Key: Naeovex thoughts Caim's mind speech
...
Perhaps...it would have been better if I never returned......
...
Everything seemed….perfect.
Life seemed happy, the war was ending, and Naeovex met the family he never got to know. He was accepted with open arms, and not a word was said about the incident.
He met his mother, the one he had called the caring one. He met his father; the one he thought was cold and uncaring. He found out that he had been tormented for all the years that passed….
How long had it been?
Naeovex didn't want to remember. He just wanted to forget that part of his life. But he couldn't.
17 years…..
It plagued him relentlessly. The pain, the fear, the window, the fall, the rain the thunder, the knife the eyes. Naeo closed his eyes, trying to forget again. But he saw it ever more clearly than he did with his eyes open. The cold, the darkness, the tears, the rejection. He saw it in his father, he saw it in himself. The lines and jagged curves on his pale skin were constant reminders.
That night….
The horrible night.
He had always asked himself why, and he could never come up with an answer. He didn't have the nerve to ask his parents when he met them; he didn't want to cause them anymore pain. He pretended not to mind, not to worry, to be cheerful happy, lively….
The complete opposite of who I am…..
He had been at the castle he never grew up in for a few months before it hit him.
Before his dream came crumbling down.
Naeo tightened his eyes even more, before snapping them open when a warm hand was laid on his. He realized he was shaking, that he had slipped up. His sister was looking at him with clear worry in her blue eyes. He gave her a very convincing fake smile, but she frowned at him. He fought the urge to bite his lip, a habit he normally did when he was thinking or nervous…or paranoid.
"Naeovex?" he looked up at his mother, who was seated directly across the table from him, "What's wrong?"
Damn it….
"What do you mean, I'm fine." He said, giving her a fake smile.
Lies…..so many lies…..
"You were shaking, and you looked frightened, you got pale all of a sudden, and you've got a tear on your cheek." His mother said, glaring at him, knowing he was now hiding something.
Naeo grinded his teeth as he reached up and rushed the tear away, "I'm fine, honest. My mind just wandered a bit, is all…."
Tears…..cursed tears……so many tears have been cried…..
"To that night." Naeovex looked to his left, where his father sat at the end of the table, next to Opal, "Am I correct?"
Naeo just stared at him, silently. He never bothered to ask why he could only hear his father's vice in his mind. He never wanted to know. Shaking his head, Naeovex denied that allegation his father purposed.
"The past is the past, what's done is done. I can't change it, so I never think about It." he lied through his sharp teeth.
Pain, fear, coldness, hate…..anger…..that night…..
His father stared at him, his blue eye digging like a sharp knife into Naeovex. He felt his mother and sisters burrowing gaze on him as well. He bit the inside of his check in frustration; he had slipped up too much.
"Why……Why did this happen to me….?"
He wanted to know so much…..but he didn't dare ask. He didn't dare bring pain and sorrow to the happiness that his family lived in. he would not tear down such a cleverly woven net….
Not yet, at least…….
He smiled brightly, telling them once more than he was fine, perfectly fine, nothing was wrong. They kept staring at him; he knew they didn't believe him. He looked away and excused himself from the table, saying it was time that he reorganized his room.
Too organized……like something would be in its proper place even when its owner is gone….
Naeovex climbed the stairs to his room, head bent low. His frail frame shook slightly, his thin fingers hold onto the railing as if he'd fall if he didn't. After three flights of stairs, he stopped halfway up the fourth, leaning against the wall. His head tilted back, his black hair tickling his tail. He slowly sunk down to sit on the stairs, his draconic legs unable to hold him anymore. He closed his eyes again, his hand still holding the railing. A tear slowly crawled out of his eye….
Secrets…..so many secrets…..so many…..
…I'm drowning in them……
There were few things he wanted to do. He wanted to tell his father he never hated him, that he forgave him and he love him. He wanted to show his mother he was strong, that he could bear any weight on his shoulders.
Every weight except the weight of the lies and secrets I bear now……
He wanted to teach his sister so many things, keep her from crumbling like he had. Her will was strong, he saw, she was tough and resilient.
Unlike me…..
He wanted to walk in a thunderstorm for some reason. He always did like the rain. It calmed him, made him feel like he was a part of a larger circle. Like the tiniest part of a clock, so small but so important. He felt like the whole world was a giant clock in a thunderstorm. It felt like the lies and secrets didn't matter in a thunderstorm.
Like I don't have to pretend…..
Like I don't have to suffer….
Like I can forget…..
He could rarely forget, rarely escape the relentless memories. He couldn't tell a single truth, because he knew he'd fall apart if he did. He'd fall like a great tower with an unstable foundation, and all the treasures and trinkets stored in that tower would be plain as sunlight.
