Buffy wandered through the silient, empty graveyard. For once, she wished it wasn't so empty, if only there was something to occupy her mind. If there wasn't then all she could think about was him. Angel.
Tears came to her eyes as she remembered the nights they had spent there, kissing and talking amongst the gravestones. Everything had been so perfect. They couldn't have known what was going to happen. No-one could. Neither of them could have foreseen the heart-breaking future. They had given no thought to it. All that had mattered was that they were together.
Buffy climbed the stairs to the college dorm she shared with Willow and slipped into bed. she lay there, tears running down her cheeks as Willow slept. But Willow wasn't asleep. She lay there, listening to Buffy's stifled sobs. It had been two years since Angel left and Buffy still missed him and loved him so much, hoping that he would return to her. During the day and when she was in the company of her friends Buffy pretended that she was over him, she had moved on and was with Riley, but, every night, when she thought she was alone she cried herself to sleep, murmering his name. Willow wanted to say something, she wanted her best friend to confide in her like she used to, but she wasn't the old Buffy. She never laughed or smiled or joked in the sun with her friends anymore. That old flame inside her was slowly dying, as her heart was ripped apart with every day he spent away from her. Willow lay there and listened as her best friend cried herself to sleep.
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In LA it wasn't much better.
Cordelia ran into the office of Angel Investigations. She was late. Wesley looked up as she came in.
" Luckily for you, he isn't up yet, "
" Oh thank god ! " Cordelia replied. Angel hated it when she was late. " Hang on Wesley, whats the time?"
" It's about 11 o clock . As a matter of fact, I was just about to pop out for a spot of elevenses, would you like..... " Wesley was interupted by Cordelia,
" It is 11 o clock and he hasn't come up yet! He is usually up in the office at 7 sorting out the files. Something must be wrong! "
" Even vampires need their sleep sometimes Cordelia. You may have noticed that he hasn't been sleeping well recently, well come to think of it, he hasn't been sleeping at all."
" Thats no different than usual Wesley. It's his thing! During the day he broods about Buffy and fights evil, and during the night he catches up with some more brooding."
" It's not healthy. I think I may have words with him about it. It's getting serious........"
Just then, a lot of loud bangs were heard coming from downstairs as the elevator rose up.
" Shut up Wesley, he's coming, just act normal "
Angel banged the gate of the elevator shut in frustration and walked towards the office where Cordelia and Wesley were sitting. He was in a foul mood. His heart and his soul were slowly being ripped from him with every day he spent away from Buffy. She had made him feel complete. Together, they were unbeatable, without her, he was empty, he was nothing. Every day he had to stop himself, force himself, from going back to her. For her he would go to hell forever. His need for the Slayer, the Chosen One of all her generation had grown to the point where he wanted Buffy Anne Summers more than he wanted his soul. For one more night in her arms, he was willing to be damned forever. Just to know her touch, feel her sigh.........What was a millenium of torture compared to that single instant of paradise?
But he couldn't do that to her. As much as he wanted, no, needed to be with her, he couldn't do that to her. She made him so happy, and it was happiness that was his curse. If he even went near her, even one look at her was a risk for losing his soul. And he couldn't do that to her, not again. The painful memories flooded back as he remembered how he had tortured her and the things that he had said to her. It was better this way, painful and hard, but better. If only there was another way. Angel sighed as he smashed the lid of the coffee filter back down.
" Have a good sleep? ", Cordelia asked. Angel muttered a reply,
"No, why do you ask? " As Cordelia was about to reply, Wesley butted in,
" Angel, we are worried about you. After all this time, don't you think that you should be moving on, or at least trying to? Talk to us, we want to help you, but we can't if all you do is close off and brood about Buf..."
" Don't say it, don't say her name ", Angel growled, and Wesley retreated. Angel grabbed his coffee, stormed off to the inner office and slammed the door.
Back in the front office, Cordelia gave Wesley a murderous glare and marched up the the door that Angel had slammed seconds earlier. She knocked once softly and when there was no answer she knocked again, louder this time. Still no answer. Cordelia sighed , opened the door and walked in, shutting it carefully behind her.
" Angel?"
The room was in pitch blackness, there was silence, only the sound of Cordelia's breathing. If she hadn't known better, she would have thought that she was the only person in the room. She reached for the switch, and light flooded the place.
Angel was sitting in a big leather chair, his back to Cordelia, on the other side of the room.
Cordelia approached the chair cautously. " Angel? "
Still no answer.
