From mummy with love

Disclaimer: I don't own it.

Warnings and over view: Depressing and character suicide. Not for the faint hearted! This is the first part of a two-part story. This part is a letter from Chi-Chi to the boys two years after the Cell Games. I aimed for it to have a disjointed and confused feel about it to show her emotions at the time and to show her confusion at what is going on with her life.

Please Review and comment and let me know if I should bother doing the second part or not. Second part will be slightly more cheerful. I promise!

Thank you to Ladylaide123 for her ideas on how to improve this little fanfiction. I have taken them into account and I have rewritten it based on these ideas. ;D

Enjoy!

All Gohan could hear was Goten crying, after half an hour he figured he would have to go and see to the issue. This was the first time in two years that he could bring himself to come out of his room so he was shaking as he stepped over the threshold into the rest of the house. He reasoned that there had to be a very good reason for Goten would cry like that. Goten never cried.

Seconds Gohan walked into the kitchen and found his little brother shaking and talking to something that was hidden behind the counter.

"Mamma? Mamma? Wake up mamma! Please mamma I love you!"

"Goten…?"

"Gogo! Mamma sleepy and won't wake up." He babbled, his eyes red and his face blotchy from too much crying.

At this Gohan stepped forward and took in the sight before him. "Mom! Oh God what have you done?" His lungs were burning with the effort to breathe and his eyes wouldn't blink. I'm not really seeing this! It is just another nightmare. It has to be! I'll wake up soon. Please let it be another nightmare.

His mother, the only person that he thought would never leave him was lying on the floor with a knife in one hand and an envelope in the other. Blood was pouring from a gash in her neck so that it formed wings around her cold blue form and for a second parodied her beautiful face as that of a angel gone to heaven rather than the house wife who for the last two years had been stuck in Hell.

Gohan pushed his little brother away and started to give his mother the kiss of life but every time he breathed for her more blood rushed from her neck. He pumped his hands onto her chest but her heart stayed dead. It's been dead for a long time. He couldn't wake her up; he couldn't make her live because he knew that she didn't want to live.

Not for her sons, not for anyone.

"Oh God… what did you do? What did you do?" With a scream he destroyed all the glass in the house and pulled his brother into one of his arms and held Goten to his heart for the first time since Goten was born. He then wrapped his mother into the other. He held them both tightly for a while and knew that he was to blame. Somehow he is always to blame. Mom! I should have listened to you! I should have been a good boy; then you wouldn't have left us. Then you wouldn't have left us!

He had always been taught to be strong and to never cry or show any fear but the last two years worth of sorrow and self-hatred caught up with him in those couple of seconds and he allowed his tears to run freely. This was the first time he had cried in two years. He cried for his mother and his father, he cried for the early loss of his childhood and he cried for his and Goten's future.

A few minutes later he had scooped up his little brother and had fled like a murderer leaving the crime scene. It's my fault you're gone mom. I'm sorry, I killed you're soul. I'm sorry I murdered you. Gohan stopped after what felt like a lifetime and found him-self in the middle of the forest. Rain was pelting down like a million tiny bullets, washing away the blood but it did nothing for the guilt. That stayed with him and decayed his soul and would do for the rest of his life. He felt tears pour from his eyes and he fell to his knees, defeated.

"Gogo, what's wrong?"

"Goten? Pl…please listen to me. Mummy's gone to a better place, she's with daddy." Gohan shut his eyes tight. How did he explain to his one-year-old brother that mummy was never going to wake up? That mummy is dead and that she didn't want to stay with her children who needed her. How do you go about saying all of this?

"When will mamma be back? She wake up soon Gogo? Mamma wake soon?" Goten said with a look of child like hope in his eyes. He could see the blood and feel how cold Chi-Chi's face was but his young mind couldn't except it. His mamma would never leave him… she had promised him that she would never leave him every day and mummy doesn't lie.

