Disclaimer-I don't own glee or any of the characters except the ones I create
Chapter One
Santana's POV
March 4, 2010
It's hard growing up in the city, making friends, and trying to find yourself. It's even harder for a 13-year-old Latina girl in the suburbs of California with two big secrets. My parents have managed to keep things under wraps this far but it's a matter of time before everyone finds out. And quite frankly I'm tired of hiding, of being left out and not being included in activities that have been deemed unsafe. I wish that just once I could go swimming with my friends or have sleepovers like all the other girls, but I know that would put me in an awkward situation, watching half naked girls have pillow fights would bring me and my not so little friend kicking and screaming out of the closet. So here I am up in my room, on a Friday night just starring at the ceiling trying to drown out the loud voices downstairs. My friend Sarah is having a pool party to celebrate her 14th birthday, which I was invited to, but my parents said I couldn't go. I turn up the music as I can hear them arguing yet again about what to do with me. I know deep down they don't care about me and they think I'm a freak of nature and if they could they would leave me and never look back. My phone goes off for the fifth time, I pick it up looking at a new text from Sarah wondering where I am. I quickly reply that I don't feel well and want be coming to the party when I hear the front door slam and the sound of a car starting and pulling away. The bedroom door opens I quickly close my eyes as my mother softly calls my name as she enters. But I don't answer as she turns on the light leaving the door open as she walks over to me.
"Santana, I know you're awake, I just want to talk to you mija," she says as she sits on the bed pushing her hair from her face - she knows I've been crying as she wipes the tears from my face and places a kiss upon my forehead, "Sweetie you know your father and I love you, but we just don't understand why this happened to you and if other people find out it will only make things worse for you." she stated.
"Worse," I reply with a chuckle "How much worse can it get mami? You and papi refuse to talk about it. You think other people with have a problem understanding it I don't even understand It." I cried as she tried to comfort me. Instead of melting into her embrace I push her away. "I'm supposed to be a girl!" I yelled.
"You are a girl, baby." She tells me again pulling me towards her, this time I rest my head on her shoulder
"But I have a penis," I sobbed "That's not normal - I'm not normal and I never will be no matter how much you and dad hate it or me, I can't change that."
"Oh, Santi we don't hate you, we love you."
"Then prove it. Let me go to Sarah's party or have a sleep over, things that normal girls my age do." I begged in between sobs.
"You know you can't do that, what if someone were to see it, you are able to hide your condition at school but you won't be able to at a pool party; I'm trying to keep you safe."
"I don't care, I'm tired of hiding," I stated my tears now gone as I raised my voice "You and papi are the only ones who know about my penis. I don't even have a regular doctor. When I get sick you have him treat me, because let's face it this isn't about my safety, you're worried about what people will think of your freak show of a daughter. I mean not only do I have a penis, but I'm gay," I shout that last part before I could stop myself slapping my hands over my mouth as the words slip out.
"What did you say"? she asked as I slowly backed away from her, my back hitting the wall behind me. She could see that I was beginning to panic as she took a few steps towards me.
"N-n-n-nothing," I stammered as I stared into her eyes trying to get a read on her.
"Santana," Maribel replied sternly, "I'm not angry just repeat what you said".
"I said that I'm gay," I said in a low whisper. I lowered my head and closed my eyes waiting for the yelling, the words of hate and damnation, the hitting or to be thrown out, but instead she walked closer pulling me forward as my mother wrapped her arms around me hugging me tightly to her chest as she stroked my hair.
"Oh, mi hija I am so proud of you."
"So, you're not mad or going to kick me out?" I asked still clinging to my mother
"No, I'm not, and I'm not angry. You are a brave and strong girl and I meant what I said about wanting to keep you safe, but maybe you're right, I mean if you can handle being gay and the stigma that's going to come with it then-"
"So, what are you saying?" I asked as I detached myself from her using my hand to wipe away my tears.
"That if you want, you can tell people and I will take you to a doctor that specializes in cases like yours and maybe you can talk to a therapist..."
