A/N: I do NOT own PLL or the characters.
I write this knowing know one I know will read it and I don't care what strangers have to say. Call it my diary. My name is Emily Fields and I'm 17 years old. I live in Rosewood and go to Rosewood High. I have a mom that lives with me and a dad who is in the army. I also have three best friends called Aria, Spencer and Hanna. My girlfriends name is Paige. No one knows this but I'm suicidal. They don't notice, my friends and family, they think the fake smiles are real. I've been depressed for years and I've told my parents but they don't seem to care. I told them that I'm suicidal and that I want to kill myself but that I won't do anything because I don't want to go through the pain I'd have to go through to die. I search on the internet everyday of painless ways to die but can't find any. I hate any amount of pain. Just because I'm a coward and won't do it doesn't mean I don't feel like killing myself every second of every day. No one should feel this way. I'm numb to everyone around me and I haven't been happy in so long that I can't remember what it's like. My life is miserable and I want to end it. People think that suicide is the cowards way out, but I think that they're incredibly brave. When people notice that I'm down on the rare occasion that they do, they think it's because of my friend Alison's death or my girlfriend Maya's death but it's not. The only emotions I ever feel now is anger at the world and fear of pain and I also have a phobia of spiders. I'm also scared of getting a job of being an adult. My parents keep pressuring me to get a job but how can I live a 'normal' life when I just want to die? I cry myself to sleep at night sometimes and the only ones to notice are my dogs, Tara a westie and Ares a shih-tzu. I hug them and cry and they'll lick my tears and try to comfort me but it's not enough. Maybe I should just take a blade, slit my wrists and be done with it all. Then again I feel a pressure inside my head a lot and get headaches that last days and paracetemol doesn't work. I think it might be cancer, what else could it be? Fear is the only thing keeping me alive. Why can't I be brave?