SONG USED: Famous Last Words
ARTIST: My Chemical Romance
ALBUM: The Black Parade
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Bleach or My Chemical Romance (even though I want to).
She was gone. It had been, what, three months since it had happened? Everyday, he tried to convince himself that a real man wouldn't linger on the death of a loved one, ceasing all normal activities just to feel remorseful. And yet, every day, Renji found himself in the same run-down, near empty Rukongai bar, downing cup after cup of sake. It really didn't have to be sake, actually. As long as it had alcohol, he would grab it and let the warm liquid flow down his throat, allowing a wave of dizziness to take over his body before the numbing feeling came.
Now I know
That I can't make you stay
But where's your heart
But where's your heart
But where's your...
It scared him, every morning when he looked at himself in the mirror, attempting to nurse a massive hangover. His once vivid, spirit filled crimson eyes had become dulled and empty, all youth lost in the now dark red abyss of pain. Blood-shot, sunken eyes that never made contact with anyone else's. Renji's body had wasted away. Not from the outside in, with him being able to keep his lean frame after the many weeks of throwing himself into a drunken wasteland, but from the inside out. He was nothing but a shadow of his former self, an empty shell that once held an unimaginable amount of fire and passion.
And I know
There's nothing I can say
To change that part
To change that part
To change…
So many people had tried to tell him that he would be okay, that he was just going through a time of mourning like a normal person would. But he wasn't a normal person anymore. He didn't really know what he was, anymore. He was no longer Renji Abarai, maverick, hot-headed lieutenant of the infamous sixth company, but nothing more than a ghost. A ghost who had lost the only person he had ever truly loved. He used to be able to enjoy every day, every breath he took. Now, he cursed himself for being able to do so.
He's convinced himself that a real man wouldn't cease all activities just to wallow in self-pity. But he's also convinced himself that he is no longer a real man. He had lost the right to wear that title long ago.
So many
Bright lights that cast a shadow
But can I speak?
Well is it hard understanding
I'm incomplete
A life that's so demanding
I get so weak
A love that's so demanding
I can't speak
What surprised him the most was how Ichigo had taken the whole ordeal. At Rukia's funeral, he had not shed a single tear, when Renji had cried for almost the whole service. He had carried on with his life, performing his shinigami duties with his head held high, while Renji drank himself into darkness every day. One may call Ichigo heartless, not caring that a friend and comrade was lost on the field of battle, but Renji called him a real man. Because Ichigo wasn't sitting a bar every day, destroying himself with bottle after bottle of alcohol.
I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay
You'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home
Another surprising occurrence since Rukia's death began about a month ago. Every day, Ichigo, quiet and content, would follow Renji into the Rukongai bar. He never drank, he rarely spoke, but just sat and watched his companion with an empty expression. That was a lie, really, his expression was not always empty. At times he looked like he wanted to say something, but was battling with himself on whether or not to say it. When asked why he would spend day after day in a bar with Renji, Ichigo would reply that it was for the purpose of keeping him from doing something stupid. By stupid, he implied Renji throwing himself into a drunken suicide.
Can you see
My eyes are shining bright
Cause I'm out here
On the other side
Of a jet black
Hotel mirror
And I'm so weak
is it hard understanding
I'm incomplete
A love that's so demanding
I get weak
Renji had thought about suicide many times in the past three months, but never had the heart to carry it out. He had convinced himself that he had no right to live, that if Rukia had died before he had, then there was something screwed up with the world. If he couldn't do a simple task like protecting a wounded friend, then he had no right to continue with his life. God knows he tried to save her, he had tried so hard to. But it just hadn't been enough. He wasn't enough to save her, and he didn't deserve to live.
"Don't you think you've had enough?" Ichigo leaned forward on the bar stool, looking at Renji.
"No." Came the simple reply. Renji turned his head to the opposite side of the room. He probably should stop, but he couldn't anymore. He couldn't deny himself the one pain reliever that kept the raw edges of the gaping hole in his chest from burning.
I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay
You'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home
Ichigo sighed and taped his fingers on the smooth bar table before attempting again to get through to his friend. "Renji, what good is this doing you? You've been here for the past three months, just drinking your life away."
"I jus' don't want to feel the pain anymore." Renji looked straight ahead, his watery eyes studying the collection of multi-colored bottles on the back shelf. He turned his head, his empty crimson eyes making contact with Ichigo's brown ones for the first time in months. "It jus' really hurts, ya know? I don' like feelin' this way. It's my fault she died."
"You really think so?" Ichigo blinked as his comrade solemnly nodded. He reached out and placed a comforting hand on Renji's shoulder. "It's not your fault. It couldn't have been helped, the wounds were too deep for-"
"It's my fault, dammit!" Renji banded his closed fist on the table, the empty glasses shaking briefly. He clenched his fist tight, his knuckles turning white. "You weren't there, Ichigo! She didn't die in your arms. Her last words to you weren't 'I love you, Renji.' You don't understand what that's like." He stumbled back from the seat as something hard made contact with his face.
These bright lights have always blinded me I see you lying next to me
These bright lights have always blinded me
I say...
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead
Ichigo stood, shaking with anger. His once soft, brown eyes had become hardened and contorted with rage. His chest was heaving, his breathing becoming heavy. He pointed an accusing finger at Renji, and spoke, his voice thick with venom and malice. "Don't you ever say that I don't know what it's like. You seem to forget, Abarai, that my mother died in my arms. I've had to live with that scar for much longer than three months, so don't give me your sob story on how nobody understands what you're going through, because I understand it perfectly."
Cause I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead
Renji reached a shaky hand up to his face and touched the tender spot where Ichigo had hit him. "I-I…don't…I'm…sorry." He whimpered, his eyes quickly watering.
"You've gotta stop doing this to yourself, Renji." Ichigo grabbed his shoulders and forced Renji to look into his eyes. They held so much pain that had been bottled up for so long. "What would she say if she were here? Would she want to see you doing this, killing yourself because of her?"
At first, Renji didn't respond. "I…I…just feel so helpless." He was beginning to become choked up with tears, his voice shaking. "I couldn't save her. It hurt so bad. I…I-"
"You loved her." Ichigo finished the sentence, his eyes turning soft. "I know exactly where you're coming from. I know very well what it feels like to loose someone close to you. But you've gotta trust me on this. You don't want to live like this. Please, for yours and Rukia's sake, stop."
I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay
You'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home