"I'm not crazy mami; I don't need a shrink," I quickly objected
"I know," she chuckled, "I just thought a therapist could be an outlet for your feeling or any questions you might have that you don't feel like you can ask me about, that's all," she explained.
"Oh, okay, I'd like that," I smiled, "So what are we going to tell papi, you know he won't like this."
"You let me worry about your father okay? Now why don't you go to bed it's been a long night," she sighed as I got under the covers she leaned down and kissed me on the head.
"I love you mami."
"I love you too bebé, and everything will be fine I promise you," she said before turning and leaving the room, as I drifted off to sleep with a smile on my face, not knowing just how much my young life was about to change.
August 2, 2013
Three Years Later- Lima, Ohio
As I stared at myself in the mirror putting on the last touch of make-up, I began to replay the past three years in my head and though I wished things could have gone differently, I have a great life, great friends and I'm the most popular girl at school, what more can a girl ask for. Sure, I had to move, leaving my home and friends behind, but in the end once my secret came out my so-called friends tormented me daily, I was called every name they could come up with and came home crying and bleeding often. It got to the point where I didn't want to go to school but my father wouldn't allow that - he forced me to go saying "You chose to put yourself out there, now you live with the consequences." So, I took the insults and the abuse while keeping my head held high until one afternoon that changed, and I ended up in the hospital. That was the last straw, as my mother pulled me out of school against my father's protests. He thought I was getting what I deserved, that it was all my fault, and that he wasn't going to let us ruin his life. That was the last time I saw my father before we packed up our things and moved. It took some time getting used to living in such a small town but I like it here. I was given a fresh start and the first thing I promised herself was that I wasn't going to hide who I was, that I was going to be out and open about everything, but I didn't know how to bring up the topic of having a penis.
Flashback
So, on the first day of 9th grade when the teacher me to stand up and introduce myself, I felt it was now or never – I didn't care if people made me an outcast a target for abuse and ridicule, I had spent the summer taking self-defense classes so I could protect myself. So, I made my way to the front of the room and looked around the room as I began to speak.
"Hi, my name is Santana Lopez," I started my eyes not meeting anyone's as I spoke in a low whisper til the teacher instructed me to speak up "My name is Santana Lopez, I'm 13-years-old from California, my mom and I just moved here a few months ago. I like basketball and other sports even though I could never play and that's about it," I replied as quickly as possible before I started to walk back to my seat, the teacher stopped me, asking if there was anything else I wanted my classmates to know about me. I stammered a little before I just blurted out "I'm a lesbian and I have a penis," then sat down resting my lead on my desk as I heard a few snickers around me. The teacher quieted the students down and stood in front of the room clearing his throat and thanked me for that introduction before going on with the lesson. By the end of the school day everyone would know about me, some were skeptical and thought I was lying just to get attention. Until gym class, during a game of kickball when the ball hit me in the crotch and I fell to the ground in pain. I was sore for a couple of hours but I gained a friend that day, since he was the one that kicked the ball that hit me, and with Noah Puckerman by my side people didn't dare mess with me. We were inseparable after that day.
"Hey sorry for hitting you down there it was an accident, I mean it's not bad right you're gonna be okay" he asked as we sat in the nurse's office waiting on my mom
"Why don't you let me kick you down there and find out" I grimaced as he let out a slight chuckle
"I'll pass so I guess asking you out is out of the question"
"Yeah and even if you hadn't done this to me the answer would still be no, I'm gay" I told him
"Cool so how about we be bro's instead, you know I have your back you have mine we can chase chicks together" he offered as I nodded in response as my mother entered the room, she and Puck exchanged introductions before he began to walk out
"Hey Noah" I called out as he turned around "thanks" I said with a smile
"No problem" he smiled back before leaving the room as my mother bang to fuss over me.
End
I was brought out of my thoughts by the sound of a knock on the bathroom door and the sound of my mother's voice.
"Santi, you need to hurry you're going to be late for school, what are you doing in there" she asked, "You're not touching yourself are you" she was suddenly cut off.