I just want to be strong…..
I don't want to die.
Caim watched his son from behind the corner at the top of the third flight of stairs. He watches him start to shake, to start to cry, to suddenly look very frail. He just watched, he didn't know what to do. He guessed it had something to do with his past, he knew the memories must haunt the young hybrid.
But he didn't know if she should intervene, if he should try to ask him what was truly wrong with him. He doubted he get the truth anyway. Staring at his son for one last moment, Caim turned around and walked back down the stairs.
Naeovex coughed slightly, pain exploding in his chest.
This constant pain…….I can't handle it much more....
He slowly opened his eyes, blinking them a few times to get the remaining tears out of his eyes. He had dealt with pain all his life, from the very beginning. But it's gotten worse over years. It affected his legs, his breathing, his strength and his focus. Every time he moved, a sharp pain would remind him of who he was.
I don't want to remember…..
He slowly got to his feet, his legs erupting in pain. He tried to ignore it like he always did, but even that was becoming harder and harder….he knew he couldn't hide this much longer. He knew he had to leave so he didn't cause his family more grief than they could handle.
But I know they'd try to find me, I know they'd find out…..
As he stumbled into his room, and closed the door behind him, he made his plan.
They don't need to worry……
Naeovex collapsed on his bed, his breathing in sharp gasps.
They don't need to know I'm dying...
...
Pain. Horrible pain. Like his head was slowly being smashed in with a hammer, like someone stabbed him in the chest and was twisting the knife slowly. Like he had broken both his legs completely, like his arms were in a wildfire. He cried out, clutching his chest. His heart beat out of control, faster and faster each minuet. His lungs gasped for air as his throat closed up. His feet went numb when oxygen wasn't getting to them, and his eyes dilated to the size of pinholes. His mind clouded, and a sharp sound rang in his ears.
No…..not now….!
He screamed in agony as a violent spasm overtook his frail body, breaking him to his very core.
Please let them not hear me…..
He heard a faint thud other than the sharp sound that rang in his ears relentlessly, his carefully built tower of lies crashing down when he felt hands on his burning skin. He heard faint voices, felt people trying to hold him still. Their touches just hurt him more, making him fight to get them off, to stop as much pain as he could. He heard his name being called over and over, he couldn't see anything but bright lights, blinding him, so he closed his eyes, but it didn't help.
Please, let it end, let this be the last time….
He screamed again, thrashing his limbs out of the people who were holding him's grip. He tried to curl into a ball, but those burning hands kept pulling him in every way. It hurt. He wanted to tell them to stop, but he couldn't all he could do was scream.
He felt his body being pinned down, one of his arms held out straight. He heard so many voices; it made his head feel like it was going to explode. The pain was so overwhelming….
Please…….just make it stop…..
He felt something sharp pinch through his skin, and he scream again in bloody murder. He felt a burning substance enter his flesh, into his bloodstream. It burned up his arm, through every vein, into his chest, through his rapid heart. He screamed over and over, fighting to breathe and to get the painful grasps off of him.
Please…Vita….I give up…..
The sounds and blinding lights died out, the pain slowly drifting away into numbness. He could see the blurry forms of his mother and father and unconsciousness took him, hearing his name cried one last time…..
...
Whispers.
Darkness…..
Confusion….
Where am I?
He slowly opened his eyes blinking the blurry fuzzy lines out of his perfect vision. He saw a white ceiling. She looked out a corner of his eye and saw a night side table. He looked out the other side and saw the sleeping forms of his family. He saw his sister lying on a few chairs, with her head in his mother's lap. His mother was leaning against the wall, her fiery red hair blocking her face. He saw his father leaning against the wall where the chairs ended, but he didn't look like he was sleeping.
Naeo turned his head to see them better and to get a better look at his surroundings, he didn't recognize the room, but there were so many rooms he hadn't seen yet, he wasn't surprised. A candle was on the night stand in front of his gaze, give the room minimal light. He closed his eyes, trying to remember why he might be here.
"You were having an attack, of some sorts. You were screaming in pain, and your sister heard you. You were on the floor when we got your door unlocked." Naeovex looked over to his father, who was staring at him intently. Naeovex gulped realization and memory returning to him.
No………
His father pushed himself off the wall and walked over to the bed Naeovex was lying on. He sat down on the edge, his dark blue eye showed remorse and….sorrow. This surprised the young hybrid.
"Naeovex, "his father said his voice quite and reluctant to speak his own son's name, "….what happened?"