Cordelia, suddenly losing her patience, jerked the chair round. " ANGEL! "
But when she saw his face, all the anger left her. There were tears in his eyes, and his hand was shaking as he tried to sip the coffee. Cordelia couldn't help herself- she lent down and gave him a big hug. He was shaking all over, she noticed.
" Angel....", she said softly," please, tell me whats wrong. I'm sorry that Wesley had a go at you before about everything , but he's really worried about you, we both are. If you would just talk to us more, maybe we could understand.........why you act the way you do sometimes."
She pulled away from the hug and smiled at him reassuringly. He wiped a tear from his eye and put the cup of coffee down.
" I'm sorry I snapped back there, I just couldn't take it I guess."
" Whats wrong? " Cordelia was scared, she had never seen him quite like this before.
" I had a dream, no different than the other dreams I have really, you know, Buffy and I getting back together, that sort of thing." Angel smiled that little half-smile.
" Well, what was different about it, why are you so upset? "
" I became human, and got back together with Buffy, it was great, but......." he trailed off.
" What?" Cordelia heard herself say.
" It was so real, I felt my heart beat, I really did!! I felt everything and it was so vivid and I was so happy........but then I woke up, and for a minute I thought that it had actually happened, and I was so happy, I just lay there with my eyes closed for a while. Then I opened my eyes and I looked around, and I realised..........." Angel's voice started to break and he closed his eyes.
Cordelia leant in and hugged him tight. Behind them, Wesley opened the door and came in.
" I'm really sorry, for having a go at you like that Angel, I have no idea what you must be going through and I had no right to.........", Wesley looked up as he came in and saw the picture before him.
Cordelia looked up and smiled. Wesley came forward and knelt down next to the two of them and started patting Angel on the arm in reassurance.
Suddenly Cordelia pulled out of the embrace with a cry and fell back onto Wesley.
" Vision! "
Cordelia saw a demon and a fight and a sword and.............Buffy.
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Xander, Willow, Spike , Riley , Giles and Buffy wandered through the woods. They were looking for the latest demon. It had made it's presence known by killing a few people by electromagnetic waves. Buffy walked ahead of the others, deep in thought. Behind her, the others were deciding what to get Buffy for her birthday.
Although her birthday was only two days away, this was the first time it had been brought up. Buffy hated being reminded of her birthday. Apart from the pain of realising that she had spent another year without Angel by her side, it also brought up the painful memories of her previous birthdays. None of them particularly good, but it was her seventeenth birthday that was the worst.......or the best maybe. Se could never quite work it out. It was the night of her seventeenth birthday that she had last been truly happy. She had been with Angel that night, after they had escaped from the Judge. She remembered the touch of his hand on her body, so cold, making her feel so warm. Everytime she touched him it was like getting an electric shock, and the feel of him inside her, and been , well, indescribable. But then, the other memories began to seep in, of his words to her after he lost his soul, of the anger and hate in his eyes as he looked at her. Her angel was gone, and in his place, in his body, was a monster.
Her friends always avoided the subject of her birthday, but it had been Riley that had brought it up. He didn't know anything about what had happened, he had never heard of Angel. He didn't know why at the mention of it, tears had come to Buffy's eyes and she had walked off, nor why the bodies of her 3 friends had stiffened at the mention of it.
Suddenly from the bushes, the demon leapt out onto Buffy, who was about 50 metres in front of her friends. She swung round and kicked it in the face. The demon, angry, lunged at her, pushing her onto the floor. The sword flew out of her hand. She looked round desperatly for her friends but they were still around the corner, deep in conversation.The demon looked over her and leant forward. The electricity in him started to build up and Buffy could feel the tingling of sparks on her neck. " This is it " she thought to herself, " this is how I'm going to die ". She closed her eyes and waited for the shock to come. But nothing happened. As impatient as ever she opened her eyes. The demon had gone, she turned around, still on the ground and saw it. It was fighting somebody else. She looked around to see her friends slowly coming around the corner. " If not them then, who? " she thought to herself. Suddenly she felt her body heat double and the hair on the back of her neck begin to rise and then, the tingling in her stomach that she knew she only got when one person was around. Angel.
Buffy swung around and picked up her sword. There he was. Angel. The demon was on the floor a few metres away from where he stood. Angel looked up, straight at Buffy. They stared at each other. becoming lost in each others eyes. One set deep, dark brown, the the other bright, hazel. They stood there, staring at each other, at a loss for words. During this pause, the demon had stood up and got prepared to fight again. Buffy cried out " Angel! ", but it was too late. The demon was on Angel's back and Buffy could see the sparks flying off, the pain in Angel's eyes. Buffy picked up her sword and ran at them, she got the demon through the heart, at which point, it promptly fell off. Buffy and Angel fell to the ground on top of each other, breathless.