"She's not coming back. She left us behind to go to heaven. Oh God Goten; mummy is dead!" He shouted whist banging his fists on the forest floor before flying them both back. They needed to say goodbye and they needed to call some for some help.

As soon as they re-entered the house Goten started to scream and beg for his mamma to come back but all she did was stare up at him with blank eyes. "Mamma? Back? Please Mamma? Please?" She stayed unresponsive to her two sons pleas and tears until she was taken away.

Later Gohan was given the envelope that she had held so tightly in her hand that would explain how this had happened. He opened it and pulled out several sheets of paper with Chi-Chi's neat writing imprinted upon it and began to read the tear-stained letter. All he hoped was that he could understand why but he was certain that for Goten's sake he could never forgive her for abandoning them both so easily.

Dear Gohan and Goten;

I am writing this letter to explain why I had to do what I did. I'm sorry, I hope you will forgive me some day.

Gohan, when you were a baby I would rest you on my chest and me and your father would whisper that we love you. When you cried or hurt yourself I would kiss your head and stroke your hair to make you feel better and to take away the pain. That doesn't work any more, your pain is too great to even cry and I can't make it go away like I once did. I try so hard but now you wont even speak to me. You hate me for all my failings and I really don't blame you. I should have tried harder I know; but we're both dying with nothing to save us. Sorry that I have to do this but I can't carry on seeing my pain reflected so deeply in your beautiful black eyes any longer. Your pain is my pain and I need it to end.

The tears that had only just stopped minutes before had come back and were running down his face as he read his mothers last words. He whispered to the letter "I don't hate you. I never did." He carried on reading and he wished he could put the paper down; but for his sanity he needed to know why.

What brought me to this after all this time was the need to escape. Always the same routine, acting like nothings wrong. I guess I thought that if I acted normal and gave you the life I thought you needed you would heal. Always "do your homework" and "make more friends" and "act normal because we should be happy again by now." The perfect family. Ha!

I lied to all three of us and it only made it worse and I now know that you need to start again. Without me and my failings to hold you down.

He knew that she had her faults but many of the 'failings' were his. All she had tried to do was keep them together, regardless of how he was destroying there 'perfect family.' He killed his father by his sheer stupidity and in his mind he deserved the blame.

It has been two years since your father died and as usual I spend my time standing at the sink drying dishes and allowing my thoughts to wonder over what you have been through. I always seem to think the same thing, 'its not what the monsters do to the planet that really hurts. It's their ability to destroy all of our families that counts.' I know that I am probably wrong but I have seen what they can do with my own eyes. You boys are my world and the monster destroyed you. No I destroyed you. I can't blame Cell anymore. I admit defeat.

"No! You never admit defeat! Please! Somehow you won almost every augment against the strongest man in the universe. How can you possibly admit defeat?" Gohan yelled into the letter as if screaming it would somehow bring his mother back to her senses and back to life.

It was a letter wrote by Son Chi-Chi for Christ sake; if he answered her back she would scold him. Surely she wouldn't let him have the last say. No way would she let her son yell at her. He knew that desperation was starting to gain on him and so he carried on reading. Wanting it over with.

I know that it was I that destroyed you but blame is easier when it doesn't fall on your own shoulders. Hating him kept me going out of spite. Please forgive me. I should have protected you better and I know that I failed you both as a mother. Just remember that come what may your mummy loves you both very much.

I should have told you both that I loved you every second of everyday instead of whispering it to you when you sleep; using my hugs to chase away the nightmares if they should ever make you scared, using my kisses to tell you that it would all be okay. Using my voice to yell at you. Keep you both safe from the living nightmares and your father's recklessness. My recklessness. It didn't work.

Some call me over protective and a possessive bitch but all I could visualize is you dying or being hurt but at least that would have been easily solved. I could have fixed that and wished for my babies to come back. But I will know one thing before I die. I was wrong; it's the emotional pain that eventually really hurt you. I see that now and I can't fix it. I just did what I thought was right. It just turns out that as usual I was wrong.