Naeovex turned his head away, feeling his tower come crashing down again. He felt weak, frail, and pathetic. He knew he looked it too. He couldn't hide it.
I should have left earlier…..
Naeovex closed his eyes, breathing slowly for a few moments. His chest was tight, he was having trouble breathing. He sighed, turning his head back to face his father, opening his eyes.
Don't say it, just don't tell them. They'll think it was a onetime thing that it may not happen again.
I can't hide it anymore.
"…….Father…….." he winced at how weak and cracked his voice sounded, making his tower ruins fall deeper into piles of useless rock,
"I'm dying."
You shouldn't have told him, he's going to tell the other two. You'll make them worry, they'll try to help you, and they'll try to prevent it….
"And….it can't be stopped."
They'll try anyway.
His father just looked at him, his eyes showing pain and sorrow. He looked away after a few moments, sighing an airy sigh. He looked over at his wife and his daughter, then down at the floor.
"From what?" his voice spoke the one question Naeovex didn't want to answer.
"A rare illness that can't be cured, that's eventually deadly…..it infects the body at its weakest point, when its immune system is preoccupied and overwhelmed. I've had it most of my life…."
Caim nodded, understanding perfectly when and where his son got this horrid ailment. He watched as his son turned his head coughed, seeing him wince in pain that looked to wrack his entire body. He had seen his son trash and scream during the pain attack. He had tried to stop him, to calm him. It hadn't worked, and he had to get a healer to inject a serum into his sons arm.
"Why didn't you tell us?"
Naeovex shut his eyes tight, "because it wouldn't have made a difference. I didn't want to have everyone worrying for me."
It wouldn't stop the fact I have so little time left…
Caim nodded, unsure of what to say or do. He wanted to try to help his son, but in his heart, he knew it would be fruitless.
"How much time do you have left?"
Too little…….
"A few months, give or take…."
Caim nodded, pushing himself off the bed, "rest. You need it."
Naeovex nodded solemnly, before closing his eyes.
Dead men don't sleep…..
...
Opal put the dishes into the sink, her talons scraping on the surface slightly. She ran the warm water over them, scrubbing them with her human hand. Her wings were fold against her back, her black wavy hair tied up. She stacked the clean dishes on a towel, the chore dragging on for what seemed like hours.
Footsteps behind her made her turn her head, thinking it was her mother.
She was met with her brother's frail frame.
She turned back around without saying a word, cleaning the plate she had in her hands. She heard him walk around the table. She scrubbed the plate harder, her talons digging into the back slowly.
"Do you always wash the plates so aggressively?" Naeovex's voice came from behind her.
She stopped washing the white surface, her human hand clenching around the sponge. Without warning, she dropped both it and the plate into the sink and flung around. She tried to grab at her brother, but he backed up. She roared and opened her wings, grabbing his shirt in anger.
"You IDIOT!!" she screeched, beating her fists on his chest, "you fucking IDIOT! Why didn't you tell them, tell me?! Why?!"
He tried to push the crazed woman off of him, but she slapped his face, sharp nails almost cutting him. She grabbed his shirt again, pulling on it, shouting at him.
"I want to know why, damn it! Why the hell would you hide something like that?! Did you think it was going to go away?! IDIOT! Damned bloody IDIOT!" she fell into his arms, her anger transforming into the grief and sorrow it had masked, "stupid idiot……."
She slammed her fist into his chest a few more times, before clinging to him as she started to cry. He wrapped his arms around her, despite the newfound pain in his chest and his face. She sobbed, continuing to accuse him of being the largest idiot in the world. He held her tight, guilt and pain breaking his heart again.
"Please….."She sobbed into his chest, "tell me you'll be okay……"
Naeovex tightened his hold on her, wanting so much to tell her the words she wanted to hear. Wanting to tell her the truth for once. Wanting to calm her hurting heart, to give her even just a temporary sense of security.
He wanted to tell her he would be okay.
It broke him to the core that he couldn't.
A small tear escaped his eye and rolled down his cheek, burring a trail of fire as it fell. She held his sister, his closest kin, tightly, so tight he feared she might break. But he knew she was stronger than that, stronger than him. He bent his head, wanting to whisper the words she wanted, she needed to hear in her ear.
But I can't lie to her anymore….
"Opal…….please….forgive me……I'm sorry……" he felt her hands tighten on his shirt, and it felt like they priced his very heart.
I love you……
Naeovex let her go, telling her he needed to rest. She nodded, tears still staining her face. She returned to her chore, salt water droplet mixing with soapy dishwater.
Naeovex climbed the stairs to his room, his own tears staining his own face.
I can't keep breaking their hearts…..