"Mami no, I'm not touching myself god I was just thinking" I replied as I opened the door and walked out of the bathroom.
"Oh, well not that it isn't normal thing to do…. I mean you are a girl with hormones and any release is great it's nothing to be ashamed of" my mom explained.
"Okay, I don't want to talk about this with you I mean I know enough alright" I replied as I grabbed my bag.
"What do you mean …...? Santana you're not having sex are you please tell me you're not... your too young and-". Maribel began to rant.
"Mami chill I'm not having sex" I told her as car horn honked outside "Love you gotta go" I replied as I hurried out the door and into Puckerman's car
"Santana we're not done talking" Maribel called after her "I want you home this afternoon so we can finish this talk" she yelled as her daughter got in the boy's truck and closed the door waving her mother off.
"What's up with your mom this morning" puck asked.
"Nothing she thought I was masturbating this morning, so she wants to have the sex talk" I explained causing Puck to laugh as a voice suddenly startled me.
"That's not funny Noah, I think it's great and important for parents to sit down and have a talk about sexual intercourse with their children. So that they are informed and educated on the matter, so that they can protect themselves from STDs and unwanted pregnancies. And for you to laugh at her for that is just-" the girl went on as I stared at the tiny brunette.
"Calm down Rach jeez, take a breath San knows I was only kidding that's what we do" he told her as I continued to stare at the girl "San this is my cousin Rachel, Rach this is my best friend Santana Lopez" he said as we pulled into the school parking lot.
"Well it's nice to meet you San and Noah I will see you after school" she replied as she got out of the car and walked towards the building.
"Dude are you okay" he asked as he looked over at me, he saw the look on my face "Don't even think about it okay that's my cousin, she's new here and-".
"I have no idea what you're talking about she's not even my type" I scoffed finally coming out of my daze.
"Anything with a pulse is your type, who are you kidding and it's cool that you want to sleep with every girl here. I'm the same but I'm just asking you not to try anything with Rachel okay" he said as he stopped me holding his hand out I took it shaking it firmly.
"Fine I want try anything with her alright, besides I have a hot date with a certain blonde cheerleader tonight anyways" I said with a smirk as I headed inside.
"What! you're a liar she would never go out with you" he asked as he followed me inside.
"Well, we will see because by the end of the night I will have her screaming my name" I laughed as we made our way down the hall. Walking over to Stacey I gently stroked her arm before taking her hand and leading her away. I looked over my shoulder at a shocked Puck with a smirk on my face.
August 16, 2013
Two Weeks Later
Rachel's POV
"Hey Santana" I called out as I spotted the Latin making her way down the aisle of the super market.
"Hi Rach, what are you doing here where's Puck?"
"he's hanging out with some of his idiot friends today, so I decided to do a little shopping what about you" I asked noticing the few things in her cart
"My mom is getting off early tonight so I decided to cook her dinner so we can finally have the talk" she said with a sigh.
"Come on it can't be that bad, I mean she just wants to make sure you're being safe and not doing something you will regret" I tell her
"I know but I already know enough, I mean it's not like I'm a virgin and my doctor and my shrink explained everything" she suddenly stopped talking realizing what she had said "Um you know what I have to go" she stammered as she tried to walk pass me.
"Santana it's okay, I see a shrink as well that's nothing to be ashamed of". I assure her as I grab her hand in mine gently stroking it.
"You do, why?" she asked then immediately hated herself once she saw the smaller girls face change "Rach I'm sorry, it's none of my business".
"No, its fine I'm sure Noah will tell you eventually" I begin to tell her "I used to live in New York with my two dads. They were everything to me as I was to them, I had big dreams for myself even as a little kid. They did everything to make sure that one day my dream came true" I explained "I took ballet, dance, piano and vocal lessons I loved it. so, when my school decided to put on a production of rent I was so excited. When I got the lead that was even better, of my dads were so proud of me and said they would be in the front room" I chocked back a sob as tears began to form in my eyes Santana pulled me into a hug.
