wouldn't be allowed anywhere near her for two weeks. Sure, that didn't seem like much, but the idea was leaving me stressed and exhausted. At least while she was getting worked on I was allowed to touch her, kiss her, see her.
"Hey, Butch," Buttercup whispered as I let myself in her hospital room for the last time. I sat down on the plastic chair next to her bed and kissed her hand gently. I had only ten minutes until she was due for chemo, and I most certainly didn't want to waste it. We stared at each other for a moment, and suddenly, Buttercup began to shift herself to one side of the bed. She patted the now empty space, inviting me to join her. I was reluctant, but decided that, since I wouldn't see her for quite some time, I could allow myself some indulgence.
I carefully laid down beside her, and she nuzzled into me slowly, adjusting her tubes and needles as she went. We stayed like that for a few minutes, just enjoying each other's touch. I knew that when my ten minutes were up, I was really going to miss this moment, but for now, I just closed my eyes and relaxed, content with staying like that forever.
"Do you think I'm going to be okay?" Buttercup asked. Her voice was barely audible, but due to our close proximity, I could comprehend.
"You've done well so far," I replied simply, not wanting to encourage false hope in either of us. To be honest, I wasn't sure whether or not she would be okay. Whenever doctors tried to talk to me about her, I shut them out. I wasn't sure I could handle what they said, but now I wished I had listened.
"I love you," Buttercup whispered. She kissed my hand, which was wrapped around her shoulder.
"I love you too, Buttercup," I breathed. The nurse came in then, and rushed over to me. She began tugging at me, yelling about how I shouldn't be so close to her, but I wasn't in my body. I had finally come to the realization that, by the end of the week, Buttercup could be dead.
I don't remember what I did that night, or any night actually. All I know was when I woke up, I was still at the hospital. There was an annoying beeping noise, and my arm felt tangled. I reached to remove the disturbance, only to find that I was incapable of moving that arm. Was I paralysed? My eyes shot open, and I found relief in the restraints holding me down. So, I wasn't paralysed, I was imprisoned. I began to flail, trying to escape the constriction that was making me feel claustrophobic. What the fuck happened?
"Nurse, nurse come quick!" When I heard the shout, I forgot about everything else in the world. I turned my head in her direction, and I saw Buttercup looking down a hallway. When a large, old woman came to her, she began talking too fast for me to understand, but it must have been about me, because they both looked right at me when she was done. The nurse pulled open the door, and Buttercup flew in and threw her arms around me, or at least tried, but the IVs made it hard. She kissed me full on the lips, and I kissed her back, until something stirred my memory.
I opened my eyes and looked into her jade green eyes, and she was smiling so brilliantly that my heart began to pound. I heard a beeping noise increase pace, and I assumed it was my heart monitor. It echoed how I felt perfectly.
"Buttercup...you're okay?" I asked. I wanted to reach for her, to pull her close and never let her go, but the damn bed straps were tough. I couldn't budge an inch. When I asked Buttercup about her health, instead of responding happily, she smacked me.
"How dare you?" she bellowed. "Do you even understand how horrible it was for me to be recovered from cancer only to find that you were in a coma? What the fuck is wrong with you?" Buttercup was close to crying due to her anger, I could see that, but I still had no clue what she was talking about.
"Coma? Me? What the fuck?"
"Yeah, you got fucking drunk and fought the Gangreen Gang. They obviously beat your ass, and drugged you to boot. You could have died you fucking idiot!" Buttercup was definitely feeling better.
"How long was I out?" I asked, ignoring her anger.
"Three months," she responded, glaring at me with her beautiful eyes that I missed so much. Her hair was starting to grow back, and it was almost touching her ears, but since most of it was still gone, she wore a green bandana. Regardless, she was radiant.
"Buttercup, I love you," I said, causing her to smile despite her anger. She kissed my cheek.
"I love you too," she replied. She kissed me again, then the nurse came in and sent her out. Buttercup frowned, but followed orders.
The next week was hectic and mentally exhausting, not to mention the physical toll it was taking on me. My arms felt like jell-o, and walking certainly was quite the endeavor. As it turns out, Ace of the Gangreen Gang tried to kill me by overdosing me on heroine, obviously to no avail. The nurse said the amount in my system after the fight made it surprising that I wasn't have symptoms of extreme withdrawal.
Every day, the nurses gave me small exercises to accomplish, like walking up and down my hospital room five times, or snapping my fingers as loudly as I could. I thought the procedures were stupid, but I actually did begin to feel stronger. At the end of my fifth week in the hospital, my nurse, Diana, came in with good news.
"I can leave?" I asked excitedly, standing up from my bed feeling stronger than I had since Buttercup had been diagnosed with cancer.
"You sure can! Your girlfriend is signing out out just down the hall. She asked me to give you these clothes to change into." Diana handed me my set of fresh clothes, hugged me then left. I went into my 'patients only' bathroom and changed out of the hospital gown and into a pair of black sweatpants and a green hoodie. It was definitely comfortable. I thanked Buttercup mentally, dreading the idea of trying to wear jeans. I pulled on my black Van's and left my hospital room.
