Part One
…she was floating through an expanse of soft, swirling colors feeling nothing and everything all at the same time. Gone was the pain and anger replaced by a feeling of infinite peace and tranquility. Suddenly blackness began to descend on her bringing confusion and pain. As the darkness grew the voices began calling out to her, pulling her from the perfection and her struggles were useless against the void. She was falling…
Buffy woke with a start. The dream again. The same dream that came to her every night since they had brought her back. With a sigh she sat up and realized that she had fallen asleep on the couch. Checking the time she found that it was only eight o'clock. It felt later. She would have to patrol tonight like she patrolled every night since coming back, it helped, sort of. When she was fighting she wasn't able to think. Being the Slayer required focus and if there was one thing that she could focus on right now, it was kicking evil ass.
The thud of footsteps sounded on the stairs. Dawn. Buffy knew that Dawn was angry and hurting but was unable to help her, she couldn't even help herself so how could she possibly hope to make this better for her little sister. Buffy lifted herself off the couch and met Dawn at the bottom of the stairs.
"Hey, Dawn. Why are you all dressed up?"
"Buffy, don't you remember? I'm going to a party with Janice. You said it was okay." Dawn's tone was slightly defensive.
"Right. Party." Buffy hadn't remembered. "Where is this party? Will there be boys?" Buffy cringed hearing herself ask the question. God, she was lame.
"Buffy, I'm fifteen. Boys and girls my age go to parties together all the time. It's like required." Dawn crossed her arms across her chest defiantly. Definite attitude.
"Okay, fine. But be home by midnight." Was that too early or too late?
"Fine." Dawn grabbed for the door.
"Oh and Dawn, no drinking and no-no smoking."
Buffy was talking to the empty doorway since Dawn was already at the car full
of teenage girls that had pulled into the driveway. Buffy continued to watch as Dawn climbed into the back seat and
the car pulled away.
Leaning against the frame of the door she wondered if she was doing right by Dawn. There seemed to be so many things that Buffy should be doing but she couldn't quite remember what they were. Mostly she had hoped that time would make it easier but the level of difficulty kept climbing.
"Oh, Mom. If only you were here." Saying out loud make it sound like a wish and maybe it was. Pushing away from the door Buffy took the stairs two at a time to change her clothes and gather weapons.
After changing into a pair of tight low-rise jeans and a brief black tank top she armed herself with an assortment of knives and stakes. Buffy would have to tell Willow that she was leaving. As she looked towards the door, Willow was already standing there looking pale and rumpled.
"Major slayage tonight, Buff?"
"Yeah. Dawn went to a party and is supposed to be home at midnight, could you look out for her? I'll try and be back in time but…" Her voice trailed off since there was really no need to say it.
"I know. Sacred duty and all." Willow took a deep breath. "Buffy, I'm sorry. I can't say it enough, how truly sorry I am."
"I know, Will. I know and I want to help you through this. We can do it. Together." Buffy somehow managed to smile encouragingly.
"What about Dawn? I don't think she can ever forgive me for what happened. I don't even know if I can forgive myself." Tears slipped down her pale cheeks and Buffy crossed the distance to put her arms around her friend.
"Time. It is going to take a lot of time. She'll come around eventually." The words held an optimism that Buffy didn't feel. Everything out of her mouth felt mechanical and insincere these days. "Going now. Patrolling. Are you going to be okay, do you want me to call Xander or someone to keep you company?"
"No, I'll be okay. I think I'm just going to rest."
"Kay, Will, see ya."
In a rush to escape, Buffy hurriedly grabbed her jacket and ran out the door.
It never failed to amaze Buffy how beautiful the night was. The sky was brimming with stars that dazzled and blinked, occasionally catching fire and blazing a trail against the sky. The midnight blues and purples mingled with the energy of the city to create a visual masterpiece of the landscape. Inhaling deeply of the night air, Buffy headed in the direction of the cemetery.
As the familiar boundaries of the cemetery came into view Buffy couldn't suppress the chill that ran down her spine as she flashed back to the time when she was clawing her way out of her own coffin. It seemed that the harder she tried for normal the farther away from it she got. Maybe it was time to let go of the dream. The one that had her in flowing cotton dresses watching small children play in the white picket fenced yard while she waited for her husband the accountant to come home for dinner. Maybe.