"Hey, it's okay you don't have to talk about it" she comforted me "you know what I can shop later, how about we get out of here and go hang out" the Latina offered
"No, you don't have to do that I'm sorry I'm crying, I apologize I should go home I'm sure your mom will be waiting for you" I sniffled as I backed up out of her embrace drying my face.
"I don't want to leave you alone when you're upset, I will feel like an awful friend and puck would kick my ass if he found out I upset you and didn't stay with you. So, what do you say come back to my place and you could help me cook, we can even finish our talk if you want and maybe we can get to know each other a little better" she said with a smile as I gave a nod of my head, Santana took my hand and lead me to the front of the store. We separated and got into our own cars as I followed her to her house. I sat down on the couch as, she put the food away in the kitchen before returning to the living room and sitting down leaving space between us.
"It's nice to finally hang out with you, I have ridden to school with you and Noah for the past two weeks and you barely said a word to me or even look at me" I stated as she seemed to keep her distance I decided to move a little closer "So have you lived in Lima long" I asked.
"About 3 years, my mom and I moved here from California after an incident, she thought I needed a fresh start. my dad didn't agree, he thought it was my fault, so they split up". She finished with a shrug as if it didn't matter that her family was torn apart.
"San I'm sorry" I say a I reach out and take her hand holding it in between mine, she finally lets out a breath it seems she had been holding in.
"No, it's fine you know he was never going to accept me, he would always be ashamed of me and I was tired of trying to hide who I was and just wanted to live my life and now I get too".
"That's awful I mean what kind of father can't accept his own daughter I mean what could you have possibly have done for him to make you feel like you had to hide". I wanted to know
"Well I'm a girl and I have a penis".
"Oh" I stated simply.
"Oh, that's all you have to say, I tell you I'm a girl with a penis and all you say is oh". She yelled a little loudly startling me with her outburst. I began to reassure her.
"Well I mean I grew up in a pretty open-minded house, my parents were gay and so were there friends and plus you wouldn't be the first inter-sexed person that I have met". I tell her
"I'm not".
"No, I had a friend when I was 8 who was inter-sexed, even though I didn't know it at the time. But one day we were playing and she took my doll, so I kicked her between the legs to make her give it back. she fell to the ground and started crying it wasn't til later that my parents explained it to me, that I understood". I always felt bad about that, however Ella and I still remained friends til my parents died and I moved away.
"So, I guess if I told you I was gay you would be okay with that to" she asked.
"Yes, because I'm bisexual so it wouldn't matter" I replied as I scooted closer to her.
"Um…. I'm going to go check on dinner" she said as she slipped away from me standing up abruptly I grabbed her arm and pulled her back down.
"You're beautiful" I whispered as I gently stroked her cheek "The prettiest girl I have ever seen" I said as I moved closer to her our lips grazing. I grabbed the back of her head pulling her into a deep kiss I can feel her resistance, but Santana doesn't pull away immediately. I know she is my cousin's best friend and we've only known each other for two weeks, but I can't help how I feel about her. I can feel her tongue in my mouth as the kiss heats up, when she suddenly pushes me away. I'm about to protest when I hear a door close and her mother appear a moment later.
"Tana I'm home, I hope you're ready to talk because we are not avoiding this anymore" she said as she came into the room we quickly separated.
"Hi mami, I'm glad you're home, I was just about to start dinner" Santana stammered avoiding eye contact with her mom "Um…. this is my friend Rachel, Rachel this is my mom".
"It's nice to meet you Ms. Lopez" I said.
"Likewise, Rachel but if you don't mind I think it would be best if you went home, Tana and I need to have a talk".
"Okay" I stammered as I walked past her mom before turning to say good bye to them. I can hear Santana grumble something as I close the door behind me.
Santana's POV
I'm about to turn and go upstairs when my mom stops me.
