"Fuck"
I stick my now bloody finger in my mouth. I can't afford to get blood on this dress. I throw the sewing needle onto the table beside me and take the dress over to the hanging rack to examine my work.
Clean lines and no hanging threads. I let out a sigh in relief. Walking over to the cabinet I fetch out a bottle of scotch and a glass. I sip my drink, take a deep breath and close my eyes. I soon envision the life I wish I could call my own. The fantasy of a world that only belongs in my head or in the books I read. These dreams are always quick to fill my mind when my eyes are closed which must be why I get very little sleep. There is no room for fantasies.
Not here, not in Birmingham.
I open my eyes to look around my mothers shop. It may seem like nothing special to an outsider, but to me this is where my fantasies began.
When I was little I would run in the back door to find my mother creating beautiful dresses and suites. I would watch in hopefulness that maybe one day I'd be able to wear such exquisite gowns.
"One day you'll come running into the house saying you've found yourself and man who you love with all ya heart. And on that day I'll start to make the dress that you'll be wed in."
My mum is such a firm believer in love.
"But mummy boys are mean. Clayton pulls on my hair and Henry makes fun of my clothes."
We may work for wealthy people but we were not wealthy by any means. The children at school seem to take notice of that.
"Well my Kenzie dear. When you're older you'll see to it that those boys are the butlers serving you and your husband breakfast together in your own house hmm."
A laugh fell from my lips as the memory faded and I was brought back to reality. I started walking through the shop examining all the furniture and machinery, gently running my hand atop it all.
The counter, where the sales are made. A desk and chair for consultations, the hanging racks for the finished garments and then there was the chair I now find myself sitting in.
It was my fathers chair. A large deep red cushion chair that I could sit in for hours and just pretend. This chair has been my own personal stallion which I've rode to win the derby. It's also been my pilot seat and my painting easel. The corner of m lips rise as I run my hand across all the cracks and rips it has suffered from its years of comfort.
I'm soon knocked from my thoughts as the bell above the door chimes.
In walked in a woman who could make men and women quake. My eyes landed on auburn curls. It could be said an imaginary crown is placed upon those curls.
"Hello, anyone 'ere ? McKenzie?"
I put down my glass down and smoothly walk around the clothes rack that was obstructing her view of me.
"Hello, Ms. Shelby."
Elizabeth Gray. The matriarch of the Shelby clan.
"McKenzie, 'ow many times do I have to tell you to call me Polly?"
I let out a small chuckle. "I guess once more ma'am."
"Ma'am, oh no silly girl please don't make me feel older than I already am." I just nodded my head with a small smile and directed her over to the rack.
"I have your dresses right ova' here. Just finished this one right 'fore you walked in."
She followed me over to the hanging rack before stopping to glance at the hanging material. She was quiet for a moment as she examined the stitches and beadwork.
"Your mothers beadwork has always been the best in town." Her eyes sweeping away from the dresses and meeting mine.
"Yeah, she's the best." I mumbled fidgeting with my hands while walking behind the counter to collect Polly's receipts.
"Alright so the normal cost for two dresses."
Polly nods then begins sifting through her purse. She seems to have her self together when it seems something suddenly catches her eye. "Now what is it we have here ?"
I follow her gaze till it lands on the red satin gown slightly hidden in the corner.
"Ohh that, umm that's nothing." I quickly stumble over my words as I try to avert her attention elsewhere. But before I can the satin material is sitting gently between her fingers.
"Now who may this dress be for hmm ?"
I know me lying would be pointless considering I'm terrible at it so the truth comes tumbling out.
"Well, I mean, I guess it's sort of mine now..."
"Sort of ?"
Before I can stop I begin pacing around the shop, while fidgeting with my hands, which seems to be my nervous habit.
"Well yes and no. You see it was commissioned for a women's daughter in town for when the daughter was suppose to meet her suitor but before that could happen apparently it came out that um, the girl was, well you see.."
"Pregnant ?" My pacing stopped and my gaze found hers. "Well, um yes.."
"Yes I 'eard about the incident with Miss. Tomlinson. Quite a shame actually." She seemed to tsk before looking back at me.
"Now what will you do with such a magnificent dress ?"
Her eyebrow is raised but it seems she already knows the answer. "Well I may have adjusted the measurements to fit my own.."
"May have ?"
"Alright yes I did. But I can not keep it. It would go to waste. And I can't afford to be using our materials on myself for my own selfish indulgences. So if you're truly interested in it, it's yours."
Something between a laugh and a scoff came from Polly's lips. "Silly girl you really think I'd fit into that ?" Thankfully before I could answer that she added on. "And anyway that dress is meant for young legs like yours."
Unbeknownst to me a small blush crept up my neck. "Well I guess it'll look great on another pair of young legs." And with that I led her back to the counter but not before taking another glance at the ruby gem hidden back in the corner.
"Pol, you know that's to much."
I look at her with confusion. The normal going rate for anyone relating to the Blinders is a five note for any work done. On the counter in front of me was placed two ten notes. "How's ya mum doing sweetheart?" She grabs my hand that's sitting on the counter.
I stay quiet for a moment. I look at her, her eyes holding nothing but pity. I hate that look. The look that's says there's nothing you can do about it.
"She's fine." I take my hand from her grasp and walk back around the counter to stand beside her. "It helps no one if ya lie to me ya know." I sigh as I lean my back against the counter. I can help but take in my surroundings yet again. I'm standing in my mothers pride and joy. She built this place from the ground up after my father's passing. She put all of herself into this place. Too bad it can't give anything back to her now.
"The doctors say possibly two or three weeks." I refuse to make eye contact. I refuse to see that look again. I feel a hand touch my arm. I look to her as a tear finally escapes. "She's a righteous woman. The good lord will take care of her." I take a deep breath before wiping my eyes. "I know he will." She hears my reply but says nothing.
I know Polly is a very religious woman. Even with her families history, I often pass her on the streets after she has spent her time repenting. I myself have not taken up such beliefs. If god was so righteous the woman who brought me into this world would not be bound to be leaving it so soon.
My hand soon feels the brush of paper and I'm once again shaken from my thoughts. "It's not up for argument. You will take this and put it in that draw. Understand ?" It wasn't a question. So I just gave her a small smile with a nod of my head. I take the money from her again but soon see another note was added. I open my mouth to protest but before I can her hand is raised.
"Now I want you to take that dress," she points to the corner, "and put it in your closet where it rightfully belongs." I have no words to express my feelings so I surprise us both by bringing her into a hug. We separate and I round the counter and place the notes into the draw.
"Do you want me to wrap the dresses up for you?"
"No don't worry I'll send one of the boys down later to fetch 'em." I nod my head and can't help but look at the women in front of me with astonishment. Once more she grabs my hands and brings them close.
"Kenzie, you listen to me. You are a strong girl 'right. I hope my daughter would've been as bright and hardworking as you are." My head snaps up to meet her misty eyes.
"I was unaware you had a daughter Pol."
She's been coming to me and my mother for as long as I can remember for her and her families clothes and she never once mentioned a daughter, I only knew of her niece, Ada.
"Well she's no longer around. But you, you are here. And your mother is incredibly proud of you, as am I."
I now with misty eyes of my own returned to my fathers chair and brought my hands to my face. Polly soon followed behind.
"What will I do when she's gone." The question came out so quietly I didn't know if it was said only in my the look on Polly's face confirms the words were now out in the open. She crouched in front of me and her hands gently pries my own from my face.
"You'll do what all us woman must do here in Small Heath when faced with something tragic."
I look up to meet her eyes. "And what is that exactly?"
"Survive."