"More Than A Carton of Cigarettes"
A/N: Answer to my own B-day challenge! Enjoy!
Summary: All John Bender wants for his 18th birthday is a little peace and quiet. But with four new friends…he's DEFINITLEY going to get more than he bargained for!
Bender looked with a disgusted sneer at the calendar on the wall of his basement room. It was June 8th. One day before his birthday. He buried his head into his pillow and slammed his eyelids shut to await the noise that woke him every morning: his father's feet pounding on the ceiling above him, yelling at him to get up. Lately, people had begun snooping around the house, keeping an eye on Jack Bender, because someone had gotten wind of the fact that Jack wasn't exactly father of the year material. Especially their next door neighbors, whom John called the "The Twin Terrors." Ethel and Agnes Edwards was older than the crusty layer of ashes at the bottom of Jack's ashtray, and they didn't do anything without the other. As a younger boy, Bender would actually go over to their house willingly, because they'd always be there with cookies and soda. But as he grew, Bender lost his sweet tooth, and Ethel and Agnes seemed to be getting less and less motherly and more and more annoying every time he grew a chest hair.
"BOY! YOU UP YET?" Bingo. Bender threw his smelly afghan aside and rolled onto the floor. "I AIN'T GONNA HAVE SOCIAL SERVICES STICKING THEIR NOSE IN HERE AGAIN, SO GET YOUR ASS TO SCHOOL BEFORE I KNOCK IT RIGH OFF YOUR LEGS!"
"Good morning sunshine," Bender muttered to himself. He stood up and brushed a spider off his arm. Living in the basement, he'd gotten used to spiders. He just wished they wouldn't all die. He'd tried to capture a few and stick them in a bowl for later 'use,' but, of course, they'd all be spider corpses by the next night, as was the luck of John Bender. He needed an animal that wouldn't die if you stuck it in a cage.
After tossing on a grungy The Doors t-shirt and pulling on a ripped pair of jeans, Bender looked at himself in the mirror. He looked a little different than he had 6 months ago. That was, of course, due to The Breakfast Club forming. Now he had a little more light in him, although he still was himself in all other ways. He was one day away from being 18. He knew that Sporto, Dorko, Queenie and Nutso would go all out tomorrow, which was a Friday, for his birthday. Truth be told, his birthday wish was that they WOULDN'T make a fuss. Birthdays didn't mean anything good…so what the hell was the celebration about? All birthdays meant were that you were one year closer to the day you died. THAT was certainly a cause for celebration!
Bender hopped upstairs, grabbed a banana from the kitchen table, and sped out the door before his father could stop him. His mother, Roxanne, had just pulled up in the beat-up station wagon she owned. Bender rolled his eyes as she popped out, half dazed and wearing a tight Hooters uniform. That new skanky bar down the road was where she worked. It had a big owl on its sign…but Bender knew that it wasn't exactly called "Hooters" for the owl.
"John! Take out the garbage when you get home tonight or else Jack'll deck ya!" she ordered, yanking at her whorish top. Bender rolled his eyes. Roxanne was such a slut!
"Whatever, Ma," said Bender, bolting down the street just to avoid talking to her anymore. He lived over a mile from the school, but if he cut across the football field and went in the back, he could cut the time in half.
Whichever way he went, Bender was just glad to get out of the house.
The day went by quietly. Bender only saw "Dorko," whom was known to all others as Brian, in his shop class. Everyone else wasn't around.
Andy, Claire, and Allison had Independent Study together the same time Brian and Bender had shop, and they used the time to talk about tomorrow. Actually…Andy and Allison talked. Claire wore headphones and listened to her walkman, doing her nails. She was completely unaware that what Andy and Allison were talking about concerned her.
"So…at my house would be best, my parents won't care, and our family room has a dartboard and a pool table," Allison said. "I can also sneak some schnapps from my dad's closet while he's at work."
Andy nodded. "Yeah. I'll bring chips and cake. Brian's got his cousin's pizza place, where we can order the pepperoni pizza from…"
"A-HEM!" Allison winked.
"Cheese," Andy corrected. Allison nodded in approval. "And Brian's bringing his music tapes over…"
"Wait, what about—" Allison pointed to Claire.
"I'll call her tonight," Andy said. Allison nodded. "She can lead him to the party," he said. Allison agreed and smiled.
"18, wow!" she remarked. "He can move out of his miserable parents' house!"
"Doubt it. He'll mooch off them until he's 20, I'll bet," Andy said.