As Angel lay there with Buffy on top of him, he could feel her warmth seeping through. His whole body started to burn with passion. He could smell her hair - like honeysuckle and he breathed her scent in deeply. He was home.
Buffy relaxed against the muscles in his chest. He was so cold. She wanted to grab him and keep him close to her forever. She couldn't let him go again. Tears ran down her face and she started sobbing into him.
Angel sat up and hesitently wrapped his arms around her to comfort her. She held on to him tightly and buried her face in his chest. Angel stroked Buffy's long golden hair and rocked her gently on his lap.
" Buffy? ". Angel heard her friends worried calls. Buffy heard them too and sat up. She wiped the tears from her eyes, took Angel's hand and pulled them out of the little glade and back onto the path.
Xander turned around and sighed in relief. " She's here guys, I found her!" , he callled out to the others. They turned around and smiled at Buffy. " Thank God you are OK! " Riley said and came forward to hug her. Just then, Angel appeared out of the glade. Riley stopped abrubtly.
" Well well, what do we have here? If it isn't my sodding sire, how's that soul doing for ya mate? " chuckled Spike who reached forward and patted Angel on the shoulder.
" Deadboy! What are you doing here? ", Xander asked.
The tension in the circle grew. Riley obviously had no clue about what was going on. Nobody spoke for a while. Giles broke the silence.
" Angel......how very....nice to see you. What......incidentaly...ARE you doing here? "
" Cordelia had a vision about Buffy and this demon so I came to help." He was still holding Buffy's hand and at this point he let go.
Riley began to speak, " Look, I don't know who you are, and obviously you have some issues to discuss, but, could someone please fill me in here? "
" Angel is Buffy's ex, and, if you are wondering why I called him ' Deadboy ' before it is because he is a VAMPIRE."
" You dated a vampire? ", Riley stuttered. " But why? How? " Buffy took Riley by the arm and lead him away to explain.
Angel was left standing there. There was an awkward silence. " Look. I know you guys don't really like me that much, and I can live with that and I know I should never have come back now, but Cordelia had the vision and I just had to come and see if everything was OK. ", Angel tried to explain his behavior. Willow came up to Angel and hugged him, " It's nice to see you Angel and I know that Buffy will feel better now that she knows you still care about her ...."
" I never stopped caring about her. What made her think.........."
" But Angel, " Willow interupted, continuing, " If you are going to leave again, don't hang around. The longer she sees you here, the harder it will be for her when you go again."
" I know, I will go, but I have to say goodbye first. "
Xander spoke now, " Look Angel, " Angel looked up in surprise at hearing his own name, " I know that I have never really been that nice or friendly towards you, but I know how you feel about Buffy and when you left, you did the right thing and put her first, and I respect you for that. I'm sorry. I guess I underestimated you. " Xander offered Angel his hand and Angel took it. They shook hands.
" Would you like to come back with us and get something to eat?", Giles offered, " Or drink, in your case"
" Thanks for the offer, but I'd better be heading back to LA , else the sun will rise and I'll burst into flames before I get home. " Angel smiled. " I'll just say goodbye to Buffy first"
Buffy came back, Riley following, a sullen expression on his face.
" Look guys, do you mind going ahead, I have to talk to Angel for a second, " , The others started to walk away, but Riley stayed where he was. " Riley, you too please, " , Buffy asked, " I have some things to discuss with Angel in private.".
Riley didn't move, " I'm not leaving you alone with a vampire Buffy. ", Riley said, " I'm staying RIGHT HERE"
Buffy took Angel's hand and they walked off, leaving Riley standing alone, arms crossed, furious with rage.
They walked along in silence. After a while Angel decided that he must speak,
" Look Buffy, I'm sorry I came and messed everything up like this but......."
" Messed everything up? Angel, you haven't done anything wrong."
" Yes, I have. I shouldn't have come back into your life like this. It's not fair on you, because I'm only going to leave again. " Angel swallowed back the tears.
" Leave? You're going to leave me again? " Buffy whispered through tears.
" I have to. Nothing has changed since I left. All the reasons are still there. "
" Angel, I tried to do what you said, to have a normal life, with a normal guy. Hell, I tried."
" Buffy..."
"Just listen ... Riley came along, and he was nice ... but that was all. Just nice. I didn't really feel anything for him, but seeing you at Thanksgiving, even if it was just for five minutes ..."