Gohan, you killed Cell; they say he will never come back now. Oh goodie for the Earth at large but what about my world. Did anyone ever think of that? No. They never did. I'm selfish I know but so is the world. It relied on you; a boy of 11 years to do what a large group of men couldn't. You nearly died and if I had known what surviving would do to you I would have welcomed it instead of this existence that passes as life. You should have died then rather than us both slowly dieing now. I choose to hasten my death and free you from seeing my face every day and my disappointment that you had lived, just to exist in physiological torture. You should have died and ended it then.

"I lived for you! I gave up my happiness so others could be happy. Is that not what a good person does? I wished everyday that I had died and that I was just dreaming you were in Hell. Mum! Please! You were never a disappointment; you did what you thought you had to keep me safe from the monsters. I just couldn't save myself from the horror. You tried to save me but I wouldn't listen. I never listened." He sobbed, "I should have listened then you would still be alive now."

My son the hero and my husband the brave martyr; how proud I must be. Yes, I am proud of all of you but sometimes pride isn't enough. Good men they say, I say a good husband and two very good sons. One is dead and the other… Gohan you are emotionally damaged. Broken! I know you may never get better but for your brother's sake please try.

Satan took credit for all that you did but I thank him for that. Leaving us in peace to grieve, we all need time but two years have passed and your brother is now starting to walk. He calls for you to play but you never answer; remember you only have each other now so please for his sake get better. He calls for you to help him and he will do that for the rest of his life. You are his saviour and his safe keeper in this world, he loves you, his Gogo, my Gohan and your fathers little warrior, how you've grown and made us proud. I hope you continue to make us proud, get better and keep my baby safe, as I never could for you.

Gohan shook his head in shock at those words. How could they claim to be proud of him and Goten was better off without him. He knew however that he could not just disregard his mother's last wishes.

Goten my beautiful baby, how you remind me of your father even now at one year old. You are care free and happy and you came just as we needed you. Thank you, you saved us and chased away some of the shadows that have been following me. I let myself believe that you being born had fixed everything. I was wrong.

I spend my time between you both now. Goten; you need me to tell you its okay. You need me to tell you that we love you and that your daddy is in a better place and that I will never leave. Sorry that I lied.

"You both lied. You said you would both be here for us forever. Dad you never knew me because you were never here and mum you said you were a strong woman. Are you still strong now that you've given up?"

Gohan my son; you needed my patience and me begging you. Surely you know that when I plead with you to 'eat a little rice,' 'drink a little water' or even 'to fight a few matches' that I just want to help you get better. I just want you to come out of your room and heal.

"Please Gohan!" I begged everyday, "If you don't eat or drink you will die. I can't lose you too. I've already lost your father." Each time you just gave me a half smile as cold and dead as your eyes are now and told me that 'I can live for the baby and that you'll be okay.' You even told me that 'you don't need me any more and that you blamed me.' I should have let you train with your father but I just wanted the best for you. I'm your mother and all I wanted was for you to be happy and to have a good education.

Was that so wrong?

I am sorry that I was such a disappointment as a mother and I hope that you will one day forgive your father and I for never being there for you, as we should have been.

I will love you both forever and I hope that you both live happy and fulfilling lives. Gohan, when Goten is old enough please explain to him why I did what I did.

Good-bye to my two dear sons.

From mummy with love.

Gohan scrunched up the letter angrily. To him the reasons were not good enough to justify the pain that he felt in his heart, he felt loss and betrayal and the need to not make the same mistakes his parents made. He would be there for Goten, like his father was never there for him and he would live his live as fully as possible. After all he thought dryly, 'peoples lasts requests have to be taken into account at all times."

Thanks for reading everyone! I will have chapter 2 up within the next week.

Please subscribe and Review and have a nice week