Buffy was careful to stay on the outer edges of this particular cemetery in order to avoid a certain pain in the ass vampire. Okay, maybe he wasn't always a pain in the ass, there were times when-. No. I will not think about him. Avoiding him yes, thinking about him no. But as usual there was the small evil Buffy that insisted on playing devil's advocate. Would it be so bad having him around? Just to watch her back of course. Not for anything else. Nope just an extra pair of hands wielding a stake in the battle of good versus evil. It would only take a couple of minutes to walk over to his crypt and ask for help with patrolling.
Oh God, what was she thinking? Was she actually considering going to him? Since the incident with the invisibility and him telling her to leave she swore to herself that she would never go back. Never.
Suddenly a figure jumped out from behind a tree and charged at her. The sudden appearance of the vampire caught her off guard and he was able to send her sailing through the air to land on a mound of freshly turned earth. Buffy recovered quickly and was back on her feet before the vampire had time to launch a second attack. Slayer mode kicked in and the fight was on.
From his position a few yards away, Spike stood casually smoking a cigarette and watching the show. He had known that she was in the graveyard; he could feel her as if she was standing in front of him. He had waited, hoping that she was finally coming to him but after awhile it became obvious that she was avoiding him. Annoyed with her, Spike told himself that he would not seek her out, he meant it when he said he wouldn't be her whipping boy. The only problem was that he couldn't stop thinking about her and how it felt to hold her in his arms, how she responded to his touch. And she did respond, more than anyone else he had ever been with. The chemistry between them was addictive and dangerous and Spike liked nothing more than a little danger.
Bloody hell.
Spike watched for a few more minutes to make sure that she could handle things and realized that she was only toying with the newborn. Poor bugger. Confident she could handle things, he turned and walked away.
Reaching into her jacket for a stake she decided to put the bad out of its misery. One final kick to the vampire's chest sent it down hard and Buffy thrust the stake home. Dust.
"Is that it? Maybe they should try a selective breeding program. Give me something to work with." Buffy was beginning to grow bored with the lack of challenge presented in the recent vamp community. It was getting too easy.
Buffy brushed the dust and dirt off as best she could and made a cursory check for any of the dead vamp's friends. All clear. Time to move on.
As Buffy walked into the house she nearly collided with Willow who had been rushing towards the door.
"Oh. Sorry, Will."
"Buffy, Dawn never came home. I was just on my way to go look for her. I called Janice and her mom said that Janice had been home since eleven thirty. She woke Janice up and she said that Dawn had gone home at the same time. I'm worried Buffy what if something grabbed her?"
"Don't panic, Will." Buffy was trying to take her own advice. Where could Dawn be? "Stay here in case she calls or comes home. I'm going to look for her." Buffy shot out the front door.
Buffy remembered asking Dawn where the party was but Dawn hadn't given her an answer. Instead she had distracted Buffy with attitude. When she found Dawn she was going to kill her.
Spike was sitting in his favorite, well only chair, throwing back whisky straight out of the bottle. Since the Slayer show earlier he had been in a mood and was currently self-medicating in the hopes of purging the thought of her from his mind. Spike didn't want to think of her soft hair or her beautiful eyes. God, those eyes, sharp and direct making it impossible not to love her. With a growl of frustration, he tipped the bottle back farther.
A small knock sounded at the door. It was her. He had almost given up hoping that she would come. Putting on his typical cocky grin he rushed to open the door.
"Just couldn't stay away, huh Sl-Oh. Niblet. Sorry I thought you were…uh someone else." He should have known it wasn't her, he would have sensed her long before she got to his door. Besides when had Buffy ever knocked?
"Who?" Dawn looked nervous. What was she doing here?
"Nevermind. What are you doing here? Does your sis know you're here?" Better question, how much trouble was he going to get in for this.
"Maybe I shouldn't have come. Its just-I don't know. I-I'll leave now."
"And wouldn't I be the stupid one for letting you prance back out into the pitch all alone. Come on now, get in so I can close the door. Your letting in the fresh air."
Dawn walked inside the crypt and stood looking at the floor. Spike couldn't help but feel for her seeing her so dejected.
"Come on now, tell ol' Spike what's wrong." Glancing down at the arm still in a sling Spike would hazard that he knew exactly what the problem was. Take one mostly dead sister and add a witch on the wrong side of magic and voila-one twisted little sister.