"Be nice to John! I know you're not his best friend, but it's his fucking birthday!" Allison begged. Andy nodded. "He was nice to you on YOUR birthday 2 weeks ago!"
Andy cringed. "Not exactly…"
"Oh come on, that trophy looks better painted green anyways!"
"It's not the trophy…it's the rash I got from the 18 birthday spanks he gave me! I can't believe I couldn't escape! He had me cornered!"
Allison giggled.
"So you'll make sure Claire knows?"
Andy nodded. "Yeah, no doubt."
That night, Bender sat in the den of his house watching MTV. The room smelled like wet dust and stale cigarette smoke, but it was an odor he was trying to drown out with a joint, smoking at the corner of his mouth. He was alternating sips of beer and eating a bucket of fried chicken he'd gotten himself for supper. Just as he went to turn the TV set off, Roxanne walked in the room.
"I hope you know we ain't doing nothing for your birthday tomorrow," she said.
"Doing anything? I'm shocked you remembered it was tomorrow!" Bender spat back. Roxanne squinted her eyes, and several ripples of wrinkles appeared on her forehead.
"Don't be a smart-ass. You're father wouldn't like it," Roxanne warned. "I got a double shift and Jack's going to Chicago tomorrow and won't be back. You're 16, birthdays are too young for you anyway," she said.
"Well, one out of three ain't bad," Bender muttered. The dipshits didn't even know how old he was.
"What was that?"
"Nothing." Bender sank back onto the couch and gnawed the skin off a chicken leg. Roxanne looked over and leaned in to look at the five pieces left in the bucket. "You gotta learn how to use a stove," she said. "Fried chicken every night is gonna give you a heart attack!"
"Well, we all can't live off our excess mammary tissue like you can," Bender muttered. Roxanne didn't seem to hear. She grabbed a chicken breast and took a bite out of it like an apple.
"If you wanna have a fucking birthday, go celebrate with your spiders in the basement. Now get downstairs, I'm having a friend over."
Bender nodded and got up. More like a boyfriend.
Once back in the basement, Bender fell onto his futon and stared at the ceiling. A small light brown spider was trapping a fly in it's web. He turned on his side and looked at the clock on the wall. It was coming on 8 PM. Four more hours and it'd be June 9th. Four more hours and he'd be 18 years old. Which meant he could vote, be drafted, and he no longer was required to be under the same roof as Jack and Roxanne.
The phone rang. It was Claire.
"John?"
"Oh, hey Cherry. Wanna come over and see my missile collection?" he joked half-heartedly.
"No. But anyways, where were you? I didn't see you after school. You were supposed to drop me off because Daddy's out of town."
"Damn." Bender slapped himself in the forehead. He was becoming his father. An asshole.
"It's okay, I took the bus," Claire said. "Can you give me a lift tomorrow though? My dad's flight hit bad weather and he's stuck in Toronto tonight."
"Aw geez, Claire! My birthday's tomorrow and I gotta play chauffeur?" Bender whined.
Claire nearly dropped the phone. What did he say tomorrow was?
"Cherry?"
"Um…birthday? Oh…um…yeah! I'll get Andy's dad to give me a ride!" Claire quickly hung up the phone. Bender groaned and dragged his feet into the small bathroom he had. He turned on the shower and stepped into the scalding hot shower fully clothed. He didn't care.
Meanwhile, Claire wanted to kill herself. She'd completely forgotten his birthday was tomorrow!
The phone rang again. Claire picked it up.
"Claire? It's Andy, I just wanted to make sure you knew about Bender's surprise party at Al's house after school tomorrow," Andy asked quickly.
Claire choked and hung up.
She was so dead.
The next day, being a Friday, school seemed to be more alive in general. Clair entered the school, hoping by some miracle everyone was wrong, and that today wasn't Bender's birthday. But denial would do nothing now.
Allison stood in a corner of the science hallway waiting for Claire. As she came down the hall, Allison licked her lips and yelped as Claire passed. Claire stopped dead in her tracks and jumped about five feet in the air.
"Gah! Don't DO that, Al!" Claire whined.
"Andy told me you forgot," Allison said.
"Oh god, what am I going to do? I can't just come to a birthday party without a gift!"
Allison smiled. "You really want to get him something? Then come on!" Allison suddenly grabbed Claire's wrist and dragged her back outside the school.
"What are you doing?!?" Claire shrieked.
"Taking you to buy a present!" Allison laughed and ran on like a madwoman, her grip so tight Claire couldn't wrench herself free.
