How do I do this? It means so much to me… he means so much to me. How do I make him understand what this means? After all that has happened I only want what they had. I want to have something like they had years ago, before Nina… before Kate.
I remember when they were together and he couldn't take his eyes off her; they would just sit in the garden together or he'd try to cook while she guided him through the simplest recipe without letting him know he was a hopeless chef. The way they just worked as one amazed me, and I remember from when I was just a little girl that, that was what I wanted more than anything. I want that belonging to someone, without ever being a possession… I found that. Now how do I make Dad understand that he can't hide me away forever? I'm not his little girl anymore.
Telling him that would break his heart. I know I'm all he lives for, I know that it's just me that makes him get up every morning and it's been that way for so long. I never liked Kate. I never liked the way they just fell in with one another. I tried to get on with her, for his sake… eventually I tried just so that he would have something else. I know it's selfish but sometimes the burden just got too much for me.
None of my relationships worked out… he put a stop to every one of them and I forgave him for taking my happiness. I'd forgive him almost everything, because now I know how hard it is being Jack Bauer. I've seen first hand what he goes through.
There comes a time, however, when I can't just let him go on doing it and claiming it's for me. Did he go away for two years for my sake? No he left because things were too hard and I get that… I really do. God knows it was hard for me too. But while he was away someone else was there for me. Someone else took care of me and wiped away the tears and he is a good man. Someone even Dad would trust; someone he does trust… with his life.
Still he won't be happy, he won't like it when I tell him how serious it all got while he was busy with other things. If I tell him that he'll feel worse. I can't live my life for him… I can't keep living a miserable life just so that he doesn't feel left out. He chooses to keep a distance from people. He thinks it's just better that way… not for me.
Loneliness isn't better for me and if he would just get off his guilt trip maybe he'd realise its no good for him either. He didn't kill her… he didn't put me in danger. He just did his job and some vengeful lowlife thought he could use us all for his own ends. I don't blame him and no matter how many times I say it, he never listens. I just want to say,
"Dad, you want to keep me safe and be there for me but you never hear me. You never listen to what I say and take it to your heart, where it belongs. I love you Dad but I'm a woman now and you can't hold my hand anymore."
I want his blessing… I know I'm kidding myself. I'm his world and I'm asking him to hand me over to someone else.
How do I tell him I love Chase? How can I make him remember what that means without tearing him apart?
Why is nothing in my life simple? It's like someone is deliberately putting me in situations that don't even happen in the movies. If they do happen then they don't show this… they don't show the tears and the turmoil… they don't show you trying to stop your own father blowing his brains out on the kitchen table… they don't show the fact that a teenager has all the pressure of that on her shoulders and… I never complained.
I love my Dad. I love Chase… but nothing is ever that easy.
I remember when they were together and he couldn't take his eyes off her; they would just sit in the garden together or he'd try to cook while she guided him through the simplest recipe without letting him know he was a hopeless chef. The way they just worked as one amazed me, and I remember from when I was just a little girl that, that was what I wanted more than anything. I want that belonging to someone, without ever being a possession… I found that. Now how do I make Dad understand that he can't hide me away forever? I'm not his little girl anymore.
Telling him that would break his heart. I know I'm all he lives for, I know that it's just me that makes him get up every morning and it's been that way for so long. I never liked Kate. I never liked the way they just fell in with one another. I tried to get on with her, for his sake… eventually I tried just so that he would have something else. I know it's selfish but sometimes the burden just got too much for me.
None of my relationships worked out… he put a stop to every one of them and I forgave him for taking my happiness. I'd forgive him almost everything, because now I know how hard it is being Jack Bauer. I've seen first hand what he goes through.
There comes a time, however, when I can't just let him go on doing it and claiming it's for me. Did he go away for two years for my sake? No he left because things were too hard and I get that… I really do. God knows it was hard for me too. But while he was away someone else was there for me. Someone else took care of me and wiped away the tears and he is a good man. Someone even Dad would trust; someone he does trust… with his life.
Still he won't be happy, he won't like it when I tell him how serious it all got while he was busy with other things. If I tell him that he'll feel worse. I can't live my life for him… I can't keep living a miserable life just so that he doesn't feel left out. He chooses to keep a distance from people. He thinks it's just better that way… not for me.
Loneliness isn't better for me and if he would just get off his guilt trip maybe he'd realise its no good for him either. He didn't kill her… he didn't put me in danger. He just did his job and some vengeful lowlife thought he could use us all for his own ends. I don't blame him and no matter how many times I say it, he never listens. I just want to say,
"Dad, you want to keep me safe and be there for me but you never hear me. You never listen to what I say and take it to your heart, where it belongs. I love you Dad but I'm a woman now and you can't hold my hand anymore."
I want his blessing… I know I'm kidding myself. I'm his world and I'm asking him to hand me over to someone else.
How do I tell him I love Chase? How can I make him remember what that means without tearing him apart?
Why is nothing in my life simple? It's like someone is deliberately putting me in situations that don't even happen in the movies. If they do happen then they don't show this… they don't show the tears and the turmoil… they don't show you trying to stop your own father blowing his brains out on the kitchen table… they don't show the fact that a teenager has all the pressure of that on her shoulders and… I never complained.
I love my Dad. I love Chase… but nothing is ever that easy.