"Wrong? Nothing is wrong. Nothing, that is-except everything." Tears welled up in her eyes. "Please don't tell Buffy that I was here. She would be so angry. It's just I couldn't go back there. To that house with Willow in it." The tears spilled down her cheeks unchecked.
"Sorry, pet. Tough times and all. Well, you're gonna have to go home sometime. Big sis is probably out shakin' down the local demon haunts lookin' for ya. She'll be worried."
"No she won't. She doesn't even notice me when I'm standing in front of her so how could she even tell if I was gone. It's all about Willow getting all bad with the magic and Giles with the leaving. Can't I just stay here? With you?" Here eyes pleaded with him to acquiesce to the impossible and as Spike looked into those melting brown eyes he wanted nothing more than to make everything all right for her.
"Look, lil' bit-"
Spike was interrupted by the arrival of the fore mentioned slayer kicking through the front door.
"Spike, Dawn's missing, has she come by-Dawn! Where have you been? I've been looking all over for you and why are you here? With Spike?" She folded her arms across her chest waiting for an explanation.
"Now, Slayer." Spike could see the anger and worry on her face. "The chit's fine so there's no need to get yourself in a huff."
"Mind your own business, Spike! Dawn, answer me."
Dawn turned to face her sister defiantly. "No. I'm not answering you, just go away and leave me alone!"
"Leave you alone? Dawn, what is with you? I am not leaving you alone and I am especially not leaving you alone here. With him." Buffy pointed at Spike just to make sure everyone knew to whom she was referring. "Look, Dawn we can discuss this later. Let's just go home now. Okay?
"No not okay. Nothing is okay."
"Dawn, what do you want me to do?" Buffy was at a loss. She couldn't just throw Dawn over her shoulder and carry her home. Could she? Buffy was feeling the weight of fear and frustration settling in and all she wanted was to go home.
"Oh, bloody hell! Dawn's mad cuz you let Willow the Wicked Witch of Sunnydale, stay at the house." Spike was growing impatient with the two sisters and irritated at the slayer for her treatment of him.
Buffy glared in Spike's direction before turning her attention back to Dawn. "Is that true, Dawn?"
"Maybe." Dawn stared defiantly at the ground her hands balled into fists at her side, unconsciously mirroring her sister's stance.
"Dawn, Willow made a mistake. A huge, messy mistake but she's sick and I can't just throw her out on the streets. I have to try and help her through this. You have every right to be mad, Dawn, at Willow and at me. We let you down." Buffy took a step towards her sister. "Please, Dawn, let's go home. It's late and we can discuss this after sleeping. Much sleeping."
Spike saw the circles under Buffy's eyes and wondered if she had been able to sleep at all. Shortly after her Lazarus routine he knew that sleeping was a problem but was it still? He felt a tightening in his chest at the thought of her being in distress and he wanted to go to her and wrap his arms around her. But he resisted the impulse since he wasn't feeling the least bit suicidal tonight.
Spike watched as Buffy hesitantly reached a hand out to Dawn. "Dawn, we'll work this out I promise."
Ignoring the offering, Dawn stalked out of the crypt after a final pained look in Spike's direction. After a brief hesitation, Buffy moved to follow her sister.
"Slayer." Buffy stopped at the door but kept her back to him. "She's hurtin' bad and she's afraid of what could happen if Red continues on like this. I've seen some nasty witches in my time. The lure of black magic is seductive and more addictive than any drug. Be careful."
Buffy glanced at Spike over her shoulder, ice shooting out of her hazel eyes. "If I wanted your advice, I would ask for it. And make no mistake about it, I won't be asking. We don't need your help."
Spike watched her walk out, leaving him with the urge to hurt her. Instead he grabbed the nearest object, which happened to be a nearly empty bottle of whiskey, and hurled it across the room finding little satisfaction from seeing the glass explode into a thousand tiny pieces.
"Bitch!"
Buffy and Dawn walked into the house and found Willow sitting on the stairs with the phone in her hand.
"Oh Dawnie! I-I'm glad your home and-and safe." Willow smiled hesitantly at Dawn.
"Whatever." With that, Dawn ran up the stairs to her room and a few seconds the door slammed.