"Oh no, Al! I've already gotten in trouble ONCE for doing this!"
"At least this time I'll have a reason to be in detention!" Allison said. They ran off campus to the near best bus stop. One came within a few minutes and picked them up. "This heads into Chicago," Allison said. "We can find a shopping center there."
"Allison, you're—"
"—crazy?" Allison smirked. Claire laughed for the first time that day. "I knew that!"
"At least I have my platinum card with me," Claire muttered. "Things in the city are usually more expensive."
"We're gonna have a surprise party at my house for John," explained Allison. "Andy's going to lead him there. You were supposed to, but Andy called me after he called you, and we rearranged a few things." Claire nodded and sat back, watching the Chicago horizon slowly pull up out the window of the bus.
Allison and Claire got off the bus a block down the road from a shopping mall. It was nearly noon, because the traffic had been rough. Claire couldn't believe that here she was, shopping for John Bender's birthday present in the same shopping center she'd skipped school to go to the first time, and ended up in detention for it. Talk about a coincidence.
The mall was cooler than the outside, which was nearly 80 degrees. Claire and Allison began looking through various clothing stores, novelty stores, music stores; Claire couldn't seem to pick something out. Claire looked at Allison after rejecting a gold-plated guitar pick for Bender's guitar.
"Don't you look at me! I already bought something for him. I'm not as forgetful as SOME people!" Allison taunted. Claire frowned playfully.
"Can we eat?" Claire asked.
"I don't know, can we?" asked Allison. Claire smiled. They bought their lunches from a Chinese food stand sat down in the food court to eat. Claire bought a bowl of shrimp fried rice, and Allison got two vegetable spring rolls and white rice. Claire used a fork to eat, but Allison, surprisingly, was quite handy with chopsticks.
"I order out a lot when my parents are late," was Allison excuse.
Later, Claire was almost out of time. "I'd better pick something out quick. The latest bus we can catch in time for John's party leaves in ½ an hour," Claire warned herself. They sat at the center court fountain eating frozen yogurts, wondering where they could still go.
Allison looked behind her. She saw a pet shop out of the corner of her eye. She smiled with a mischievous twinkle in her eye. She poked Claire shoulder and smirked. While Claire looked in her direction, she stole a fingerful of Claire's chocolate ice cream.
"I have the perfect gift for John…"
"Oh man, guys! I can't believe you suckers!" Bender wailed as he was led into Allison's living room.
"Happy birthday, John!" everyone said in unison. Bender wanted to shit twice then die. There were actually wrapped gifts for him on the coffee table. A cake was on the counter. It was more than he'd ever gotten before.
"Sorry, we had to do it!" Allison smiled widely. Bender had to smile for her sake.
Claire wiped a bead of sweat from her forehead. She and Allison had gotten back literally 5 minutes before Andy pulled up with Bender in tow. Brian, to whom Allison had given the house key, had been there setting up ever since school let out.
"Man, and I thought I was lucky to get a carton of damn cigarettes!" Bender remarked, sitting down and grabbing a handful of tortilla chips. Claire smiled and sat down beside him.
"Open your presents!" she asked. Everyone seemed to agree. Bender decided not to object. Brian handed Bender his gift first. Bender literally shredded the paper off the package. Inside was a set of three blank tapes and tape recorder.
"It's so if you write anything, you can…um…record your song on the tape," Brian explained.
"Aw, thanks, Dork!" Bender didn't smile, but it was easy to see he was happy. Andy tossed his gift, an envelope, at Bender, who caught it midair. Inside was a 50 dollar gift certificate to the Shermer Mall. Bender nodded. This could be cashed…and put to BETTER use. Bender saw the look in Andy's eyes…as if that's what Andy intended for him to do with it as well.
Allison gave Bender a very elaborate charcoal drawing of a "JB" with rock symbols and other various emblems she's seen Bender wear on his shirts at one point or another. "You can use it as album cover when you hit it big!" Allison squealed. Bender looked at her funny. "Oh yeah," she added, pulling something out of her pocket. It was a silver-plated guitar pick engraved:
Jane Bender.
Again, Bender gave Allison an odd look. "They got it wrong…I hope it's still okay, Jane!" Allison said, giggling. Bender smiled and nodded a 'thanks' to her. Claire sighed and went to get her gift, in a large box with holes. She looked like she didn't want to pick it up at first. Just as she got a steady grip on it, a loud knock on the door had Claire drop the box to the floor, as she was startled.