Both Buffy and Angel swallowed convulsively, but for different reasons,
" ... it just hurt so much, reminding me of what I couldn't have! So then I threw myself into the life that you wanted for me, that normal life. Ok, Riley wasn't exactly your average Joe, but he was as close as I could get with the slayage and all, so I went out with him. And I liked him. And I loved him ..."
Angel's face creased with pain
".. but never the way I loved, the way I still and always will love, you. Riley is good and sweet, and he made me feel loved when I really needed it. He was comfortable and safe and could give me that normal life that you insisted I have ..."
Angel interrupted,
"Buffy you deserve to have a normal life without any pain ..."
"Angel, I tried normal on for size, and it didn't fit. And anyway, - I deserve 'normal'? Why should I settle for normal? Why should I put up with normal, and average, and routine, and standard when I could have extraordinary, unique and amazing? And that's what you are Angel, all those wonderful things, and you make me feel special. I want the fire and the passion that you make me feel, just by being near. I want you Angel!"
To emphasize her speech Buffy clung to Angel, kissing him desperately as she tried to show him in deed as well as in word. As their lips and tongues feverishly embraced, their arms did the same. Buffy had one hand entwined in Angel's hair, holding his head close to hers as the other danced over his well-muscled back. Angel's arms clasped them firmly together, his hands setting afire the skin of her back.
As they continued to press against one another, desperate for as much contact as possible, Buffy became aware of Angel's body stirring at their closeness.
" Buffy....." Angel moaned , " Stop, we can't do this." Tears ran down his face. " We can't do this Buffy." " Why not? " Buffy replied, tears streaming down her face. " It's what we want, it's what we both want, I know it is." " It's something we can't have Buffy, however much we want it. That happiness of being together isn't ours to take. Everytime I'm near you, I'm close to you, my soul is in danger Buffy. You make me happy, too happy. Happiness is my curse, and I feel my soul stirring everytime I look at you. I never told you this Buffy, but it wasn't the ....the......sex, that made me lose my soul. It was afterwards. My moment of true happiness was watching you sleep! Now, do you see why we can't be together?" " What are you going to do? " The tears were running freely down Buffy's face now and Angel kept brushing them away with the palm of his hand. " I'm leaving . I'm going back to LA. " Buffy rested her head against his chest, gasping for air. "When ? " " Tonight." " No, no Angel, you can't. It's too soon, it's too soon. There's not enough time. " As she said those last words, Angel's mind went back to the last time he had heard them and he gasped. " Please Angel, just one more day, please, thats all I ask. Please? " As Angel looked down into those beautiful hazel eyes, looking pleadingly up at him, he felt he couldn't refuse, he owed it to her. " Alright, just one more day Buffy, just one more day. "
Tears again welled in Buffy's eyes as her heart swelled almost painfully in her chest. Overcome, she buried her head against Angel's shoulder and sobbed, crying even harder as Angel maneuvered her into his lap, hugging her close. They sat that way for a long time, holding each other as years of pain and anguish were cathartically released, and soothed by the embrace of the other. Buffy's heaving shoulders quieted, and her fingers played with the buttons of Angel's shirt as she collected herself. Lifting her head once more she found Angel's eyes trained on hers, the intensity of his gaze making her tingle.
Already close together, Buffy eased even closer, bringing her lips up to press against Angel's in an achingly slow, incredibly soft kiss. Her hands roamed over his chest, delighting in the coolness beneath her palms. One of Angel's hands was involved in similar motions on her own back, while the other entangled itself in her golden hair. The kiss deepened, and they both became lost in the feel of each other, occupying themselves in a passionate embrace, during which they failed to notice the 3 pairs of eyes glued on them.
When they finally released each other from the embrace, Buffy glanced around to see Willow and Xander staring at her speechless. She let go of Angel and turned round fully. " Guys.............." Willow interupted, " Buffy, it's not us you should be talking to. We're not going to judge you. We've seen how much you love each other and we know what you are like when you are away from him. " Who should I be talking to? " Xander nodded his head to the left and Buffy looked at where he had directed. Riley was standing there, completly still, in shock. Buffy walked up to him slowly and said softly, "Riley, you're such a good man, you deserve real happiness - but I can't give that to you. I'm sorry. My hearts not in it. I tried to love you, to get over Angel, but no-one can fill the gap that he left in my heart, but him. And I know that I don't actually have him now and that he is going to leave me again, but I don't think that it is fair on you because I love him so much and there is no room in my heart to love anyone else. I'm sorry. "
For a second Buffy thought that Riley was going to collapse, but then he grabbed a stake out of the bag of equipment that he was carrying and ran at Angel. Angel dodged out of the way and Riley nearly fell flat on his face, but then he turned and lunged at Angel again. Buffy ran at Riley and held him off Angel screaming at the top of her voice. He stood up, and took one last look at her, before running off into the darkness. Buffy looked around. Willow and Xander had disappered. Angel was crouching in the centre of the clearing. Riley had staked him, but fortunatly, had missed his heart. Buffy walked forward and held Angel in her arms. They sat there like that in the clearing as the rain started to fall.
