Chikane: This was meant to be a little one shot idea, but I've become obsessed with the idea of maybe making it a small chapter thing. I know I have a current story going on, Betrayal Never Tasted So Good, but I can't go on without letting this story out. Please Enjoy!
Cherry blossoms dance gently in the wind. The sun lights up the Earth like a diamond would shine if the sun were to refract just right. The breeze kisses the tree branches in a shy manner. And you, you make the image of all that is natural, become so surreal.
I can't help, but watch you with my hungry eyes, scared that if I blink, you'll have been a figment of my imagination. I carve the memory of your smile in my mind, take mental images of how your nose scrunches when it has a slight itch, memorize the way you emphasize the letter 'P' in words. You might think me crazy to catch such small things about you, but to be quite frank, those are the things that appeal to me the most.
A dozen roses, brand name purses, and bold declarations of love are so cliché. I'd much rather have someone who expresses themselves through small acts of love, or friendship. Don't get me wrong, I would love to get roses from you, but for now I'm content with you getting me almond ice cream, instead of buttered pecan, because you remember that I dislike pecans.
"Amu? Have you even been paying attention to what I'm saying?" As you bring me out of the daze that I fall into when I'm around you, I blush and look into your mesmerizing eyes.
"Y-yes. Of course, I h-have." Nervously laughing, you catch my lie, like always.
"Really? What'd I say then?" My eyes catch your infamous smirk. The smirk that I so very much love.
"U-uh. Was it about school?"
"I don't know Amu. If you were paying attention you wouldn't have to ask me, now would you?" My blush comes back as your smirk stretches. Why do you have this effect on me? Why do I lose myself in thoughts of you?
"W-well, I u-um. I-Ikuto, I… wasn't paying attention. I'm sorry." Head falling forward in shame, I catch your soft smile. The gentle smile that I thank God you have blessed my eyes with. The smile that you only give me.
Your colossal hand comes down upon my head softly. Ruffling my hair, you tenderly accept my apology and coax me into looking at you. I joke that I dislike when you leave my hair disheveled from your ruffling, but I sometimes wish, on the first star at night, that one day time will freeze with your hand on my head, so we can remain like that forever. But I'm satisfied with the amusement that takes over your features and your throaty chuckle at my acts of annoyance toward you.
"I was saying that I really need help with the English test coming up next week. Then, I was going to ask you to help me study, because you're really good at English." My heart always flutters when you praise me, even if it's something as trivial as school work. It takes all the will power inside of me to hold down my blush.
"I guess I don't mind helping you." I'd LOVE to help you! I can't wait to help you! Ikuto, I love spending time with you.
"You don't have to act all Cool n' Spicy with me Amu. I know you're dying to spend time with me again." There goes my blush, the blush that makes fire trucks pale in comparison.
"A-As if! Perv! Who would want to hang out with you?!" I would. I most definitely would want to hang out with you. Hell, I am dying to spend time with you.
Do you enjoy my presence? At least a quarter amount of how much I enjoy yours?
"You do, my little strawberry."
How is it even possible for my blush to deepen in color? How do you induce these reactions in me? Sometimes I doubt that you're even human. Humans just can't be as perfect as you are.
You, who bears no flaws. You, who appears to have been hand crafted by the gods and blessed by the angels. You, who the universe seems to have deemed the center of its being. There is no way that you can be mortal.
Your silky, unkempt hair that is depth upon depth of the most blue midnight. A slender, long face taken up by the dark oceans you were gifted for eyes. The chiseled nose that leads to the world's most delicate, pink lips that spread slyly to show your pearls of teeth. Your skin is similar in color to a creamy vanilla, with a pinch of natural red in areas, such as your cheeks. Possessing a long, slim body you still manage to have muscles that show through your barriers of clothing. Slender hands, calloused from years of making melodic music on your violin, are still so velvet in their touch. And, a heart so pure in it's benevolence that my soul can feel the touch of yours. Your untainted soul, the soul made in the image of God, seems to be of a higher power than he. I have never met such a kindred spirit as yourself. I doubt I ever will.
But despite all the descriptions I manage to think of when I see you, I feel as if there are no words created that could ever truly capture how unique and exquisite a person you are. And I apologize that my descriptions are not nearly enough to be associated with you.
"Ja ne, Amu." My eyes quickly snap to your retreating figure. I'm aware that I'll see you again, but I can't stop the throbbing pain my heart feels when I watch you walk away from me.
"Ikuto?!" You turn your head slightly toward me, but I'm just glad you acknowledged me at all.
"That's what happens when you day dream, strawberry. Meet you at the cafe this weekend!" I can't do anything, but nod. I know my voice will fail me, because I'm much too excited for the weekend to come. I'm much too excited to be back in your presence. I'm not quite sure how I even make it through the week without seeing you.
Ikuto, I love you too much.
...
The week crept on slowly. No matter how long I went without looking at a clock, or how busy I kept myself, it seemed like centuries would pass, before I could gaze upon the magnificent sight of you. I would find myself often slipping off into fantasies of you, or getting lost in the memory of moments we shared together. Despite seeing you in my mind's eye, I grew impatient. I needed to see you again. I needed to reassure myself that my imagination didn't conjure you up. That would be quite morbid, wouldn't it? I created something so otherworldly, forced myself to covet what I am unworthy of, and when I can no longer go without seeing you and being with you, you turn out to have been fictitious.