I met up with Buttercup by the check out and she turned to me with a smile. "Are you ready to get out of here?" she asked, grabbing my arm.
"Fuckin'-a right," I agreed. Together, we finally left the hospital. I gave her the keys to my car since I wasn't entirely sure whether or not I could drive safely, and she took us back to my apartment. It was a quiet half-hour drive, when all I heard was the radio and, occasionally, Buttercup humming along to a song she knew. I didn't think I could be any more content with my life than I was at that very moment.
When we finally arrived at my house, Buttercup sprawled on the couch and closed her eyes while I went into my room to put my stuff away. I grabbed a small, brown box from my dresser and stared at it for a few minutes. I stroked the smooth wood and sighed inwardly. I stood and walked into the kitchen and tossed the box in the trash, then took that bag out to the curb. I had survived almost four months without it, and I sure as hell didn't want to go through any of that ever again.
When I returned back inside, Buttercup was staring at me curiously. "Was that your drug box?" she asked.
"Yeah." I went into the kitchen to grab an apple, then sat down at the kitchen table. Since my apartment was so small, I could still see Buttercup even though we were in different rooms.
"Why did you throw it away?" Buttercup sat up and perched herself near the edge of the couch closest to me. I bit my apple.
When I was done chewing, I explained, "I was just away from you for nearly a fucking year, and a lot of that time was my fault. I'm not gonna let my retarded tendencies ruin us." Buttercup stared at me for a couple moments before a small smile appeared on her lips. She stood and walked over to me, only to fit herself perfectly into my lap. She forced the apple out of my hands and wrapped my arms around her small waist. She kissed me softly and whispered, "I love you."
Before I could even respond, she began kissing me again, only much more passionately. She adjusted herself so both legs were on either side of me, and her fingers intertwined in my hair. By now, her hair was past her ears, and even hung a little. It was like a very short pixie cut, and I was more than ecstatic to be able to run my fingers through it freely.
"You're beautiful," I whispered when she stopped kissing me. She was leaning her forehead on mine and breathing heavily. She pulled back slightly to stare me, and I was immediately enveloped in her enticing green eyes.
She stood up, and before I could be upset that she was going away, she reached for my hand. I intertwined our fingers and followed as she lead us to my bedroom. She closed the door then leaned against it, facing me with wide, excited eyes. If I was fucking stupid, I would wonder what she was doing, but I had some brains, so I closed the space between us and kissed her with even more force than when we were in the kitchen. I pinned her hands above her on the door and began to kiss slowly down her neck. I left small splotches of red as I went, and when I reached the base of her collar bone, I looked at her.
"Are you sure? I know you must still feel kinda weak?" I asked, not positive I really wanted to give her the option to say no. She looked at me with passion burning in her eyes and nodded. I lifted her and she wrapped her legs around my waist and we began kissing again. I walked with her over to my bed and sat her down gently on my green bedspread. In the moment where our lips were parted, I found her tugging my shirt over my head. She marveled at my body for a second before she began tugging at my waistline. She had my pants removed in a flash, and she began kissing me again. Her hands were wandering over my body, stroking every inch they could reach.
She smiled devilishly at me before she began kissing lower and lower on my body. I closed my eyes and let my senses run wild. It wasn't our first time, but it had been nearly a year since we had been like this, and despite the part of me that was a boy, who was internally screaming, "Hell yeah, it's about fucking time!" there was the decent person part of me that reminded me how utterly in love I was with Buttercup Utonium.
Buttercup stopped, probably not wanting to...end things too early, and began to remove her shirt. I pushed her down before she could discard the obstructive material and climbed on top of her, pulling off her shirt myself as I did so to reveal her perfectly smooth, curved figure. I kissed the top of her chest that was exposed, then reached around her back to unhook her bra.
Luckily for me, I didn't go through the embarrassing feat of not being able to get the fucking devil straps undone. The cards must have been in my favor. I removed her bra completely then began kissing her again. She helped by removing her pants, then she pulled the blanket over top of us. I kissed her and she kissed me and we both held one another so close it was as if we were going to lose each other if we didn't.
I lost my grip on reality as she began to softly moan my name. We whispered sweet nothings to each other, and I thought back to how I had almost lost her. She had almost lost me. Our fingers intertwined as we moved in a synchronized dance to the rhythm of our own accelerated heart beats.
In the past months where Buttercup and I both fought for our lives, I realized something that rang true in this perfect piece of reality. I saw that we were the same person. Two hearts beating as one. Two lips connected roughly. Two bodies moving together in a perfect harmony. I was made for her, and she was made for me. Together we created a passion that was unlike any mere night of intercourse. We were one, and utterly, blissfully in love, full of excitement to still be alive.
***Okay you caught me, this is another repost. But hey, you can't argue quality content. The title is a My Chemical Romance reference. The content was written when my brother had cancer. He has since, thankfully, recovered. xoxo-Kelsilynne***