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Angel sighed, shifting slightly against his soft cotton sheets as his mind climbed towards consciousness through the foggy remnants of a dreamless sleep. Eyes closed, he was loath to move and leave the unusually warm and peaceful cocoon he was floating in, as the sounds of traffic and other human activity filtered into the bedroom. Becoming more aware the warm breath on his face told him to wait.
Heavy eyelids still closed, resisting his weak attempts to open them, Angel catalogued some startling facts that until this moment he hadn't been fully conscious of. One of his legs was thrown over a firm, silky thigh, one of his arms held a warm body close, very close to his chest, and puffs of sweet air on his face told him that a pair of lips were close to his own.
Sliding his arm gently up the other person's back, caressing it through the thin fabric that covered it, Angel's lips curved into a smile as he inched forward and pressed them against a soft, receptive mouth. 'What a wonderful dream.'
'What a wonderful dream.' Buffy thought, as her mind registered a gentle, familiar kiss to her mouth. She hadn't had this dream in a while, and despite what she told herself in broad daylight, she had missed it. She had missed imagining this tender embrace, these hands roaming over her body setting it alight at their touch, missed this incredible feeling of happiness and peace. But most of all she missed him.
As his kisses stilled momentarily, allowing her to draw in necessary air, his name emerged at the front of her mind.
"Angel," she breathed, as her eyelids fluttered open.
Pulling ever so slightly away from her delicious mouth, Angel opened his eyes to see Buffy's head close to his on the pillow, her smooth skin flushed faintly pink.
"Angel," she breathed as her eyelids fluttered open, presenting him with the hazel gems beneath them. The way she said his name, the way she breathed it as if the word itself was as essential to her existence as oxygen - it caused a pang in his chest as he remembered happier days. Days of companionship and laughter and love. But those days were long gone, and all he had left to him were dreams like this.
Pressing his lips to hers again, more firmly this time, Angel was determined to enjoy this unusually vivid dream for as long as he could. Though he fantasised often of such situations, the dream world was only a dull, lightweight depiction of reality, so it was strange that Buffy's lips tasted so sweet to him. It was strange that this shifting of her body against his felt so real, strange that her gentle moan as his hand swept over her unusually warm body rang so true.
"Angel," Buffy moaned, in between his passionate kisses. One of her hands was trapped between their two bodies, while the other trailed over his bare chest and back, reacquainting itself with the smooth, cool contours of naked muscle and flesh.
She sighed again as he transferred his kisses to her neck, his hand tangling briefly in her curly hair before sliding down her back. 'I'm in heaven,' she thought as his hand drifted around to her front, slowly moving upwards to cup a warm, full breast through her flannel top. At that intimate touch Buffy gasped, breathless as her eyes shot open.
"Angel?" As her eyes ran over the room she was in, Buffy tried to draw his attention away from the hollow of her throat that he was so absorbed with. However his activities there meant that his name came out more as a throaty moan than as a demanding question. Steeling herself against the shivers of delight running through her body, Buffy tried his name once more.
"Angel!" Buffy's worried tone pulled Angel back to reality and he stilled, his mouth pausing just millimetres away from her delectable skin. Reluctantly he drew away, his hands leaving her warm body as he met her worried gaze.
" This isn't a dream. You're really here, next to me. " Buffy gasped. " For today. "
Angel gazed into Buffy's luminous eyes, their heads resting close together on the pillow as they lay quietly side-by-side. Every now and then he would lean forward, pressing a gentle kiss to her lips, or accepting one of her sweet touches in return. His hand resting on her exposed shoulder, Angel pulled back from a particularly tender kiss, and memorised the contours of her serene face. Her eyes remained closed, and a tear emerged from under her lashes, slowly trickling down her cheek. His brow furrowed, Angel softly brushed the tear away with the back of his hand, concerned at her troubled mood.
