My skin burned underneath the sweltering penetration of the sun.
Days like this always had me wandering.
Every single one of us had been gathered in the Boarding House. According to Caroline; a hot day like this should not be wasted. She was determined and stubborn as always, and managed to force us all into bringing food and lay around in the backyard of the Salvatore residence.
Bonnie, Jeremy, Matt and I were sitting in a circle with an uncomfortable silence vibrating around us.
Did Caroline really expect us all to sit through this endless awkward circle for hours?
Bonnie hadn't accepted me being a vampire.
I was struggling not to sink my teeth into both Jeremy and Matt's necks.
Jeremy was struggling and most probably restraining his body from sticking a stake through my heart.
Matt was forcing words out of his mouth to try and deflate the giant neon elephant that had taken place in the middle of our little circle.
Caroline and Stefan were muttering words to one another in the kitchen with the tap flowing, fooling themselves into believeing I couldn't hear every single word. He doesn't want to be around me, not anymore. Not after I woke up as a vampire. Yeah, he's trying but I think he's starting to lose hope in fixing me. Sometimes I think he's even losing hope fixing us. To be honest, sometimes I am too. Caroline is begging him to join us: to have fun and to keep fighting for me. A second later all I hear is silence from their destination. It becomes clear who won the arguement when I hear two sets of footsteps making their way towards us. Caroline bounces in and drives us all into a mundane conversation about graduation. I sigh and slump my forehead onto my bent up knees.
Damon, however, decided not to join the fun. Instead of begging him to join, Caroline hadn't mentioned his name in the fear that it would make Stefan run into the woods.
It took another 13 minutes before I had had enough of the sun tingling my skin, of the mindless and struggling conversation. Ignoring the confused glances, I jumped from my position on the grass and walked inside the library. As I was brushing my fingertips across the spine of the books I suddenly noticed another presence in the room that I hadn't before.
"Hi," I whisper as I let my eyes land on his body. As usual, wearing all black as he sits in the chair that I sat after finding out the truth about the Ripper, with the ever present glass of bourbon in his hand. The tingles on my skin that the sun left hadn't disappeared. They were growing, becoming stronger. I ran my fingers along the length of my arm, rubbed the back of my neck. Like I said, days like this always had me wandering.
"Hi," Damon voiced back, deciding not to look my way as he took another sip from his glass. "You don't want to sit around and gossip with the rest of them?" He spoke, even with the sense of gentleness in his voice it wasn't difficult to notice the strain of irritation that lurked underneath.
"Something like that." I mumbled, we kept our voices low and I couldn't help but notice that he still hadn't taken a glance in my direction. I felt the heat of the sun come through one of the windows. I couldn't stop myself when I walked closer. Now I could feel his gaze burning on my back. That's all I wanted at that moment: to burn. Hearing Damon stand up shook me out of thoughts. I hated these days, where the sun was so strong all I could think about was throwing my ring to the other side of the room and let the fire take control of my body. It was all I wanted sometimes. But then a noise or a movement would bring me back.
Not completely, never completely.
Instead the idea would linger in the back of my mind until the next moment where a ray of sun would so prominently land itself on my skin. I hadn't noticed the tear that had escaped my eye until Damon's face was in my view and he was tenderly swiping it away and his worried expression was all I could see.
"Hey," He whispered and he placed his hand on my arm, hoping to retrieve me from my thoughts. "What's wrong?"
"What's wrong?" I repeated, my voice suddenly finding it's volume. Damn vampire heightened emotions! Going from irritated to sad to livid in a matter of minutes, well sometimes even seconds. "What's wrong is that I can't be in the same room as my brother without wanting to feast on his neck! What's wrong is-" I spat out furiously before Damon interrupted me by talking and laying a gentle hand on my shoulder, bringing me back to reality.
"Hey, hey. Don't forget to breathe." He joked, doing that annoying eye thing of his but his worried expression hadn't disappeared. Suddenly, he had swiftly arrived by the entryway and silently nodded for me to follow him. With my interest peaked, the need to get away and the insistent strong pull that radiated between us, I did and not thirty seconds later we were in his camaro driving away. He didn't ask anything, didn't say anything, didn't make any assumptions. He kept quiet, understanding that I needed that.
The radio was playing, too high. The fight between controlling my emotions and breaking the damn thing was becoming harder. I shifted in my position.
Don't forget to breathe.
Damon's word repeated themselves as a mantra inside my head and I'm not sure if it was the words or the velvet voice that managed to keep my emotions intact but whatever it was, it was down to Damon and I could never thank him enough at times like these where I could think about his words and let myself have a moment to breathe, to let go.
I started absentmindedly playing with my daylight ring. I had been doing that more frequently, I had noticed. I had also noticed that it became increasingly harder not to take the damn thing off.
Bonnie.
Matt.
Caroline.
Stefan.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Damon.