He almost tripped his mind a whirling mess of sorrow and pain.
It hurts too much.
He closed the door to his room, hesitating before turning the lock.
I love them too much to give them false hope…..
He closed his eyes, burning years scorching his cheeks.
What would it take……?
His right hand moved to reveal a small syringe, taken from the horse stables, filled with enough toxins to stop a horse's heart almost instantly.
To say goodbye?
He shut his eyes tight, walking over to his bed in a sort of trance.
I've survived so much…..
He began to breathe quickly as he made sure that the needle would work.
I shouldn't do this……
With shaking hand, he held the needle to his left arm, above a main artery.
I'm a coward for this……an idiot for this….
Slowly, he pushed the needle tip into his arm, ignore the slight pain.
Please, Father…mother…sister…….forgive me……
He wept hard as he took one last look around.
I never meant to hurt you…..
His squeezed his eyes shut as he pushed the needs back. The toxin rushed into his blood, like the serum used to save his life just a few days prior.
I love you, Opal! I'm sorry!
His eyes snapped open and his heart started to beat improperly. He pulled the needle out, and threw it out the window, saving his family from the horrible knowledge that he committed suicide.
I'm so sorry, Opal, I wanted to tell you, I wanted to find a cure, I wanted to be there for you, I wanted to ensure your happiness……
He gasped for breath, stumbling and clutching his chest. He fell onto his bed, his lungs trying desperately to keep him breathing. His heart beat slowly now, ever so slowly…..
I'll always be with you…..
His eyes slowly closed, and he breathed his last breath…..
His heart finally stopping.
I love you…..
...
The castle was completely silent. The maids and various attendants were all horrified. Angelus was screaming and sobbing into Caims shoulder, as he just looked on in horror.
He had known that something had been wrong when he found the door locked.
He never wanted to find this.
The healers and doctors had pronounced him dead; there was nothing they could do.
Caim shook, his emotions a torrent in his heart.
He never wanted to see this.
Their attention was aroused as quick footsteps came down the hall, and a few maids tried to push the door shut. But the winged woman caught it and stepped inside, her own heart stopping in horror.
She stood there for a few moments, staring at her brother's limps body. She shook her head slowly, her eyes watering. She wasn't seeing this, she didn't believe it, she couldn't believe it. She had just talked to him just hours ago, this couldn't have happened.
"No….no….this can't be….it's not true…….it can't be true…….it can't……..Naeovex!"
Her father daughter her as she tried to run to her brother's side, but she just cried out and fought against him.
"It's not true! He's not dead, he can't be dead!" she screamed in anguish
She fought against Caim's hands and arms, trying to push him away. She kept calling his name, needing him to look up and answer, like he was pulling a sick joke on them. But deep in her broken heart, she knew her brother wouldn't play this kind of joke, but she didn't want to believe he was gone.
"GET OFF ME, HE'S NOT DEAD!"
She pushed her father off of her, running over and pressing her fingers to his neck.
"No……no……no….no, please, Naeovex……no…no………" she shook her head, her tears running down her face.
"No, Naeovex, please…….please, don't do this to me……please…..no….."
She cried out and collapsed onto his cold body, weeping into his shirt. She fisted his shirt, crying and sobbing.
But his arms did not wrap around her tightly like they had just hours before.
"Naeovex…….."she cried, "Naeovex……..please………wake up……….please, just wake up……wake up……..I need you……….please……."
...
From deep with the other realm of death, the dragon legged hybrid buried his face into his hands. He reached out and touched the glass looking glass, his ghostly form locked in shackles.
Softly, he began to sing,
"So if you love me,
Let me go.
And run away before I know.
My heart is just too dark to care.
I can't destroy what isn't there.
Deliver me into my fate.
If I'm alone I cannot hate.
I don't deserve to have you….
…My smile was taken long ago,
If I can change I hope I never know!"
I'm sorry…….
I never meant to hurt you…….
...
Notes:
.....my OC, Naeovex, always had a darker side i almsot never revealed until now. he's always contimplated suicide to end his suffering, but never fully went through with it. what made this time different, was that he thought he'd cause his family more pain to stay alive ans suffer with each breath than to die and have peace......
he was wrong.
and he regrets it.
the song is a prhase from the song "snuff" byt slipknot. it's a great sad song, you should reread this listeing to it it might make more sense.
also, What hurts the most byt Rascle Flatts is also i here, but in one line. the music video inspired Opals reaction as well.
Naeovex (C) to me,
Opal (C) to Rhavis
Caim/Angelus, all of Drakengard (C) to Squeare Enix
thanks for reading. please reveiw!