Upon pondering this idea, I walk into the cafe you wanted to meet up at. Your harmonious laugh pierces through any and all of my thoughts that are not related to you. My eyes automatically scan for your blue tresses and I can't deny that I'm relieved you're real. Before I relax and saunter over to you, my eyes flick to the girl seated in front of you. Who is this girl? Why are you laughing with her?
I'm aware of the heart shattering smile you give her. The way that grin kisses the corners of your eyes. I don't believe you've ever looked at me like that. I'm uncertain of whether I've ever seen anything, smirk or smile, touch the corners of your eyes, as if you're in a blissful happiness. You're staring at her. You're forgetting to blink, Ikuto. You don't get caught staring. That isn't who you are, at least, that isn't who you are with me.
Who is this girl?
Taking in the image of her figure, I understand what I lack as a woman. I could never reflect beauty such as hers. With fiery red hair to gaze upon, who would want such a childish pink? When you could hike in the forests of her eyes, why would you want to drown in my buckets of honey? With full, soft lips to peck, why would you even take a second glance at my thin ones?
I'll always be a little girl in the shadow of this woman, won't I, Ikuto?
I want to cry, but I force down any tears and pain. I won't burden you with the pain of my love and heart break. I refuse to be a burden to you. Before I can muster up all the strength in me and push any cowardice out, your eyes dance over to me. You look slightly shocked that I'm here. Was I not supposed to be? Did you forget that you asked me here, Ikuto?
Am I being a burden?
You rise and take quick, long strides to me. I manage a small smile, but I can't tell if it looks normal, because I'm forcing myself so much that my face feels about ready to crack. "Amu?!"
"Ikuto? Did you forget we're studying today?" My voice sounds normal to me. I can't pick up any betrayal of my feelings in my voice. "You about ready to go and get smarter? Teacher Amu will ensure you ace that test, or your money back, no questions asked!" I playfully punch your arm.
Am I trying too hard at sounding cheerful? I'm honestly trying to seem like everything is okay.
Like I didn't just witness the murder of my own heart.
"Come on! I don't have all day. We can sit ov-"
"Amu."
Why'd you interrupt? Why do you look so apologetic as you scratch your head? What are you going to tell me, Ikuto?
"Amu, I.." You... What, Ikuto? What did you do? I'm sure no matter how bad you believe it to be, it can be fixed. "Well Amu, I actually found a new tutor. I really like her. I've liked her for a while now. I'm sorry, I forgot to tell you. You understand, right?"
Who could say no to those eyes? To that wonderful smile? The smile that I wish I could put on your face. I watch your eyes quickly guide over to her and I see a light that outshines the stars. I can't get in the way of this. I can't allow my feelings to put out the reason for your light. "Of course I understand. It's fine really. Maybe we can hang out some other time."
"Thanks Amu. I knew you'd understand. I can always count on you." You send me a quick smile, which makes the shattered remains of my heart flutter, and take a step back toward the girl who isn't me. I can't watch you go. I can't see you be with her. I don't want to!
"Ah! I-Ikuto!" You turn your attention back to me and I swear that I could see the way to your heart when I looked in your eyes. I could see you beginning to fall in love with this girl. I could see how truly happy she makes you. I could see the warmth of her touch, her presence alone, was reaching places I could never travel to. No matter how hard I tried, I could never fix all the aspects of your soul. I believed that I would be the one to fix you. I could see, within those few seconds of staring into your eyes, that I was not meant to put your heart back together. And I can't be the one that rips you apart from the person who was. "She's beautiful."
A soft smile crawls it's way onto your face. Looking back at her, I barely hear you whisper, "Isn't she?"
And then, you're gone. Out of my reach, into the grasp of this godly woman. But you were probably never in my grasp, right? Even if you were there with my physically Ikuto, I never had you emotionally. I'll bet I never even had you mentally there. There was always someone else who had you.
My vision, the image of you and that girl, blurs with the tears my heart wants to pour out. I need to leave. I need to go home, so you don't see. I need to be alone with my heartache. Staying there, watching you, is the worse form of torture that I could ever put myself through.
...
I'm not sure when the tears stopped. Actually, I'm not entirely sure if they ever stopped. At times, I catch myself silently mourning the loss of a love that was never to have been born. And at times, I find that there are nights where I can not stop the tears, nor the sounds, that escape me.
I don't mean to cry so loudly. You know it's not in my character to worry people, but the pain of knowing that I am not the one you end up with, is unbearable.
I could've sworn Ikuto, that this was like the books and shows. I thought we would fall in love. I was actually beginning to believe I saw love in your eyes when you looked at me. That you were driven by love to visit me and tease me. That I was special, because you loved me. I obviously thought wrong, Ikuto.
I don't know if we had anything between us, but if we did, I know now that it was not love. That knowledge, tears away at my heart. The thoughts and realizations of such things eat away at my soul. I feel like I'm slowly dying.
Everyday, I fade away a little bit more. Everyday, there is less Amu, but I don't think anyone notices. Sometimes, even I forget about myself.
Is that normal? To forget yourself? I guess it doesn't make sense, but that's how I feel.
I'm being drowned in my sorrows and lost in the sea of my own heart break. I'm lost, Ikuto. And I don't think anyone can find me.
Chikane: I really love this story guys. I hope you do too! I tried really hard to capture the emotions and intensify them as much as I could, so I hope I did a good job of that. Anyway, please Review and check out my other story :) Much love and thanks!