"I can't believe you Santana Marie after all I have done for you, you lie to my face. I thought that after what happened back home, you promised to be honest with me". She scolded me
"What are you talking about I haven't done anything and I definitely haven't lied to you". I respond
"Oh no how about two weeks ago when you said that you weren't having sex, but tonight I walk in to find you and some girl making out on my couch".
"Okay first Rachel is just a friend and puck's cousin she just moved here. I ran into her at the store she was upset, so I invited her back here to talk". I defend
"Well there wasn't a lot of talking going on from where I was standing" Ms. Lopez replied.
"See, this is why I didn't want to have this conversation with you, because I knew you would get all judgmental" I yelled and tried to walk away from her but she stopped me.
"I'm not judging you honey, I'm trying to make sure your safe". She assured me
"Oh, like you did before"? I state pushing her hands from my shoulders
"I have apologized for that and you know I feel bad that we made you hide yourself and I'm so proud that you're free to be yourself here and that you have friends. But when I say safe I mean sexually Tana, you know that you aren't like other girls". Ms. Lopez sighed as she reminded the teen for the millionth time.
"I know mom I have a constant reminder that I'm not" I replied rolling my eyes "I have talked about this with my therapist and with Dr. Morgan. I don't see why I'm talking about it again okay, I know about sex and I know how to protect myself".
"But protection doesn't always work and accidents happen and I don't want you to have one. I don't want some girl showing up here telling me that you got her pregnant or that she gave you something or vice versa".
"Okay mom, I get it and like I said I'm always careful I'm not going to catch anything and we don't even know if I can get anyone pregnant". I remind her
"This is why I set you up with an appointment with Dr. Morgan tomorrow, which I will be taking you to so we can make sure". She tells me as I take a few steps up the stairs
"Whatever mom can I go now" I sighed.
"Yes, but first just answer a question are you having sex with Rachel and be honest".
"No, mom I'm not having sex with her, she just kissed me and I pushed her away honestly I would never have sex with her puck would kill me".
"Okay go to bed I'll see you in the morning and I love you honey".
"Love you to mami" I said as I made my way up to my room and threw myself onto the bed. I brought my hand to my mouth where her lips had been as a smile came across my face I thought about how great it would feel to kiss her again.
Rachel's POV
"Hey! where have you been all day" Noah asked as I walked into the house he was playing some game and glanced in my direction.
"I went to the grocery store and then I went so Santana's" I replied as I put the food away.
"What" he yelled startling me "Why the hell were you at her place and why are you getting here so late"? he wondered "Did you sleep with her" he remarked in an accusatory tone
"No, I didn't sleep with her you idiot, she was at the store as well, we talked I got upset and so she took me back to her house until I felt better. What's the big deal"?
"The big deal is Santana is a player okay and I told her to stay away from you. Don't get me wrong she is my best friend, but I'll be damned if I let you become another one of her conquests".
"You told her to stay away from me, I can't believe you she is the only friend that I have made since I've been here and you told her to stay away". I screamed at him
"I'm just looking out for you" he protested "You're my cousin, you just lost your parents, moved to a new place and a new school you're vulnerable right now".
"This is all the more reason why I need friends no matter who they are." I tell him "And if she is such a good friend to you why can't she be mine"?
"Because she's doesn't want to sleep with me" he stated.
"You know what this is a pointless conversation and I'm ending it. It's none of your business who I sleep with or am friends with for that matter. You are not my father's, you can't tell me what to do". I shout s before tuning to walk up the stairs "Oh and one more thing. If I want to sleep with Santana I will and there's not a damn thing you can do about It." I tell him, before going to my room slamming the door.
XXXXXXX
Puck sighed pulling out his phone sending a quick text to Santana, if he couldn't through to his cousin he knew that he could trust Santana not to betray him.
You're my best friend and I love you so I'm asking as a friend. Please don't do anything stupid with Rachel. She gets attached quickly and I don't want you to lead her on she's kind of vulnerable at the moment. So just leave her alone". -Puck
He waited a moment and received a one worded reply before shutting off his light and falling asleep.
Fine. -San