Jeremy.
They were the people keeping me alive, knowing that I had them still with me. Knowing I had to survive, for them.
I begged my mind to run away from those thought. God, I begged.
Blood was flowing from the palm of my hands. My nails had pierced my skin.
I didn't even notice.
Taking a look at Damon made me realize how my actions had truly been.
I hadn't just been absentmindedly playing with my ring.
I hadn't just pierced my skin.
I had broken my own finger.
I had peeled my own skin.
It only took a second for it all to heal but I couldn't tear my eyes away.
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six...
I couldn't even hold ten seconds before I started sobbing.
When did I start to exist in a world where I could barely recognize myself?
Damon's hand fell from the steering wheel and took my previously bleeding hand in his.
"Elena, what's wrong?"
"I don't know." I blurted and immediately started to shake my head at my own pathetic answer. I never knew, did I? That had been my answer for so long. I never knew anything. Making the decision to try again and take a deep breath I managed to subdue my sobbing and find my voice, "All it takes is seeing a flame, the ray of sunshine, feeling the warmth of it for the emotions, the urge to crash into my body. It consumes me. All I want to do is take this damn thing off of my finger and let myself burn." The tears started to flow again but Damon was about to interrupt so I had to keep going, "But then I hear or see something and I'm back, I'm back here. I have to force myself to think about everyone. About Caroline and Stefan, Bonnie, Matt, Jeremy, you. I have to think about all of you constantly, or I have to call you to hear a voice or something just to know that all of you are still here and that I have something to live for."
"That explains all the phone calls." He joked, rising the frustration within me but before I decided to hit him he went on, "Elena, you never need to doubt that fact that we are all here for you, do you understand that?" I nodded. "But you're not just a vampire, Elena. You're more than that. You are so much more than that. I've never seen you like this, when you let go Elena, I've never seen you or anyone else for that matter, so alive."
He always knew the right thing to say, or maybe he was just always honest because let's face it, sometimes I didn't really appreciate the words that would flow from his mouth.
The tears had stop, thankfully. I squeezed his hand, letting him know that I was there with him.
"Thank you, Damon. Sometimes I really don't know what I'd do or where I'd be if you weren't here. I really do appreciate everything you've done for me Damon, thank you." Taking another deep yet unnecessary breath, "I really don't tell you that enough, do I?"
"You don't have to, Elena."
"Let's go somewhere. Just for a few hours. Like Atlanta," Feeling a little better, I tried a smile and even managed to find amusement within my own words, "without the whole kidnapping and saving your life thing."
He looked at me unsure before a smile cracked on his face and the car was suddenly flying down the road, trying to find the nearest bar that didn't include prying eyes of every Mystic Falls resident who had heard about the Gilbert girl in love with both Salvatore's.
We found ourselves sitting in a secluded booth at a random bar outside of Mystic Falls. Anywhere, really. I found strength radiating from Damon's eyes, his fingers wrapped around mine and I somehow managed to be honest. There's always been something about him that I've never been able to explain but he has this power in him that manages to make words tumble out from within me.
With my voice stable, I opened up. "I never wanted to become a vampire. Yeah, the thought of turning was on my mind considering... everything. But I always hoped that I would be able to escape it somehow. I just hoped that it would never happen to me. It hurts, I was ready and prepared to die. I've been ready since Katherine came into town! I thought I was dying and then I woke up. I woke up and I didn't want to and now here I am, wanting to feed, even kill, from most of the people. Even my own brother." I confessed after letting another shot of vodka flow down my throat leaving a burn. I couldn't bear to look at Damon, I knew he didn't want to hear these words from me and that they were probably hurting him as much as they were hurting me. But it had to be said, those words were the honest truth.
"Elena," Damon sighed exasperatedly,
"Please, Damon. Don't. I know I suck and you probably want scream at me right now but it's the truth. I suck at being a vampire." I chuckled before another somber sigh escaped followed by more liquid dancing it's way down my throat, "Stefan and Caroline don't like me anymore, I can feel them distancing themselves away from me, clinging on to the human me." The tears started to flow, "But you, Damon. You're here. I need to thank you because without you, I wouldn't... I wouldn't...You make it all seem better, Damon. You bring fun into it all, the fun of being a vampire and you bring out the energy in me that I used to have."
Silence fell upon us for a few moments, I wasn't sure what else I could say and Damon who always had something to say had decided to keep quiet. In that moment, I didn't know how Damon was going to react.
I jumped. Blood.
There's blood somewhere.
I could smell it.
God, I could smell it.
My mind got buried in the thought of clamping my teeth in someone's neck, biting hard and ruthlessly, letting the euphoric taste of warm, red, fresh blood flow down my throat.
I needed it.