Buffy saw Willow cringe at the sound and felt anger at her sister flare to life. She understood why Dawn was angry but she was going to have to find a way to deal. Somehow.
"Sorry, Will." And Buffy was sorry, sorry she couldn't fix them or herself.
"I-It's okay, Buff. Time and all that, right? Maybe one day…" Willow was trying to be hopeful. "I was just about to call Xander when you walked in. I was worried. So, where was Dawn?"
Wanting to avoid the subject of Spike, Buffy dodged the question. "I think I should go up and talk to her. I've been avoiding this long enough. Maybe I can get her to open up a little."
"That's good, Buffy. I think I'm gonna go to bed now. G'night." Willow made haste back to her room.
Squaring her shoulders Buffy followed them upstairs and headed straight into the lion's den to face one very pissed off teenager.
Opening Dawn's bedroom door she found the girl sitting on the edge of her bed clutching a funny looking stuffed animal to her chest. Buffy sat next to her and took it as a good sign that Dawn didn't jump and run away or start yelling.
"I know that things have been difficult with mom dying and then me-well dying too, but we have to help each other. I know that our lives have changed drastically and all I can say is that it will take some time to get back to normal."
Dawn looked at Buffy incredulously, "Normal? When have we ever been normal? I'm not even a real girl! How can you say that things will be normal or that we ever were?"
"Dawn that's not the point. I admit that our family is not usual but we can be normal people. Normal people with extraordinary crap happening to us but still normal and I want you to help me. I'm not as good as mom or even close really but all we have really is each other and I want us to be okay. I know your angry with Will and so am I but are you going to stay like that forever? Is it even possible for you to try and forgive her?" Exasperation colored Buffy's tone.
"I'm mad at you." Dawn's voice was barely audible but thanks to super-slayer hearing Buffy was able to hear her.
"I know."
"Buffy you've changed. And I know that everyone says that it is to be expected and to give you time but I don't like it. It scares me." Her voice cracked under the pressure of her emotions and Buffy felt her throat constrict.
"Dawn we're gonna have to deal with this and find a way to get past it. If we don't it will only get worse. I can't even tell you how I wish that none of this had ever happened and that none of us had to be hurting but it did and we are." Buffy gently grasped Dawn's chin and turned her to meet Buffy's eyes. "Find a way, Dawn."
"I love you Buffy but I can't get over being angry with you or Will." Buffy smoothed the hair off Dawn's face and gave her a sad smile.
"You will Dawn, you are going to have to try. Okay?"
After a moment Dawn nodded and they sat both lost in their private thoughts.
"So, what is that fuzzy thing you're holding? I've never seen it before." Buffy ran a finger over its soft purple fur.
"Oh. This. Spike gave it to me after you di-left." Dawn's lips curved up in a smile at the memory. "I was having nightmares all the time so he gave me this and said that it was so disgustingly cute that it would scare all the nasties away."
"He probably stole it from some poor little kiddie." Buffy said derisively.
Dawn looked stricken. "Buffy, why do you hate Spike again? I thought you two were finally getting along ever since you came back. Now he never comes over and when he is around you're a total bitch to him."
"Dawn, he's evil and-and bad." Buffy knew the argument was weak but it's not like she could explain her relationship with Spike to a fifteen-year-old. No, not relationship. Sick, sordid, mind-blowing sex, yes. Relationship not so much.
"When you were gone he kept me company. He listened to me when I was sad and missing you and mom, he watched over me when I was scared. We played cards and watched tv. Spike was my friend and now I never get to see him."
"You had Willow, Tara , Xander and Anya too, Dawn. I know that they took care of you."
"Yeah, but with Spike it was different. He didn't have school or jobs, he had time for me. Spike told me that he made you a promise that he would take care of me and keep me safe and he did that. Please don't be mad at him anymore. Whatever he did, I know he's sorry."
Buffy felt a twinge of guilt at her earlier treatment of Spike. Maybe she was being too hard on him. Maybe.
"Dawn, I'm glad that Spike was there for you but things are…complicated, okay? It's late. Get some sleep."
Dawn yawned and got up to get ready for bed. With a smile Buffy walked to the door, "This was good right? Talking I mean. We should do more of it."
Dawn nodded and Buffy, satisfied that they had managed to forge a shaky truce, walked out of the room closing the door behind her.
TBC…