A/N : if people like and comment and ask me to keep it going and get a response from craig (in letter form or a meeting) i might :D this is something that i wrote because my feelings in my life are just like Ellie's. so i hope you like it!

Dear Love,

Hey. I don't know how to start this. And I'm usually good with words. It's just... hard to tell someone that you love them. That you've fallen and hit your head and youre dizzy all the time and you cant stop thinking about them... I'm rambling. I can't help it. You do these things to me. I know you'll never read this. I know this because I'll never give it to you. I'll never give it to you because i love you.

See, love. You love someone else. You're heart belongs to them, while mine belongs to you. She took your heart, and I'm alone. But i cant help but think this is right; this waiting thing. But then i cant help but feel like that is complete desperation and its sad. But i cant help it. I cant help but wait for you, even if that takes away all my pride. Because why shouldnt i fight? Fight for that feeling I know is right... fight for what i think God keeps telling me is the right path. But why would God steer me in the wrong direction? Why would this God that you rave about and tell me to talk to... lead me towards destruction? Destruction of our friendship and trust... or the destruction of your relationship with her.

I know I should give up. That you belong to her, and you'll never want all the love i have for you. But here I am, holding my heart out for you to beat to the ground, just like last time. I should be over you after all these games you've played. I should want something different. But I dont. I only want you. I only want the happiness you bring me.

For years, i never thought i could be happy. I never thought it was in the cards for me after all i lost. then you came along. You and your smile... and your warm hands... tight embraces... you turned me into such a cliche writing, poem spitting teenage girl, there should be a stupid vampire movie about it. But you came along... and... I thought you loved me. i thought you felt all that i did. The feeling of saftey when you held my hand. The feeling of trust and faith and happiness. I thought you saw the way i looked at you. Like you were my god sent. Because you are. Youre the one thing that just... always makes me happy. Even when you're breaking my heart, you still get a genuine laugh from me.

It's not fair. How someone so conniving can have you. Someone that's tried to get rid of me. Someone that's done that before. But i can't blame her. It's my fault. She sees the way i look at you, and i think she sees the way you look at me sometimes too. And she wonders about it just like I do. She overanalyzes it because we're best friends and that threatens her. She sees what I see. That theres something there, love. Something that will never go away. Something special... just waiting to come out. You deny it... you dont want it to be there. You dont want me.

She's your saftey blanket. Something that's secure... something you've always had. And something better came along and that scared you. You didn't want to doubt what you thought you knew. You didn't want change. I understand your decision. I always have. But that doesnt change the fact that i love you. And i want you. And it takes all my strength not to just go for it... to protect you from me.

Im unstable... I trip and get bruises and my skin isnt clear. My feet are big, my teeth are small. i have scars, both phyisical and emotional. I go crazy and i get mad. I have problems. But no one... no one will ever love you like I do. Even with my trust problems, and my fears of being alone... I still give it my all for you, because you're the one thing in the world ive ever been sure of. Sure that you'll never want me... but sure that you'll always be there anyway. Because you're my best friend.

And it sucks to be in love with you. Because you have me on strings. I'll do anything you want, whenever you ask. I'm a puppy dog on a leash. Do you see now? Do you see why ive been avoiding you and being distant? It's because i love you. It's because i cant tell you. It's because everytime i hug you goodbye, it takes all of my strength not to pull back and just kiss you... something ive longed to do for a long time. That's why. But you'll never see it yourself. And I'll be sitting here in the dark, waiting for you to see it and come running in like in the movies and kiss me and tell me you were stupid for not realizing it before and you'll never make that mistake again.

But that's just a fantasy. You dont love me like that... whether ive deluded myself to believe it or not. Besides, even if you did... you lvoe her too. And i'd never make you choose again. I'd make you choose her. Because i dont deserve someone like you. Perfect. Smiling. Patient... And whether i hate her or not for having you, at least she'll be able to make you happy... no drama or tears... while those are all i am. she's lucky to have you, and i hope she knows it. because she has something i'd do anything for. Someone more deserving of happiness and love than anyone i've ever met.

just remember me, okay? The best friend hopelessly in love with you. I'll always be here on the sidelines, waiting for you to notice my longing stares. I know you, inside and out. You're my best friend. but you'll always be more than that to me.

Maybe one day I'll be more to you than that... but i dont hope. because i know you'll marry her, and ill be there as your best man and help you find a tux and have to be okay with you marrying someone that i hate. But i'll support it because you'll be happy. That's all i want. Even if i cry myself to sleep every night, all i want is your happiness. I just wish i could make you happy like that.

I wish i had the courage to have you read this. To just hand it to you and walk away. It would explain everything. The games that werent games to me, but i think they were to you. the reasons im scared. the reason i cant look at you sometimes. the reason those brown eyes make it impossible to ever be mad at you. How all i want is you, and i sometimes think im supposed to go for it... how sometimes i think that's what God is trying to tell me. But all I am is a masochist. i inflict pain upon my self by being best friends with you when i know you'll never love me like i love you. I used to cut for that. Make blood poor down my legs. but now, all i need is you. It's painful to love you. You make me feel real by slowly killing me.

But if there's even a bit of a chance for you to love me back, ill suffer. I'll wait as long as i can. Because somewhere deep inside me... something tells me that youre worth it.

So, love, now you know. Now you know everything. What ive kept from you, and wish I could actually say.

But the gist of it all: I'm in love with you and always will be, whether or not its useless.

And it is.

Love,

Just Me.

A/N : comment! this was really personal too, so i hope you like the words i imagined as i wrote like i think ellie would.