My body reacted. My legs were carrying my body upwards, fingers tingling at the thrill of finally having fresh, human blood, my mouth watering. My fangs sprung down with life, aching to tear through the layers of skin and allow the blood to flow into my waiting and willing mouth. The veins around my eyes had lit across my face, showing just how hungry I was and the predator within.
With a step forward, I flew back into my chair. Damon. His fingers had tightened around mine and he had a hundred and fifty six years of strength against me. I couldn't help it, the predator within me had clawed her way out and growled at Damon for daring to rip my opportunity to get blood away from me.
My red clouded vision could make out his lips moving but the words weren't reaching my ears, I couldn't make them out. All I could see was red. Blood.
His grip tightened, he moved his body from the chair and was now crouching in front of me.
"Elena," He whispered roughly, slowly, "Listen to me. You are a vampire. But that means you are also a human. You can stop yourself, okay? You can. You, Elena freaking Gilbert; are strong enough to resist."
Our eyes found each other and I squeezed his hand, the tension eased off his shoulders and the vampire inside of me noticed how he had slightly slacked his grip. Not completely, but just enough for my hand to rip away and for my body to get far enough to escape from his safety. I had two occupied tables between us, meaning that we couldn't really cause a scene.
Using my vampire ability, my body naturally flowed to where the blood was. The men's bathroom. Of course. Damon was a step behind me, letting me take control and see how well I could handle this. I barely noticed the man himself, all I could see was his palm under the tap letting blood escape down the drain. No, no, no, no, no! I flew at him, used my body to trap him between me and the wall that he had his back to. He resisted. He fought back, tried to push me away from him which made the predator within rage in anger. Without mercy, without tact, my fangs punched into his delicious skin and released the euphoric, flaming blood to dance down my neck and into my veins.
Damon's voice slowed my feeding, he was telling me stop. I could sense him coming closer. No, this was my body and my blood and he wasn't going to let it go to waste. I wouldn't let him. I felt the warmth of his skin on my shoulder, tugging me away and I used my foot to kick his knees with enough strength to force his body crashing into a cubicle.
Mine.
Once the body was weak enough and incapable of fighting back, I let my fangs retract from his neck. I half turned my body towards Damon and pressed the rest against my feed. I growled, "Stop, Damon. I'm hungry."
"Fine." My eyebrows shot up, "I won't make you stop if you promise yourself that you won't kill him." Once I looked into his fierce blue eyes, I couldn't stop myself from nodding and promising myself.
I will not kill him.
My fangs ached, the blood running through my veins were bouncing and bringing my body to life and begging for more.
Don't forget to breathe. Don't forget to breathe. Don't forget to breathe.
Don't forget to breathe. Don't forget to breathe. Don't forget to breathe.
The turmoil racked inside my brain and felt my body starting to shake.
God, I hated this.
Damon's concerned eyes poured into mine and his eyebrows furrowed noticing the war that was raging inside of me. Slowly, carefully, gently he came to my side and took my hand in his.
"Don't forget to breathe, Elena." He reminded me, his tone matching his gentle movements.
Something passed between us that I don't think I'll ever be able to explain but an understanding laced through both of our minds and together, with our hands intertwined and eyes locked piercing into one another, we turned towards the body I was still holding up who was luckily, still very much alive. In unison, we both sank our fangs gently into both sides of his neck and fed. Together.
Suddenly, it wasn't about hunger or winning or the blood. It was about control, it was about the euphoric bliss that passed through our bodies uniting Damon and I together.
We were slow, gentle, enjoying and savouring each millimeter of blood, each millisecond and each emotion that flowed through us. A groan escaped Damon's throat and his grip on my hand tightened.
We stopped and relief washed over my entire being when I heard the sound of a heart still beating.
Without taking his eyes away from me, Damon pierced his fangs into his other wrist and placed onto the lips of the human until he was healed. As he was coming back into consciousness, Damon nodded his head towards the body and took a step away from me.
He wanted me to compel him.
So, I did.
Feeling the force and the power behind me eyes, I pushed it through a pair of brown glazed eyes and confidently forcing, "You will not remember this. The pain, confusion and fear you felt is gone. You were bleeding, you came in here and cleaned yourself up."
Damon laced his fingers through mine again and we sped out before the man could see us.
A proud smile graced Damon's lips as we sat back in the Camaro driving around in the night, neither of us wanting to back to Mystic Falls for the time being.
Being a vampire is like being on rollercoaster. I woke up with thoughts of death and in a matter of couple of hours, Damon manages to change that. By the night, I had never felt such happiness, bliss and pride before. Knowing that I was capable of pushing the killer inside of me back and not only control myself during a feed but also enjoy it felt nearly as euphoric as the experience itself.
We drove around for a while in a complete serene silence.
Our hands were still intertwined and the smiles never fading from our lips.
I gave his hand a slight squeeze and turned my head towards his, giving him a smile of appreciation and full of thanks.
Don't forget to breathe.