Bender got up and decided to answer it himself.
The rest of the group followed him to the door. He opened it. A look of pure terror overcame his previously delighted face.
"Happy birthday, Johnny boy!" said two high-pitched female voiced.
"Damnit," Bender muttered.
Allison stepped forward. "Who the hell are you?"
"Ethel—"
"—and Agnes"
"Edwards!"
Bender, white as paper, stepped aside and let them pass, shaking. They were identical twins, one dressed in a red dress and white sweater, the other in a white dress and red sweater.
"We're neighbors of Johnny boy!"
"It's John!" Bender sneered.
"We looked at our calendar, and I said to Agnes, 'oh gosh! Johnny boy is 18 today!" Ethel said as they were guided into the den.
"We haven't seen the lad for awhile, so we decided to stop by with a small gift for him!" Agnes said, holding out a small package. Bender was almost afraid to take it.
"Um, how did you know he was here?" asked Brian, just as afraid of the twin old women as Bender seemed to be.
"We followed him here!" Ethel answered.
"We found the house, then went to the mini-mart and decided to bring you a gift to help you with you studies!" Agnes said. Bender sat down on a chair and gingerly opened the gift…Ethel and Agnes were never really smart people. They'd been heavy drinkers in the 1920s and were never the same since. Being old just made their ditziness more vivid.
Everyone looked as Bender unwrapped the gift, and turned beat red.
"What. The. Hell.," Bender muttered. Andy was the first one to laugh. He laughed so hard, he has to lean on Brian for support, but he ended up just taking Brian down with him. Allison was the next one to bust a gut in loud belly laughs. Claire turned red first, then laughed right along with everyone else. Bender looked ready to smack them all. Ethel and Agnes looked clueless.
"It's not funny! They are pens for his schoolwork!" Ethel protested.
"Expensive pens too!" Agnes added. Everyone (but Bender, of course) kept laughing at the box of tampons in Bender's hand.
"Miss Ethel? Miss Agnes?" Allison choked out between laughs. "Those AREN'T pens!"
"Oh?" Ethel asked.
"Our sight isn't what it used to be!" Agnes said.
"Those are tampons!" Andy laughed.
"Tampons?"
Allison whispered their use into their ears. They screamed out loud at the same time.
"Oh of all the times to lose our heads!"
"Oh Johnny boy, however can we make it up to you?"
"Please tell us, what can we do to make it up to you?" Both women were staring Bender in the eye, making him more uncomfortable, until Ethel screamed and jumped back.
"AHHH! AGNES! A SNAKE!"
"A what?"
"A SNAKE!" Both women looked down at the brown python wrapping itself around Ethel's leg and uttered a blood-curdling scream that shook all the mirrors in the house.
"Run!"
"Ugh!" Agnes and Ethel bolted out the door, suddenly not caring so much about "Johnny-boy." As soon as they were gone, everyone laughed again as John looked at the snake lying on the ground at his ankle, staring up at him with beady little eyes.
"Who's the visitor?" he asked. Claire stepped forward.
"He's my present for you!" Claire said, getting over her laughing fit.
Bender finally smiled as he picked up the python and wrapped him around his arm. The snake took an immediate liking to Bender, and began running his tongue over Bender's bare arm.
"He's an ugly little guy," Bender said. "I'll keep him though. There's enough rats in my house to feed him for life!" he looked up at Claire and nodded in silent but sincere thanks. Claire nodded back.
"Are you gonna name him?" asked Allison, helping Andy to his feet.
"Yeah, his name is Mortimer!" Bender said matter-of-factly. Everyone gave him an odd look.
"Um, why?" asked Brian.
"Does it matter to you?" Bender snapped back.
After a minute of silence, Andy spoke. "Can we have cake or what?"
Everyone nodded and stood up willingly. Claire stayed back with Bender, who was already bonding with Mortimer.
"So, you like him?"
"Hell yeah!" Mortimer licked Bender's nose lightly with his tongue. Brian uncomfortable picked up the box of tampons as everyone stepped into the kitchen to cut the cake.
"What about the…um…pens?" he asked. Bender smirked and shook his head, which, in turn, was turning red again.
"We'll give them as an offering to Dick on Monday! We'll sprinkle his office with them to let him know we care!" Bender decided. Everyone laughed as Allison poured and dealt out cups of schnapps. Everyone lifted their cups in the air in a toast, then drank and laughed.
Bender laughed too. He really did have four friends standing before him right now.
And that was better than a thousand cartons of cigarettes.